Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

9 Months


StevenKelly

Recommended Posts

  • Members
StevenKelly

It's been a while since I posted but I felt I needed to come back and write because there is no avenue that I care about to figure out how to go forward after the loss of my wife August 12th 2016. Emotionally things seem to be getting worse for me which is why I felt I needed to come back here and write.

9 months later I think about her constantly and how much I miss her. Everyday when I'm not forced to think about other things going on I'm thinking about her. When I am forced to think about the task at hand, when I'm done It's like getting kicked by a mule because I'm instantly hit with that she is gone and never coming back. It's so hard that sometimes I'm afraid of where this will lead mentally for me like, I've definitely realized that I don't ever want to get married again, I don't even want a girlfriend but lately I have felt less and less like even talking to other people, it's physically painful just to talk. Recreating or celebrating holiday's is not going to happen, I just don't care. I've volunteered to work all of the holiday's at my job.

 

Basically it feels like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into a hole and I don't really care. I've always been in control of everything that's just not the case anymore.

 

I wish I could just go to and be with her.

 

All I have left is to just come here and write what I'm thinking. Thanks for that

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I wish I had words to help. I'm going on 6 months and my days are easier in some ways, worse in others. I too continually miss my wife and have a difficult time finding reasons to stay engaged. This place is horrible, I hate it, wish things were otherwise. I would suggest that you reach out/seek help with your deepening pain, this grief can swallow us up, sometimes without us realizing what's happened. I have a daughter and parents that keep me occupied with responsibilities and obligations, so for myself I do have a role to play. I know for many though, that's not their reality, some are alone with all of this. 

Find a group or professional to help, even though you may not find it worthwhile to bother, please do. We may not see now, but you're still here, for whatever reason, so hang in there. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you. 

Peace and strength, 

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Stephen kelly, andy, its been 7months since my loss and theres not a second goes by when i dont think about him, it torments me, it angers me and im just numb, im not the person i used to be, il never be that person, my loss as hardened me, i dont like myself without him but i have no choice in living the rest of my life with myself, i miss our life together so much, we had everything and then wham a tragic stupid accident leaves me with this life, i like you stephen am scared where this loss is taking me mentally, some days i function but most are a constant struggle, i just want to get away from the sheer exhaustion of this grief and feel some happiness and joy again but i know that will never happen, life as been too cruel to us all, sorry i avnt got any uplifting words for you, i hope i wake up in the morning  and have a bettee state of  mind and i hope same for you too, take care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, Meesh said:

Stephen kelly, andy, its been 7months since my loss and theres not a second goes by when i dont think about him, it torments me, it angers me and im just numb, im not the person i used to be, il never be that person, my loss as hardened me, i dont like myself without him but i have no choice in living the rest of my life with myself, i miss our life together so much, we had everything and then wham a tragic stupid accident leaves me with this life, i like you stephen am scared where this loss is taking me mentally, some days i function but most are a constant struggle, i just want to get away from the sheer exhaustion of this grief and feel some happiness and joy again but i know that will never happen, life as been too cruel to us all, sorry i avnt got any uplifting words for you, i hope i wake up in the morning  and have a bettee state of  mind and i hope same for you too, take care.

Yeah, I get that. All of it. Today is a bad one. Feeling terrible. You mention the sheer exhaustion, my God do I know that one. Sometimes I feel like this fatigue is slowly eating me alive. I don't rest, my sleep is all over the place, my mind races. And hoping for happiness? Yes, doing that, been doing that. Still waiting. I go, I look, I strive but I can't quite find it. I'm getting frustrated. Why is this happening? Nothing I do makes a difference. I'll keep trying, getting up, moving forward, but I need an island, a sign of life from within and without. 

The loneliness is staggering. The emptiness is vast and covers everything now, every single thing has been tainted by this grief. It's like a cold shadow, no light or warmth anymore, just a paleness where color used to be. 

Meesh, let's hang on, yes? I know you're out there, I'm out here, we all are in this place, let's keep each other going, shall we? What have we to lose? Here's to us, all of us, our beloveds and to happiness, may we find it again. 

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Yes, please see a professional grief counselor to help you get out of this hole.  I understand your feeling this way, but it's going to be important for you to find a way out of it, that's too hard to live the rest of your life like that.  I'm glad you came back here, that's a start, we can all feel it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
9 hours ago, Andy said:

 

Meesh, let's hang on, yes? I know you're out there, I'm out here, we all are in this place, let's keep each other going, shall we? What have we to lose? Here's to us, all of us, our beloveds and to happiness, may we find it again. 

Andy

Thanks andy, i hope we all find some happiness, we all deserve it after going through this awful, gut wrenching pain, heres to us all ! 

Kay c, ive been thinking more and more lately about counselling, the thought seems a bit daunting for me as everything seems daunting even the silly little day to day things i struggle to do, i used to be a confident, get things done sort of person, but now im like a lost baby kitten waiting for someone to pick me up and look after me, but no one is gonna so i will do it for myself, i must do it for myself, the counsellor is going to have a lot to do with my muddled mind, i will be a challenge for them, Thankyou both for kind words x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
15 hours ago, StevenKelly said:

It's been a while since I posted but I felt I needed to come back and write because there is no avenue that I care about to figure out how to go forward after the loss of my wife August 12th 2016. Emotionally things seem to be getting worse for me which is why I felt I needed to come back here and write.

Hi Steven, I must say I was very surprised to see a post from you yesterday. I've thought about you many times over the past 9 months. Yours was the first story I read when I found this site last September. It was your post that prompted me to tell my story. 

When I saw your post yesterday, I went back and read my original post. I remember the overwhelming, unbearable anguish I felt that night. How alone I felt. The responses I received (your included) helped me feel less alone. 

I'm sorry that I have no words of wisdom or comfort for you since I have pretty much given up on life myself. I just wanted to let you know that I'd thought of you often and that you're not alone. 

Sandy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Steven, Thank you for reaching out and sharing what you are thinking, feeling. My heart breaks for you and hope is NOT lost because you found it in yourself to do this. I do agree with the others in that maybe you should seek out some professional help. Maybe at least a local support group for a start. Actively interacting with others who understand your pain can be beneficial. Also, a reason to get out among people. It is important not to stay too isolated.

I've been learning things the hard way for myself. It has been 9 months + 3 weeks, since I lost my husband. He is on my mind constantly and I miss him every second. It has been a long, lonely road and will continue to be. To be honest, a small part of me still thinks that at any time he will come in the door and we can continue our life.

I have no secret words of wisdom for you, Steven. You have to keep trying. Keep trying for yourself and for your wife. Look at things from her perspective. You knew her best. Would she want you to stay miserable, unhappy, letting life pass you by? Or, what would you really, honestly, wish for her if she were the one here and you were the one gone? I asked those same questions for myself. My husband enjoyed life. He was wired for being productive and giving his life its best shot. I have to try my best at doing the same. We really have no choice but to keep carrying on. The manner in which we choose, either stay miserable or try to live a life our partners would be proud of us for, is up to us.

I know and understand how painful life is now, for you, me, and everyone on this forum and for all those out there in the world not on a forum. We are all traveling the same journey, just taking individual paths. Our path will be what we make of it.  Keep reading the posts here and join in when you feel up to it. We all worry about each other here and I have thought of you often, wondering how you are doing. You have made it this far, Steven, you can do this! We all have faith in each other here that we will survive and learn to co-exist with missing our loved ones.   (HUGS)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Meesh, Hang in there. I do so hope you make an effort with seeking counseling. It might be what you need to better help in managing your coping skills. You have nothing to lose with giving it a try and so much to gain if you find it works for you. My prayers and thoughts are with you.  (HUGS)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
StevenKelly

Thanks everyone for thinking of me. Meesh you described it well.

I'm done seeking out professional help. I actually take great comfort in isolating myself as much as possible everyday. It's physically painful to interact with people.

I've gone from it being painful to think about to intense panic attacks at the thought of her being dead, I would hate to be around people when that happens.

I didn't realize how much a part of each other we really were until a few months ago when losing that part of me really sank in.

She was only 51 and the medical examiner couldn't figure out why she died. He wrote undetermined natural causes on the death certificate which makes this even more difficult, she was taken from me for no reason. I'm fighting with so many different reasons why in my head.

We were together almost 26 years and had so much more life left together. Every time we entered the same room she told me that she loved me and I would tell her back.

I'm sitting here writing this listening to the clocks tick. That's the way I want it...............by myself.

Coming here and writing is all I can do. It's like a cave where I hear echoes except the echoes are other people. That's all I can do. It's still like being alone which is the way it has to be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hello Steven. All of us can identify with your post. When things worsen after the six month mark, physicians become concerned about persistent complex bereavement disorder. There are limits to what therapists, groups, supportive posts, and psychologists can do. Sometimes grief can cause a change in brain chemicals, and only a physician, usually a psychiatrist specifically trained in the field, is the only professional that can really assist. 

Adjusting to enjoying being alone can be a good thing. 

I wish you the very best. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Meesh,

I'm glad to hear you're going to try.  No one can help us but ourselves.  They can point the way, give us information, but ultimately, its we ourselves who are left alone with our grief that must decide how best to handle it and make our way through this.

Steven,

I hope in coming here you find what you need, it helps to be able to write out how we're feeling, and to know we are not alone in how we're feeling.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi StevenKelly,

I'm so very sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband Matthew only 9 days after you lost your wife. I seem to be in the same place as you - my depression is worsening and I'm feeling more hopeless than I did previously. I realize that it's probably because the shock has really worn off - Matthew died suddenly at the age of 48 and it was, needless to say, quite traumatic. I've been seeing a grief therapist since late September and am also attending a support group. While both have been helpful, I still can't see any future. I have nothing to add, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.  

Kim (aka Ladyboyd)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
bradley1985
On 6/10/2017 at 3:04 PM, StevenKelly said:

9 months later I think about her constantly and how much I miss her. Everyday when I'm not forced to think about other things going on I'm thinking about her. When I am forced to think about the task at hand, when I'm done It's like getting kicked by a mule because I'm instantly hit with that she is gone and never coming back. It's so hard that sometimes I'm afraid of where this will lead mentally for me like, I've definitely realized that I don't ever want to get married again, I don't even want a girlfriend but lately I have felt less and less like even talking to other people, it's physically painful just to talk. Recreating or celebrating holiday's is not going to happen, I just don't care. I've volunteered to work all of the holiday's at my job.

Meesh,  I am in my seventh month and feeling the downward curve.  I am able to speak with more people and even make some friends but the grayness of the world at large is getting more gray.  I have professional help.  I have grief groups and small support network, albeit growing smaller as I think most people dont want to hear me talk about my wife.  I never dreamed it was possible to miss a human being so much.  Sometimes its not even the fact that I miss her.  It is the fact she died.   I feel incredibly sorry for her sometimes and while people tell me she would want me to go on living I want to ask them "how do you know?" or "Did you get a message from her saying so?"  Frankly, I also disagree with people.  If the roles were reversed and my wife was in this kind of pain and I was having a jolly time in heaven I think I would say "come on up!"  Why would I plead with her to stay in pain?  Makes no sense to me.

I dont want to do any holidays either.  I have even ask the girl that works for me to work on Sundays instead of some days during the week because I cant face Sundays alone.  

Simply put I do not have a life worth living from my perspective.  I dont enjoy anything and when my attention is on another task whereby I am not thinking about her as soon as the task is complete my mind auto reverts right back to her and the fact she is never coming home.  I told my therapist that my language school class is the ony break from grief I get.  She says its a life enhancement.  I am pretty sure she does not understand how focused our minds are on the lost loved one.   I am pretty sure nobody understands except people who have gone through it.  I too wrestle with wanting to leave this world on the first flight out, sometimes hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute.  Catch 22 is this is making very hard to form relationships or even keep the ones I have as I have to basically lie because nobody wants to talk to someone who is consistently in pain and cant stop thinking about their dead wife.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Bradley,

People would be amazed if they knew how much our late spouse in on our mind, it seems to me it's 24/7, they're just never far from our thoughts.  I never would have dreamed it'd be like this, there's no way to anticipate how deeply it affects us until we go through it ourselves.  I mean, we knew they were everything to us, but as to how it is to live without your everything, that's a whole new ballgame!  To say it is a struggle to learn to do this life without them is a huge understatement.  The hope for me comes when I have a glimmer of joy in my life, no matter how small, no matter how fleeting.  I've learned to appreciate whatever good comes my way.

Seven months, that's still so fresh into this, it's no wonder you're feeling as you are.  They say around six months is when reality sets in, it could be more, it could be less, but I guess it's around then you realize they aren't coming back, you won't hear their voice when the phone rings, when the door opens it won't be them walking through.  That's hard hitting.  It takes way longer for it to sink in, let alone process it.  It took me a good three years just to process it, many more years to try to build a life for myself I could live.  And it's nothing like my life "before".  I've had to quit comparing, it doesn't help.  Now it's just getting by and trying to find any enjoyment along the way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
bradley1985
14 hours ago, KayC said:

 They say around six months is when reality sets in, it could be more, it could be less, but I guess it's around then you realize they aren't coming back, you won't hear their voice when the phone rings, when the door opens it won't be them walking through.  That's hard hitting.  It takes way longer for it to sink in, let alone process it.  It took me a good three years just to process it, many more years to try to build a life for myself I could live.  And it's nothing like my life "before".  I've had to quit comparing, it doesn't help.  Now it's just getting by and trying to find any enjoyment along the way.

Thank you KayC.  I never had much of a life prior to my wife so I really appreciate that you used the word "build" as opposed to "rebuild" or recover.  When people say "recover" I think "recover to what?".  I have nothing prior to my wife to recover too.  All my mind does is think about her and not just her but the life we had.  And would have had.  It feels like god signed me up for everything I never wanted. And to be honest I have never really found much joy in anything outside of seeing my wife laugh and joke.  Prior to that my life was just a drug/drunken nothingness.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I'm not sure we "recover", it's not like a cold we "get over".  I know words are semantics but I've learned they're really powerful and it DOES seem to matter what word we use or don't use!  I've also learned (from here) that what seems acceptable usage to some is not to someone else, all depending on our perspective and how it hits us.

13 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

Prior to that my life was just a drug/drunken nothingness.

Try not to go back to that.  I like to take with me what I've learned from George, from our having been together in each other's lives, I wouldn't want it to count for nothing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 6/14/2017 at 4:41 AM, bradley1985 said:

Meesh,  I am in my seventh month and feeling the downward curve.  I am able to speak with more people and even make some friends but the grayness of the world at large is getting more gray.  I have professional help.  I have grief groups and small support network, albeit growing smaller as I think most people dont want to hear me talk about my wife.  I never dreamed it was possible to miss a human being so much.  Sometimes its not even the fact that I miss her.  It is the fact she died.   I feel incredibly sorry for her sometimes and while people tell me she would want me to go on living I want to ask them "how do you know?" or "Did you get a message from her saying so?"  Frankly, I also disagree with people.  If the roles were reversed and my wife was in this kind of pain and I was having a jolly time in heaven I think I would say "come on up!"  Why would I plead with her to stay in pain?  Makes no sense to me.

I dont want to do any holidays either.  I have even ask the girl that works for me to work on Sundays instead of some days during the week because I cant face Sundays alone.  

Simply put I do not have a life worth living from my perspective.  I dont enjoy anything and when my attention is on another task whereby I am not thinking about her as soon as the task is complete my mind auto reverts right back to her and the fact she is never coming home.  I told my therapist that my language school class is the ony break from grief I get.  She says its a life enhancement.  I am pretty sure she does not understand how focused our minds are on the lost loved one.   I am pretty sure nobody understands except people who have gone through it.  I too wrestle with wanting to leave this world on the first flight out, sometimes hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute.  Catch 22 is this is making very hard to form relationships or even keep the ones I have as I have to basically lie because nobody wants to talk to someone who is consistently in pain and cant stop thinking about their dead wife.

This describes my every day. I am constantly thinking about my Lily. When at work, I get caught up on a task, but as soon as I'm done with it, my thoughts return to her. I feel sad and lonely and I feel pain for the pain she endured and that she is no longer her. It hurts me to think about what she was going through her mind and knowing she wanted to fight and live a long life, it hurts to think that she may not have made peace with what was to be. I still keep asking God to bring her back to me. Crazy, I know, but I can't help it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
bradley1985
On 6/15/2017 at 4:33 PM, Lulu said:

I feel sad and lonely and I feel pain for the pain she endured and that she is no longer her. It hurts me to think about what she was going through her mind and knowing she wanted to fight and live a long life, it hurts to think that she may not have made peace with what was to be.

I stayed at my Dad's house while in the USA for 6 weeks or so and every time the automatic garage door would close it would be totally dark in the garage and every time the door shut I thought about this.  I would wait for the door to totally shut and it be dark before I would go in the house.  I still think about it every day.  I wonder what it would be like for me.  How scared would I be?  There is a part of me that says if she endured it I can too.  After all everyone has to endure this sooner or later.  But the unexpectedness of her young age makes me just gut wrenching sick.  We were not prepared for this event.  Or at least I wasnt for sure.  I dont think she was either since she was trying on swimsuits a few hours before.  I have decided I want to go quickly and swiftly without prior knowledge.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
StevenKelly

Thanks to everyone who replied. I just wanted to let you know I've read everything.

 

Bradley, I too was nothing before I met my wife, she mostly made me who I am today that's why losing her was losing a huge part of me as well.

I've lost the person I loved more than anything on earth and my identity. It all just seems to hard to overcome.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
18 hours ago, StevenKelly said:

I too was nothing before I met my wife, she mostly made me who I am today

That is such a sweet tribute to your wife and to what the two of you had together.

You are right, we do lose our identity.  I remember feeling that and it felt like I was cut adrift.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

StevenKelly, I know the pain, loneliness, emptiness, you are feeling. I'm still dealing with it all myself. Maybe in time, you can find that person inside of you that your wife helped you become and carry that legacy on for her. She wouldn't want you to lose that part of yourself that she helped to create. She gave you those components for a reason, so that you could be capable of carrying on.   (HUGS)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 6/14/2017 at 2:41 AM, bradley1985 said:

I feel incredibly sorry for her sometimes and while people tell me she would want me to go on living I want to ask them "how do you know?" or "Did you get a message from her saying so?"  Frankly, I also disagree with people.  If the roles were reversed and my wife was in this kind of pain and I was having a jolly time in heaven I think I would say "come on up!"  Why would I plead with her to stay in pain?  Makes no sense to me.

Thanks HPB for bringing this thread up to the top.  This is a perspective I hadn't considered.

If the situation were reversed, I would definitely want my beloved to be able to find joy in life again.  If I saw that he couldn't, and I suspect that would probably be the case, then I wouldn't want him to keep suffering.  But I also wouldn't want him to leave our girls alone just yet.  That is one of the only things keeping me going right now:  I don't want to disappoint him.  Also, and maybe this is dumb, there are too many things that need to be handled (making sure his modicum of life insurance is paid out properly; putting the house and savings account into a trust; writing a new will and medical POA; arranging home repairs and upgrades) so that, no matter what, our daughter will have less worry when my time comes.  I've said to my love many times, "I miss you soooo much.  Once I get all of this handled, I need you to come and get me, okay?"

What he would truly want for me is something to ponder that I hadn't thought of before.  I remember the very last time he reached up to touch my cheek, stroke my hair, and squeeze my hand, the look in his eyes that said he didn't want to leave me and felt he had failed us.  All I could think was that I had failed him.  I had given him a mantra that I repeated back to him:  None of this had been his fault.  I pray that he knew I meant it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

@foreverhis - I also feel like I failed Bob - that I couldn't save him. I save all of these dogs and cats in Mexico, but couldn't save my own husband? He was pretty weak the last week or two before he went up and he would tell me that he was sorry - I kept telling him that he had NOTHING to be sorry for, that he had given me the BEST life that a woman could ever imagine, like something out of a fairy tale. The only way that I can find any comfort when I think about failing him is to not allow myself to second guess and go into what ifs or should haves - those aren't going to solve anything for anyone - and know that I did the best I could and tried as hard as I could. I know that he didn't want to leave me any more than I wanted him to go and that this is hurting him just as much as it is hurting me, for us to be apart. I am learning to love in separation. It's not easy but it has been helping me to get through the really hard, tough times. 

Hoping that you can all find some peace in your love and let it carry you along.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
18 hours ago, HPB said:

What "bradley1985" stated, was the very first thing coming to my mind, when I hear all people singing the choral of "she want's you to be happy, she want's you to find this and that." How do these people know?

We are the ones who knew them best, if anyone would know what they would want or think, it would be us.  The fact is, no one asked what he wanted or what I wanted, life, or in this case, death, just happened.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 12/29/2018 at 12:36 PM, HPB said:

Saying "he/she is in a better place now" is a similar stereotype.

That one ranks right up there with "At least he's not in pain now."  I feel like saying, "Well, duh.  I never wanted him to be in pain. Is that supposed to make losing him okay somehow?"  I don't, of course, because I know it's meant to help.  I don't feel the need to correct people or tell them they have no idea what this is like.  The fact is that we don't know exactly where they are or how they feel.  All I can know for sure is how I feel.  KayC is so right that we are the ones who've known them best, so we are the ones who might be able to say what they would want for us.

I know he wouldn't ever want me to have this horrible grief and unbearable pain.  I wouldn't have wanted that for him.  The thing is that he knows me well enough to know that losing him was the only thing that could break me and leave me where I am now.  I think that was one of the ways he felt he failed me:  Leaving me alone without him here to comfort me.

He knew that I meant it when I told him he was everything to me.  For more than 3 decades, we took care of each other.  Even when we annoyed the crap out of each other, our love, commitment, and connection was always there.  I'm sure all of us in long marriages or relationship have had those moments of, "What was I thinking?" because we are all imperfect human beings.  But I was never sorry, not once, that I married him.  He's the only one who could truly understand me and know what life is like for me now.

Would he want me to try to be happy?  Of course.  Would he know how impossible that seems?  Of course.  No one else can tell us what our loves want for us.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

"Learning to love in separation" I think should read more like continuing to love despite separation. That's just my take on it.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

And, would he want me to keep living and be happy? Yes, of course he would. But would he understand the pain and the devastation and the pain? Yes, of course he would! And would he understand that I don't want to be here without him? Yes, of course he would. And if I had gone before him, I am pretty sure that I know what he would have done and how he would have suffered. All very well to tryto be positive but....depends what you have to be positive about doesn't it?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
22 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Would he know how impossible that seems?  Of course

When my beloved Tom knew he was not going to survive, he looked at me and said "I am so sorry, my love - I have the easy part, all I have to do is close my eyes. You have the hard part and for that I am incredibly sad"  Of course they knew...when someone is a true soulmate, he/she knows...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
2 hours ago, BetsyD said:

When my beloved Tom knew he was not going to survive, he looked at me and said "I am so sorry, my love - I have the easy part, all I have to do is close my eyes. You have the hard part and for that I am incredibly sad"  Of course they knew...when someone is a true soulmate, he/she knows...

So true.  I had to give my love a mantra.  I made him say "None of this is my fault" because he apologized to me many times, especially at the beginning, for "getting so sick."  His last day as I sat with him playing our favorite music, stroking his hair or arm or hands, I told him that none of it had ever been his fault.  He was on comfort care and pretty much out of it the last few hours.  But I kept talking because I needed him to take that with him, to know deep down that he had not failed me, and that I would love him forever.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

You were given a gift, the gift of knowing he cared that you were going to go through this hard place and be alone.  I'm sure my husband felt those same thoughts at the end but didn't get to convey them to me, his death too sudden, and the hospital made me leave when he was dying.  We had the best in husbands, didn't we.  Our thoughts were always of each other.  You were wonderful to assure him this was not his fault.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
7 hours ago, KayC said:

We had the best in husbands, didn't we.

Indeed we did.  That is a gift we should never forget, no matter how painful things are now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I have heard people say they regret their relationship because it hurts so much now...not me, I am most thankful for every moment I had with him, we were lucky to have found each other, it was too uncanny to be coincidence, I have to believe a higher being hand His hand in it, the greatest blessing in my life!  This is a small price to pay for the greatest love that ever was!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
2 hours ago, KayC said:

I have heard people say they regret their relationship because it hurts so much now...not me

Me either.  Even knowing that I'd be where I am now, I would still have jumped in heart first when he finally asked me out.  We'd known each other casually through friends for nearly 2 years and had been more friendly over the several months before I basically hit him over the head with "Hey, idiot boy!  I've had a crush on you for a year.  Wake up."  Well, not really like that, but sort of.  See, I was moving and he volunteered to help.  That day, he was sick with what's called the "camp flu" in theater circles.  So I sent him home early to rest before the show that night; he was the conductor and sort of needed to be there.  I was making dinner for everyone before we headed off for the theater and told him I'd make dinner for him "some time."  The following Wednesday, he called and asked if I'd like to spend the day in the city on Saturday and then make him that dinner before the show that night.  Of course, I said yes.  We spent the day together and never looked back.

I would do it all again.  In fact, if I had that do over, I'd do it better.  I'd be kinder, more loving, more understanding, and just more of what's good.  Alas, we only get one go around in this life and we are all flawed human beings.  But the love was always there from that very first day.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I love your story of how you got together, it gave me a real smile!  I love hearing people's love stories, I think all of us here have one, even those who were in less than perfect relationships...we smile as we remember what brought us together and how it came about.

I feel as you do. George didn't know how to handle money and I was the opposite, I could be a stickler for our budget!  He'd loan his cell phone to anyone who asked even if it went over our minutes and cost us $1/minute, as it did in those days.  I'd get onto him, but he had a soft heart and nothing changed.  Now I regret not just getting him an unlimited plan!  Still, we always understood where the other was coming from and our relationship was so good...I feel very very lucky, I miss that man so much!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
3 hours ago, KayC said:

even if it went over our minutes and cost us $1/minute

Oh, this makes me chuckle.  See, we were both pretty good with money, but he was a CPA.  (Auditor, manager for small companies, not big corporate work or personal finance--I did our taxes!)  Anyway, one time when cell phones were a newer thing, we were in Canada and I called my mom in CA to check in.  He was driving us to lunch and she started gabbing.  So I talked to her for at least 10 minutes.  Finally, he gently, but firmly, says, "You know, we're on international rates of $2 per minute..."  Oops.  "Sorry mom, I've got to go. I'm spending our lunch money on this call!"

Yes, life is full of regrets.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that he was a wonderful, but flawed, man.  I'm happy to beat myself up emotionally for every single thing I know I could have done better and for the times I know I was wrong or unkind, but I'm tending to put him on a pedestal these days.  We had some "rules" beyond the normal wedding vows.  Just a few of them, but set in stone, that we would always try (try being the operative word) to be at least as polite to each other as we were to others.  The words "please," "thank you," and "I'm sorry" were a regular part of our vocabulary.  That stupid movie line "love means never having to say you're sorry"?  Big fat raspberry to that!  Love means knowing when to say you're sorry and love means being able to forgive your soulmate for not being perfect.

Clearly you had as wonderful a husband as I did.

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I love hearing people's love stories

Me too.  When it started to become clear that he wasn't going to go home and get ready for his next treatment, I told him little things I wasn't sure I ever had.  That first phone call asking me out?  I was teaching then and tidying up my classroom at the end of the day.  A fellow teacher came in and said there was a phone call for me.  I remember absolutely everything about it.  What I was doing, what I was wearing, what the weather was like that day, what he said.  It seems almost silly.  Almost.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I couldn't agree more...love means SAYING you're sorry!  We balanced each other well and were such a good fit...again, I feel so lucky.

And isn't it funny that you remember every detail about when he first asked you out?  Just as I remember every detail about the day we first met, including what we were wearing.  We originally "met" through writing, so it was a while before we met in person.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

@KayC  Yep.  Those defining moments sear themselves into our brains.  Maybe it's more common than I thought for us to remember things like what we were wearing, where we were, etc. the first time we saw our soulmates.  I love how you "met" and then later met in person.  The two of you had already built a connection, so it's not surprising that you would keep every moment of when you saw each other in person. It's like something out of a romantic comedy really.  Come to think of it, it's very much like the movie The Shop Around the Corner or more recently the book The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society.  I think they've made a movie of the latter as well.  What a lovely story you've got to for your memories.

While I have forgotten many, many things over my life time, I will never forget specific events with my love.  The first time I saw him I was on stage during a rehearsal when my eyes drifted down to the orchestra and I saw a musician I'd never seen before.  "Who is that?" I asked myself.  Then he laughed at something another player said and it was all over for me.  His smile went all the way up to his eyes and his laugh was infectious.  Took us a while to connect because I was dating someone, he was dating someone, and both of us were "one at a time" with relationships.  Every time we were at the same event, we would end up talking and I could feel "something" click.  Finally came a time we were both unattached and working on the same show.  That first date it was like magnets coming together.  We went back to his place after the show and stayed up talking until 2 am.  It was difficult to say goodnight, even though we were going to see each other only 12 hours later at the theater.  You know what impressed me?  He did not ever push for more than I was ready for, um, physically.  He was so respectful, strong and sweet at the same time.  It's no wonder we married less than a year later:  We couldn't wait to be together in every way, forever.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

When it's an important moment, the sights, sounds, smells, all the senses get memorized in our brain along with it, that's why our recall is different for significant events than it is an ordinary day.  I may not remember what I wore last Friday, but I remember the dress I wore when I first met George...he called it my "touched by an angel" dress, for some reason it stood out to him too.

I can relate, we also had that "clicking" from the first letter, we could relate to each other, understood each other.  I considered it nothing short of a miracle!  It's never been the same with anyone else, for either of us.  And the first time he hugged me?  It was like electricity went through us.  It was just that way.  We could talk to each other for hours, look into each other's eyes, I loved his blue eyes.  Sometimes they looked green with what he was wearing.  George also was respectful of me.  Yep, I can relate to what you are saying, totally!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Oh, I can absolutely picture what your dress looked like.  It was soft and flowing, fluttering when you moved.  What a vision you would have been as your George realized he'd met his angel on earth.  Lovely.

Yes, I watched that show too, even though I'm not a religious person.  The stories were so relatable.  My husband and I do have faith in many things, so we're open to many interpretations of a higher power.  And really, who wouldn't want an angel like Andrew to come fetch them?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

@HPB  I've noticed lately how threads seem to get hijacked on this forum. Hopefully we can return to the process of how we manage grief and those that aren't interested in a concern or issue or struggle simply move on and stop the detailment.  I'm sorry this occurred. 

On ‎12‎/‎29‎/‎2018 at 3:36 PM, HPB said:

What "bradley1985" stated, was the very first thing coming to my mind, when I hear all people singing the choral of "she want's you to be happy, she want's you to find this and that." How do these people know? I guess they just repeat what they heard once before somewhere. Saying "he/she is in a better place now" is a similar stereotype.

I would think that this takes us back to the people trying to provide comfort yet are not and can't be expected to understand the intensity or the magnitude of a loss if they themselves have not experienced it.  I know in most cases the individuals intent is not to hurt. We will never have the answers to so many whys. Many people with very strong religious beliefs feel that when the soul "transcends" it know longer feels pain.  I do not feel that "heaven" is total bliss. A soul will have unfinished business in most situations. Even with my experience I pray I will know what to say and what not to say to someone who has lost a loved one.  I pray I will know what to do and what not to do. 

You cited two very common and generic responses that many people say. Many people do believe if someone has suffered that this is truth. Their reality. It may not be ours. 

Sudden death DOES NOT fit this.  So if you are speaking directly from your situation with your loss being sudden I understand what you are saying. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
33 minutes ago, HPB said:

q.e.d.

May I gently suggest that you start a new thread about a subject you want to discuss?  Be sure to tell everyone to not respond unless it is directly about your subject with no zigs or zags.  I expect everyone would honor that request.

I'm not sure why you feel the need to berate the "ladies" here, but that's fine.  I don't have particularly thin skin.  It's clear you are POd and have no patience for "tea chats" and the "talk, talk, talk" or anything that isn't directly related to a narrow subject.   Though I was under the impression that this is a place to talk about whatever.  And it seems to me that you yourself apologized recently for "threadjacking."

I promise not to respond to your threads or Sunflower2's unless it is narrowly specific to your stated subject.  But I have no time for anyone who would be so angry that he or she would insult others for veering off onto tangents of grief, so it probably won't be an issue.

Regardless, I do wish for you some bit of comfort or peace and that you continue to find coming here to be a benefit.

(And yes, I know what QED means.)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Administrators

We all process grief so differently and that processing can change for each of us as time carries on. Some of us need to share our memories, some are seeking advice, some share coping skills, and others just need to read until they feel comfortable as a part of the community. There is a place for all people in all stages of grief here.

For those seeking or sharing specific advice or questions, starting a new thread with that intent clearly stated is a good idea. This thread seems to have diverged so it is a good endpoint for it, to pick up in new threads which meet your specific needs. 

This is a place of respect and honoring of each member's journey. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

One last response on this thread, if I may.

@HPB  You posted with a bit of anger and I responded with a bit of my own.  I will try not to do that.

But if I may suggest that if/when you feel a thread is going too far afield, please write something like "I'd like to get back to the topic" or "We've gotten too far off course" or similar.  I know I will respond better to that kind of reminder.  I'd appreciate that kind of "nudge."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Sorry foreverhis, i need to d a last response also, HPB

I don't post much no more but read often, my loss happened just over 2 year ago, things are a lot better for me now.

However, my loss was a sudden death and so things can't be talked through about what you would want for each other so not a second goes by when I don't think about my loss and so I often think about what I would have wanted for him if our roles were reversed,  and without a doubt I would not want him to be unhappy in anyway,  when you are with a person who you love the thought of them being unhappy is abhorrent and so why would you want that for them, I believe that all our loved ones would want us to find peace because they loved us so much whether that be finding someone new or doing just what we want, i truly believe after what we have all been through, WE DESERVE IT ALL, and no one will tell me any different and why would you want someone you loved to carry on being sad, life is too short as we all know and my loss as left me thinking I will not waste a second and I will not listen to people's comments who do not know this loss, they know nothing about it.

I hope you find some peace and as for ladies doing 'talk talk talk',  well that's what us ladies do, we all need to do what we need to do to get through as long as we dont hurt no one in the process of course.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

And I might add, our brains are different and ladies process things in their brain by talking, so all the joking about ladies talking may have some degree of truth to it...not to bash us or think bad of us, but to accept it's how we're wired.  I'm sure there are exceptions, there usually are.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

With as many emotionally charged individuals as we so unfortunately have on this site, it is impressive that things don’t break down into confrontations more often.  With that being said, and placing no blame, or pointing any fingers, I suggest we all let this topic go unless the original author decides they would like to put it back on track.  We are all here to help and be helped by one another.  At this point I tend to think any further responses might be counterproductive to that goal, either by negative interactions, or by seeming to gang up on an individual.  Wishing us all the ability to understand and respect one another’s different approach to grief and ways of dealing with it,

Herc

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I think this is a good place to insert that I'm glad to see they've made you a moderator, your perceptions and input are always appreciated.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 1/6/2019 at 6:47 AM, Meesh said:

I will not listen to people's comments who do not know this loss, they know nothing about it.

Truer words and advice were never written.  It is that precisely that I have been working on lately.

@ModHerc  Allow me to add my congratulations as well.  And I love your picture.  Our daughter collects heart shaped things, so it makes me smile and think of her.

As you suggest, we will move on to other things.  Very perceptive to note that with the raw and highly charged emotions we all have it's surprising we all don't break down more often even here.  Thanks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.