StevenKelly

9 Months

22 posts in this topic

It's been a while since I posted but I felt I needed to come back and write because there is no avenue that I care about to figure out how to go forward after the loss of my wife August 12th 2016. Emotionally things seem to be getting worse for me which is why I felt I needed to come back here and write.

9 months later I think about her constantly and how much I miss her. Everyday when I'm not forced to think about other things going on I'm thinking about her. When I am forced to think about the task at hand, when I'm done It's like getting kicked by a mule because I'm instantly hit with that she is gone and never coming back. It's so hard that sometimes I'm afraid of where this will lead mentally for me like, I've definitely realized that I don't ever want to get married again, I don't even want a girlfriend but lately I have felt less and less like even talking to other people, it's physically painful just to talk. Recreating or celebrating holiday's is not going to happen, I just don't care. I've volunteered to work all of the holiday's at my job.

 

Basically it feels like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into a hole and I don't really care. I've always been in control of everything that's just not the case anymore.

 

I wish I could just go to and be with her.

 

All I have left is to just come here and write what I'm thinking. Thanks for that

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I wish I had words to help. I'm going on 6 months and my days are easier in some ways, worse in others. I too continually miss my wife and have a difficult time finding reasons to stay engaged. This place is horrible, I hate it, wish things were otherwise. I would suggest that you reach out/seek help with your deepening pain, this grief can swallow us up, sometimes without us realizing what's happened. I have a daughter and parents that keep me occupied with responsibilities and obligations, so for myself I do have a role to play. I know for many though, that's not their reality, some are alone with all of this. 

Find a group or professional to help, even though you may not find it worthwhile to bother, please do. We may not see now, but you're still here, for whatever reason, so hang in there. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you. 

Peace and strength, 

Andy

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Stephen kelly, andy, its been 7months since my loss and theres not a second goes by when i dont think about him, it torments me, it angers me and im just numb, im not the person i used to be, il never be that person, my loss as hardened me, i dont like myself without him but i have no choice in living the rest of my life with myself, i miss our life together so much, we had everything and then wham a tragic stupid accident leaves me with this life, i like you stephen am scared where this loss is taking me mentally, some days i function but most are a constant struggle, i just want to get away from the sheer exhaustion of this grief and feel some happiness and joy again but i know that will never happen, life as been too cruel to us all, sorry i avnt got any uplifting words for you, i hope i wake up in the morning  and have a bettee state of  mind and i hope same for you too, take care.

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1 hour ago, Meesh said:

Stephen kelly, andy, its been 7months since my loss and theres not a second goes by when i dont think about him, it torments me, it angers me and im just numb, im not the person i used to be, il never be that person, my loss as hardened me, i dont like myself without him but i have no choice in living the rest of my life with myself, i miss our life together so much, we had everything and then wham a tragic stupid accident leaves me with this life, i like you stephen am scared where this loss is taking me mentally, some days i function but most are a constant struggle, i just want to get away from the sheer exhaustion of this grief and feel some happiness and joy again but i know that will never happen, life as been too cruel to us all, sorry i avnt got any uplifting words for you, i hope i wake up in the morning  and have a bettee state of  mind and i hope same for you too, take care.

Yeah, I get that. All of it. Today is a bad one. Feeling terrible. You mention the sheer exhaustion, my God do I know that one. Sometimes I feel like this fatigue is slowly eating me alive. I don't rest, my sleep is all over the place, my mind races. And hoping for happiness? Yes, doing that, been doing that. Still waiting. I go, I look, I strive but I can't quite find it. I'm getting frustrated. Why is this happening? Nothing I do makes a difference. I'll keep trying, getting up, moving forward, but I need an island, a sign of life from within and without. 

The loneliness is staggering. The emptiness is vast and covers everything now, every single thing has been tainted by this grief. It's like a cold shadow, no light or warmth anymore, just a paleness where color used to be. 

Meesh, let's hang on, yes? I know you're out there, I'm out here, we all are in this place, let's keep each other going, shall we? What have we to lose? Here's to us, all of us, our beloveds and to happiness, may we find it again. 

Andy

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Yes, please see a professional grief counselor to help you get out of this hole.  I understand your feeling this way, but it's going to be important for you to find a way out of it, that's too hard to live the rest of your life like that.  I'm glad you came back here, that's a start, we can all feel it.

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9 hours ago, Andy said:

 

Meesh, let's hang on, yes? I know you're out there, I'm out here, we all are in this place, let's keep each other going, shall we? What have we to lose? Here's to us, all of us, our beloveds and to happiness, may we find it again. 

Andy

Thanks andy, i hope we all find some happiness, we all deserve it after going through this awful, gut wrenching pain, heres to us all ! 

Kay c, ive been thinking more and more lately about counselling, the thought seems a bit daunting for me as everything seems daunting even the silly little day to day things i struggle to do, i used to be a confident, get things done sort of person, but now im like a lost baby kitten waiting for someone to pick me up and look after me, but no one is gonna so i will do it for myself, i must do it for myself, the counsellor is going to have a lot to do with my muddled mind, i will be a challenge for them, Thankyou both for kind words x

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15 hours ago, StevenKelly said:

It's been a while since I posted but I felt I needed to come back and write because there is no avenue that I care about to figure out how to go forward after the loss of my wife August 12th 2016. Emotionally things seem to be getting worse for me which is why I felt I needed to come back here and write.

Hi Steven, I must say I was very surprised to see a post from you yesterday. I've thought about you many times over the past 9 months. Yours was the first story I read when I found this site last September. It was your post that prompted me to tell my story. 

When I saw your post yesterday, I went back and read my original post. I remember the overwhelming, unbearable anguish I felt that night. How alone I felt. The responses I received (your included) helped me feel less alone. 

I'm sorry that I have no words of wisdom or comfort for you since I have pretty much given up on life myself. I just wanted to let you know that I'd thought of you often and that you're not alone. 

Sandy

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Steven, Thank you for reaching out and sharing what you are thinking, feeling. My heart breaks for you and hope is NOT lost because you found it in yourself to do this. I do agree with the others in that maybe you should seek out some professional help. Maybe at least a local support group for a start. Actively interacting with others who understand your pain can be beneficial. Also, a reason to get out among people. It is important not to stay too isolated.

I've been learning things the hard way for myself. It has been 9 months + 3 weeks, since I lost my husband. He is on my mind constantly and I miss him every second. It has been a long, lonely road and will continue to be. To be honest, a small part of me still thinks that at any time he will come in the door and we can continue our life.

I have no secret words of wisdom for you, Steven. You have to keep trying. Keep trying for yourself and for your wife. Look at things from her perspective. You knew her best. Would she want you to stay miserable, unhappy, letting life pass you by? Or, what would you really, honestly, wish for her if she were the one here and you were the one gone? I asked those same questions for myself. My husband enjoyed life. He was wired for being productive and giving his life its best shot. I have to try my best at doing the same. We really have no choice but to keep carrying on. The manner in which we choose, either stay miserable or try to live a life our partners would be proud of us for, is up to us.

I know and understand how painful life is now, for you, me, and everyone on this forum and for all those out there in the world not on a forum. We are all traveling the same journey, just taking individual paths. Our path will be what we make of it.  Keep reading the posts here and join in when you feel up to it. We all worry about each other here and I have thought of you often, wondering how you are doing. You have made it this far, Steven, you can do this! We all have faith in each other here that we will survive and learn to co-exist with missing our loved ones.   (HUGS)

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Meesh, Hang in there. I do so hope you make an effort with seeking counseling. It might be what you need to better help in managing your coping skills. You have nothing to lose with giving it a try and so much to gain if you find it works for you. My prayers and thoughts are with you.  (HUGS)

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Thanks everyone for thinking of me. Meesh you described it well.

I'm done seeking out professional help. I actually take great comfort in isolating myself as much as possible everyday. It's physically painful to interact with people.

I've gone from it being painful to think about to intense panic attacks at the thought of her being dead, I would hate to be around people when that happens.

I didn't realize how much a part of each other we really were until a few months ago when losing that part of me really sank in.

She was only 51 and the medical examiner couldn't figure out why she died. He wrote undetermined natural causes on the death certificate which makes this even more difficult, she was taken from me for no reason. I'm fighting with so many different reasons why in my head.

We were together almost 26 years and had so much more life left together. Every time we entered the same room she told me that she loved me and I would tell her back.

I'm sitting here writing this listening to the clocks tick. That's the way I want it...............by myself.

Coming here and writing is all I can do. It's like a cave where I hear echoes except the echoes are other people. That's all I can do. It's still like being alone which is the way it has to be.

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Hello Steven. All of us can identify with your post. When things worsen after the six month mark, physicians become concerned about persistent complex bereavement disorder. There are limits to what therapists, groups, supportive posts, and psychologists can do. Sometimes grief can cause a change in brain chemicals, and only a physician, usually a psychiatrist specifically trained in the field, is the only professional that can really assist. 

Adjusting to enjoying being alone can be a good thing. 

I wish you the very best. 

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Meesh,

I'm glad to hear you're going to try.  No one can help us but ourselves.  They can point the way, give us information, but ultimately, its we ourselves who are left alone with our grief that must decide how best to handle it and make our way through this.

Steven,

I hope in coming here you find what you need, it helps to be able to write out how we're feeling, and to know we are not alone in how we're feeling.

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Hi StevenKelly,

I'm so very sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband Matthew only 9 days after you lost your wife. I seem to be in the same place as you - my depression is worsening and I'm feeling more hopeless than I did previously. I realize that it's probably because the shock has really worn off - Matthew died suddenly at the age of 48 and it was, needless to say, quite traumatic. I've been seeing a grief therapist since late September and am also attending a support group. While both have been helpful, I still can't see any future. I have nothing to add, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.  

Kim (aka Ladyboyd)

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On 6/10/2017 at 3:04 PM, StevenKelly said:

9 months later I think about her constantly and how much I miss her. Everyday when I'm not forced to think about other things going on I'm thinking about her. When I am forced to think about the task at hand, when I'm done It's like getting kicked by a mule because I'm instantly hit with that she is gone and never coming back. It's so hard that sometimes I'm afraid of where this will lead mentally for me like, I've definitely realized that I don't ever want to get married again, I don't even want a girlfriend but lately I have felt less and less like even talking to other people, it's physically painful just to talk. Recreating or celebrating holiday's is not going to happen, I just don't care. I've volunteered to work all of the holiday's at my job.

Meesh,  I am in my seventh month and feeling the downward curve.  I am able to speak with more people and even make some friends but the grayness of the world at large is getting more gray.  I have professional help.  I have grief groups and small support network, albeit growing smaller as I think most people dont want to hear me talk about my wife.  I never dreamed it was possible to miss a human being so much.  Sometimes its not even the fact that I miss her.  It is the fact she died.   I feel incredibly sorry for her sometimes and while people tell me she would want me to go on living I want to ask them "how do you know?" or "Did you get a message from her saying so?"  Frankly, I also disagree with people.  If the roles were reversed and my wife was in this kind of pain and I was having a jolly time in heaven I think I would say "come on up!"  Why would I plead with her to stay in pain?  Makes no sense to me.

I dont want to do any holidays either.  I have even ask the girl that works for me to work on Sundays instead of some days during the week because I cant face Sundays alone.  

Simply put I do not have a life worth living from my perspective.  I dont enjoy anything and when my attention is on another task whereby I am not thinking about her as soon as the task is complete my mind auto reverts right back to her and the fact she is never coming home.  I told my therapist that my language school class is the ony break from grief I get.  She says its a life enhancement.  I am pretty sure she does not understand how focused our minds are on the lost loved one.   I am pretty sure nobody understands except people who have gone through it.  I too wrestle with wanting to leave this world on the first flight out, sometimes hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute.  Catch 22 is this is making very hard to form relationships or even keep the ones I have as I have to basically lie because nobody wants to talk to someone who is consistently in pain and cant stop thinking about their dead wife.

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Bradley,

People would be amazed if they knew how much our late spouse in on our mind, it seems to me it's 24/7, they're just never far from our thoughts.  I never would have dreamed it'd be like this, there's no way to anticipate how deeply it affects us until we go through it ourselves.  I mean, we knew they were everything to us, but as to how it is to live without your everything, that's a whole new ballgame!  To say it is a struggle to learn to do this life without them is a huge understatement.  The hope for me comes when I have a glimmer of joy in my life, no matter how small, no matter how fleeting.  I've learned to appreciate whatever good comes my way.

Seven months, that's still so fresh into this, it's no wonder you're feeling as you are.  They say around six months is when reality sets in, it could be more, it could be less, but I guess it's around then you realize they aren't coming back, you won't hear their voice when the phone rings, when the door opens it won't be them walking through.  That's hard hitting.  It takes way longer for it to sink in, let alone process it.  It took me a good three years just to process it, many more years to try to build a life for myself I could live.  And it's nothing like my life "before".  I've had to quit comparing, it doesn't help.  Now it's just getting by and trying to find any enjoyment along the way.

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14 hours ago, KayC said:

 They say around six months is when reality sets in, it could be more, it could be less, but I guess it's around then you realize they aren't coming back, you won't hear their voice when the phone rings, when the door opens it won't be them walking through.  That's hard hitting.  It takes way longer for it to sink in, let alone process it.  It took me a good three years just to process it, many more years to try to build a life for myself I could live.  And it's nothing like my life "before".  I've had to quit comparing, it doesn't help.  Now it's just getting by and trying to find any enjoyment along the way.

Thank you KayC.  I never had much of a life prior to my wife so I really appreciate that you used the word "build" as opposed to "rebuild" or recover.  When people say "recover" I think "recover to what?".  I have nothing prior to my wife to recover too.  All my mind does is think about her and not just her but the life we had.  And would have had.  It feels like god signed me up for everything I never wanted. And to be honest I have never really found much joy in anything outside of seeing my wife laugh and joke.  Prior to that my life was just a drug/drunken nothingness.

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I'm not sure we "recover", it's not like a cold we "get over".  I know words are semantics but I've learned they're really powerful and it DOES seem to matter what word we use or don't use!  I've also learned (from here) that what seems acceptable usage to some is not to someone else, all depending on our perspective and how it hits us.

13 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

Prior to that my life was just a drug/drunken nothingness.

Try not to go back to that.  I like to take with me what I've learned from George, from our having been together in each other's lives, I wouldn't want it to count for nothing.

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On 6/14/2017 at 4:41 AM, bradley1985 said:

Meesh,  I am in my seventh month and feeling the downward curve.  I am able to speak with more people and even make some friends but the grayness of the world at large is getting more gray.  I have professional help.  I have grief groups and small support network, albeit growing smaller as I think most people dont want to hear me talk about my wife.  I never dreamed it was possible to miss a human being so much.  Sometimes its not even the fact that I miss her.  It is the fact she died.   I feel incredibly sorry for her sometimes and while people tell me she would want me to go on living I want to ask them "how do you know?" or "Did you get a message from her saying so?"  Frankly, I also disagree with people.  If the roles were reversed and my wife was in this kind of pain and I was having a jolly time in heaven I think I would say "come on up!"  Why would I plead with her to stay in pain?  Makes no sense to me.

I dont want to do any holidays either.  I have even ask the girl that works for me to work on Sundays instead of some days during the week because I cant face Sundays alone.  

Simply put I do not have a life worth living from my perspective.  I dont enjoy anything and when my attention is on another task whereby I am not thinking about her as soon as the task is complete my mind auto reverts right back to her and the fact she is never coming home.  I told my therapist that my language school class is the ony break from grief I get.  She says its a life enhancement.  I am pretty sure she does not understand how focused our minds are on the lost loved one.   I am pretty sure nobody understands except people who have gone through it.  I too wrestle with wanting to leave this world on the first flight out, sometimes hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute.  Catch 22 is this is making very hard to form relationships or even keep the ones I have as I have to basically lie because nobody wants to talk to someone who is consistently in pain and cant stop thinking about their dead wife.

This describes my every day. I am constantly thinking about my Lily. When at work, I get caught up on a task, but as soon as I'm done with it, my thoughts return to her. I feel sad and lonely and I feel pain for the pain she endured and that she is no longer her. It hurts me to think about what she was going through her mind and knowing she wanted to fight and live a long life, it hurts to think that she may not have made peace with what was to be. I still keep asking God to bring her back to me. Crazy, I know, but I can't help it.

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On 6/15/2017 at 4:33 PM, Lulu said:

I feel sad and lonely and I feel pain for the pain she endured and that she is no longer her. It hurts me to think about what she was going through her mind and knowing she wanted to fight and live a long life, it hurts to think that she may not have made peace with what was to be.

I stayed at my Dad's house while in the USA for 6 weeks or so and every time the automatic garage door would close it would be totally dark in the garage and every time the door shut I thought about this.  I would wait for the door to totally shut and it be dark before I would go in the house.  I still think about it every day.  I wonder what it would be like for me.  How scared would I be?  There is a part of me that says if she endured it I can too.  After all everyone has to endure this sooner or later.  But the unexpectedness of her young age makes me just gut wrenching sick.  We were not prepared for this event.  Or at least I wasnt for sure.  I dont think she was either since she was trying on swimsuits a few hours before.  I have decided I want to go quickly and swiftly without prior knowledge.

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Thanks to everyone who replied. I just wanted to let you know I've read everything.

 

Bradley, I too was nothing before I met my wife, she mostly made me who I am today that's why losing her was losing a huge part of me as well.

I've lost the person I loved more than anything on earth and my identity. It all just seems to hard to overcome.

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18 hours ago, StevenKelly said:

I too was nothing before I met my wife, she mostly made me who I am today

That is such a sweet tribute to your wife and to what the two of you had together.

You are right, we do lose our identity.  I remember feeling that and it felt like I was cut adrift.

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StevenKelly, I know the pain, loneliness, emptiness, you are feeling. I'm still dealing with it all myself. Maybe in time, you can find that person inside of you that your wife helped you become and carry that legacy on for her. She wouldn't want you to lose that part of yourself that she helped to create. She gave you those components for a reason, so that you could be capable of carrying on.   (HUGS)

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