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SJG

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It's been 2 weeks since I lost my husband to cancer. He was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer 10 months ago...a devastating blow to us as we had only been married 2 years.....we met 10 years ago in our 40's....we both said at the time fate bought us together....neither of us had been married or had children.....we met at Ballroom dancing!

We had a beautiful wedding 2 years ago...and we were both looking forward to many years together...retiring; travelling....building our home....adding a dog to our family of 2 cats!

When Andrew was diagnosed we both refused to believe the terminal diagnosis....we searched for treatment overseas and had  just returned home after Andrew's latest treatment....when he suddenly went downhill very quickly and passed away within 4 days...

He was 59....I'm still putting our wedding album together and now I had to organise my husband's funeral... 

I lost my mother 3 years ago and Andrew lost his mother last year...just prior to his diagnosis.....I'm only 56 and I can't believe I'm a widow....

We were a fun-loving; young minded couple enjoying dancing; running and our 2 cats of course.... 

I'm not working and now I'm in our home alone... I do have lots of nice friends and some family but as you all know...it not the same without your soulmate....

It would be nice just to get some replies and chat with others in the same circumstances....

Thank you

Susan

 

 

 

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I'm so sorry for your loss and know your pain too well.  I lost my husband, Charles to a sudden unexpected heart attack about 6 months and I still can't believe he's gone.  We both were retired and looking forward to our *golden* years together.   We were inseparable and had a storybook love that you don't see too often.  Don't get me wrong, no relationship is all sunshine, but we shared one umbrella (sort to speak) and survived the storms together and made it through.  We didn't have the best of everything, we tried to make the best out of everything.  He was my heart, my love, protector, best friend; worst critique; best critique, my everything; my world.  There are times when my heart hurts so bad, all I do is cry.  Other days, I feel like I'm going to explode and on those days, sadness literally consumes me; and when my heart is exploding, I wish I would too because it's just all too much and I'm feeling nothing and everything all once (if that makes any sense)

I know it is overwhelming for you, and will probably get worst before it gets better.  Expect to experience all kinds of emotions (angry, hurt, crying, rage, guilt, fear) just to name a few.  Sometimes these will follow each other within a short period of time or they may occur simultaneously.  When they come, allow them to run their course, it's a part of your healing.    All you can do is try to deal with things the best you can; I'm glad you have friends and family who care enough to support you through the toughest time in your life.   Who do you turn to when the only person in the world can stop you from crying is exactly the one making you cry - for me, it's God.  If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that are appropriate to you.  You might find comfort in finding ways to commemorate Andrew's life.  If he liked nature, perhaps planting a tree you know he would like; or if he liked music, play it while you embrace some of your favorite memories.  Or (what I did) you might want to create a memory book of photos that portrayed your life together as a couple.

You have your memories and sometimes memories are one of the best legacies that exist after losing someone so dear to you.  Treasure them that comfort you but also explore those that may have troubled you.   I think even difficult memories find healing in expression.  Don't be afraid to share those memories with others who will listen and support you.  Understand that some memories will make you laugh and/or cry.  In either case, they are a lasting part of the relationship you had with Andrew.

Whether you realize it or not, you are blessed and still are.  Andrew was put into your life and because of him, you are who you are.  He got the opportunity to love you for the rest of his life and I know you are proud to be his wife.   Stay strong because you are strong.

Continue to post; there is a reason you are on this forum at this time and day - there is a reason we all are here - to support one another - sure - but more than that - to learn from one another - lessons we to know. 

 

 

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Hello Susan, I am deeply sorry that you lost your dear husband.  Also for your other losses - you've had a lot to contend with.  What a lovely romantic way you and your hubby met.  No, nothing is the same without our soul mates. 

I'm glad you found us here where everyone understands the depth of pain created from losing a beloved partner.  Our hearts and souls are so battered and bruised.  It's a tough row to hoe.  Also pleased that you have supportive friends and family around you - they're worth their weight in gold.  Accept all the TLC they offer.  

I too now live alone and it takes a lot of adjusting to.  Initially I spent hours chatting on the phone with friends & family in the evenings.  They got me through the toughest, most painful times.  I have a very supportive daughter just an hour away, but my son lives in WA. 

Self-care whilst grieving is crucial.  I've had a very rough 72 weeks since my partner was killed and still have to make an effort to eat.  I just have no interest in food, so graze on mostly healthy snacks.  Sleeping too is difficult and I don't get much.  Soon after Gerry's death I devised a plan with neighbours and friends so that they'd know I was OK each morning, just not ready for visitors.  The plan (which is still in use) being 'kitchen venetians open but drapes still closed over entrance doors' means I've been up but gone back to bed or showering.  

Sending strength, love and hugs to a fellow kiwi X

 

 

 

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SJG,

I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here but glad you found us. I am 9 weeks from my "Oh No moment" when my wife died suddenly of a heart attack at age 46. You are likely still in that numb stage where everything seems to be viewed through a haze. This is your body's defense mechanisms kicking in to shield you from the pain. Like Francine said, there are a range of emotions that you may feel from day to day and even minute to minute(fear, despair, anger, regret, second-guessing, sorrow, depression). They can come out of nowhere and hit you when you least expect it. They can last a few minutes or a few hours. Consider it a new normal. I'm not saying that every feeling is bad. There will be moments of something close to happiness sprinkled in(Remembering the good times. Watching a favorite TV show of you husbands. Hearing a song that means a lot to you). Try to hold onto those good moments and you may even smile and laugh a little. And keep in mind that IT'S OK TO SMILE. Smiling and laughing at things that bring you joy does not mean you aren't grieving. You are not betraying your husbands memory by being happy every now and again. Reverse the situation you are in. What if you had passed and your husband were here. Wouldn't you want your husband to be happy as much as possible? And if you are uncomfortable smiling and maybe even laughing around your friends when you think of good memories of your husband, tell them about what just brought joy to your heart. Sharing those memories can be good therapy and open up new insight into the love you shared that people may not know about.

Also keep in mind that 99% of the people you interact with that know of your grief have good intentions when the speak to you. They may use cliches("He's in a better place" "Time will make it better", "You'll move on in no time") and say things that seem strange and sometimes appear to lack sympathy. They just don't understand your grief if they haven't lost a spouse. It's a simple as that. People sometimes don't know how to deal with us. They are afraid of saying the wrong things. They don't want to upset us so they may avoid the subject all together. 

Please continue to post about anything that is on your mind. Sadly, there is a wealth of knowledge, advice, or even sounding boards on here to help you on this road. I wish you nothing but peace and comfort in your journey.

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Susan,

I'm glad you found this place, it helps so much to have a safe  place to come to where you know you're heard and understood.  It took George and I a lifetime to find each other, also meeting in our 40s and marrying, we knew each other 6 1/2 years, married 3 years 8 months, he died barely 51, I was 52.  That was 12 years ago this month.  When he died, I didn't see how I could live without him, he was everything to me!  Somehow I have, it's been quite a journey of learning and adjusting...neither quick nor easy.  Without my forum to come to, I don't know how I would have made it.  

I want to encourage you to read the different threads that are here and write when you feel like it.  It helps us to know that what we are experiencing is normal and we are not crazy in our feelings.  

You've been given some great advice to start with (take cliches for what they're worth...nothing...we have to give ourselves permission to smile...it is not our grief that holds us to them, it is our love, which continues).  

You have good family and friends, that is great!  Many of us lost all our friends the day they died as  people are uncomfortable with death and this is one thing they cannot "fix" for us, so they disappear.  I was lucky, my family hung in here with me, but they cannot understand what they have not experienced, even though they care.

I am very sorry for your loss and your reason in needing to be here.  We all send you (((hugs))) and wish you the best on this journey.

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SJG, I also wish to include my condolences on the loss of your soulmate. Cancer is such an evil word and disease. You have been given many compassionate words here so I will not do any repeating. This forum became my life line after the sudden passing of my husband 9 1/2 months ago tonight. I truly do not think I could have coped without the wonderful, caring people in this grief family I have found. I am sorry for the loss of your mom and mother in law prior to your husband. Life can be so cruel and unfair. It is a miracle that we will somehow survive our losses. The hurt, loneliness, empty void, can put us flat down on the ground with the sadness, despair, and all the other emotions we experience. Prayers of comfort and peace going out to you.  (HUGS)

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17 hours ago, Francine said:

I'm so sorry for your loss and know your pain too well.  I lost my husband, Charles to a sudden unexpected heart attack about 6 months and I still can't believe he's gone.  We both were retired and looking forward to our *golden* years together.   We were inseparable and had a storybook love that you don't see too often.  Don't get me wrong, no relationship is all sunshine, but we shared one umbrella (sort to speak) and survived the storms together and made it through.  We didn't have the best of everything, we tried to make the best out of everything.  He was my heart, my love, protector, best friend; worst critique; best critique, my everything; my world.  There are times when my heart hurts so bad, all I do is cry.  Other days, I feel like I'm going to explode and on those days, sadness literally consumes me; and when my heart is exploding, I wish I would too because it's just all too much and I'm feeling nothing and everything all once (if that makes any sense)

I know it is overwhelming for you, and will probably get worst before it gets better.  Expect to experience all kinds of emotions (angry, hurt, crying, rage, guilt, fear) just to name a few.  Sometimes these will follow each other within a short period of time or they may occur simultaneously.  When they come, allow them to run their course, it's a part of your healing.    All you can do is try to deal with things the best you can; I'm glad you have friends and family who care enough to support you through the toughest time in your life.   Who do you turn to when the only person in the world can stop you from crying is exactly the one making you cry - for me, it's God.  If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that are appropriate to you.  You might find comfort in finding ways to commemorate Andrew's life.  If he liked nature, perhaps planting a tree you know he would like; or if he liked music, play it while you embrace some of your favorite memories.  Or (what I did) you might want to create a memory book of photos that portrayed your life together as a couple.

You have your memories and sometimes memories are one of the best legacies that exist after losing someone so dear to you.  Treasure them that comfort you but also explore those that may have troubled you.   I think even difficult memories find healing in expression.  Don't be afraid to share those memories with others who will listen and support you.  Understand that some memories will make you laugh and/or cry.  In either case, they are a lasting part of the relationship you had with Andrew.

Whether you realize it or not, you are blessed and still are.  Andrew was put into your life and because of him, you are who you are.  He got the opportunity to love you for the rest of his life and I know you are proud to be his wife.   Stay strong because you are strong.

Continue to post; there is a reason you are on this forum at this time and day - there is a reason we all are here - to support one another - sure - but more than that - to learn from one another - lessons we to know. 

 

 

Hi Francine

You have many words of wisdom..thank you

Please tell me what do you mean "He got to  love you for the rest of his life".....

People say to me stay strong...but why should I? I still do not understand why I have to go through this....

then I think well I'm being selfish....I'm still here but my poor Andrew had his life cut so short.

Some days I just wish I could be in heaven with him....

Did this situation I'm in...happen for a purpose??

 

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17 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

SJG,

I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here but glad you found us. I am 9 weeks from my "Oh No moment" when my wife died suddenly of a heart attack at age 46. You are likely still in that numb stage where everything seems to be viewed through a haze. This is your body's defense mechanisms kicking in to shield you from the pain. Like Francine said, there are a range of emotions that you may feel from day to day and even minute to minute(fear, despair, anger, regret, second-guessing, sorrow, depression). They can come out of nowhere and hit you when you least expect it. They can last a few minutes or a few hours. Consider it a new normal. I'm not saying that every feeling is bad. There will be moments of something close to happiness sprinkled in(Remembering the good times. Watching a favorite TV show of you husbands. Hearing a song that means a lot to you). Try to hold onto those good moments and you may even smile and laugh a little. And keep in mind that IT'S OK TO SMILE. Smiling and laughing at things that bring you joy does not mean you aren't grieving. You are not betraying your husbands memory by being happy every now and again. Reverse the situation you are in. What if you had passed and your husband were here. Wouldn't you want your husband to be happy as much as possible? And if you are uncomfortable smiling and maybe even laughing around your friends when you think of good memories of your husband, tell them about what just brought joy to your heart. Sharing those memories can be good therapy and open up new insight into the love you shared that people may not know about.

Also keep in mind that 99% of the people you interact with that know of your grief have good intentions when the speak to you. They may use cliches("He's in a better place" "Time will make it better", "You'll move on in no time") and say things that seem strange and sometimes appear to lack sympathy. They just don't understand your grief if they haven't lost a spouse. It's a simple as that. People sometimes don't know how to deal with us. They are afraid of saying the wrong things. They don't want to upset us so they may avoid the subject all together. 

Please continue to post about anything that is on your mind. Sadly, there is a wealth of knowledge, advice, or even sounding boards on here to help you on this road. I wish you nothing but peace and comfort in your journey.

Hello Eagle-96

Your wife was so young...I'm so sorry...thank you for your so kind words....

It's a long weekend here  (3 days)......we are celebrating the Queen's birthday....and I find myself alone without a husband to enjoy the things we would normally do on a long weekend....I cannot have imagined I would be in this situation 3 weeks ago......sometimes the years went by and I used to wish for some change in my life....now it seems lately all I have had is change....and for the worse!

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5 hours ago, SJG said:

Please tell me what do you mean "He got to  love you for the rest of his life".....B

People say to me stay strong...but why should I? I still do not understand why I have to go through this....

then I think well I'm being selfish....I'm still here but my poor Andrew had his life cut so short.

Some days I just wish I could be in heaven with him....

Did this situation I'm in...happen for a purpose??

Meaning he left this world loving you; and when we get to the end of our lives together, the house we had, the car we drove, the things we posessed won't matter.  What will matter is the love we shared together and that we had one another. 

 Stay strong because you are strong and you not only represent yourself, you represent Andrew.  We don't know why things happen and somethings are not for us to know.  And as hard as it is to comprehend, we must believe that in God's plan, everything is in order as it should be.  Every life is long enough and every death is timely; and as much as we wish for a longer life for ourselves and loved ones, God knows best.  While you are shaking your head in disbelief,  Andrew is lifting his hands in worship; while you are mourning his loss, Andrew is marveling with the angels at heaven; while we are questing God, Andrew is praising HIM.  When your pilgrimage on this earth is complete, you WILL be with him someday in heaven; don't rush it - everything has its time and place under the heavens.  Everything has purpose; whatever situation you find yourself in, God put you there for a reason, for a lesson and for a purpose.

You're in my prayers and thoughts.

 

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8 hours ago, SJG said:

Some days I just wish I could be in heaven with him....

Did this situation I'm in...happen for a purpose??

I think we all look forward to the day we can be with them again.  Meanwhile, we still have life to do here and it can take much time and effort to not only process their death but to find new purpose and build a life for ourselves that we can live.  First, the processing...

Did it happen for a purpose?  Some people think so, I'm not one of them.  I think stuff just happens, no rhyme or reason that I can see.  Why do some get to keep their husbands all their lives but I have to face ALL of my older age without mine!  Notice I didn't put a question mark at the end of that sentence...because I haven't heard any answers to "why", I've learned to quit asking.  Instead I ask myself "what now"?  What do I do?  That's the question, and I can't tell you how long it's taken me to work through this.  I guess the answer can be as simple as "one foot in front of the other", "one day at a time", in time, we'll figure it out.  But did it happen for a purpose?  Not that I can see.  I know some will disagree, but this is the easiest way for me to digest it.  It's hard to believe a caring God would inflict this on me like part of an orchestrated plan, it's easier for me to think of God as someone who DOES care but didn't intervene in the happenstance of life for whatever reasons I can't see or understand, and death happens to who it happens to.  Random.  That's easier for me to comprehend, not that we're singled out for this.  But I have learned a lot through this journey, that is the silver lining I suppose, that I've grown, become more compassionate, think deeper, learned to fully appreciate, don't take for granted anything about life anymore.  Still, I'd trade everything for another day with George...sigh.  But that's the human side of me...of us all.  But maybe I'm all wrong, maybe there is some master plan and I just can't understand it, I don't know.  I guess that's one we all have to work through for ourselves.

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KayC

I feel you - there's nothing I'd rather have than my Charles next to me - living our *golden* years like we had anticipated.  We'd done everything right; played by the rules; lived our lives helping others along the way; lived and believe good things happen to good people.  I'm still asking the *why* questions - haven't made it passed that yet.  I guess I'm one of those who disagree with you - and that's OK.  I think there is purpose in everything that happens under the heavens.   I think all is in God's plan and our lives are pre-destined from the beginning.  Sure, we have the ability to choose right from wrong - but I think that too is pre-destined. 

I know this is a totally different topic in its own right, so I'll digress.  What I'm saying is that I truly believe God cares; HE knows what we are going through and the pain we are experiencing.  I think we all are learning and I think that's our purpose on this journey.  Learn to love without condition; talk without bad intention; give without any reason and most of all, care for people without any expectation.

 
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I know there are some who believe everything is predestined, but I don't believe EVERYTHING falls into that category...we have choices, if EVERYTHING were predestined, what would it matter what choices we made to eat or what we do, it'd all happen like it's "predestined" to, right?  But God gave us free will, and our choices do matter, that's why we'll answer for it all someday.  I do believe He cares.  And of course He could stop some things and doesn't.  I just think there's a distinction between what He allows (like sin) and what He plans/wills.  But if you all have it figured out, don't mind me, this is just how I view things. :)

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55 minutes ago, KayC said:

I know there are some who believe everything is predestined, but I don't believe EVERYTHING falls into that category...we have choices, if EVERYTHING were predestined, what would it matter what choices we made to eat or what we do, it'd all happen like it's "predestined" to, right?  But God gave us free will, and our choices do matter, that's why we'll answer for it all someday.  I do believe He cares.  And of course He could stop some things and doesn't.  I just think there's a distinction between what He allows (like sin) and what He plans/wills.  But if you all have it figured out, don't mind me, this is just how I view things. :)

That's what I love about this forum.  We can respectfully agree to disagree and that's great.  It is not a character flaw if I don't agree with you and respecting my opinion does not take away from yours.   I think we learn in every situation, even when we disagree.  That's what I think I love about you - you keep it simple; you keep it honest and you keep it - you - never being afraid to voice your true opinions.  Thanks KayC - I really mean it.

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Hey....I'm honored to start such a philosophical discussion on the meaning of life....from my very new experience of profound grief....I do find it very comforting to believe that Andrew's passing was meant to be.....that it was predetermined ........it has helped to ease the raw pain.....

I have also felt Andrew around.....on 2 occasions .....I definitely felt his presence in the room...it's hard to describe...but  you know someone is there.....it has happened when I've been especially upset and wanting to reach out to him....knowing that he is with me every step of the way is wonderful...I can talk to him...and I know he is listening...it's just that he doesn't answer back! Of course the loneliness at night sitting by myself in our house and the absence of his physical touch is hard to bear....

I was alone for so long before I met Andrew in my mid forties.....I cannot work out why my path has put me in this situation again.....I never ever thought I would be a widow at 56....

I can apply for the widow's benefit here in NZ but I haven't had the strength to do so and put on paper that I am a widow....

I am crying as I am writing this....it's 3 weeks today that Andrew passed and I have never felt such grief in my life...

I am pleased I have found this forum...Francine and KayC...you write such lovely words...

 

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i'm glad you found this forum also and I'm so sorry for your loss. 

1 hour ago, SJG said:

.I definitely felt his presence in the room...it's hard to describe...but  you know someone is there.....it has happened when I've been especially upset and wanting to reach out to him....knowing that he is with me every step of the way is wonderful...I can talk to him...and I know he is listening...it's just that he doesn't answer back! Of course the loneliness at night sitting by myself in our house and the absence of his physical touch is hard to bear....

I do believe they never leave us - they only change form.  I always talk to my Charles and I know his spirit and Andrew's spirit remain alive inside of our hearts and minds. The way that we live each day is a testament to their influence.  I think our personalities are not completely our own, they are molded by a combination of the people who are around us during our formative years.  It is also a method for ensuring that their spirit lives on. When someone has a profound impact on the people who they touch throughout the course of their existence on Earth, they are able to build a legacy that cannot be tarnished or tainted, even in their absence. Their departure only serves to strengthen their place in the day to day living of those they leave behind.

Another way that those who we cherish most remain a part of our lives after their passing is by being there for us, even when we do not believe they are. There is nothing to stop you from talking to the people you care about and confiding in them when times get truly difficult.  I always talk to my Charles, getting his opinion on all sorts of things.

Love is a powerful emotion and it does not die with the person. You know the phase, "Absence make the heart grow fonder" I think is true. As long as we keep the flames of love burning deep within, then Charles and Andrew never truly leave us.   We keep them alive by continuing to love and care for them as if they were still here.

Sadness and pain are normal emotions to feel after the passing of someone who was so near and dear to us and should not be minimized.  I too cry my tsunami's - and that's OK and a way of healing.  But, it’s important to remember that they are always watching over you and holding us close.

The best way to honor their memory is to continue putting the lessons they’ve taught us into practice and pass onto the next generation. That way, even after we are gone, we ensure that the people you cared for the most are able to live on in the memories of those closest to us.   A person is never truly gone as long as we remain in contact with them, keep our love for them burning brightly and preserve their memory.

I hope you continue to post - I truly think we are all family here and what does family do best - support, encourage and uplift one another when we're down.  Sending prayers your way and ask God to bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

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1 hour ago, SJG said:

I do find it very comforting to believe that Andrew's passing was meant to be.....that it was predetermined ........it has helped to ease the raw pain.....

Then that's your answer!  In my situation, I felt the opposite, I had a hard time understanding how a God that loves me would actually PLAN taking George away from me so soon!  But that is one of the interesting things I've discovered about grief, we all do it differently and what brings comfort to some seems to bring pain to others.  We have to do it our way.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

Then that's your answer!  In my situation, I felt the opposite, I had a hard time understanding how a God that loves me would actually PLAN taking George away from me so soon!  But that is one of the interesting things I've discovered about grief, we all do it differently and what brings comfort to some seems to bring pain to others.  We have to do it our way.

Kay,

I've had a hard time with this too. It's the same struggle I have when I see on the news that a child has suffered horrible abuse or when a natural disaster claims hundreds of lives. It's hard to understand how these things can be part of a greater plan. But I also realize that there are things that God doesn't necessarily need or want me to understand. He wrote this play we all act in. I ask, "Who am I to question the author". When I pray to Him I let Him know that, although I am hurt and broken over the loss of Lori and how that is part of His plan but I accept it and I trust His wisdom. It's not easy to do but when I pray this way I have a sense of peace and calm come over me. I hope that you can find the peace in your walk.

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I truly get what all are saying here and am glad we can voice our opinions and concerns.  I think Eagle-96 makes a valid point.

5 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

It's the same struggle I have when I see on the news that a child has suffered horrible abuse or when a natural disaster claims hundreds of lives. It's hard to understand how these things can be part of a greater plan. But I also realize that there are things that God doesn't necessarily need or want me to understand. He wrote this play we all act in. I ask, "Who am I to question the author". When I pray to Him I let Him know that, although I am hurt and broken over the loss of Lori and how that is part of His plan but I accept it and I trust His wisdom. It's not easy to do but when I pray this way I have a sense of peace and calm come over me. I hope that you can find the peace in your walk.

I too felt how could a God so loving and caring allow such atrocities to happen to good people.   But I realized HE doesn't have to *run it by us* for approval; HE doesn't need our *blessings* or *OK*.  HE IS GOD. The beginning and the end (and all that's in between as well)  Our feeble minds couldn't relate anyway.   In Isaiah 55: 8-9 it states, "My thoughts are nothing like your thought, and My ways are far beyond anything you can ever imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

HE is our heavenly father and like all children, we have questions.  What better person can you find out the answers to your questions than going to your father.  As Eagle-96 pointed out, pray to your father, talk to HIM, let HIM know your feelings, your thoughts, your pain.  HE will listen - 24/7 - around the clock.  If you need to cry while you're praying, then cry (I do it all the time) and believe me HE will answer.  When you are tired, HE will give you the strength to go on; when you are discouraged, HE will give you hope to endure; and when you are afraid, HE not only will give you peace, HE IS YOUR PEACE.

Trust in HIM no matter how difficult it may appear; HE's got us all.

 

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15 hours ago, Francine said:

I truly get what all are saying here and am glad we can voice our opinions and concerns.  I think Eagle-96 makes a valid point.

I too felt how could a God so loving and caring allow such atrocities to happen to good people.   But I realized HE doesn't have to *run it by us* for approval; HE doesn't need our *blessings* or *OK*.  HE IS GOD. The beginning and the end (and all that's in between as well)  Our feeble minds couldn't relate anyway.   In Isaiah 55: 8-9 it states, "My thoughts are nothing like your thought, and My ways are far beyond anything you can ever imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

HE is our heavenly father and like all children, we have questions.  What better person can you find out the answers to your questions than going to your father.  As Eagle-96 pointed out, pray to your father, talk to HIM, let HIM know your feelings, your thoughts, your pain.  HE will listen - 24/7 - around the clock.  If you need to cry while you're praying, then cry (I do it all the time) and believe me HE will answer.  When you are tired, HE will give you the strength to go on; when you are discouraged, HE will give you hope to endure; and when you are afraid, HE not only will give you peace, HE IS YOUR PEACE.

Trust in HIM no matter how difficult it may appear; HE's got us all.

 

Thank you, Francine, for this. I too have asked how can Lily's passing possibly be for a greater good. How can it be part of God's plan for good. She was so good! We need more people like her, sharing love, understanding, compassion, kindness and goodness to others, friends or strangers. That was her, so how can not having that anymore possibly be better. I don't understand. I know I have to trust in Him and I'll never get the answers I seek, but I struggle with it sometimes. I pray every day for Him to help me and guide me. I hope He is, I hope He does. I just miss my Lily so much. I miss her goodness in my life. 

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31 minutes ago, Lulu said:

I don't understand. I know I have to trust in Him and I'll never get the answers I seek, but I struggle with it sometimes. I pray every day for Him to help me and guide me. I hope He is, I hope He does. I just miss my Lily so much. I miss her goodness in my life. 

 

I'm so sorry, and you're right - none of us understand and sometimes there are things we're not meant to understand.  Of course you miss Lily; I miss my Charles like crazy.  But we have both been blessed simply because they were part our lives.  Don't worry.  God is never blind to our tears, never death to our prayers, and never silent to our pain and will answer us when we least expect it.   The pain that you're feeling now won't even compare to the joy that's coming.    That's where our faith comes in - it isn't easy; it never is - but faith means believing the unbelievable; having peace when we don't have all the answers and knowing things will work out, maybe not how we planned, but just how they're meant to be.  Stay Strong and God bless you, God bless us all.

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When sin entered this world, it changed everything.  God ALLOWED Satan the reigns for a time, that does not mean God causes these things to happen or wills it, God can never "will" sin to happen, nor does He relish the consequences, such as a child being murdered.  We're all left floundering with the results of a fallen world that affects us all, but we're not left alone to deal with it.  He's still there with us, still wanting to carry us.  And He WILL right everything someday, Satan's rule both has limits and an ending!  Who all gets the fallout I do not see as part of a divine plan, but I do see that He works good in even the bad things that happen to us, something only God can do!  I have learned much from this grief journey I am on, I call them the silver linings to the cloud, you might call it a divine plan, I see the divinity in it being that God can work something good from something so horrible.

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

we're not left alone to deal with it.  He's still there with us, still wanting to carry us.  And He WILL right everything someday, Satan's rule both has limits and an ending!  Who all gets the fallout I do not see as part of a divine plan, but I do see that He works good in even the bad things that happen to us, something only God can do!  I have learned much from this grief journey I am on, I call them the silver linings to the cloud, you might call it a divine plan, I see the divinity in it being that God can work something good from something so horrible.

Very well put; I couldn't agree more and I'll end it with AMEN!

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14 hours ago, Francine said:

 

I'm so sorry, and you're right - none of us understand and sometimes there are things we're not meant to understand.  Of course you miss Lily; I miss my Charles like crazy.  But we have both been blessed simply because they were part our lives.  Don't worry.  God is never blind to our tears, never death to our prayers, and never silent to our pain and will answer us when we least expect it.   The pain that you're feeling now won't even compare to the joy that's coming.    That's where our faith comes in - it isn't easy; it never is - but faith means believing the unbelievable; having peace when we don't have all the answers and knowing things will work out, maybe not how we planned, but just how they're meant to be.  Stay Strong and God bless you, God bless us all.

I'm trying so hard but I just don't understand. We prayed and asked for healing. We claimed a full recovery and thanked God for his healing, but she wasn't healed. Why? She never lost faith and believed she was going to get better, even in hospice. That hurts to remember. How she never gave up, I never gave up until her last breath. It was just me and her that night.

I've heard people say it's part of God's plan. He has something great in store for means he's preparing me with this test. There's nothing I want that I would have to lose my Lily for. She was so kind and generous to everyone she met. People loved her. All it took was 15 minutes with her and you'd be hooked. Her joyful and sweet personality won you over. How could someone like that not be worth saving?! I'm just having a bad day. I worked late today and there was no one to call to tell I'm running late and no one to call me to see if I was OK, was I on my way. 

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7 hours ago, Lulu said:

I'm trying so hard but I just don't understand. We prayed and asked for healing. We claimed a full recovery and thanked God for his healing, but she wasn't healed. Why? She never lost faith and believed she was going to get better, even in hospice. That hurts to remember. How she never gave up, I never gave up until her last breath. It was just me and her that night.

I've heard people say it's part of God's plan. He has something great in store for means he's preparing me with this test. There's nothing I want that I would have to lose my Lily for. She was so kind and generous to everyone she met. People loved her. All it took was 15 minutes with her and you'd be hooked. Her joyful and sweet personality won you over. How could someone like that not be worth saving?! I'm just having a bad day. I worked late today and there was no one to call to tell I'm running late and no one to call me to see if I was OK, was I on my way. 

My Andrew was like that too.....people loved him.....and he won you over in no time! I kinda feel I have to make up for his personality myself no he's gone..I too have no-one to ring if I'm late home....yesterday I got some news...and normally I'd ring Andrew straight away...I sat there and thought.....I don't have anyone to tell this to now.....I know exactly what you are going through....hang in there.....I am....but it sucks....I don't know what else to say to you....except I am feeling all these things right now too...

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9 hours ago, Lulu said:

How could someone like that not be worth saving?! I'm just having a bad day.

Believe me, I know how hard it is and my bad days outweigh my *ok* ones.  I don't say good one, because those *good* days are a thing of the past for me. It's so hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember.  I know in my heart that we are all visitors to this time, this place and we are just passing through.  Lily just went on a little before you and is awaiting your return on the other side of the veil - where peace and love are the norms.  Can you imagine, she's in total peace.  Our purpose here is to observe, to learn, to grow, to love.....and then to return home. Lily is home, we're the ones who are not.

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13 hours ago, Lulu said:

I'm trying so hard but I just don't understand. We prayed and asked for healing. We claimed a full recovery and thanked God for his healing, but she wasn't healed. Why? She never lost faith and believed she was going to get better, even in hospice. That hurts to remember. How she never gave up, I never gave up until her last breath. It was just me and her that night.

I've heard people say it's part of God's plan. He has something great in store for means he's preparing me with this test. There's nothing I want that I would have to lose my Lily for. She was so kind and generous to everyone she met. People loved her. All it took was 15 minutes with her and you'd be hooked. Her joyful and sweet personality won you over. How could someone like that not be worth saving?! I'm just having a bad day. I worked late today and there was no one to call to tell I'm running late and no one to call me to see if I was OK, was I on my way. 

I know that God answers our prayers. That answer may not necessarily be yes, however and that is a hard thing for me to deal with. I have found that when I pray I have to be prepared for God's answer no matter what it is. You are right. God DOES have a plan and he knows far more than our human minds can comprehend. I reflect on being in the hospital when Lori was fighting for her life. I was conflicted because I prayed so hard for Lori to live. Then a peace came over me and I just asked God for his will to be done because His will is greater than any of my wants or desires. I had a conversation with my mom through a stream of tears at the hospital and told her how scared I was that God's answer would be no. I feared the answer. Alas, Lori went home and I was left devastated, but throughout this 10 weeks I have had a strong conviction that God knows more about what I need than I do. It has given me great peace to talk to Him and let him know that I trust him no matter how deep the despair.

I'm not saying it is easy for me because it isn't. I'm also not saying this is how you should feel. I just want you to know that I have struggled with this too and you are not alone. It's easy to trust God when things are going great. It's trusting him in the bad times that takes so much strength(at a time when our reserves are at their lowest).

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12 hours ago, Lulu said:

I've heard people say it's part of God's plan. He has something great in store for means he's preparing me with this test. There's nothing I want that I would have to lose my Lily for.

Oh Lulu, I understand, and feel the same way.  That's why I've come to hate the cliches, and saying it's God's will they be yanked from us or God's will that they suffered, that to me labels God unfairly, how do we know His will to ascribe it to that?  We know that a lot of things happen in this world due to sin and fallen world, how do we know this is any different, our bodies are finite, they give out, that's all!  I think God does have a plan to reunite us, to give us an eternal future together, and that is where my hope lies, not in what happened, but what WILL be.  I just have to hang in there meanwhile...we're partway there.

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