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cp9042

Father's Day

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Yesterday was Father's Day.  I expected it to be very emotional, and be very sad.  I was surprised that I made it through without too much pain.  I posted a tribute on Facebook to my beloved husband and talked to my sons, who are dads as well, but who also miss their father terribly.  I knew this would be a rough day for them too.

I made myself go out for a bit, run some errands.  I talked to my husband to let him know I miss him, and love him.

But I made it through the day.  It is encouraging.

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My day started quite well; went to church with my kids and grandchildren and fellowshiped afterwards.  Later that afternoon, the family went to the cemetery for a visit.  My Charles head stone was finally laid and it was good to see it.  I purchased a duel headstone so seeing my name next to his was bittersweet; bitter because I wanted so much to be with him and I'm not, and sweet in knowing when my time actually comes, I'll lay next to him forever.  We all honored him in our own special way and I was amazed at what my grandson said about his grandfather. I made it though that OK. 

We topped  it off with dining out; unfortunately, not at Charles' favorite restaurant (the wait time was 2 1/2 hours) but all together none the less - I made it though that OK.  Upon leaving the restaurant, we decided to go over my daughter's home for a short time - just to be together as a family - I made it through that OK.  

But on the way home, I wasn't OK.  A feeling of loneliness and sadness overwhelmed me and my tsunami started and I couldn't stop it.  That type of tsunami where you feel it in your throat and your eyes become so blurry from tears; the type where you just want to scream; the type where you hold your breath and hold your stomach to keep quiet; the type where you can't breathe anymore; the type that makes you realize the person that meant the most to you is gone. And I'm still feeling the residuals this morning.

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Francine:  It is good you had family around you most of the day.  I'm sorry that the day ended up with so much pain.  I know when you try to hold it in, sometimes, it just comes out all at once.  That happens to me as well.  But my kitty has been sick so I try to not cry around her, so she won't stress out.

My prayers and hugs are with you.

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Thank you.  My family truly helped me make it through the day - just looking at my two children I feel so grateful. They are a true testament to the love Charles and I shared; I think of them as our love in human form and can't help but think how bless we both were.  I'm sorry about your kitty and hope it makes a fully recovery.  God Bless!

 

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2 hours ago, Francine said:

But on the way home, I wasn't OK.  A feeling of loneliness and sadness overwhelmed me and my tsunami started and I couldn't stop it.  That type of tsunami where you feel it in your throat and your eyes become so blurry from tears; the type where you just want to scream; the type where you hold your breath and hold your stomach to keep quiet; the type where you can't breathe anymore; the type that makes you realize the person that meant the most to you is gone. And I'm still feeling the residuals this morning.

I'm glad you had your family around most of the day.  It's nice to be around people that miss our loved ones on hard days.

I totally understand what you mean by the tsunami.  That is how I felt on and off all day yesterday.  We didn't do anything special and just pretended it was a regular day but of course it wasn't and it just made us all so much more emotional.  I had asked the kids a few days ago if they wanted to do anything for it but they both didn't want to so I didn't.  I just want to make this easier for them and I never really know what the right thing to do is.

My son slept with me last night because he was having trouble sleeping.  I think it was just a really hard day all around and he couldn't sleep because of it.  I was expecting it to be tough as it was our first without Matthew and I'm sure all the other firsts are going to be hard as well.

 

cp9042 I'm glad the day was easier than you expected.  I hope one day we can have more better days than bad ones.

 

 

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2 hours ago, JenC said:

My son slept with me last night because he was having trouble sleeping.  I think it was just a really hard day all around and he couldn't sleep because of it.  I was expecting it to be tough as it was our first without Matthew and I'm sure all the other firsts are going to be hard as well.

It's hard on all children, especially the young ones. You have to be both parents to them, and as hard as it is, you will be.  You will be because you must be and we as women, are made strong to deal with life's day-to-day struggles and we know the struggles are children are in today are developing the strengths they will need for tomorrow.  We know they must endure some struggles in order for them to survive in life, but in order to stand up, they must know what falling down is like. The first year of doing things without Matthew will be the most difficult  for you and the children and don't be surprise if all of you break down and cry because you know things will never be the same.  That's OK because you have one another to hold on to and bring you through.  I know  Matthew is so proud of you raising the children and is with you in spirit.    God bless you and the kids and know you are in my prayers.

 

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Francine, cp9042, JenC, 

Bless you all, you made it through, you all did great. I'm sure your beloveds were watching over each of you as the sadness and loss became even more pronounced on that day. 

For me, I felt, well, nothing. I was able to spend little time with my daughter, she has to work, and I spent a little time with my dad, but not much. I wasn't up to being around anyone I suppose. Many of these "special" occasions have lost so much meaning now. This was the first Father's Day without the mother of my child. The first of all the rest I'll have to endure, and it's just something I wish I could skip. It's special for my daughter, and I'll respect that, but as of late, I don't feel like much of a dad. I'm still dealing with not being able to keep my daughters mom alive (I know, there's nothing I could've done, but the emotional residue still clings to me), so that guilty/self recrimination creeps in and...

I wish I could skip it all, thanksgiving, Christmas, and especially New Year's Eve, the day my wife passed away. What's to celebrate? I love my dad and I cherish the life I was given and the lessons passed on to me, and I love being my little girls dad, but it isn't the same anymore. Nothing is the same. 

Andy

 

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Andy,

I'm feel so sad for you and can truly relate to feeling nothing.   It's almost my norm.  That spark that use to live within my soul has gone - with Charles, I imagined.  The world I loved and wanted to live is gone and isn't coming back - it just doesn't exist; I feel this world isn't possible any longer; isn't real; isn't mine.  I lost my world when Charles left it.  

I'm glad you were able to spend sometime with your dad and he must have enjoyed that very much.  My dad passed on years ago and my Charles was always there to help me get though those *Father's Day*.  Now since he is gone, I'm completely lost without him. Like you say, "Nothing is the same"   Forgive me for the gloom/doom post, but that's where my mind is.

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I'm always right there with you, Francine. Nothing is the same and it never will be. We are required/expected, to get used to *different*, but I don't want to get used to that either.  There is no *spark* as you mention. I don't know or can't think of any words to describe what I feel. Just trying to pretend to get through the rest of whatever years I have left is what has been working so far, but my heart is not engaged in living the way it used to be.  (HUGS)

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Father's Day is and always will be the toughest day of the year, because that is when I lost George, 06/19/2005...I get hit both on Father's Day and on the 19th on the years it doesn't fall on the same day.  And I'm always alone on Father's Day so I really can't even distract myself.  Everyone is busy celebrating Father's Day.  I attended our graduation breakfast, Praise Team practice, Sunday school, Church, counted $ afterwards and did some posting (treasury), then ate dinner alone and went home.  I'd go nuts if not for my dog.  If George was here we would have been celebrating Father's Day and likely would have gone camping over the weekend, there's good spots close by that we could drive to church from.  You're right, KMB, nothing is the same and never will be.  Don't mean to sound depressed, it's just this time of year...

Plus I found out my DIL has plans through the end of July so I can't come see my grandkids. :(  Will I never get used to living this life alone, always alone?!

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Don't worry about sounding depressed, KayC. I get it. Even with my daughter here, I still miss my husband every second. My daughter sleeps half the day and is up later at night. She does provide a little company, but it is never going to be the same without my husband. My daughter starts a job at the end of this month. She'll be gone mid-afternoon until later at night. I could fill up this house with people and still feel alone and lonely for my husband. Nothing or no one will take his place.

I'm sorry you won't be able to see your grandkids for awhile. I'm sure that must add to the depressive feelings. Hopefully in August you will have the opportunity to spend time with them. (HUGS)

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8 hours ago, KMB said:

I could fill up this house with people and still feel alone and lonely for my husband. Nothing or no one will take his place.

Ditto that.  Sometimes I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore - if that makes any sense.  One of the loneliest moments I've experienced thus far is watching my life fall apart and all I can do is stare blankly.  

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I hear you, Francine. When I log onto this forum, it is with full consciousness ( I hope) and with the intent of comforting and encouraging others and finding comfort for myself. The rest of my day is done automatically, not much thinking involved in the processes of whatever I'm doing. My mind is always on my husband and the constant loneliness for him. There are so many nights I wish, when I do fall asleep, that I will wake up and find myself in Heaven with him.   (HUGS)

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Wow, we're a bunch, aren't we!  At least we have company.  This is always my hardest week of the year.  It's funny but no matter how long it's been, he is still in my thoughts every single day, I still love him and will always miss him.  There is no other him!

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On 6/20/2017 at 9:09 PM, KMB said:

My mind is always on my husband and the constant loneliness for him

 

20 hours ago, KayC said:

 It's funny but no matter how long it's been, he is still in my thoughts every single day, I still love him and will always miss him.  There is no other him!

OK ladies, we're not the three little bears; nor are we the three blind mice, or (rub a dub dub) three men in a tub, nor three wise men (now that's debatable; perhaps 3 wise women) so what do you think of us being *The Three Lonely Ladies* (TLL)? :D

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Ugh, that's depressing!  One thing is for sure, we can relate to each other!

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

 One thing is for sure, we can relate to each other!

Yep, we can relate. As you are going through life, you hear or read that anything is possible. There are limitations to those words when you think about them. Our situations are not reversible. I understand the cycle of life and death, but losing our spouses so soon while we still have years left, is unfathomable. I've read so much that our lives are predestined. Why would we make this agreement with God to lose our spouses when we did? To learn lessons of aloneness, heart ache of loss? God still has plans for me. But how could those plans be better than what I and my husband had? I guess only time will tell how the rest of my life plays out. Francine, I don't know what we are. We surely have to have a ton of inner strength to keep getting through each day. I know for a fact though, I wouldn't want for my Ed to be going through this misery. i often wonder what our loved ones are thinking and feeling knowing what we are going through here. Gotta wait to find out, and that waiting is so darn hard!

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8 hours ago, KMB said:

i often wonder what our loved ones are thinking and feeling knowing what we are going through here. Gotta wait to find out, and that waiting is so darn hard!

I often wonder that too. I know they don't want to "see" us in so much pain. But when I'm in a bad way, I feel that Pat is right here with me doing all he can to give me the strength I need to get through the tough times. That's when I sometimes see the little signs that he is "here" looking out for me.  I can picture him saying"it's gonna be ok" and reassuring me. That has to be true. Otherwise I don't know how I would get through this. I just wish that deep sense of missing him so much wasn't so overwhelming and sad. 

Francine, instead of TLL three lonely ladies I say TLL three lovely ladies!!

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On 6/22/2017 at 8:06 AM, KayC said:

Ugh, that's depressing!

I know - it is depressing, and perhaps I shouldn't have grouped you ladies in - but that's how I feel 99% of the time - depressed and so lonely. 

On 6/22/2017 at 11:38 AM, KMB said:

We surely have to have a ton of inner strength to keep getting through each day. I know for a fact though, I wouldn't want for my Ed to be going through this misery. i often wonder what our loved ones are thinking and feeling knowing what we are going through here. Gotta wait to find out, and that waiting is so darn hard!

Ditto that - that inner strength that only can come from God.  I think we've always had it - well, I have - but didn't have to use it because I had my strength always beside me in the form of  my Charles.  I've always thought what would Charles have done if the situation was reversed?  Before he left this world, we briefly talked about it and he responded that if anything happened to me, he wouldn't survive and would just die and that I was the reason he made it that far.   Of course, I was not happy with his answer but had to respect his response because it was how he felt.  We are on the same wave link - during my morning walks, I always talk with my Charles wondering where he is and what he was thinking and if he could see me and knew my state of mind since he left this world and his thoughts (Before he left this  world, I always wanted to know his thoughts)    If he were here, I know he would tell me to live the rest of my life to its fullest - and just possibly, subconsciously  he's telling me the same thing.  To the fullest, don't know what that means (especially without him) but I'll live - or should I say, I'll exist being depressed and lonely.  Unfortunately as I see it, that's my forecast for the rest of my life  - dark and overcast with no chance of sunshine in sight. :(

 

15 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Francine, instead of TLL three lonely ladies I say TLL three lovely ladies!!

Thanks!  That's sweet and has started my day.  :)

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Francine, Keeping tight the faith, blind trust, that we are going to somehow survive the rest of our lives is extremely hard. When my Ed was here, we planned for the next week, the next month, into the following year. I cannot do that now. It is just me. I don't care about much anymore. Is *not caring* and the word, *depressed*, the same thing? I don't know anything anymore. I thought I did, before my existence took a direct, traumatic hit and I lost the one person I would have done anything for .How can I go on, when my other half is separated from me? I feel like I lost an arm and a leg on the same side of my body and I am left to drag myself along the ground constantly searching for my husband to make me whole again. I have been getting better at faking it for others. From the outside, it looks like I am doing well. I am back to taking regular showers, not wearing the same clothes for a week at a time. I've gone in for hair trims and even got much needed new glasses to have the bifocals upgraded. I'm keeping the yard and grounds maintained and have been doing some housecleaning. On the inside of me, it is the complete opposite. I am shattered, lost and lonely. :(:( Hope you are doing better than I am---- (HUGS)

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5 hours ago, KMB said:

When my Ed was here, we planned for the next week, the next month, into the following year.

Me too, now one day at a time is enough.  I write things down on my calendar that the church has planned, or doctor's appts in the future, but I really don't give it much thought until it's here.  Today is enough to think about.

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12 minutes ago, KayC said:

 Today is enough to think about.

it certainly is and then some.

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On 6/22/2017 at 11:38 AM, KMB said:

l've read so much that our lives are predestined. Why would we make this agreement with God to lose our spouses when we did? To learn lessons of aloneness, heart ache of loss? God still has plans for me. But how could those plans be better than what I and my husband had? I guess only time will tell how the rest of my life plays out. Francine, I don't know what we are. We surely have to have a ton of inner strength to keep getting through each day. I know for a fact though, I wouldn't want for my Ed to be going through this misery. i often wonder what our loved ones are thinking and feeling knowing what we are going through here. Gotta wait to find out, and that waiting is so darn hard!

I too have heard this, that God has something better planned ahead for me (us), but I've thought there's nothing I want that is worth losing my Lily for. Nothing could be better than her and the life we had. Why did she have to go for something better to come. I don't understand or agree with that. I mentioned this to someone and they reminded me that God gave up His only Son for our salvation. His sacrifice for us made me feel so guilty and selfish. How could I feel this way? I have to believe that maybe what's ahead for me isn't necessarily better than Lily, but maybe it's something I need to go through alone. She accomplished everything she needed to, and now I need to as well before reuniting with her. At least that's what I hope for. It doesn't mean the loneliness and heartache has subsided, but I have to believe it will one day.

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48 minutes ago, Lulu said:

I have to believe that maybe what's ahead for me isn't necessarily better than Lily, but maybe it's something I need to go through alone. She accomplished everything she needed to, and now I need to as well before reuniting with her

You nailed it. Lily graduated to Heaven before you, just like our soulmates did. God still has things He needs for us to finish before we graduate into eternity. For myself, I hope I don't take too long in whatever God needs from me yet. This world does have some joys but when you listen to the news, it is getting to be a place that makes you wonder how much more devastating can the bad things get.

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I've heard that predestination has more to do with salvation, but there is a lot of controversy around this doctrine which much differing beliefs.  I guess we have to believe what makes the most sense to us, what resonates with us, but I don't believe everything in our lives was planned so that we are mere puppets acting out the play that has been scripted.  We have free will.  We have choice.  With choice comes consequences.  All is not equal distribution.  It rains on the just and the unjust.  Some are hit with calamity and some are left unscathed.  Life is not fair.  Sometimes it doesn't make sense.  It is what it is.  Some things I cannot change.  I don't believe George died because of God's will so much as his body just gave out, but maybe I'm wrong about this, maybe He planned this to happen, who can know?  I just know that God loves me and loves George and is doing what He deems best in our lives.  Can I understand it all?  No!  It's way beyond me to understand, let alone explain!  But I trust Him.  I know He is every step of the way with me, and He is taking care of George even now.  I've read Augustine, Calvin, Jean Pierre de Caussade.  I perceive their views, but sometimes this is just way hard to figure out.

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