Lost my husband

[Nica]

I lost my husband four months ago and feel completely lost in this new reality that was suddenly forced on me.  I decided to reach out on these boards because of something my mother-in-law and I spoke about last night.  All I can think about is dying too.  Not to be with him because I don't believe in that but because I want the pain to end.  I can't imagine having to be alive for years dealing with this pain and the void in my world that he left.  My mother-in-law said I have to honor him with my life because if I decided not to live, everyone would blame him and he doesn't deserve that.  I hate that I know that is true.  People would blame him even though he didn't want to die suddenly and leave me in this pain.  I guess it is just human nature to have anger after a loss and need someone to blame, but I wish it wasn't like that.  I wish people could understand and accept that my life ended with him.  We were unable to have children, so there is no one left in this world who needs me.  They just want this shell that looks like me to continue to walk around so they feel better or don't have to feel worse.  Some days I am so angry at my family and friends for that, for preferring my pain over theirs.  Does anyone else struggle with these feelings?  How do you want to live in a world and life that is so pointless?

[Nobody1]

Hi Nica, I saw that you quoted one of my posts and wanted to thank you for saying that my negativity actually helped you feel less alone. I agree. It seems to help me when I read that others feel the same way. I know that sounds horrible. I wouldn't wish these feelings on my worst enemy but it's a comfort to know I'm not the only one. 

Like you, my husband and I had no children and the only reason I get up in the morning is for our 2 dogs. I put on the "I'm ok" face for for the benefit of others. I always feel like my presence just makes people uncomfortable. That's why at this point it's just easier to be alone. Then I can sit in my house and be as angry and miserable as I want. 

Yes, I have no desire to live and if I found out something was wrong with me I would probably refuse treatment. If cigarettes were cheaper, I'd probably smoke more. I know that there are those who believe that this behavior requires therapy ASAP but therapy can not help someone unless that person is open to receiving help. No one can tell me my life is worth living. Only I can say whether it is or not and right now, it is not. 

I do hope you find help on this site. If only to feel less alone. Sometimes that's just enough to get you through the day. 

Sandy

[Donna7431]

I'm also finding myself walking around swearing at God and wishing I were dead. Just so the pain will stop. I also have no children, just a mother with dementia and four cats.  I keep trying to move forward. One step forward and two steps back. But reading through these forums, some are actually happy again. Some are dating. We all need more time to pass. That is the secret. Time. Alcohol takes the edge off.  So does smoking marijuana if you are able to get some. Time. I wish summer were over.

[Francine]

Nica,

I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing and know too well what you are going through; believe me I've been there and if I'm being honest with myself on many occasions, go back there.  I think we've all thought of dying for whatever reason, but I think that's part of the territory when you're grieving.  My Charles and I were blessed to share 45 wonderful years together, so believe me, I know the void you are referring to.  For a long time, I hated the world; as the world moved forward, I stood in total darkness, frozen, broken, and shattered into a million pieces.  I wouldn't or perhaps couldn't accept the reality that he was gone - but is was and still is - real......he is gone.  His death changed me as I imagined your husband's death changed you.  My life ended the day my Charles was taken from this earth, it took me with him. 

To others, I may seem fine; but when I'm alone, I am the *real* me.  I'm brokenhearted and miserable - I miss him in a way I can't explain; he was and still is a part of my life, my very being and will always be in my heart as long as I have breath in my body.  I felt as you did - thinking my life and this world was pointless - I'm beginning to see things differently.   When we come to the end of our lives together, the house we had, the car we drove, or the things we possess won't matter - what will matter is that I had and loved my Charles and he had and loved me - and nothing about that is ever pointless; for me it was meaningful, powerful and worthwhile.

I am a strong believer in God and prayer.  When our loved one dies, they have only finished their *schooling* on this earth and have returned home  - to heaven, to the other side or the afterlife - all the same place.   Whatever they were to learn, teach, accomplish, experience, overcome, to live, and the greatest of all - to love - has been completed and accomplished - and God took them to himself.  It doesn't mean the end of our connection with them is over; I accept they are still very much with us - in a different form - spirit/energy, our true form. Our spirits are much larger than our bodies; the body is pathetic compared to what we have inside us.   I have to believe they want us to know they are still with us, okay and safe.   When our loved ones cross over, they bring back the best of themselves, memories and the greatest of all - their love for us which is always and forever. Love is never ending.  Always remember, the separation from our loved ones, is only temporary.

I do hope you continue to post.  I believe we are all here at this time and place for a reason; to uplift and support one another - sure; but more than that.  To learn from one another;  and to love one another.   I pray God give you strength to make it through this difficult journey.  Stay strong!

 

[HHFaith]

13 hours ago, Francine said:

When we come to the end of our lives together, the house we had, the car we drove, or the things we possess won't matter - what will matter is that I had and loved my Charles and he had and loved me - and nothing about that is ever pointless; for me it was meaningful, powerful and worthwhile.

You did it again Francine. I just finished reading your post and I'm having a good cry for myself. Yes life did seem pointless at first but somehow I am learning, slowly but surely, that my life will continue and my future can be good. And I hope I can feel happiness and joy again but that will probably take longer. It won't be the same happiness I felt with Pat but I have to believe I can have some happiness again. 

Im feeling "excited" for the first time. I finally got the job offer I was waiting for and I go back to work next week. I was interviewing when Pat died so things were on hold for a while. I am so grateful. Grateful that I had all this time off to focus on the grief and healing. And grateful that this job was my first choice. So many good things about it. But it does feel strange to actually feel excited about something. The worst part was not being able to pick up the phone and call Pat about the offer. But I did tell him, just without the use of a phone!  I know he was looking out for me. 

So another new chapter begins. another new adventure.  It will be good to get back to a "normal" schedule/ routine and have a new focus. I only wish Pat was here to share this with me but I am grateful that I can share my good news with all of you.  

 

[Francine]

HH Faith

I am so happy for you and the new job offer.  Lord knows your life has been turned upside down and you have had some troubles along the way.  But God turned it around for your good and made a way out of no way.  That's what HE does. I'm excited for you and I know Pat is as well. You may not see it today or tomorrow, but one day you will look back and be totally perplexed and awed by how every little thing added up and brought you to somewhere wonderful - or where you always wanted to be.  And maybe you will be even more grateful that things didn't work out the way you once wanted them to. 

Again, congrats to you and the job - you know you're always in my prayers.

[KMB]

HHFaith, Congratulations in landing the new job and the one you really wanted! Yes, I believe Pat was looking out for you and working on your behalf ,*behind the scenes*. Don't forget to give yourself credit also. You persevered and put in the effort in looking out for yourself in moving forward. Life does continue and we need to go with it. Pat is always going to be right by your side, supporting you spiritually.   (HUGS)

[KayC]

I hate to see people give up because if you put in the time and effort on the grief work, you just might find a glimmer of hope on down the road.  I know I felt lost, desperate, hopeless in the beginning so I understand the feelings, it's taken more time than I can say, I can't tell you when because everyone's timetable is different.  Having a place to come to like this makes all the difference in the world!

HHFaith, 

I'm excited about your job and I hope it turns out great for you.  Let us know how it goes, will you?  Good luck!

[HHFaith]

Francine, KMB, and KayC,

Thank you so much for your kind words and your well wishes. I really appreciate it. You are true "virtual" friends!!