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Lost without him


JenC

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2 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

JenC, it is so hard for me, thinking about he was young and strong (he was a really strong man, strong chest, shoulders and legs) and an accident take him away from me, I think I might be easier to loss him now and not in the future, maybe years, aging together will make more difficult the grieve. Today have been a month since he passed away-

I was with Matthew for almost 19 years.  Since I was 17 years old.  We have so many great memories and 2 wonderful children but we also had so many dreams and plans for our future.  

I can't say whether it would be easier to lose your partner earlier in the relationship as I have never been through that but I do know that I wouldn't give up even one day we had together to make it easier on me. I cherish all the time together but I just wish I could have had more as I'm sure you do too.  

 

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Lulu,

Have you thought about telling someone you're close to what Lily really is to you?  It might feel like a weight off of you and it'd help to have at least one person that would realize the great loss you are suffering, perhaps someone you could talk to.  Are you afraid of their ensuing judgment?  I'm sorry, I hope you can find someone to really talk to, at least you have all of us here but I'd know it'd help to have someone physically present that could acknowledge your true loss.

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

Lulu,

Have you thought about telling someone you're close to what Lily really is to you?  It might feel like a weight off of you and it'd help to have at least one person that would realize the great loss you are suffering, perhaps someone you could talk to.  Are you afraid of their ensuing judgment?  I'm sorry, I hope you can find someone to really talk to, at least you have all of us here but I'd know it'd help to have someone physically present that could acknowledge your true loss.

No, I have no one I can tell. First, the closest people to me are my parents and one sister and sometimes I wonder if they know but prefer not to have it confirmed. I don't want to go down that road. And I really don't have any close friends. I also worry that it would get back to her family and I know some of them would be upset. I've heard their opinions on the topic and I know Lily would not want them to know. She was so wonderful and I'd hate for them to think negatively of her. She doesn't deserve it.

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I'm so sorry, Lulu, that there is no one on either side of the family you can talk to. To me, it is so sad that neither family doesn't know. How can a family not be open and honest with each other in order for there to be a true family bond? In order to truly love and know a person is to accept them for who they are. The families are the ones doing Lily an injustice  as to the sweet, loving person she is. It is an injustice to you also. You and Lily were able to find each other and enjoy a loving relationship and the injustice is that you couldn't share it with family. Such a tragedy this world of ours is when there is prejudices, judgements, no compassion. Love is love, it has no boundaries.    (HUGS)

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We were very guarded of our relationship and protective of each other. We never wanted each other to suffer from other's prejudices or negativity, and so we lived in our own world. Our home was our sanctuary, where we could be happy together. Now this same home is so empty and feels like a strange place to me without her. I eat and sleep here but am I really living? I can't say I am. Everyday after work, I just wait to fall asleep, hoping to see her in my dreams, and wake up, go to work, and repeat. I pray that God keeps me going and that one day this pained loneliness gets better. It will never be gone, but I hope it lessens. 

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I'm sorry, Lulu, you know best how they'd react.  I have a niece that got her Master's at George Fox University, why she chose that I'll never know, it's "Christian" and very black and white in their views...anyway she came out as gay and I was so afraid they wouldn't let her graduate.  That happened to someone at a Catholic University, she had two weeks left and they wouldn't transfer her credits, it went all the way to the Supreme Court and they found in favor of the Catholic University, said she knew their views when she signed on.  Anyway, everyone in my family has been so accepting, her parents struggled at first but worked through it.  I remember my little sister calling, crying, right after Chelsea told her, it wasn't in keeping with their religious views and she didn't know how to respond.  I told her she is the same little girl she's always been, and how proud she can be for her honesty and courage.  I talked with her about how I didn't see how this could be a "choice" as who would purposefully choose hardship and adversity, which comes with being "different" than the norm.  Anyway, I think our talk helped her because she handled it well once she'd had a bit to process it.  Her dad came around within a month or so, and her partner is invited along with her to any family get togethers.  I realize not everyone has supportiveness in their families.  Still, you mention you think her family suspects, yet they embrace you don't they, so it's like they want to accept but it's incompatible with their beliefs/teachings and they don't know how to resolve that.  

You had a beautiful relationship with Lily, you speak of how protective you were with each other, that says volumes.  I think in time your home will again be your sanctuary, it takes so long to process their death and all it means to us, in the beginning all you notice is the change, the emptiness, but in time it's like we learn to carry the essence of them inside of us, and many of us come to treasure the home we shared.

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41 minutes ago, KayC said:

 I realize not everyone has supportiveness in their families.  Still, you mention you think her family suspects, yet they embrace you don't they, so it's like they want to accept but it's incompatible with their beliefs/teachings and they don't know how to resolve that.  

You had a beautiful relationship with Lily, you speak of how protective you were with each other, that says volumes.  I think in time your home will again be your sanctuary, it takes so long to process their death and all it means to us, in the beginning all you notice is the change, the emptiness, but in time it's like we learn to carry the essence of them inside of us, and many of us come to treasure the home we shared.

I don't know if her family had any idea or suspected, but I do know some of them would not be supportive, The rest, I do not know. My family embraced her as my best friend and always welcomed her. If they suspected, they did not waver in their support, but once you confirm, things can change. I've seen that. There are other aspects that I do not wish to get into in a public forum for risk of discovery. I wish I could say more, but it's best all around to let things go on as they have been, but I do sometimes wish someone knew so they could really understand my pain and loneliness for Lily. I miss her every day, every minute, every second. I wish I could have her back, if only to say goodbye.

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23 minutes ago, Lulu said:

 I miss her every day, every minute, every second. I wish I could have her back, if only to say goodbye.

Me too.  The last time I saw Matthew in person was 8 days before he died when he dropped me and my daughter off at the airport for our trip.  I so wish we could have known that that would be the last time I would kiss him and hug him.  But we had no idea and just said our goodbyes like it would only be for a little bit and then we would be together again.  I wish I could have at least had a chance to say my final goodbye.  

I know it sounds stupid but I'm jealous of all you guys who had sick partners and knew it was coming.  I can't imagine how horrible that would be and the dread while you knew time was running out but I feel like at least then I would have said everything I wish I'd said knowing that time we didn't have much time.  

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44 minutes ago, JenC said:

Me too.  The last time I saw Matthew in person was 8 days before he died when he dropped me and my daughter off at the airport for our trip.  I so wish we could have known that that would be the last time I would kiss him and hug him.  But we had no idea and just said our goodbyes like it would only be for a little bit and then we would be together again.  I wish I could have at least had a chance to say my final goodbye.  

I know it sounds stupid but I'm jealous of all you guys who had sick partners and knew it was coming.  I can't imagine how horrible that would be and the dread while you knew time was running out but I feel like at least then I would have said everything I wish I'd said knowing that time we didn't have much time.  

I understand why one might think that you are able to say your goodbyes and say everything you wanted if you know your partner is sick. But that is not always the case, nor does it make it any easier. When we found out there was no hope for Lily, it was within a matter of days that she was no longer lucid enough to have a conversation with. At the same time, some of her family were always around so we couldn't really talk. When I tried to broach the topic that she wasn't going to get better, she replied "I'm not going to get better?" It was so heartbreaking, so I quickly stopped and said, we just need to keep praying and see what the doctors say about other treatments. She said she didn't want to give up so we never talked about the end. When she was in hospice, she still thought she would get better. The few times I  had a moment alone with her, I would tell her how much I loved her and that I would be okay and always carry her in my  heart. But I don't know if she understood or if she  had made peace. I hope she did. I know she was full of faith that God would send her a miracle. She never got to say goodbye to me. If she had, if we had, I think I would not be struggling as I am. I often wonder if she thought we gave up on her while she still wanted to fight. But I know she knew I never did. I would do anything for her, to give her another chance. I just wish we had been able to talk more those final days. It's so painful to think about. It's my greatest regret.

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10 hours ago, JenC said:

know it sounds stupid but I'm jealous of all you guys who had sick partners and knew it was coming.  I can't imagine how horrible that would be and the dread while you knew time was running out but I feel like at least then I would have said everything I wish I'd said knowing that time we didn't have much time.  

JenC, I sometimes feel the same way. I know both situations are just horrible in their own way but Pat died suddenly and I also wish I had even just a little time to tell him everything I felt. Yes he knew I loved him but I wish I could have told him just how much he meant to me, just one last time. Now I tell him every day, several times a day, that I love him. Why didn't I tell him that much when he was alive?  I don't know. 

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4 hours ago, HHFaith said:

JenC, I sometimes feel the same way. I know both situations are just horrible in their own way but Pat died suddenly and I also wish I had even just a little time to tell him everything I felt. Yes he knew I loved him but I wish I could have told him just how much he meant to me, just one last time. Now I tell him every day, several times a day, that I love him. Why didn't I tell him that much when he was alive?  I don't know. 

Exactly.  I too tell Matthew many times a day how much I love him.  We said it all the time when he was alive but I wish I had shown him more instead of just the words.  There are so many things I wish I had said and done before he was gone.  Things we put off because we couldn't afford them and thought we could do them later.  I wish we had just done them.  We could have made it work.  Now he won't ever get to and I don't want to do things without him.  I miss him so much. Our anniversary is coming up next week and I don't know how I'm going to get through that one. 

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Today has been a really difficult day.  

Our son graduated from elementary school and will be moving on to middle school in September and our daughter graduated middle school and will be going to high school come September.  These are milestones he should be here celebrating with us.  I'm so sad that he is missing them and so many more to come.  I just want to talk to him and see him again.  I don't know how I'm going to get through all this without him. He was the one I wanted to spend my life with and now that isn't possible.  It doesn't feel like things are ever going to be okay again.

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Quote

Today has been a really difficult day.  

Our son graduated from elementary school and will be moving on to middle school in September and our daughter graduated middle school and will be going to high school come September.  These are milestones he should be here celebrating with us.  I'm so sad that he is missing them and so many more to come.  I just want to talk to him and see him again.  I don't know how I'm going to get through all this without him. He was the one I wanted to spend my life with and now that isn't possible.  It doesn't feel like things are ever going to be okay again.

JenC, sometimes I think the loss of Mario will be easier if I had a son of him, something that strongly remind me of him, but reading what you are posting I feel this deep sadness in my heart, imagine what you are going through, spending all this beautiful and meaningful events in your life without him.

I understand what you feel when you say you want to spend your life with him, I wanted it as well, is so painful to wake up every morning living this reality.

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I felt that way when my son graduated from college, and when both of my kids got married.  It's hard facing their big days without our spouse at our side sharing in it.  Things are never the same again.  Things won't ever be the same again, but we do learn to live with the loss...not sure I'd phrase it "okay" though, I don't think we'll ever feel that way.

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I ran out of shaving cream today so grabbed Matthews off the counter (yes all his stuff is still out where he left it.) before jumping in the shower like I had done many times before he died.  I almost collapsed to my knees when I sprayed some in my hand to use and got a whiff of it.  It made me miss him so much more.  It was like I could smell him for a moment and he was there with me.  There are reminders of him everywhere around our house but the smell was something else.  All these things I didn't think about and then BAM it hits like a ton of bricks.  Yesterday was 10 weeks. It has been the shortest yet longest 10 weeks of my life if that makes any sense at all.  

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4 hours ago, JenC said:

then BAM it hits like a ton of bricks.

Oh, yeah, those triggers do hit hard. My husband's things are still everywhere. Memories associated with some cause me to smile, and some do still make me cry. It depends on the item. Someday, I will go through his things, but I'm not ready. Don't know if I will ever be. I know how hard this is Jen. :(

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Our brain remembers things differently when it's something involving our senses, it takes us back to the time and place when...

I can imagine this did hit you like a ton of bricks.  Time, it seems to be in a warp of it's own.  I'm sorry, I know how hard these triggers are.

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17 hours ago, KMB said:

Someday, I will go through his things, but I'm not ready. Don't know if I will ever be. I know how hard this is Jen. :(

Me too one day but not today. I need his stuff around me.  

 

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Our brain remembers things differently when it's something involving our senses, it takes us back to the time and place when...

I can imagine this did hit you like a ton of bricks.  Time, it seems to be in a warp of it's own.  I'm sorry, I know how hard these triggers are.

Thank you.  It caught me by surprise how hard it hit me. I've smelled his shirts and pillow before but I was expecting the smell and was looking for it.  When I wasn't thinking about it and all of a sudden it was there I just fell apart.  

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My wedding anniversary is on Friday.  It would have been our 16th and it will be my first without him.  

I don't drink very often but he had found these raspberry ginger  beers that I really liked and had put some in the fridge for me a few weeks before he died.  I had one left and had been saving it to drink on our anniversary.  I was just cleaning out the fridge and it's empty.  My brother that has been staying with us since my husband passed away drank it.  I am so angry and upset.  I know he obviously didn't realize what my plan had been but he had been asked to leave it alone.  He says he was going to replace it but he can't replace it.   It was the last one from Matthew.   It can't ever be replaced.  I know in the grand scheme of things it isn't that important but I feel so upset right now.  Like I lost another piece of him I had been saving. 

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6 hours ago, JenC said:

  Like I lost another piece of him I had been saving. 

I can understand how you feel. I have a box of his cereal still in the cabinet. I've been eating it a little. I decided that when it's gone I will keep the empty box on the shelf. Maybe forever!  There's one beer left of his in the fridge. I plan to drink it. Don't know when. I would also feel aweful if someone drinks it. There are so many things, even the little things, that make us feel like we're losing more of them. It's so hard to say goodbye to anything that they have a connection to. 

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8 hours ago, JenC said:

My wedding anniversary is on Friday.  It would have been our 16th and it will be my first without him.  

I don't drink very often but he had found these raspberry ginger  beers that I really liked and had put some in the fridge for me a few weeks before he died.  I had one left and had been saving it to drink on our anniversary.  I was just cleaning out the fridge and it's empty.  My brother that has been staying with us since my husband passed away drank it.  I am so angry and upset.  I know he obviously didn't realize what my plan had been but he had been asked to leave it alone.  He says he was going to replace it but he can't replace it.   It was the last one from Matthew.   It can't ever be replaced.  I know in the grand scheme of things it isn't that important but I feel so upset right now.  Like I lost another piece of him I had been saving. 

JenC,

I'm so very sorry for all this you've endured, and with the anniversary coming, it's bound to intensify things, as if it wasn't difficult enough. Our 25th anniversary is next Tuesday. I'm terrified, facing this day is unthinkable without my wife. This coming Saturday would've been her 43rd birthday, another day my daughter and I must face. These occasions, birthdays, holidays, special events or traditions, they serve to magnify our loss, almost emphasizing the missing pieces of our lives. It seems like some ridiculous nightmare that I'll never have another wedding anniversary. It's completely insane, but, here I am. Here we are. Trapped in this alternate reality where nothing makes sense, everything "looks" the same, but we know better. Broken hearts and vanished futures, that's what we have now. Picking up what's left and figuring out how and why we need to continue on, that's the tricky part. Truth is, part of us, a big part, doesn't want to continue on, but we must. We may never find a compelling reason like the love of our beloveds, but there are reasons. Wether it's children, family, work of a significantly personal nature or simply honoring our love, we live on the best we can. I'm 6 months into this journey. In some ways, things have gotten more familiar, therefore easier to cope with, other things have remained the same, and new dimensions appear from time to time. You'll find your way, you'll come to a place where you'll find your footing, you'll stand and live again. You will because you must. We must. 

Please, accept my heartfelt condolences and I'll be thinking of you and praying for you. May you find peace and comfort,

Andy 

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Wow, I'm sitting here digesting this, I know your brother can't possibly know what he did, but I understand.  Every little thing feels like another loss, another step away from them.  We can tell ourselves, it's only a beer, but to us it's more than that.  Pretty hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through it.  I had made my husband his favorite casserole because I was going to be gone that weekend.  He never even got to taste it.  Instead he had a heart attack, ended up in the hospital, and died there two days later.  I only went away once a year, wouldn't you know it'd be that weekend.  When I came home and saw the casserole he never even got to try, it hit me hard.  It's weird stuff like that.  For a long time.

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41 minutes ago, KayC said:

Wow, I'm sitting here digesting this, I know your brother can't possibly know what he did, but I understand.  Every little thing feels like another loss, another step away from them.  We can tell ourselves, it's only a beer, but to us it's more than that.  Pretty hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through it.  I had made my husband his favorite casserole because I was going to be gone that weekend.  He never even got to taste it.  Instead he had a heart attack, ended up in the hospital, and died there two days later.  I only went away once a year, wouldn't you know it'd be that weekend.  When I came home and saw the casserole he never even got to try, it hit me hard.  It's weird stuff like that.  For a long time.

Thank you.  It feels silly being so upset over a drink.  It's comforting to be able to come here and tell you guys these things and get answers back saying you understand.   I'm sorry he never got try your casserole.  

To others it is just a drink or just a casserole but to us it is important.  I too never went away much but was in Europe when my husband passed. I regret going so much and not being home with him.  There are so many why did I do this or why didn't I do that that I just can't stop thinking about.  

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No it's not silly at all.  We get it.

I think the questioning everything is a way of wanting to rewrite it but I guess that's futile.  Still, one thing we can be assured of is our love for each other, we had the best!

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Today would have been our 16th wedding anniversary.  I have been so emotional today.  I miss him so much everyday but today is especially hard.  
I went to the funeral home today and picked up his ashes.  I hadn't done it yet as we weren't sure what we wanted for an urn and to be honest I just wasn't ready to accept he was just ashes.  I did it today though because I felt I needed to have him here with me.  I also ordered the urn I choose but it won't be ready until next week so he is in a cardboard box urn right now.  I hate this new life.  I just want to go back to when we were all happy and he was here with us.  It's so hard.

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JenC,  Anniversary's, birthdays, etc. are so d@mn hard and difficult to endure. Due to your recent loss, you most likely don't feel like doing anything to honor your anniversary at this time. The love bond you and your husband share will always be there and of course he is more than *just ashes*. I have my husband's ashes here yet. Even though I know his physical body was just a shell to house his spirit and personality while in this life, I haven't found myself in a state of mind yet where I can let the rest of him free. It is so hard to explain the conflicting feelings on these kind of issues. I know my husband wants me to spread his ashes around our property, but at the same time, it will also make that action have so much more finality to his not being here, in our home. I know that sounds contradictory since his essence will be all over the property. Guess it shows how messed up our thought process is during this time.  HUGS to you Jen

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Jen,

This makes it all seem so real, doesn't it.  How hard to deal with that in addition to your anniversary.  My heart goes out to you.

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On 28/06/2017 at 3:36 AM, Lulu said:

No, I have no one I can tell. First, the closest people to me are my parents and one sister and sometimes I wonder if they know but prefer not to have it confirmed. I don't want to go down that road. And I really don't have any close friends. I also worry that it would get back to her family and I know some of them would be upset. I've heard their opinions on the topic and I know Lily would not want them to know. She was so wonderful and I'd hate for them to think negatively of her. She doesn't deserve it.

You know what Lulu, ultimately it doesn't matter that people don't know what you are going through and what Lily was to you. Because even if you are in a recognised relationship, people have no idea what you are going through. If it was Lily's choice not to disclose it in life, I guess you have to honour that in death.

At the moment I have people telling me how much Tim loved me and how it was so obvious to everyone... which helps and doesn't help. it makes me feel his loss more keenly. I am so much more aware of the love that I have lost.

Oh and even if you get the chance to say goodbye.. it doesn't ease the pain. There is still so much I wish I could say to him. I'd give anything for one more conversation. In the end he was too sick to answer me much.. just mouthing I love you. And he was so ravaged by cancer - he seriously looked better in his coffin than he had in life for months. That's the image I have when I close my eyes. My hearty, brilliant and funny husband - emaciated, yellow and struggling for every breath. Knowing it may come doesn't ease the pain. Nothing does.

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17 hours ago, KMB said:

JenC,  Anniversary's, birthdays, etc. are so d@mn hard and difficult to endure. Due to your recent loss, you most likely don't feel like doing anything to honor your anniversary at this time. The love bond you and your husband share will always be there and of course he is more than *just ashes*. I have my husband's ashes here yet. Even though I know his physical body was just a shell to house his spirit and personality while in this life, I haven't found myself in a state of mind yet where I can let the rest of him free. It is so hard to explain the conflicting feelings on these kind of issues. I know my husband wants me to spread his ashes around our property, but at the same time, it will also make that action have so much more finality to his not being here, in our home. I know that sounds contradictory since his essence will be all over the property. Guess it shows how messed up our thought process is during this time.  HUGS to you Jen

Our special spot was a cove that is a provincial park here around 20 minutes from where we live.  It has a dock that goes out and looks over the sound and it is absolutely beautiful. It is where we went with friends and spent all night at talking until the sun came up the first day we met, where we spent many times sitting and just being together, where he proposed to me, where he brought me to read a poem he had written just for me, where we had our wedding photos taken and so many other great memories.  I took him there yesterday and just sat on the dock with him next to me and looked out at the ocean remembering the great times we had.  It was really hard knowing that we won't be able to make any new memories but I am so grateful for the ones I have.  

IMG_2321.thumb.jpg.1e21ad844eb40fe9a00ed31610648428.jpg

 

 

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Jen,

This makes it all seem so real, doesn't it.  How hard to deal with that in addition to your anniversary.  My heart goes out to you.

It does make it real.  There is just something so final about it.  I don't think I was ready to have his ashes here until yesterday.  It was a good day to take that step.  I needed him here with me for our anniversary.

 

 

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1 hour ago, Artesia said:

At the moment I have people telling me how much Tim loved me and how it was so obvious to everyone... which helps and doesn't help. it makes me feel his loss more keenly. I am so much more aware of the love that I have lost.

 

I get what you mean here.  People keep telling me the same thing.  They always say you could see it every time he looked at me that he was so in love and proud of me. It is nice to hear but also makes it hurt so much more.  I knew he loved me but the fact that it was obvious to everyone that knew us is something I will cherish as well.  

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On 7/3/2017 at 11:38 AM, JenC said:

Me too one day but not today. I need his stuff around me.  

 

Thank you.  It caught me by surprise how hard it hit me. I've smelled his shirts and pillow before but I was expecting the smell and was looking for it.  When I wasn't thinking about it and all of a sudden it was there I just fell apart.  

When I got my clothes from Bev's I also took two of my shirts I had given her. I hung one in the closet and put the other one in a Ziploc so the smell won't fade. 

Yesterday I put on one of my shirts that had been in her closet and it also had the smell and I just kept putting it to my face to smell it. By evening it seemed to just smell like a shirt. 

So yes for me smell is such a strong reminder that is sometimes good and other times heart wrenching.

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On 6/27/2017 at 10:36 AM, Lulu said:

No, I have no one I can tell. First, the closest people to me are my parents and one sister and sometimes I wonder if they know but prefer not to have it confirmed. I don't want to go down that road. And I really don't have any close friends. I also worry that it would get back to her family and I know some of them would be upset. I've heard their opinions on the topic and I know Lily would not want them to know. She was so wonderful and I'd hate for them to think negatively of her. She doesn't deserve it.

Well, I had written a more detailed response to this and the internet ate it, but I just wanted to say, Lulu I know that feeling of having to hide what a special relationship you had with Lily. I have friends that know, but they never knew Bev. It was fairly obvious to her roommate but never was discussed. That leaves me with her long time friend who she had actually told, but aside from the fact he's not an outwards emotional person, he's also dealing with his own grief of losing his closest friend of 20 years. We talked a lot from the day she was admitted until her death but now that has all but stopped. 

I'm very sorry you have to keep the extent of the relationship locked up in your heart and mind. It does make the sadness and pain that much more difficult. At 11:15 this morning it marked a week from her death. I sat here crying and talking to her, but I had to wonder if anyone else was thinking of her at that moment. 

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3 hours ago, SweetBear said:

Well, I had written a more detailed response to this and the internet ate it, but I just wanted to say, Lulu I know that feeling of having to hide what a special relationship you had with Lily. I have friends that know, but they never knew Bev. It was fairly obvious to her roommate but never was discussed. That leaves me with her long time friend who she had actually told, but aside from the fact he's not an outwards emotional person, he's also dealing with his own grief of losing his closest friend of 20 years. We talked a lot from the day she was admitted until her death but now that has all but stopped. 

I'm very sorry you have to keep the extent of the relationship locked up in your heart and mind. It does make the sadness and pain that much more difficult. At 11:15 this morning it marked a week from her death. I sat here crying and talking to her, but I had to wonder if anyone else was thinking of her at that moment. 

I have every monthly anniversary of her passing marked on my calendar. I wonder if anyone else that knew her or if her family recognize the date too or is it just me. Most of her friends were from her job and I only met some of them when they would visit her at the hospital and hospice. Afterwards, they said keep in touch. I sent them a text every now and then, but all they'd say was the typical platitudes and repeat to keep in touch. Yet, they never reach out to me. Why does it have to be me? I feel like I'm intruding on their lives. Eventually I just stopped. So, I can't talk to anyone that knew her as a way to get some comfort in knowing they understand what a wonderful person Lily was and how sad we are she's gone. I can't talk to her family about her for several reasons. Some I feel resented meso I don't want to push it with them. Others were kind to me but when I expressed that I was struggling with Lily's passing, they didn't get it and would simply say losing a friend is hard. I feel as if I express my continued grief, they would start to wonder why. They also don't really reach out to me on a regular basis. Sometimes I just want to talk to someone who knew her and commiserate. Someone that would know I'm not exaggerating when I say what a sweet and generous person she was. It hurts to go through this while keeping the pain and loneliness to myself.

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Sadly I'm starting to realize that whole "keep in touch" thing is a joke. My mom had so many friends at her church and they all promised her they'd be here for me. That was a grand total of two. Now with Bev I've had probably at least 10 people say--If you need anything let me know!

The day we had to call 911 for Bev I called my friend of 30 years from the ER. Then talked to her several times up until last Saturday. And then not a peep until yesterday. 

So like with my mom I'll deal with this on my own. I don't hide my grief and that seems to piss people off too. Bev use to call it "performing" for the crowd". Put on that fake smile so nobody feels uncomfortable. Play the happy camper. 

I'm sorry you're so alone with this in your day to day life. :(

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Sometimes people doesn't know what to say or how to act when someone is going onto a bad moment, and is more difficult if we talk about dead. Mario's friends lived with him, so I was around them often because I spent a lot of time in Mario's house, and they haven't ask not even once, how Im doing. And I think it is because they don't know what to say, or might know that anything they say will bring some relieve to me.

People is afraid of pain, they dont want to get close, because everyone is afraid of losing someone, my older sister, she always cries with my, and she tells me that she is afraid of thinking what could feel to lose a loved one, I think people avoid that kind of thoughts and that's why they stay away from us, I dont know, thats what I think

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I've found we really are doing this grief journey alone.  No one is as affected as we are or in the same way, so there really isn't anyone that will share this journey with us.  If we have anyone checking on us at all, no matter how sporadic it is, we are fortunate.  People just aren't affected like we are, they're busy in their everyday lives, and only occasionally think of us.  In my situation, all our friends totally disappeared overnight.  I did make a new friend after he died and we were in each other's lives for years until she moved and remarried.

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I think I'm going crazy.  Saturday I hit the 12 week mark since Matt's been gone.  My brother has been staying with me since we lost him and he has been great but lately I was feeling like I needed some space and I started hinting to him that he could go home now and that we would be okay.  Well today he went home and now I can't stop crying.  I feel so alone and I don't know what I want anymore. 

I wanted space to figure out what my life is going to look like now but now that I have it It feels so scary to not have that constant here anymore.  I know he will visit lots but it's scary.  It makes me miss Matthew so much more.  I hate that he isn't ever coming home again. I'm so sad, angry and just plain confused.  I don't know what I'm doing anymore. 

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1 hour ago, JenC said:

I think I'm going crazy.  Saturday I hit the 12 week mark since Matt's been gone.  My brother has been staying with me since we lost him and he has been great but lately I was feeling like I needed some space and I started hinting to him that he could go home now and that we would be okay.  Well today he went home and now I can't stop crying.  I feel so alone and I don't know what I want anymore. 

I wanted space to figure out what my life is going to look like now but now that I have it It feels so scary to not have that constant here anymore.  I know he will visit lots but it's scary.  It makes me miss Matthew so much more.  I hate that he isn't ever coming home again. I'm so sad, angry and just plain confused.  I don't know what I'm doing anymore. 

I don't think you're going crazy, you're just trying to find a new (unwanted) normal. I haven't had anyone around on a constant but I feel like I keep trying to outrun the hurt and pain. Like if I go from one place to another that emptiness/hurt will stay in the other area and I'll have some relief. Yet there it is in the next room or situation. I kind of wish I had someone here like you had, but then I don't. 

Matthew is likely watching over you and maybe you just need this alone time to try and "connect" to him and that will help you day to day to see where the next part of life is? 

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Jen,

At some point we're all left alone to deal with what our life is now.  Of course that's scary!  I remember feeling very anxious, frantic in those early days.  Still do at times.  You're not crazy.  You will cry, you will scream, but you will have moments when you catch yourself actually smiling and it will take you by surprise.  Everything you feel is normal.  In the beginning, thoughts of George spun me into tears, eventually thoughts of him brought me comfort, encouragement, I can't say how long that took to change, quite a while though.

One day at a time.

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11 hours ago, JenC said:

I think I'm going crazy.  Saturday I hit the 12 week mark since Matt's been gone.  My brother has been staying with me since we lost him and he has been great but lately I was feeling like I needed some space and I started hinting to him that he could go home now and that we would be okay.  Well today he went home and now I can't stop crying.  I feel so alone and I don't know what I want anymore. 

I wanted space to figure out what my life is going to look like now but now that I have it It feels so scary to not have that constant here anymore.  I know he will visit lots but it's scary.  It makes me miss Matthew so much more.  I hate that he isn't ever coming home again. I'm so sad, angry and just plain confused.  I don't know what I'm doing anymore. 

You are not going crazy. This is completely normal. I had friends and family stay with me for the first month after Lori passed. It was nice just to have another human in the house. On May 1st I started staying alone in the house and it was a shock to the system. Coming home from work or from dinner to an empty house the loneliness hit me like a ton of bricks. One evening I got home from work and opened the garage and Lori's car was there. My first thought was, "Good Lori's home before me!", only to have the horrible reality sink in that she would never be there again. I pray that you can find some peace and comfort as you move into this new phase. 

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4 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

You are not going crazy. This is completely normal. I had friends and family stay with me for the first month after Lori passed. It was nice just to have another human in the house. On May 1st I started staying alone in the house and it was a shock to the system. Coming home from work or from dinner to an empty house the loneliness hit me like a ton of bricks. One evening I got home from work and opened the garage and Lori's car was there. My first thought was, "Good Lori's home before me!", only to have the horrible reality sink in that she would never be there again. I pray that you can find some peace and comfort as you move into this new phase. 

Yes! Whenever I go visit family or have them visit me, I actually feel like I can get through this. The pain is still there and I still constantly think about my Lily and feel lonely for her, but I somehow feel like I can go on. But as soon as I go back home or as soon as they leave, the cold, emptiness and sadness comes rushing back. I feel it so deeply and feel like no, I can't go one. I was just fooling myself. Sometimes, I think I should limit the visits so that I don't put myself through that torture but at the same time, I can't bear to me alone.

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23 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

One evening I got home from work and opened the garage and Lori's car was there. My first thought was, "Good Lori's home before me!", only to have the horrible reality sink in that she would never be there again.

It hasn't sunk in to the deepest part of you yet that she is gone.  I actually think this is a harder phase than when it does sink in because when these rude awakenings occur, they are horrible, like when you first find out.  Little by little your brain processes it, the adjustment can't happen until it finally has processed, it takes a while.

It's easier when we're with friends/family, it's a distraction and we also feel their supportiveness.  Coming home to harsh reality is tough. :(  It is good, though, to have a brief reprieve from the deep pits of grief.

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

It hasn't sunk in to the deepest part of you yet that she is gone.  I actually think this is a harder phase than when it does sink in because when these rude awakenings occur, they are horrible, like when you first find out.  Little by little your brain processes it, the adjustment can't happen until it finally has processed, it takes a while.

It's easier when we're with friends/family, it's a distraction and we also feel their supportiveness.  Coming home to harsh reality is tough. :(  It is good, though, to have a brief reprieve from the deep pits of grief.

This is so true. I used to come home and if her car wasn't in the drive way, I would think, I beat her home! If it was in the drive way, my heart would jump with joy! Now, when I come home, the car is in the driveway but it means nothing. Or, well, it means she is gone, because it is just there. Almost like a cruel joke, the car is there but she will not be inside our home. When I see a car in traffic that likes her hers, I actually do a double take without thinking. I mean I know it's not her, but I can't help but hope. Other times, they just remind me of her and I say, Hi, Lily, where you going? I know it's not her but I just want some connection wherever I can get and see it.

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Thanks for all the replies everyone.  I haven't been on here since my post on July 17th.   I just needed some time.  I am getting better now about my brother going home.  He comes over a few times a week and visits and slowly we are adjusting to our new normal.  If you can call it normal.  

A couple days ago I got a message from the bank that our life insurance we had on our mortgage and line of credit was approved and would be payed off within 10 days.  I about lost it on someone when they said I was lucky not to have a mortgage anymore.  I know it should be a relief but in reality it just makes me sad.   I wish we still owed a ton of money on our line of credit and mortgage.  It would mean he was still here and none of this would be happening.  I would give up everything to have him back here with me and the kids.  People just don't understand that but I know you guys do.

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55 minutes ago, JenC said:

I know it should be a relief but in reality it just makes me sad.   I wish we still owed a ton of money on our line of credit and mortgage.  It would mean he was still here and none of this would be happening.  I would give up everything to have him back here with me and the kids.  People just don't understand that but I know you guys do.

We all need to take a break from certain things during this rough time. Life is so overwhelming right now and we need time to regroup, restore some energy, in order to try to keep going. I think all of us here would give anything to have our loved one and our life with them back again.   (HUGS)

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We were in the middle of securing life insurance and hadn't signed yet because I was fighting them for coming in higher than they'd quoted me...and he died suddenly and unexpectedly.  I was hit with tons of hospital, doctor, ambulance bills, and $120 in my account.  I would have considered life insurance a blessing, but I understand your feelings because it comes at the expense of his death, which none of us want.    Barring that, it's better without a mortgage than with one because then I lost my job and was afraid I'd lose our home too.

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

We were in the middle of securing life insurance and hadn't signed yet because I was fighting them for coming in higher than they'd quoted me...and he died suddenly and unexpectedly.  I was hit with tons of hospital, doctor, ambulance bills, and $120 in my account.  I would have considered life insurance a blessing, but I understand your feelings because it comes at the expense of his death, which none of us want.    Barring that, it's better without a mortgage than with one because then I lost my job and was afraid I'd lose our home too.

I'm so sorry that you had that experience.  I can't imagine having that added stress on top of what we are already going through.  It is just too much some days.  I hope it all worked out for you in the end and you were able to keep your home.

Realistically I know that I am fortunate that we had insurance to cover these things.  I know that there are so many people out there that don't have the insurance necessary when tragedy strikes.   I know all this but it still makes me so sad to have to use it.  

 

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13 hours ago, KMB said:

We all need to take a break from certain things during this rough time. Life is so overwhelming right now and we need time to regroup, restore some energy, in order to try to keep going. I think all of us here would give anything to have our loved one and our life with them back again.   (HUGS)

Yes it is very overwhelming.  Some days I think I'm coping well and then the next I'm a complete mess again.  

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19 hours ago, JenC said:

I know all this but it still makes me so sad to have to use it.  

Even though I wish I hadn't had to struggle financially, I know so many who had the life insurance and felt bad having to touch it because of the price, the loss of their husband.  I try to look at it as their provision, in the end they wouldn't want you to have any more hardship than you already do.

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