Gonethinkin

24 years down the toilet

2 posts in this topic

I'm a 48 year old father of four and I've been married to the love of my life for 20 years, together 4 years prior. I don't have time for my life's story, nor am I sure that you really want to hear it, but as of two weeks ago my life came crashing down and imnlosing it. Needless to say I was a handful, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, anger, depression and severe anxiety and through the years it's really taken it's toll on an incredible woman and even my family. In 2012 I was in a horrific accident that should have taken my life, but for some unseen reason I'm still here and now suffering more than even. Prior to the accident I was at my worst, explosive moods, sadness, extensive spending habits and horrible mood swings, but that all changed that day I fell 32 feet out of a tree to was was certain... death. After the accident I changed everything, garnered my faith in God, stopped using, became the loving, caring, compassionate person my wife longed for and very much needed, and deserves, but the more I changed, the more she did for the worse. In May of last year i'd uncovered that she was having multiple affairs with guys she'd meet online, I felt as if these affairs where my fault and forgave her and tried even harder to give her everything she'd ever wanted, but yet again, the harder i tried the further away she went. So on mother's day of this year my worst nightmare came to fruition... she served me with divorce papers, looked at me and smiled and said that this was the happiest day of her life. Now i'm a strong man, I've been through hell and back, seen things between life,  the military and the 11 years that I worked as a correctional officer in a max security prison that would kill most and nothing hurts worse than this betrayal. I'm so lost, hurt, angered and ready to die that I don't know where to turn. I just started seeking professional help, which is near impossible to find and i'm holding onto life with every last bit of strength that I can muster. I am so afraid to lose her, to live life one more day without her or spend one more day alone. I just want for some one to understand me, to care and be there for me as I would them. I'm not sure what God has in store for me but I'm holding onto this cliff with my fingertips and they're slipping...

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I am so very sorry about the situation you find yourself facing. You are a smart person to seek some professional advice. You may also want to consider joining a self help group. Many times, you will meet people going through the exact same thing. 

We all do things in our life we wish we could take back and redo. Instead, we have to accept the past and move forward.  Do you have children? Do you have other family members you can talk to? Please keep talking to people. It will help. 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

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