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I haven't posted or come to the forum in a while because I just feel like everything I do whether it's counseling, posting, talking, taking medication is all just futile. My heart hurts the same regardless. I feel like no one I tell truly cares or understands. Even the grief counselor who had lost her husband I felt like couldn't understand how I feel. I know everyone handles things and feels differently. It's been almost 6 months and every day is such a struggle just to make it through, and every day is filled with so many tears and so much pain that never diminishes at all. I have so much pain and I feel like I'm utterly and completely alone. I see all his family post pictures about how much they loved him and share memories and I'm just here with no one to share those with and nothing to remember him by and it just really really hurts. I see a picture and I feel like I'm just going to suffocate and I just cry and beg God to please make it stop. May be lots of typos and errors in this as I text it out on my phone in a frenzy of tears. 

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KMB   

My heart breaks for you because you are still in so much obvious pain. I wish I could give you a real hug. I understand how alone you feel because you have no one to really talk to about your loss. Have you considered a psychiatrist to talk to? I feel you are trying to cope with complex grieving and maybe a different professional could be helpful.

I've always been concerned for you, so please, keep checking in here once in awhile to let us know how you are doing. Love and hugs!

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5 minutes ago, KMB said:

My heart breaks for you because you are still in so much obvious pain. I wish I could give you a real hug. I understand how alone you feel because you have no one to really talk to about your loss. Have you considered a psychiatrist to talk to? I feel you are trying to cope with complex grieving and maybe a different professional could be helpful.

I've always been concerned for you, so please, keep checking in here once in awhile to let us know how you are doing. Love and hugs!

Thank you. I wish so much that the pain could stop and I just don't feel like it ever will. The worst is feeling so distant from him now that he's not here. I think how some people still have their loved ones things and live in the house they lived in, and most of all shared memories amongst each other. And I just feel like I'm living in some kind of twilight zone like he wasn't even real. I feel like he's so far away. I'm just crying and rambling but sometimes it even physically makes me sick. I did see a psychiatrist as well but I ended up going back to just the general MD. She had changed my meds and it made me even worse so I went back to one I felt more comfortable talking to. I'm taking antidepressants and xanax to help manage the panic. Sometimes I remember that day, how I found out, and I imagine the accident and I try not to but my mind does it anyway and it just sends me into a horrible panic. It just isn't fair. It haunts me the most that I feared it so much which seemed irrationally as he was so young, and yet it actually happened. I dreamed the status I ended up reading in reality about his death. That all somehow makes it hurt me worse. 

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Eagle-96   

Sometimes I feel like the weight of the world will crush me. I'm only eleven weeks in and it's just minute to minute for me. It's hard when we feel like nobody knows our pain. And, to an extent, nobody does know our pain. Each one of us had a different experience with our spouse. We are all truly unique in our grief but we share in our general grief. I have heard it said that the loss of a spouse is the hardest of all losses and I really believe it. To rub salt in our wounds, the one person we would go to in times like these is not here to comfort us. The one person we want to make the pain go away is the very reason for the pain itself. It's the worst of all catch 22s. This strange new world is so full of twists and turns that it's hard to see a light at the end of a tunnel that isn't a train heading straight for us. I pray for comfort to find your way through this stretch. 

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Zara19   

Dear Numb and Lost

I've not been on the site for a while but many times I have thought about how you may be getting on.  I am so sorry you are still suffering badly.  I can understand what you say as I am thinking many of the same thoughts myself.  People tend to think all we need to do is "get some counselling", which is great if it works but for me, like yourself it hasn't.  I had bereavement Counselling and after two sessions they were stopped as I kept repeating myself and becoming tearful.  In the last month again I have had two general counselling sessions and they were stopped as the counsellor said she didn't think I was up to it.  She didn't think I'd be able to cope.  I went back to the Dr and asked if I could have  a psychiatric referral as I thought I was having a breakdown but I'm not allowed so I feel there is no where to turn now.  I understand what you mean about the "twilight zone".  I have used that expression myself.  It's like a terrible feeling of living in neither one life or the other and always feeling in limbo.  I tend not to dream about my Husband now and that makes things worse.  No one talks about him so that is so sad.  Like you, I don't have any of his possessions around me as they are at home and I have been staying with family and this makes things worse.  What really got to me though was when I started to look through photographs and how much in the distant past he seemed.  That really was a disabling thought.  The counselor said I'm trying to keep him alive - maybe I am.  From 6 months on I have started to add extreme panic to my sadness and this is very hard to live with isn't it.  If such feelings are hard enough when they can be expressed then they must be absolutely intolerable when you have to conceal them.  I don't know if your family circumstances are still the same as I have not been on the site for a while.  You must have a huge amount of resilience to keep a job and family together but it comes at a cost to the mind and body doesn't it and not being able to share uses up more of your mental and physical energy.  Have you been told you may have a form of PTSD?.  I wondered why I felt worse at 6 months but apparently it's common as reality rears its ugly head.  I wish I could say something to make things better but I can't find the words. I too am tired of searching all the time for help like posting, reading, counselling etc and I am just so beaten.   Searching for a solution where there is none is killing me, I don't know about you.  A couple of weeks ago I ended up having hospital treatment for an accidental staggered painkiller overdose.  If I hadn't been so taken with grieving I would have noticed but I remember thinking if the overdose was intentional then I would have died a slow, painful death, not the quick solution to my emotional pain as I would have envisaged during any previous thoughts of suicide.  I hope we find a way to go forward, I don't know what that will be only that we reach a point where we can achieve some peace, if only for a short while.  Take good care Numb and Lost.

 

 

 

 

 

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Francine   
13 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

 My heart hurts the same regardless. I feel like no one I tell truly cares or understands   It's been almost 6 months and every day is such a struggle just to make it through, and every day is filled with so many tears and so much pain that never diminishes at all. I have so much pain and I feel like I'm utterly and completely alone. I see all his family post pictures about how much they loved him and share memories and I'm just here with no one to share those with and nothing to remember him by and it just really really hurts. I see a picture and I feel like I'm just going to suffocate and I just cry and beg God to please make it stop. May be lots of typos and errors in this as I text it out on my phone in a frenzy of tears. 

I am so sorry for you and feel your pain.  Sometimes my heart hurts so much I feel like it's going to explode and on many days, I wish the sadness would stop consuming me.  And while my heart is exploding, I wish that I would also because it all too much feeling nothing and everything all at once.  I know how much you miss him and you feel like you can't live without him and your heart is badly broken and the bad new is that you never really get over it.  But the good news is he will live forever in your heart that doesn't truly heal and somehow, by the grace of God, you get through it.

Pray, then let it go.  Don't try and manipulate or force the outcome.  Just continue to praise God in spite of the pain; thank HIM  during the trials, trust HIM when you're tempted to lose hope and Love HIM when HE seems far away.

God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

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Lulu   

Francine, you always seem to say the just what I need to hear. Reading you are going through the same depths of loneliness, heartache, and pain gives hope that I can too can somehow continue with some sort of hope for the future, even though right now all I can feel is the pain and loss. Thank you.

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KayC   

Numb and Lost,

I really do think you have it harder with having to pretend, no one to share his loss with, no things to remember him by, it's hard.  There was another person, years ago, that went through the same thing only she wasn't married, just he was.  I've often wondered about her and how she's doing but she's disappeared from the forum and quit emailing and I can't find her address.  You are at one of the roughest places in your journey, so it's no wonder you are feeling like nothing helps.  All I know to do I have already shared with you, I wish I had a magic potion to make everything better for you, even if only slightly to give you some hope.

Zara,

I remember feeling like I was in the Twilight zone as well, I wonder if it's not something we all feel, like we're not in this world, everything seeming surreal.

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KMB   

Zara, Your term, the twilight zone, is so fitting. I feel like I got one foot in this life, and my other foot is either in the past with my husband or in the afterlife where he is at now. Most of the time, I don't feel like I belong here. I want to be where my husband is, but it is not my time yet. All we can do is take it day by day.  (HUGS)

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Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one in this pain. I know I'm not but in day to day life it feels that way a lot. I hate to know you all are hurting too but it does make me feel less alone. KMB that's how I feel too, like I don't belong here. I feel guilty about feeling so depressed but I can't change it. People that say "happiness is a choice" haven't felt my pain. I don't feel like I'm the same person at all. I just wonder if there are some of us that it will never get any better for and maybe I am one of those. I can't imagine it ever hurting less. My fear is if it ever does hurt less it will be because I have forgotten how he made me feel and what he brought to my life. Because unless I forget that I can't imagine the pain being any less. I love so hard and so deep when I love, and I am one of the most sentimental emotional people I know. "To feel everything so very deeply is a both a blessing and a curse"

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9 hours ago, Francine said:

I am so sorry for you and feel your pain.  Sometimes my heart hurts so much I feel like it's going to explode and on many days, I wish the sadness would stop consuming me.  And while my heart is exploding, I wish that I would also because it all too much feeling nothing and everything all at once.  I know how much you miss him and you feel like you can't live without him and your heart is badly broken and the bad new is that you never really get over it.  But the good news is he will live forever in your heart that doesn't truly heal and somehow, by the grace of God, you get through it.

Pray, then let it go.  Don't try and manipulate or force the outcome.  Just continue to praise God in spite of the pain; thank HIM  during the trials, trust HIM when you're tempted to lose hope and Love HIM when HE seems far away.

God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

Thank you Francine. I have been doing a whole lot of praying. I pray maybe he can be a special friend of mine when I get to heaven and maybe there is a plan God has for me to know him there one day again. I pray that maybe God did intend for me to meet him even if it wasnt for this life maybe it was only so I would know him there one day. 

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Little things get to me every day. Like today I put on the shoes I wore the last time I saw him and I cried and cried. I haven't worn them since he died. I had told him earlier that day I had on cute shoes and when he saw me he said "those are cute shoes." I just haven't been able to wear them. 

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KMB   

Numb and Lost,  Wear the cute shoes for him. I believe our loved ones can see and hear us in Heaven. I bet he would love to see you wearing those cute shoes!

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KayC   

Yesterday my older sister asked me to serve as Executor of the Estate should she and her husband die (they have no kids).  I started feeling overwhelmed!  To go through something like that alone, I just couldn't handle the anxiety I was feeling well up within me.  I knew if I just said no she would be very upset with me like I was letting her down.  I am clear across the state from her!  Her place is nice, everything she owns is nice, it's not like my place where everything can be donated or tossed away, everything would require pricing, selling.  I have a huge dog and a cat I can't leave home alone, I just didn't see how I could do it with no husband to help or count on.  She doesn't get that.  I have another sister nine years younger in great health that lives less than a mile from her.  I asked why she doesn't ask her, she has a husband and friends to count on, a daughter nearby.  She said because she is always so busy.  And I'm not??!  I have some place to go every day of the week, I may not get paid for my volunteer work but people count on me nonetheless just like a job.  My little sister works part time and her busyness is parties, traveling, and fun, something she could forgo for a bit.  I wouldn't have trouble with the bookkeeping part of it, it's the selling, clearing out, etc., how do you do all that with no help?

It's amazing how losing your husband can affect so many aspects of your life.  As a team we could tackle anything!  Just me alone, I feel cast adrift sometimes.  I can't even move a piece of furniture by myself!

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KayC   

Numb and Lost,

I understand, it's weird how stuff like this hits us.  Wear them for HIM if you can.

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Francine   
8 hours ago, KayC said:

Yesterday my older sister asked me to serve as Executor of the Estate should she and her husband die (they have no kids).  I started feeling overwhelmed!  To go through something like that alone, I just couldn't handle the anxiety I was feeling well up within me.  I knew if I just said no she would be very upset with me like I was letting her down.  I am clear across the state from her!  Her place is nice, everything she owns is nice, it's not like my place where everything can be donated or tossed away, everything would require pricing, selling.  I have a huge dog and a cat I can't leave home alone, I just didn't see how I could do it with no husband to help or count on.  She doesn't get that.  I have another sister nine years younger in great health that lives less than a mile from her.  I asked why she doesn't ask her, she has a husband and friends to count on, a daughter nearby.  She said because she is always so busy.  And I'm not??!  I have some place to go every day of the week, I may not get paid for my volunteer work but people count on me nonetheless just like a job.  My little sister works part time and her busyness is parties, traveling, and fun, something she could forgo for a bit.  I wouldn't have trouble with the bookkeeping part of it, it's the selling, clearing out, etc., how do you do all that with no help?

It's amazing how losing your husband can affect so many aspects of your life.  As a team we could tackle anything!  Just me alone, I feel cast adrift sometimes.  I can't even move a piece of furniture by myself!

Wow!  It evident your sister's confidence in you to get the job done is very important to her.  I have siblings and some of them I wouldn't trust to take my garbage out let alone handle my estate.   Didn't you have an accounting background, or do some kind of bookkeeping at one time or another?  Perhaps because your little sister is involved in partying, traveling and fun things is exactly why she was not asked.  I can only imagine that being an executor requires a high degree of organization - and from your post, you definitely have that.  Alone with the organizational skills, it is a huge responsibility and can be very time-consuming.  It's natural to feel honored, and because she is your sister, the urge to say yes is all the more pressing.  But given the complexities of the role, it's crucial that you feel fully capable; on the other hand, how do you tell your sister, no?    No matter what, you'll make the right decision for KayC. 

 

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Andy   

KayC, if anyone can manage this, it's you. I'm sure it's trust that your sister values most about you, something that simply can't be found as commonly as we'd like. I'm afraid it's your caring nature that's landed you this responsibility. See what having a sincere and honest personality gets you? :-)

Andy

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KayC   

Great!  :angry:  It seems daunting to me.  I don't have any problem tracking expenses, I'm great at bookkeeping, it's the long distance and how to physically get everything out of her house, I don't have help or support, my younger sister does.  Plus I'm aging, I don't know what kind of shape I'll be in by the time she dies.

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KMB   

KayC, While it is an honor of what your sister has asked of you, whatever you decide, I'm sure you will make the right choice for yourself. Your sister obviously has faith and trust that you have the abilities to handle this awesome, honorable task. I wouldn't worry excessively over it. Your sister and her husband are still very much here. Is this just in case something happens to them together? I would assume they are executors for each other's separate wills.  If something were to happen, I'm sure their attorney would do everything possible to be of help to you. When it comes to the physical labor of moving out furniture, etc. maybe the attorney could find volunteers or some organization for helping. A lot of the paperwork can be dealt with by mail so you wouldn't have to keep traveling back and forth so much.  (HUGS)

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HHFaith   

KayC,  you'll do fine. Just one day at a time!

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KayC   

Well she'll name whoever she names and whatever I feel about it won't change anything.  My other sister already named me without consulting me first, so I guess I'm stuck, just dreading the day...

I don't want to become a professional "executor"!  I have a lot of siblings!

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Francine   
8 hours ago, KayC said:

I don't want to become a professional "executor"!  I have a lot of siblings!

But apparently the best one (so your sister feels) for the job.   Don't worry, you'll be great!

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Kay C I'm sure you will do great also. I guess that's one of those things you can't really say no to!

I did wear the shoes, and smiled and cried while looking at them throughout the day. 

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KMB   

Numb and Lost, Wearing the shoes was a big step for you. I'm proud of you, your beloved is surely proud and I hope you are proud of yourself for taking that chance. keep wearing them when you can and soon you'll be smiling with the memories more than you'll be crying.  (HUGS)

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KayC   

Numb and Lost,

I'm glad you wore the shoes.  The smiling and tears you shed with them is part of the grief process and healthy healing tears.  I'm proud of you too!

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