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GhostofLight

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GhostofLight

I found this website earlier today.  So many of the posts here remind me of what I'm going through.  It's genuinely comforting.  I wanted to express some of my own sorrow.

Back in March I lost someone so precious.  Even if I could put it into words you wouldn't belive me.  You wouldn't believe how beautiful and perfect he was.  How perfect we were together.  You wouldn't understand that he was the person I'd dreamt of since childhood.

I knew from the start of our relationship that he had cancer.  I wanted to walk away, but I couldn't.  I was dumb enough to think I could make a difference.  I was dumb enough to think that I could outsmart a terminal disease.

I prayed.  I prayed every minute of every day.  I prayed to everyone I could think of.  People who had been close to me.  People who OWED me.  They let me down.  As far as I'm concerned they can all burn for eternity.

Everyone else gets the fun.  I get the heartbreak.  Don't tell me it will balance, because I don't belive in magic anymore.

There's nothing left of me.  I wake up.  I go to work.  I come home.  I have no interests.  I have no goals.  I have no hope.  I can't imagine a life that will be in any way satisfactory.  I'm stuck here.  In purgatory.  How many years?

I hate God for doing this to us.  I hate God for doing this to HIM.  Who forgives God?  I doubt I'll be able to.

That's the end of it.  The end of me.

 

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11 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

So many of the posts here remind me of what I'm going through.

Ghostoflight , Your not alone. That being said , their is a lot of information on this forum some of the threads are quit long now. I suggest word searching to find what your looking for. I know it's been talked about on here before you just need to find it. I'v been trying to make a table of contents for my thread and it's even been difficult. attached is a pdf doc. table of contents I hope it gives you ideas on what to search for.

Autocharge  Postingpage.pdf

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13 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

Even if I could put it into words you wouldn't belive me.

I bet we would.  Because I have read thousands and thousands of posts and one thing I've seen in common is that the people who go to grief forums are the ones that are really distraught over their loss, the ones that HAD something to lose!  The ones that lived and loved!  Many people are in relationships that "aren't".  We weren't those, we were the ones that had it all...and then it was gone before it should have.  

A lot of people feel angry with God.  I did for a while.  But then I came to the conclusion that stuff just happens, rather randomly, I don't see it as God out to ruin my life by handing me crap, I see it as He's been waiting in the wings, wanting to carry me, caring about what I'm going through, not the cause of it.  But everyone looks at it different, even on here.  I guess we have to have the perspective that gets us through this the best, whatever brings us comfort and encouragement.  Sometimes anger can fuel us through something too so it has a place...maybe not a good idea to keep it long term because we don't want it to do damage to us, more than we feel is already done.

I am so sorry for your loss.  I've heard it said that the greatest loss is the loss we are experiencing, right here, right now, to each of us our loss is the greatest.  And I see the truth in that.

I understand your saying you don't have any goals, etc., I can understand your feeling that way.  I want to share this article with you:
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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GhostofLight, I responded to you on another thread. Again, I am sorry for your loss. I wish that I could make everything alright and bring everyone's partners back on this forum. Being only a mere human though, I cannot do that. It brings me more heartache when I read of new members and feel their pain as my own. There are no words to console you, I get that. But, I can add you to my prayer list. God does see our suffering and He will bring us comfort and guide us along this new journey.  (HUGS)

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On 6/14/2017 at 8:38 PM, GhostofLight said:

You wouldn't believe how beautiful and perfect he was.  How perfect we were together.  You wouldn't understand that he was the person I'd dreamt of since childhood.

I knew from the start of our relationship that he had cancer.  I wanted to walk away, but I couldn't.  I was dumb enough to think I could make a difference.  I was dumb enough to think that I could outsmart a terminal disease.

I prayed.  I prayed every minute of every day.  I prayed to everyone I could think of.  People who had been close to me.  People who OWED me.  They let me down.  As far as I'm concerned they can all burn for eternity.

Everyone else gets the fun.  I get the heartbreak.  Don't tell me it will balance, because I don't believe in magic anymore.

There's nothing left of me.  I wake up.  I go to work.  I come home.  I have no interests.  I have no goals.  I have no hope.  I can't imagine a life that will be in any way satisfactory.  I'm stuck here.  In purgatory.  How many years?

I hate God for doing this to us.  I hate God for doing this to HIM.  Who forgives God?  I doubt I'll be able to.

That's the end of it.  The end of me

I am so very sorry for your loss and know exactly what you are experiencing.  Your story reminds me somewhat of mine.  My Charles and I were like you and your loved one - being perfect together; the person I dreamed of having in my life; just a all around wonderful person.  Before I met him, I never knew what it was like to look at a person and smile for no reason.   He was the best this life could offer; cancer didn't take him, a massive heart attack did.  I have always believed in prayer and God, so like you,  I did that - prayed, prayed and prayed some more.  It didn't help - Charles was gone and I was left - numb, in total shock, not believing what happened.  Talk about mad, angry and bitter, I was mad at the world and everybody in it.  And the top person on my list was God.  How could HE allow this to happen to me.

I feel you - without my Charles, there's really nothing left for me here.  You say you're in purgatory - I'm in Hell.  I'd rather stay asleep, in my own world - where Charles and i are together and all is well than to wake up to a living hell of pain, suffering, anger and heartbreak.   I guess that's what death really is - a deep sleep where there is no pain or suffering. 

When you lose someone and after sometime, you have nothing but time to digest it and really give it some thought.  I realize I don't hate God, I love HIM and am grateful he designed a man specifically for me and allowed us 45 wonderful years together.  We all must leave this world - that's a fact - and while my Charles is gone, he is not in any pain or not suffering - I'm grateful for that.  God answers my prayers - if not for HIM and prayer, I know I would not have made it thus far.   My Charles would want me to continue to live my life; and as hard as that is, I will; nothing like I would if he was with me; why would I, I'm not the same person I was.  I've learned not to put too much stock in people; they will not always be there when you really need them; the less you depend on them, the less disappointed you will be. Don't blame people for disappointing you, blame yourself for expecting too much from them.

You will get through this - not today, not tomorrow, not next week or perhaps not in the next months - but you will get through.  You're looking at your life with an out-of-focus lens; You don't need a new life, just a new lens through which to view the one you have.  This is not your end - it's your beginning.

Continue to post; we are all here for one another.  it's not by chance, a fluke a coincidence you are on this website at this time - you're suppose to be here - that's not fate - I call it God's Will.    Stay Strong, you're in my thoughts and prayers.

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