My rock passed away and my life is a mess

[lostdroid]

I've posted here a while ago, while my dad was alive and I've anticipated his death. I knew in my mind and heart this was going to happen. He died a month and half ago. I don't understand why it still feels like yesterday. I was with him everyday for 7 months while he was hospitalized. He was only awake for 1-2 entire days at that point. I still felt his presence so never left his side. But now he's physically gone and there's this unexplainable void in my heart and soul. We had so many plans together. We never really travelled because of his work and my work but we spent a lot of time together. I'm 27 and he was in his early 60's. His death was due to medical malpractice so I'm still at the courts fighting for justice. It was a painful 7 months.

I fought this journey by myself. A lot of family members couldn't handle it and stepped aside. My own brother couldn't face what's happened. I had a partner who supported me every now and then. He would sleep in the hospital with me when I asked him to. But It was just me during all those months. I arranged for the funeral, wake, all the estate legalities and still doing a lot of things on my own. I do it because he's a part of me and he's my father and can't imagine anyone else carrying this burden. It makes me feel still close to him in a way.

But I think all the strength has dissipated. I don't have the will to fight, walk or eat. I understand this could be grief and the realisation he's actually gone. I stopped visiting his graveyard because it's too painful and feel tremendously guilty for not doing that.

My boyfriend said that my "grief" or the death of my father had a massive impact on him as well. He didn't really know him but he saw him dying in the end. But I didn't realise why it's a bigger toll on him than me. He asked for space between us and said he's not able to support me during this grief period. I am really confused. I lost my father almost a month and half ago and I'm super shattered. I am usually known and portray myself as a strong and independent woman but now I'm weak and helpless and depressed. Does my grief and pain affect people around me even when I try to not show it. Does it scare people away. It's the first time I'm going through this and I didn't want to be alone. My boyfriend said I should lean on my friends more as he's not strong for me and will be strong in a couple of weeks or months so until then I'm on hold. He said he loves me but has to refocus on his life. 

What am I doing wrong. Is this common?

[ModKonnie]

I am very sorry for the loss of your father. He has only been gone 1 and 1/2 months. That's just so fresh and raw. Of course you are feeling emotionally drained and exhausted, unable to see how to move forward. Perhaps for now, just concentrate on trying to take care of yourself. It's okay to keep crying and to feel disoriented and lost. It's all so normal. In time, you will begin to heal and move forward. 

As for your boyfriend, he truly may be dealing with this badly because it all scares him. I mean, it scares all of us, doesn't it? While of course you are overwhelmed, he probably is too and trying to sort through everything. Try talking to the rest of your family for support. Continue to move forward as best as you can. 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

[missdad]

So sorry for your loss. It’s so hard. My dad died three months ago and it’s tough. You are not weak because you are sad and grieving. You grieve for your dad because you loved him. There is nothing weak about that. You are also not doing anything wrong. Grief does not come with a rule book. We just get through it one hour at a time.

As for your boyfriend, some people cannot handle grief. It’s just how they are. My husband is a good guy and is trying to be there, but seems to say insensitive things unintentionally. Have you considered a grief support group or grief classes? It can be helpful to talk to others who are dealing with the same thing. The one I went to was part class, part support. Not every aspect was useful, but sometime someone would say something that helped or just seem to “get it” more than my friends or family. Posting here may also be helpful as well as reading grief books.