Loss of father 4 years ago can't move on

[Kimberlina711]

My father passed away 4 years ago from pancreatic cancer. I watched him deteriorate into nothing but a shell of who this strong, healthy man once was. I felt his body go from warm to cold and saw him taken away in a body bag. I was treated like trash by my family on his side. I was betrayed and belittled. Screamed at and mentally tortured by them. I was 25. Since then I've talked to countless therapists, been on medication and nothing takes away the pain and anger that I have. I used to be this beam of light and love. This carefree person who loved life and everything in it. I saw the world as beautiful in every way and saw the beauty in others as well. I was happy and my marriage flourished. After loosing my father I became this empty cold hearted person that felt betrayed by her family and betrayed by life itself that my father was taken away so young. He was 53. I've never reached out in a forum but I'm hoping I can connect with others and get some guidance on this topic. 

[reader]

Dear Kimberlina711,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I know the pain is deep. Losing a father is one of the hardest things in life to go through. I feel for you and can identify with a lot of what you are saying. I know there is no quick solution or answer to grief. And we all handle it so differently. Since my father passed away, I have tried anything and everything to help process the loss. I am grateful to the kind and supportive people here on this forum. But I have also tried counselling, joining a support group, reading websites What's Your Grief and The Grief Healing Blog, keeping myself distracted with books, movies, work. Others have suggested volunteering, adopting a pet, learning a new hobby. I try. But I still have my moments where I ruminate and dwell on everything leading up to my dad's passing.

I hope I will get to a point where maybe I will make a promise to myself and for my sake, that I will try to live a life that my father would be proud of. I am his legacy. I should try to live a life that reflects his values. I know its a lot easier said than done. But I want to honor my dad the best I can. And sometimes I talk to myself and tell myself to "stop" when I get so down on everything going on.

Please know you are not alone. And we are all here to listen and support you in anyway we can.

Thinking you. Sending you all my thoughts and prayers.