My favorite

[Lena78]

My boyfriend died in a car wreck 10 days ago. Jake was working the graveyard shift at a local factory and was driving home from work Monday morning. He must of fallen asleep. Witness says our truck drift to the shoulder on Jake's side of the highway, then the truck jerked and swerved into on coming traffic. He over corrected and ended up head on with a semi truck. He died instantly. Jake was 23 years old and less than a mile from home. 

I can't sleep, I've tried. His obituary will be in the paper today and 3 more days until his funeral. The weight of it is starting to sink home.  I'll never see him again, never hug him, kiss him, or hear his voice. The plans we had will never happen. We will never grow old together, I'll grow old without him. 

Jake was 15 years my junior though if you hadn't know either of us before you couldn't tell. Jake was unexpectedly mature from a childhood of having a mentally ill parent that he was responsible for from the day he turned of age. He tried very hard to take care of his Mom. He loved her and always tried to make the best decisions for her health but she had to go to the nursing home and it broke his heart. 

When I met Jake I was two years out of my disaster of a marriage. I had dated a little but nothing serious and always with me ending the relationship. I was spending a lot of time at a friend,Terry's; Jake was his room mate and his brother Jeff was visiting from Colorado.  All three were interested unbeknownst to me. But while Terry and Jeff argued over whether you can call dibs on a person, Jake came and sat next to me. 

He showed me love and affection I have never known before. My ex husband had abused me badly, I won't share the details here. But the trama left me with some very deep emotional scars. Jake never flinched and would always hold me tight while calming talking to me. Repeatedly telling me he loved me, he would never hurt me, don't be afraid, over and over. He wasn't afraid to hold my broken pieces and he cherished every one. 

Jake was kind, and giving, and self less. He told me once that all he wanted in this life was for someone to love him the way he loved them. I tried to give him that. We were happy together and it worked for us. My children looked up to him and liked being around him. We would play dumb board games together and lots of cards. And frisbee golf! Oh he was always bugging to go to play Frisbee. He would go everyday if he had time. 

The day he died a friend of ours brought me a small ring box. She says she had been holding it for Jake and he was suppose to be the one to give it to me. It was a small diamond ring perfectly sized to my ring finger. I had no idea it was coming, he gave nothing away. Jake can't keep a secret, he didn't call his mom on mother's day because he had shipped her this mother's day necklace and he didn't want to give it away. Only time he never called on mother's day. But he had kept this one. 

We only had a year together almost to the day. I miss him so much. Night time is that hardest. When I try to lay down on the bed we shared I lose all control and break down. I cry until I can't breath and start to hyperventilate. Most nights I sleep only after I'm so exhausted I can't function anymore. 

Every night when as I would start to fall asleep he would whisper, " My favorite." I never said everything that was in my heart. I never told him how much I love him. I continually question if he knew. If he died happy? Or did he leave this life wondering? 

[Eagle-96]

5 hours ago, Lena78 said:

My boyfriend died in a car wreck 10 days ago. Jake was working the graveyard shift at a local factory and was driving home from work Monday morning. He must of fallen asleep. Witness says our truck drift to the shoulder on Jake's side of the highway, then the truck jerked and swerved into on coming traffic. He over corrected and ended up head on with a semi truck. He died instantly. Jake was 23 years old and less than a mile from home. 

I can't sleep, I've tried. His obituary will be in the paper today and 3 more days until his funeral. The weight of it is starting to sink home.  I'll never see him again, never hug him, kiss him, or hear his voice. The plans we had will never happen. We will never grow old together, I'll grow old without him. 

Jake was 15 years my junior though if you hadn't know either of us before you couldn't tell. Jake was unexpectedly mature from a childhood of having a mentally ill parent that he was responsible for from the day he turned of age. He tried very hard to take care of his Mom. He loved her and always tried to make the best decisions for her health but she had to go to the nursing home and it broke his heart. 

When I met Jake I was two years out of my disaster of a marriage. I had dated a little but nothing serious and always with me ending the relationship. I was spending a lot of time at a friend,Terry's; Jake was his room mate and his brother Jeff was visiting from Colorado.  All three were interested unbeknownst to me. But while Terry and Jeff argued over whether you can call dibs on a person, Jake came and sat next to me. 

He showed me love and affection I have never known before. My ex husband had abused me badly, I won't share the details here. But the trama left me with some very deep emotional scars. Jake never flinched and would always hold me tight while calming talking to me. Repeatedly telling me he loved me, he would never hurt me, don't be afraid, over and over. He wasn't afraid to hold my broken pieces and he cherished every one. 

Jake was kind, and giving, and self less. He told me once that all he wanted in this life was for someone to love him the way he loved them. I tried to give him that. We were happy together and it worked for us. My children looked up to him and liked being around him. We would play dumb board games together and lots of cards. And frisbee golf! Oh he was always bugging to go to play Frisbee. He would go everyday if he had time. 

The day he died a friend of ours brought me a small ring box. She says she had been holding it for Jake and he was suppose to be the one to give it to me. It was a small diamond ring perfectly sized to my ring finger. I had no idea it was coming, he gave nothing away. Jake can't keep a secret, he didn't call his mom on mother's day because he had shipped her this mother's day necklace and he didn't want to give it away. Only time he never called on mother's day. But he had kept this one. 

We only had a year together almost to the day. I miss him so much. Night time is that hardest. When I try to lay down on the bed we shared I lose all control and break down. I cry until I can't breath and start to hyperventilate. Most nights I sleep only after I'm so exhausted I can't function anymore. 

Every night when as I would start to fall asleep he would whisper, " My favorite." I never said everything that was in my heart. I never told him how much I love him. I continually question if he knew. If he died happy? Or did he leave this life wondering? 

Lena,

Sudden death is so hard. I lost my 46 year old wife to a heart attack on 04/01/17. It's difficult when it ends in an instant and there is no time to prepare. These next few weeks will be tough with all of the events(obituary, funeral, death certificates, etc...) Each time these things happened to me it was like the knife twisted more. I had a rough time sleeping in our bed and wasn't able to do it until a month had passed. I still sleep with the TV on all night. This new life is hard so go easy on yourself. You're allowed to cry. You're allowed to be angry, sad, depressed, lost, scared. You will experience so many feelings and they are all normal and natural when you grieve. Just know that we understand some of what you are feeling as we have experienced something similar to what is so new to you. I hope you find peace and comfort as you walk this road.

[KayC]

Lena,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  My husband was sudden death too, it's very hard to process.  I hope you'll see your doctor and get a sleep aid if the lack of sleep continues.  I regret that I didn't accept such help from my doctor, it would have made it easier on myself.

Of course he knew how much you love him, otherwise you think he'd have bought you a diamond ring?  That says it all...he planned on being with YOU.

I'm glad you've found this place, it's good to have a place to come to where others get it.  I'm just so sorry for the reason that brings you here.  (((hugs)))

[Francine]

On 6/21/2017 at 3:45 AM, Lena78 said:

 

I can't sleep, I've tried. His obituary will be in the paper today and 3 more days until his funeral. The weight of it is starting to sink home.  I'll never see him again, never hug him, kiss him, or hear his voice. The plans we had will never happen. We will never grow old together, I'll grow old without him. 

He showed me love and affection I have never known before. My ex husband had abused me badly, I won't share the details here. But the trama left me with some very deep emotional scars. Jake never flinched and would always hold me tight while calming talking to me. Repeatedly telling me he loved me, he would never hurt me, don't be afraid, over and over. He wasn't afraid to hold my broken pieces and he cherished every one. Jake was kind, and giving, and self less. He told me once that all he wanted in this life was for someone to love him the way he loved them. I tried to give him that. We were happy together and it worked for us.

We only had a year together almost to the day. I miss him so much. Night time is that hardest. When I try to lay down on the bed we shared I lose all control and break down. I cry until I can't breath and start to hyperventilate. Most nights I sleep only after I'm so exhausted I can't function anymore. 

Every night when as I would start to fall asleep he would whisper, " My favorite." I never said everything that was in my heart. I never told him how much I love him. I continually question if he knew. If he died happy? Or did he leave this life wondering? 

I'm so sorry for your loss and know the pain and suffering only too well.  It's always difficult to lose someone so near and dear, but someone so young, who had his whole life in front of him, must be hell.  It is so apparent that he was so special in your life and the loved you both shared for one another; even through the time was short, you loved a lifetime.  Jake sounds like one a million, *thee* one, mature beyond his years, family oriented and put into your life for a reason.  Men like Jason are like diamonds in the rough.  It's rare to encounter such diamonds and when we do, we know we are in the presence of goodness.  I'm happy you were able to find your *diamond*;  I had one in my Charles, and for me, it is enough to last my lifetime.    It's so not fair when the *good* ones are taken and the *not so good ones* are left.  I've asked the *why* question over and over again; but you know what, I've learned to accept that we're not suppose to know why; trust that God has a reason for allowing things to happen.  We may never understand HIS wisdom, but we simply have to trust HIS will. 

There is a reason you and Jake found each other.  It wasn't a coincidence, by accident, a fluke, or luck -  it's what we call God's Will.  And as quickly as God put him in your life, HE quickly took him away.  I am a stronger believe in prayer and God and as hard as it is to accept, Jason completed this earthly task and went home to Heaven.     I truly believe one of those task was to find and love you - for that very short period of time - and he did.  Because of Jason, your life changed for the better; because of Jason, you found joy again; because of Jason, you were happy again; because of Jason, you loved again.  Personally, I think he did a hell of a job; don't you?

You will miss him terribly, I know I miss my Charles with my entire being.  Nights are the worst for me as well - its like time freezes.  You know, when the world suddenly goes deathly still, and you could hear a pin drop and the sound your heart makes is so loud in your ears, you feel like you're drowning in blood and you lay there in a suspended moment and die a thousand deaths.   But not really because the moment passes and dumps you out of it on the other side with your mouth hanging open and your mind a blank - the absolute worst feeling.  And one of the hardest part of healing is to recover the *you* that went away with him.  No matter what we face in life, God will be there with us.  Only God can turn our worst tragedies into victories.

 

I hope you continue to post here - we're like family.  You know the kind that laughs and learns; pray and preserve; assist and appreciate; cry and comfort; inspire and influence; motivate and mentor; debate and discuss; reassure and encourage. Know that you are in my prayers and that God give you the love, strength and peace to get through this horrific ordeal.    Stay strong!

 

[Andy]

Lena 78,

I'm so very sorry, I know the pain and the sorrow, I know it well. These next few weeks will be tough, you'll wonder at times how is possible that a person can hurt so much yet still draw breath. Numbness, shock, anger, sorrow, confusion, these and so many more emotions will rage in your heart constantly. Take care of yourself, get plenty of quality sleep, eat for the energy, hydrate to keep everything working. You must care for yourself so you'll be able to function for your children. 

What you wrote about him, your life together, the love you have, it's a beautiful testament to him. It's a lovely view into a wonderful relationship, one marked by honesty, devotion and it's unconditional nature. Well said, it's easy to see how and why yours was a true love.  With all what you've said about him, how you loved and cared for him, how your children embraced him, then I'll venture to say that, no, he didn't wonder, he was a blessed man, he knew. You gave each other the gift of unconditional love, he passed, fully aware of how much he was loved and cared for. 

Its okay to be weak, you've just suffered a terrible loss, being strong might be too much to ask right now. Be weak, it's okay, our greatest strengths are often revealed in our weakest moments, in our darkest hour. 

Post here as often as you feel the need, or read the many wonderful posts by the many wonderful people. Here you'll never be a stranger, you've joined this miserable "club" of the broken hearted, those who mourn lives once lived. These are some of the most beautiful people you'll ever have the privilege of knowing, right here, ready to help in any way. 

May you find peace and comfort,

Andy

[KMB]

Lena78, The love and commitment you and Jake had for each other shines through in your post. I am so deeply sorry. Words might be meaningless at this time for you, but on this forum, we all do truly care for each other. We know the feelings of pain, loneliness, despair, helplessness and hopelessness. We will be here for you to validate your feelings and understand. Sometimes the other people in our life don't *get it*, unless they have experienced loss as we have.

I lost my husband suddenly a little over 10 months ago. I was in shock, had trouble with just the basics of functioning for a long time. It has only been the last 2 or 3 months in which I have been putting in a lot of effort into continuing a kind of existence for myself.

Jake knows how much you love him and that love bond will continue. You will be reunited with him again someday. Of course he was happy! There is no way anyone could deny that when he had gotten that diamond ring for you.Cherish that ring and all the memories. They will help sustain and support you on this unwelcome journey you find yourself on.

Sending prayers of peace and comfort to you. (HUGS)

[Lena78]

The funeral is tomorrow. Hours from now. It's more of a memorial, we had to cremate. The accident was to bad and he could not be made suitable for viewing. I'm beginning to feel sick. His brother is here to try to ease the pain. And as we sit and talk about everything that is and was Jake I realize how big he was in life. How much he filled up our house and how empty and quite it's been. I don't know if I'll ever get use to the silence. 

[Ka9219]

Lena78 Im really sorry about your lost, I lost my boyfriend one month ago, and I can tell you they were so alike, Mario hold me and told that I should not be afraid, put my broken into one piece and loved me like no one ever did, he died as well in a car accident, friend I totally understand you, you will cry and scream and wonder why, those days upcoming will be the hardest, cry as much as you need, but be sure about something: he knew you loved him with all you heart, because even if you didnt say it, you can feel the love, and as you felt the love he had for you, he felt loved by you

[HHFaith]

Lena, I am so sorry. I understand as I lost my Pat suddenly on New Years and we were also together for only a short time. But the amount of time we knew each other didn't matter. He was truly the love of my life. The worst thing anyone said to me after he died was "well at least you weren't married for 50 years!"  I guess that was supposed to make me feel better??!! Not!    I know some people that were married for 50 years and didn't share half the happiness Pat and I did.   The funeral will be hard: another goodbye, but we will all be thinking of you here. You will get through it. 

[KayC]

Lena,

I hope the funeral brings you some comfort, it's hard, I remember dreading it but it was a beautiful funeral and I think it helped me seeing how many people showed up, how much everyone cared for him.

[KMB]

Lena, I have been thinking of you today. I sincerely hope Jake's memorial was the greatest tribute of love and sharing possible. I hope it was able to bring you some degree of comfort and peace. (HUGS)

[Lena78]

I wish the funeral had been a tribute to him but unfortunately it was not. The minister did not speak of Jake except to read the obituary. He made the funeral a sermon, Jake doesn't believe in traditional Christian religion. Neither of us do. But I think the grandparents found it comforting. Our friends Terry, the one that introduced us, did have a four page speech ready. He wrote it the night before and it was a very accurate description of Jake. It was beautiful and had that Terry flair.  

Still tryin to tie up loose ends, locate his personal effects, pick up the flowers, cards, and etc from funeral home. But it's mostly over. Jake's brother Jeff goes home tonight. It's been nice having him around, they are enough alike it's similar to having Jake around. But I'm ready to have my house back. 

I tried to go to work yesterday and just kept crying in the store. Trying to take to wholesalers and make sense. I ended up going home half way thru the day and I'm at home today too. I've got to figure this out and soon. I can't take to much more off work. Only my income is going to really restrict our budget. But I can't seem to want to leave my room. Ive forced myself out but I just want to go back and lay down. I don't even watch TV or anything. I just lay here in the dark silence of what was once our space. Sometimes I cry mostly I just lay here.  

I don't know what to do about it. Ive never really planned anything in my life. Plans don't work out so I just have spent my life mostly winging it. But I don't think this can be done or treated that way. But I don't know I needed an emergency action plan for a situation like this. I never considered it, ever. So I have no idea what I'm doing. I just want to lay here. 

How do I force myself to get out of this room? 

[KMB]

Lena78, My heart breaks for you, for all of us. We were forced into this scary, lonely situation of grieving. Our beloveds were snatched from us, never to be seen again in this physical life.

I'm sorry that Jake's funeral wasn't all it should have been. Jake's grandparents found their comfort and Terry's speech was beautifully done in Jake's honor. It was still a basically good service and I feel Jake still felt the love from everyone that was there.

It is tough having to go back to work so soon. Maybe 1/2 days could be arranged? I understand about needing the income and the extra burden it places on you, on top of your emotions being all over the place. I know how hard it is and the wishing you could just hide in bed 24/7. Be patient and gentle with yourself. I hope those you work with are being supportive/understanding.

I wish I could say something to help you feel better, but unfortunately there isn't. This is our individual journey and we have to do it our way. I do share your pain and all those other emotions. There is no emergency action plan for loss. Even if there was, it would not go according to script. Everyone's relationship and loss is unique. This will be the time to *wing it* as you mentioned. A good part of this grief journey is winging it.

I have no good advice to really give you. It takes much time, patience, self care. Baby steps. Take baby steps out of your room. Go for a walk. Nature has a way towards helping to clear the mind, give the body a little exercise. If you are staying home from work, try to give yourself one small goal for the day. Doesn't matter what it is. For me, it was a shower, or taking out the garbage. A short walk. Anything, as long as you try to do something. Stay consistent and soon you will be trying for more small goals throughout the day. I'm still in that process of a few small goals during the day. I also spend time on this forum, which keeps me engaged in interacting.

(HUGS)

[KayC]

Lena,

I'm sorry the officiator didn't do a better job of memorializing him, they should go by the family's wishes, not their own.  I'm glad Terry said meaningful things about Jake.  I wish employers had paid bereavement, anyone who goes through this needs it.  

In my early days I wanted to talk to people about George, about what I was going through, but people disappeared.  If I'd have had a milkman, I would have talked his ear off.  All I can say is, we have to strike a balance between doing what feels comfortable to us, and pushing past our comfort zone just a bit...but in the very beginning everything is past our comfort zone, I think just continuing to breathe is pushing past our comfort zone!  As KMB said, exercise, even just a walk, helps us feel better.  I found a grief forum early on and it saved my life.

 

[Ka9219]

Lena is really heartbreaking to know how hard is the struggle you are going trough, as well Mario and I didn't believe in Catholicism but his parents does and they found out relieve in all the ceremony, most of the time his brothers got closer to me and whispered me: Mario didn't like this, go out with us and take some breath. With time we might found out things that doesn't feel right, but is ok because we are so vulnerable at this moment, just take deep breaths and think about how much you love him.

There is not a right way to grieving, everyone is different, you have to find out the way that is better for you, for some people is good to go out and have some distractions, for some of us is better just to stay at home alone, but make sure avoid auto destructive behaviors, as Mario always told to me: do not overthink, feel instead. If you feel is good for you going out (alone or with friends) go out, even is you feel this numbness in your heart, but if you feel that is better for you stay at home and lay, do it. Take one day at the time, embrace the days that you feel better, but accept the days that break you down.

No matter what you believe, what is true is that they are angels in our life. 

[Lena78]

Thank you all so much for the encouragement. For expressing that we all grieve differently. Most of my family and friends keep telling what I should or shouldn't be doing. All except my aunt, who understands. My cousin was 14 days younger than me, he was more like a brother than cousin. He passed away when we were 24, from diabetic complications, his name was Jake. My aunt had become very close to my Jake, I think as a kind of surrogate. Both Jake's about same height, blond hair, similar smile. She is mourning both now. 

Funeral home brought his personal effects yesterday. The clothes he had on at the accident were in a biohazard bag, sealed. I was advised not to open the bag because of the smell. I didn't know what to do. I can't understand why they brought them to me, I thought the clothes would have been destroyed. I just set the bag on the basement stairs and called my aunt. She told me just to leave it there and my uncle would pick it up and he would burn it; so I didn't have to. When I got home for lunch it was gone. 

Jake's brother left yesterday evening and we didn't part on good terms. I paid to have him departure date moved back by one day. But as I was driving him to station he asked me to drop him at Jake's ex, Jessica house, which would of been fine if he hasn't taken photo albums from downstairs without telling me; to give to her. He tried to hide them but I could see in the mirror what he was taking out of his bag in the trunk. He could of had whatever he wanted all he had to do was tell me. I didn't even care that he was giving them to her, just let me know what is walking out the door. When l mentioned it he started screaming and throwing things at the ground. I was all kinds of awful person. Eventually he told me, " you were only with Jake a year and it killed him." I left him there. Just drove away. He sent me I don't know how many horrible text messages and finally ended with, " you've made it really easy for me to decide to kill myself. This is all your fault. I hope your happy".  

I've been struggling with trying not to feel guilty. Thinking if I had only taken Jake to work. If only I had set my alarm and called him maybe things would of been different. Jeff saying the awful things I've been trying not to think.......... it broke me all over again.  I'm so upset by it.  I don't understand how people can be so hurtful after a loved one dies. Jake's mom has not spoken to me since two days before funeral. When I tried day of funeral she turned her back to me.  I know they are hurting too but I don't understand. 

On a good note, the owners of my store; Don and Jeremy. They called the store today to ask me if I'd be opposed to them having a frisbee golf tournament in Jake's honor. Don went to the funeral and said he wanted to honor Jake's life with something he loved, and they wanted my permission. It is the most awesome thing I've had anyone do. Don and Jake knew each other on a personal level. Jake had helped Don out on his land and Jake had helped with some other things. So they had spent time together on a personal level. Don and Jeremy already have two larger companies we deal sponsor the tournament. They are planning for the end of August, all the proceeds are going to two of Jake's favorite charities, in Jake's name. Jake would of loved it, he would be thrilled by it. I told them that the animal shelter, Jake loved animals; and the local food pantry. Jake and I both have had times in our life that the only reason we had food to eat was because of the food pantry. So paying it forward would have been something he would be proud of. 

My aunt is excited and is already planning out when we can go practice. She's been playing for years and her & Jake bonded over frisbee. I'm a newbie, I started going with him because it was his passion and he wanted to share it. This tournament would make him happy, I can see that smile. It was a beautiful one. 

[Francine]

On 6/27/2017 at 10:25 AM, Lena78 said:

I tried to go to work yesterday and just kept crying in the store.  Only my income is going to really restrict our budget. But I can't seem to want to leave my room. Ive forced myself out but I just want to go back and lay down. I don't even watch TV or anything. I just lay here in the dark silence of what was once our space. Sometimes I cry mostly I just lay here.  

I don't know what to do about it. Ive never really planned anything in my life. Plans don't work out so I just have spent my life mostly winging it. But I don't think this can be done or treated that way. But I don't know I needed an emergency action plan for a situation like this. I never considered it, ever. So I have no idea what I'm doing. I just want to lay here. 

How do I force myself to get out of this room? 

I know the feeling only too well.  I don't work (retired actually) so I don't have a place to go - like work - that can distract my mind that is constantly on my Charles.   Trying to stay busy is a challenge, and filling every waking hour is impossible, but I do the best I can.  Personally, I think work would be an outlet for me and like you, going from two incomes to one can be a stretch.  I was not the planner in my marriage, my Charles was and without him, I don't know how.  But you know what, I will learn and so will you.  I get you; sometimes all you want to do is lie in bed and hope to all asleep before you fall apart.

How do you get yourself out of the room - slowly and one step at a time.  Sometimes you just have to fall back from everybody and get yourself together.  It's not going to be easy; hell, life isn't.  You're still early in this grief journey and learning that its possible for a part of you to die while you're still living is quite normal.   No matter how you feel, get up, get dress, show up, and never ever give up.  Giving up is not an option for any of us on this grief journey.   

Stay strong and God bless you, God bless us all.

 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

There is not a right way to grieving, everyone is different, you have to find out the way that is better for you

I just read this article, which I'll post here.  You might do everything on the list, you might do none of them.  It's not meant to grade how you grieve, but as you check off the list, you can see just how hard you have worked at it and might get an idea to try that you haven't already.  Just information...

55 Strategies for Coping with Grief.docx

(article found here http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/8338-articles-worth-reading/&page=20#comment-132947 for credit to author...)

[Ka9219]

Lena, losing someone brings up the better and the worst from persons and situations, people will start acting weird, aggressive sometimes, other people will come closer to give you so much love and support. We must take what is good for us and leave behind harmful things.

I don't know what is wrong with brothers. In my case, Mario's ex girlfriend was -and still is- a mean human, she made him cry, cheat on him, scream because he loved play video games, forced him to pay hers bills, lied about being pregnant and told Mario she aborted a son of his, and I found out she was at the hospital when Mario was in his final days. You know what is worst? Mario's brothers are her friend, it is not for me, but for the memory of Mario -and respect- they should -at least- not talking to her, but I don't understand. I know that for my mental health I don't have to think about it, but still is something that brings me so much sadness because I knew Mario so well, I know he wouldn't like this situation.

Appreciate the tribute they want to make in your boyfriends honor, we will be filled with grate joy.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

We must take what is good for us and leave behind harmful things.

That is something I learned from George, very wise!