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Can't get over the guilt and regret


missingboo

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Hi All,

On January 12th, my husband and I unexpectedly lost our precious Boston Terrier.  A week prior, she'd started yelping and then her front legs gave out.  Thinking it was a disc, we watched her and gave her anti-inflammatories and pain medicine per the doctor until the morning of the 12th.  That morning, when I went to get her out of her crate, she couldn't stand up.  She had gone the bathroom in her crate as well.  I rushed her to the vet where they thought a disc had herniated.  We planned for surgery that afternoon.  The neuro surgeon did an MRI so he could locate the problem area, and to our horror discovered a brain tumor pushing on her spinal cord.  We talked about our options of possibly keeping her alive long enough to give her a few good nights with us. Also my husband was out of town.  Because she had been sedated for her MRI, she was in recovery.  I went in to pet her and told her I loved her and her father loved her and that we would see her later.  Ten minutes later, while I was in the car, I received a call that she'd gone into cardiac arrest.  I declined to have them perform CPR as I didn't want her to suffer more.

I was shell shocked and hysterical.  My husband, who is a veteran, had her since she was a puppy, before we'd even met. She was his best friend and he was out of the country at the time.  To say he was devastated would be the understatement of the century. 

We have slowly been trying to heal, but I cannot stop replaying the week's events over and over in my head.  I relive it in my head almost every night.  We found out the same week she had an undiagnosed heart murmur, and I know the medicine the vets had her on could cause complications with the MRI sedation, but since it was an emergency and an MRI was our only choice I let them do it.  I'm just feeling tremendously guilty.  We had a baby in 2015, and at that point after and during my pregnancy I hadn't let her sleep with us in bed anymore because I'd been so tired.  I'd yelled at her for constantly freaking out when someone was at the door.  I often treated her more as a nuisance.  I never stopped loving her though.  I just took for granted that she would be there.  Even the week before, when my husband wanted her to sleep with us I'd said no because I was sick.  Her last night, I woke up at 1 am to give her medicine and laid down beside her crate for a few minutes telling her what a good girl she was.  I didn't know she'd gone the bathroom and was laying in her own mess and probably terrified. If I'd known it was her last night I would've stayed with her all night and not gone back to bed.

I am racked with feelings of guilt that I cannot get past - I am afraid she wondered why she couldn't sleep with us and why she was no longer my center of attention after I had a baby.  I have so many regrets and so much guilt because I am afraid she felt unloved. 

My husband and I are slowly recovering, but he doesn't like to talk about it because it is still too painful, so I don't bring it up with him.  I can go days at a time being okay, but then it hits me like a freight train all over again.  I miss her so much and I fear my heart is forever broken. 

We are due to get a new puppy in a few weeks which I hope will bring some much needed joy, but I know I will never love another dog like I loved my Boston. 

I guess what I'm looking for is someone to tell me not to beat myself up though I'm not sure I will ever stop doing so.

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I am so sorry for the loss of your dog.  It's common to feel regret and guilt in grief, go through all the "what ifs", it's almost as if we're trying to find a different outcome, some new ending to this. 

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf 

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml 

the truth is, she knows you both love her, you gave her the best life you can and even at the end, your thoughts were of HER, not wanting HER to suffer, as a good parent should feel.  Now it is the two of you suffering.  People handle their grief differently, men and women sometimes respond differently.  

I know another dog will never replace her, they each create their own spot in our hearts, but it does help fill some of the void left behind to be able to give the love you have inside of you.  

I do hope you will give yourself permission to let go of the guilt, it's only value lies in calling our attention to needed change...when we've already learned what we need to learn or have nothing to learn from a situation, guilt needs to go, otherwise it only serves to hold us down.  Okay, here goes, don't beat up yourself!

Fee free to share a picture of her and stay in touch as you get your new puppy!

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Hello MissingBoo,

 

Let me start by saying: "You can stop beating up yourself!" That's a battle you can never lose, but also never win! And I guess that last one was what you are aiming for.

 

I read a lot of 'if's in your story and that's where a lot of your 'guilt' is originating from. But let go of that ...

If I take some of the things you write into consideration (pregnancy, being tired) it's only human that you made those decisions back then. And I believe that they were good ones too. Tbh with a baby in your household, you seem to have made very healthy choices to change your priorities. And because some routines changed, the dog wasn't happy. You can't explain it to an animal, but that doesn't mean it wasn't OK or wrong. Just common sense. I bet you still took good care of your dog, just in a different way. And yes, she may have lost some priviliges. But that doesn't make you a bad or mean 'mama' ... more a case of tough love.

 

I'll give you one thing to think about: if you can judge yourself and declare yourself guilty, you can also take the next step and forgive yourself. Maybe not now ... but in time. Just don't be so hard on yourself ...

 

Izzy

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Thank you all - sometimes I think it just takes an outside voice. I truly, truly appreciate the responses. ❤

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