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BKS Love   

Feb 20, 2017 was the worst day of my life. As the days go by it is getting more difficult to cope with the loss of my boyfriend. He suffered from bipolar and we had lots of ups and down, but I never was willing to give up on him. I loved him and would stick by him for everything and anything. A couple of years ago he was very depressed and tried to commit suicide, since then there have been manic episodes, but I never felt that he wanted to take his own life. He was back in school, and seemed to be happier. He was talking about the future a lot, so I was confident that something like this would never happen. On Feb 20th I left for work that morning and everything was fine, we had plans on going to the movies that night. When I called him later on in the day to see what time he wanted to meet I could tell he had been drinking. We would get into arguments a lot about this, because I did not like him drinking because I knew it was not good for him because of the disease. I came home and I noticed the window was broken. Earlier in the day when I talked to him he had told me he wanted to jump out the window, I took this as a sarcastic remark thinking he was having a bad day. He had been doing so well that I didn't think that he was being serious. That is something I will regret forever. On my way home he went back and forth between not making sense, being angry, and being confused. He texted me and said he needed me because he didn't know what was going on with him. I wanted to help him so bad, but I was also so angry at him for drinking. In the past I have called the cops on him to force him to go to the hospital, he did not like when I did this. When I saw the window was broken I asked him about it and he started asking me if I did it. I could tell he was in a paranoid state of mind and I decided to tell him I am going to leave for a bit. I called security instead of the cops because I didn't want him to be upset, but I wanted to see if they could talk to him and get him back into a normal state of mind. When they came in the apt I followed behind them. He locked himself in the room, and we tried talking to him. When he made a comment about jumping out of the window and I heard the glass break I quickly yelled at the security guards to break our bedroom door down, but it was too late....I ran into the room and looked out the window and my love was laying outside. This has been so traumatic and heartbreaking for me. I keep thinking why did I leave him alone, why did I not call the cops, they would have been more trained for something like this. I am tortured daily with life without him, and tortured with guilt that I could have stopped this from happening. I miss him so much, it actually hurts me every second I am without him. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to cope with this. 

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Dear BKS Love,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the pain is deep. From what you have told us, I know you loved him very much and tried very hard to help him. I wish we all could control the outcome of every event in life, but we can't.  I know you did everything you could in your power to help him. I do the same thing and look back and think but I could have done something!

Please know you are not alone. And when you are ready maybe consider grief counselling or joining a support group. There are so many resources in the community and through church as well. During these very difficult times, try to be kind and gentle with yourself and try to look for additional supports.

Sending you love and hugs.

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