My mother is dying from cancer

[Ang770]

I am 47 years old, my mother is 67.  She has won 3 battles with cancer that have prolonged her life.  But the cancer is back again and my mother is too weak to fight.  She is now dying before my eyes.  I am very close with my mother.  She raised me as a single parent for many years.  I've known for a while that her death was coming but I always pushed those thoughts out of my mind.  I  can't ignore it anymore.  She is suffering and I'm scared.  I am well into grieving for what's to come, crying and sad all the time.  I spend as much time as I can with her and I am strong infront of her only to go home and fall apart.  If I feel as bad as I do now before she has died, I am scared of how I will feel when she is really gone.  Intellectually I understand what is happening, but emotionally I am a mess.  I have a family and 2 children of my own that I need to take care of (one with special needs), I am afraid of them seeing me fall apart.  What do I do?  My husband is my rock, but I don't know if it will be enough.

[reader]

Dear Ang770,

I know this is a very difficult time. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's battle with cancer. If possible, try to lean on friends and family during this time. If you want to, consider talking with a counsellor or pastor for comfort and compassion. The reality of this moment in life is very hard to accept. We all wish our parents were immortal.

Please know you are not alone. And we are here to listen and support you in anyway we can.

Sending you all my thoughts and prayers.

[Therous]

I am so sorry I just lost my mother a week ago to lung cancer. I am 34 years old she was 55. We didnt even catch her cancer until 2 months ago despite the numbers doctor visits or the fact she was in hospital for 2 months in November for pancreatitis. I have not been married or have had kids just never settled down. Mother always wanted me to and pushed it on me more than 1 time. I was really close with my mother spoke every day visited every day. I feel like I have lost a mother and a best friend at such a young age and it was so fast and unexpected. Just 5 days before she died she was fine and we were watching tv and talking together then 4 days later shes gone. Today is the first day really since the funeral that I have been able to actually sit and realize what all has just happened and I feel such and incredible loss and pain that words can not describe. I wish I had 1 more day to talk 1 more day to say stuff i didnt get a chance to say since it was so sudden and she was non coherent the time she was in hospital and hospice last couple of days. I can not see the light or anything getting better. Now I feel so alone and so much pain. Even though I know she is not in pain and a better place the selfish part of me wants her to still be here. I am balling just writing this to you. Never did I expect to lose my mom at age 34. I am thankful though that I got to spend 34 years with her and I know she would take this pain from me in a second with out thinking twice if she could. 

All i can say is you are never really ever ready no matter the age or reason why. Just please talk and enjoy the time you have with her now. Talk to her about the past good memories you both share. My prayers go out to you for what you are going to have to endure but know this... you are not alone... others are going through what you are going through all over the world.. Death is a part of life its just not fair sometimes... or robs you of time and nothing can prepare you for the pain. Only others who have gone though it can truly understand and they will become your new family. I am in for a long road ahead and struggle and only wish i can get though it. I am thankful I am a Christian and know I will see her again. Be strong for your family they will need you and you them. Remember everything will work out for the greater glory of the Creator... 

[Ang770]

Much thanks to those who responded to my posting.  Your words of support are very helpful.  I may speak with a grief counselor, but I am not sure how much that will help.  I will just have to take each day that she is still here as a blessing.  My intellectual side and emotional side of my brain are continuously "duking it out".   My mothers battles with cancer may have lasted years, but it was only the last 5 months that she has gone from "fine" to not being able to speak (throat cancer), on a feeding tube and so weak she cant stay awake.  Seeing her detereorate is beyond words.  You are right Therous, everyone will go through this at some point in their lives, as well as my children will have to deal with my death someday.   I try to put things in perspective and say to myself that this is the natural order of things, but it isn't enough to ease my heart.  I didn't grow up with religion.  I wish I did.  Faith seems to help ease the burden for many people.  I hope that I reach the other side of grief and come out of this the happy and healthy person I once was. I wish this for you too, Therous. 

[DeeNJ]

I am sorry for I know exactly what you are feeling. I lost my mother to lung cancer in October. At the very tender age of 32 I still am unable to grasp my life no longer has her. We were also very close, She was my best friend. Know you are not alone in this even though there are times you will feel you are. I am thankful that we had nothing left unsaid and the time we did together. While your Mom is here spend every second you can with her. In my thoughts and prayers. 

[LeePee86]

Hello Ang,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum, I went through the same when I was 10 years old although I didn't understand much then....

Staying strong in front of her is good, she needs you and maybe giving her the impression that you're staying strong will please her and make her feel very proud, it's understandable to be scared of how you will feel when she has gone but that's something you have to deal with once you get there unfortunately, try not to give yourself ideas on how you will feel or deal with it. 

I don't know what sort of condition your mother is in so forgive me but when you're spending time with her, remember the good times, make her laugh, seeing her smile back to you will help, trust me I've been there! My mum came home on Christmas day for a few hours and we weren't allowed to make her laugh too much because it was painful for her but she didn't care and to see her smile and laugh was one of the best feelings ever and that's memory/image that will stick with you.

Your family are there for you and together you will all get through it, Wishing you all the best.