RANT: Dealing with mother's death day by day.

[Sweetheart346]

It has been two weeks since my mother's funeral. My depression got worse when my aunt went back home in another state yesterday because I'm scared something similar will happen and she won't get to attend my college graduation in 3 years either. When I try to do normal activities such as getting my hair done, I think about when my mother would drop me off and how well she knew my hair stylist. When I go grocery shopping, I think of how my mother would show me how to tie the plastic bags with fruits in them. When I go looking for clothes, I remember how my mother would say she's not buying me more than one top we are looking for, but she still ends up buying me more things. When driving, I think of our many talks on the road and how unlike myself, she was calm when some fool did something on the road like cut her off with no warning. I also notice how words on tv or spoken by people such as: mother, mom, Mother's Day, blood, died, death, cancer, leukemia, funeral, casket, and even sorry...trigger my depression quickly and I start thinking of my mom in pain at the hospital or how I will never see her again. As well as how different she looked in the casket. This happens even when the topic is not directed to me. Nobody will ever love me as much as my mother, and now she can't anymore and she will never know how much I appreciated her.

[reader]

Dear Sweetheart,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the pain is deep. Its only normal and natural to think about all the times you spent with your mom. Your mom knew. She knew how much you loved her. All parents know.

Keep writing. Please know you are not alone. We will be here to listen and support you in anyway we can.

Thinking of you. Sending you all my thoughts and prayers.

 

 

[Gahlee]

2 weeks?  Oh Sweetheart, give yourself total permission to grieve any way you want, as long as you want, there is no limit to your pain at the moment.  I lost a brother in 69, my father 10 years ago and I thought that was deep pain until my mother died.  She will be gone 2 years in August and I seriously can't remember the first year.  Sleep was my comfort,period.  I didn't want to think about her, have such deep pain about her, I wanted to escape.  Thank goodness I have my kids and husband to support my grief as i don't know what I would do if they didn't.  Losing my mother was not losing just my mother.  I lost my sidekick, my therapist, my comedian, my person who loved every single thing I did in life, regardless if it was a stupid decision, she thought I was cute with an old LL Bean nightgown on with thick pink socks, she was rock solid, never complained about her poor physical condition and of course she was my mother.  But, I lost a million things with losing my mother. She lived with us for 2 years and they were the best ever.  Always laughing, having cocktails with us at night, we had a buzzer she could push any time she wanted even a cup of coffee.  (I must admit, I don't miss the buzzer hahahaha)  I was up day and night and was simply exhausted, spent and worn out.  But, it was worth it for her.  But, in the end, after she died, my life has caved in.  I don't know what to do anymore.  She was my rock as I was hers.  I closed my business of 20 years to take care of her and now simply can't return to it.  Every day when I wake up, i'm lost.  So, all I'm trying to say, is you have to grieve in the way it works for you.  Everyone in the world can tell me, "well she was 88" or "did you hear about the young girl that just died at 22?"  Do I feel for other peoples circumstances??  Of course, but it's not mine.  My pain has nothing to do with others pain.  I went from a confident, happy, business women, raising 4 kids at home for 25 years, everyone in the family (7 kids) came to me for advice, every single dinner occasion was at my house, I was the rock.  All that's gone and I'm working on getting it back but it will take time.  We talked about her dying many times through out my life and she always told me, "Please don't grieve for me Gayle, we said everything, we have never had an argument, we are special and you should always remember that."  Her parting words to me as I was crying frantically when they were going to take her to hospice, and yelling "What can I do Mom, what can I do?"  And in a very soft, hardly could talk said.... "You've done Everything."  And even though I know I have through her whole life, I want another day.  There will never be a time when I won't want another day, another hour, another minute.  I just want you to know that it is NORMAL for you to feel shattered, your world altered and in serious pain.  Now, after almost 2 years, I am feeling some days of joy, I do laugh again and have hopes that I will be living life like I should again.  I'm so happy I had the mother I had as most of my friends don't and it would probably be worse if I didn't have that.

 

[Gahlee]

Oh and Sweetheart, she definitely knew how much you appreciated her.  I took care of my father in many ways in the last 10 years of his life and he never said to me "Gayle, thank you for appreciating me" he couldn't really say that kind of thing but when he saw me and started clapping, literally clapping when he saw me, that was screaming "I appreciate you so much".  Think about her sweet smiles she gave you, or laughter she had with you or you happy for her to show you how to wrap the vegetables.  This was all telling you that she knew you appreciated her.