Lost my boyfriend at 21yo

[blg1995]

Sorry, this is really long, so I appreciate if no one reads it all. I just had a lot to share.

 

 I don't even know where to begin. His funeral was on Friday and ever since then it's been a lot harder so I need to vent.

I say he was my boyfriend above but it was a lot more complicated than that. We met as a casual thing 2 years ago at university. We started to mean a lot more to each other as time went on. It's hard for me to describe what we became but we only saw each other and cared about each other a lot. But it got to a point where I wanted a relationship and he just didn't. At first he wouldn't say why but eventually he told me that in his last relationship he became a different, awful person that his family and friends didn't recognise and he couldn't be my boyfriend because he didn't want me to see him like that. I never believed this, because if he wasn't like that now, why would be become that way because of a title? But I know he was just protecting me and we had a good thing that didn't need changing, because all I was really looking for was the label, which we didn't need. He was the only person I trusted. I could tell him anything at all and he would know exactly what to say, exactly what to do. Just hearing his voice calmed me down and hearing him get pissed off at something I was also pissed off at would make me feel so much better. After I graduated and moved back home I would make sure to go up and spend a weekend with him, at least once a month. I thought about him all day, every day. I loved him so, so much. 

I found out about his death whilst I was in Ibiza. I was planning to go for a whole month (which he wasn't too keen on but wanted me to enjoy myself) but found 4 days in about his death. We'd had an argument a week before I went on holiday about being in a relationship. I told him that I was upset with how things were and that if he wasn't going to change his mind then I just couldn't do it anymore. After a lengthy discussion I decided that we should just have some space and I would talk to him when I got back from Ibiza. He hated the idea of it but said he would do it for me (although he still messaged me a few days later telling me some of the grades he got from his assignments!)  

 I didn't speak to him for the week but on my first day I was in Ibiza (Monday 01/05), I was in a club and I was missing him like crazy. I went outside and phoned him and we had a talk, he mentioned that he was going to message me a few days earlier but he thought I would get angry at him. I can't even remember what most of the conversation was about but I was sobbing on the phone to him. What I do remember was the end of the call and he told me that he missed me too and that he was glad I called. He said that he would call me the next day when he was walking back from work. For the rest of the night I was sobbing uncontrollably and absolutely inconsolable because I missed him so much. 

The next morning (Tuesday) I sent a message saying I was sorry for crying on the phone to him. They sent to his phone but he never read them. 8.30pm came and went and he didn't call. I spent the day after that wondering what the hell was going on, called him again, but no answer. It wasn't like him to ignore me and if he said he was gonna call me, he would call me. 

On Thursday morning I woke up with some missed calls from his whatsapp and some calls from some random numbers. I had a message from his friend at 2am, telling me to call a number but I didn't receive it because we weren't friends on Facebook. I called Sam back and his mum answered. I knew from the moment I heard her voice what had happened. He'd been found in his room on Wednesday night/Thursday morning by his housemates. It was likely he died on Tuesday and the death was unexplained but it wasn't suspicious. 

I got back on the first flight I could that day. I spent the first day back just in my bedroom and crying, thinking about him. As that day went on I realised that I needed to talk with people that knew Sam. My parents were trying to be there for me, but they didn't know him at all so there was only so much they could say. I was scared that nobody wanted to talk to me. I knew that Sam's friends and family knew of me because he said that he would talk about me, but at the same time- I wasn't his girlfriend. I was just some girl. I hadn't met his friends or family. I was terrified of being kept out of the loop. I started off with messaging his friends and they were all lovely. I messaged his mother to see if I could see his room one last time and she said that her and his Dad wanted to meet me, along with his brother. They picked me up and we drove down to his house. The journey took about 2 hours so I got to have a really good talk with his parents and we shared some memories about him. I'd never realised how much he'd talked about me and he used to tell them how clever and funny I was. I got to look through his room and take some things to keep. We met his brother at the house. He came and hugged me and thanked me for being there for Sam. Sam told him how I used to help him with assignments, that I used to order him pizza, send him money when he was really in need of it. We had some food at a nearby cafe and they took me home. 

The week after, his parents dropped his keys at my house and I spent a few days at Sam's house,sleeping in his bedroom. It was hard but I needed to do it. I had so many memories in that room and he'd been the last person to sleep in that bed. His housemates were so lovely. We had a barbecue and Sam's best friends from Uni came. 

The period between that day and Sam's funeral was hard. I still messaged some of his friends and family but it wasn't quite the same as being with them. Again, my parents were there for me, but they didn't know him so it didn't feel like it helped. I felt really alone. We were meant to get the results back from the coroner about the cause of death after a 2 week wait, but they said they needed to do further testing so we would have to wait another 6 weeks. The waiting is so, so horrible. I have thought about what it could be, but it's impossible for me to know. 

The funeral ended up being on my 22nd birthday. At first I thought it would make it harder but for the most part I forgot it was my birthday. My friend got me a bear with a recording of his voice in it, which is the most perfect gift I could have received. The funeral was so hard. So, so hard. I was crying before it started. I was uncontrollable when his body was put into the ground. But I had the support of everyone around me so I made it through. The church was packed because he was such a sociable, kind person. The wake was nice and I got to talk to his other family and friends. His friends from Uni had to go back early and his friends from Reading all went out (although didn't invite me, which I was kind of upset about as they were Sam's best, best friends but I kind of understand). I had a LOT of wine, as did his mum and we got a bit emotional together. She used to ask him what he was doing, as I was perfect for him. It also turns out she once paid for us to go to a hotel together when we were trying to arrange to see each other over the summer and even told him to take me to the cinema (which he did). She said that she knew he loved me by the way he talked about me and called me their honorary daughter-in-law. I went back with Sam's family to his house and sleep in his room at home. It was nice but also weird because I'd never gotten to go there when he was alive, so kind of gave me another insight into his life. We went for breakfast, although the next morning I didn't really feel like myself and didn't really know what to say to his parents and feel like I may have been a bit rude. Once I was home, it just hit me and for the past couple of days has just been so painful, just constantly hurting. It hit me that he's really gone. It really feels like when he died, a part of me went with him. I feel like I'm being punished for every bad thing I've ever done in my life. He was only 21. I can't do anything but sit in my room and watch TV. When I try and do something else, I can't concentrate and I hate going outside for things unrelated to him because I still randomly cry, no matter what I'm doing or trying to focus on. I still want to spend time with his parents and his brother but I know we all need to get on with our lives and I can't see them all the time. 

I don't know what to do with myself. I need money to pay for my phone bill and have money to do SOMETHING so I'll have to get a job but I don't feel ready for work. My parents are struggling for money and I feel like I'm being lazy and put extra strain on them by not working. Everyone keeps telling me to do something fun and exciting, do something for myself, but I just don't have the money for it. They say "get your parents to fund you!" but they just can't. So I'm just trying to work out my next move and work out how I can move on from this. I know he would want me to live my life but I can't even imagine it at this point. 

If you've read this far, thank you. 

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope you understand he really did love you and you really were his GF, he just had a hangup about the title, and that was nothing to do with you, just his past experience.  You loved each other.  It is so unfair that someone so young should die.  I felt my husband was too young when he died, we met in our 40s and he died the week he turned 51, but to lose someone in their 20s, that's just wrong!  Life sure isn't fair.  

His parents sound lovely, no wonder they had such a wonderful son.  I'm sure they'd appreciate some continued contact, yes you all still have to work and live, sometimes we have to even when we don't feel like it, but death is hard hitting, and we need to grieve too.  I hope wherever you find a job, that you get great coworkers and boss and that they are understanding.  I had people tell me I should take a cruise after my husband died, ha!  I didn't have any $, our income just got cut in half and the bills were rolling in from the hospital, doctors.  But I made it through everything, with the help of my grief forum, it really does help to know there are others who're going through similar experiences that get it and understand.  Keep coming here, there'll be others along shortly to respond.   (((hugs)))

[Eagle-96]

I am so sorry you are going through the loss of your boyfriend(you don't need labels to know what he was). We are all in a club that nobody wants to be a member of but I am glad you found this site. We are here for you anytime you want to post and know some of what you are feeling. I lost my wife suddenly to a heart attack nine weeks ago at the age of 46. Sudden loss is a shock to the system and you may experience a wide range of emotions in the days and weeks to come. Sadness, regret, despair, anger, guilt, loneliness. They may come one at a time and even all at once. I don't say this to scare you but to let you know that they are natural and normal feelings. If you feel overwhelmed or just want to talk, please come here and post. We are here to listen and provide help to you without judgement. I wish you peace and comfort.

[KMB]

I am deeply sorry for your loss. It is unfair and incomprehensible when someone so young leaves this life. And you are so young to having to endure loss as well. Life just never makes sense when something goes horribly wrong.

3 hours ago, blg1995 said:

I feel like I'm being punished for every bad thing I've ever done in my life.

Trust me, you are not being punished! Scrap that thought from your mind. Grieving causes that feeling and it is one we do not need. If you have a religious faith, God is all loving and understanding. He doesn't punish us for anything. He does know our pain and suffering and brings us comfort and peace.

 

3 hours ago, blg1995 said:

do something for myself, but I just don't have the money for it.

There is no need for money to do something for yourself. Have patience with yourself and practice a lot of self care. There are many things out there that do not cost a dime to bring you peace, comfort, a smile. Walks in nature. Sitting out at night and star gazing. A shooting star might be seen as your boyfriend's way of letting you know all is well with him. Volunteering somewhere to give back to someone the love your boyfriend gave to you. I'm sure you can come up with similar ideas of free things to do when you feel up to it.

Please keep coming here and posting when you feel the need. This is a safe place to express yourself.  (HUGS)

[Francine]

I am so sorry for your loss and know the pain you are experiencing.  Just reading your post reminds me of a young love just starting to grow.   Losing someone so near and dear to us is painful but someone as young as Sam is inconceivable.   Goodbyes hurt the most when the story was not finished.  i lost the love of my life, Charles about 6 months ago and I can't convince my heart what my mind knows - he's gone.  I never knew the meaning of true heartbreak; I never knew I could be so lonely;  I never knew what true love was until i met my Charles;  I never knew my life could change so drastically; I never knew my heart could hurt this way; I never knew I'd still be here without my Charles; I never knew such deep extreme emotional pain. i never knew it was possibly to miss someone so terribly;  I never knew until God took him away.  - I miss him like crazy.

Experiencing a death so near to you will bring on a variety of emotions that may affect your head, heart, and spirit and it will take a great deal of energy and effort to heal.  You're lucky to not only have Sam's family and friends as a support group but also your mom.  I'm so happy that you created a bond with Sam's family and you got an opportunity to share your stories of him to one another - I think Sam would have liked that.  You made it through the funeral, and believe me, I know how hard that was.  You'll make it through this grief journey as well.

The love you shared for one another will always be and Sam's spirit will always be with you - you will carry it in your heart.  My prayer is that God gives you a burst of energy to tackle the tasks you need to get done; may HE fill you with such joy that you suddenly realize just how truly rich you really are.  May HE connect you with old friends and bless you with a new friends.  And may HE use you in ways to be a blessing to everyone you meet.

 

3 hours ago, blg1995 said:

but I just don't have the money for it. They say "get your parents to fund you!" but they just can't. So I'm just trying to work out my next move and work out how I can move on from this. I know he would want me to live my life but I can't even imagine it at this point. 

You appear to be a smart young lady  - not letting your parent "fund" your activities is a step in taking responsibilities for your actions.  And taking responsibilities for your actions will help you accept what is, let go of what was and have faith in what will be.

Continue to post.  There are amazing people on this forum who are willing to share their stories as well as offer you the support, the encouragement and comfort you need through this painful journey.   Stay Strong and God Bless you, bless us all.

[Ka9219]

Hi friend, I lost my boyfriend the last week, same as you I loved him, he was my world and my favorite person in the world, he made me feel like I deserve all the love (his love), and I loved him badly, we were going to get married.

All the things you said you are feeling, are an open book of my feelings as well, the sorrow, the lost, feeling like if Im left behind, I feel you, I do feel you, I dont know how to do it anymore, I feel alone, almost forsaken.

Here there is a person that feels your pain, 'cauze im going throught the same thing 

[KMB]

Ka9219, I am sorry for your heartbreak, your pain, your loss of your boyfriend and a future with him.Your love for him was great and your grieving will be deep. Please know that you are not alone here. You are among a unique family here because we do understand and feel your pain. Keep coming to this forum, reading posts and expressing yourself when you feel the need. Prayers of comfort and peace to you. (HUGS)