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4 weeks ago my world disappeared


Butterflydonkey

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Butterflydonkey

4 weeks ago my husband's heart just stopped beating, it was sudden and unexpected, we thought he was having a panic attack due to asthma medication, but he was actually panicking because he couldn't breathe. My whole life changed, and no part will be the same, he's gone, and he was my everything, I have known him for 33 years, been with him for 22, and married him for 14. We had such a good life together, and we're so happy, I just can't see my life without him! I just don't see the point! I'm told this is normal, and I should expect to feel this way, but I don't see how I can do this. I need some strength...

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50 minutes ago, Butterflydonkey said:

4 weeks ago my husband's heart just stopped beating, it was sudden and unexpected, we thought he was having a panic attack due to asthma medication, but he was actually panicking because he couldn't breathe. My whole life changed, and no part will be the same, he's gone, and he was my everything, I have known him for 33 years, been with him for 22, and married him for 14. We had such a good life together, and we're so happy, I just can't see my life without him! I just don't see the point! I'm told this is normal, and I should expect to feel this way, but I don't see how I can do this. I need some strength...

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss and know too well what you are going through.  Your story mimics my own.  I too lost my Charles of a unexpected heart attack; I knew him for 47 years and we were married for 45. They were the best years of my life. Don't get me wrong, no relationship is all sunshine, but we shared one umbrella (sort to speak) and survived the storms together and made it through.  He was my heart, my love, protector, best friend; worst critique; my everything; my world. 

The saddest kind of sad is when your tears can't even drop and you feel nothing.   It's like the world has just ended; you don't cry, you don't hear, you don't see.  You are just here; and for a second, you feel your heart died. That's how I felt when my Charles was taken from this world.  I believed I actually died that same day - the only thing that was different was I didn't get buried.   I don't really have any motivation to do anything anymore.  I don't want to waste my energy (the little I have) on all the pointless day-to-day activities of life.  Life is harsh; life is unfair; life was taken from my Charles, but it can never snatch away my memories.  As crazy as it may sound, sometimes I would like to tell people that if they don't hear from me, I've run away in my mind and don't try to find me until I want to be found.

The fact that I'm still here and in one peace is due to my love for God and my belief in prayer.  HE literally brought me from rock bottom many times; sometimes my heart hurts so much that I feel like its going to explode and on some days, I wish the sadness would stop consuming me.   And while my heart is exploding, I wish that I would also -  because its just too much to be feeling nothing and everything all at once.  The deepest level of worship is praising God in spite of our pain, thanking God during our trials, trusting HIM when we're tempted to lose hope and loving HIM when HE seems so distant and far away.  At our lowest, God is our hope; at our darkest, God is our light; at my weakest, God is our strength, and at my saddest, God is our comforter.  Strength doesn't come from what you can do, it comes from overcoming the things you thought you couldn't. And it grows in the moments when you think you can't goon but you keep going anyway.

Continue to post; we are here for one another to uplift; support encourage. My prayer is that when you are tired, God gives you the strength to go on; when you're discouraged, HE gives you the hope to proceed, and when you're afraid He gives you peace. 

 

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ButterflyDonkey,

I am so sorry for your loss, it's something all of us here have experienced and we're going through this together.  I hope you will continue to come here, to know you are heard and understood, it validates our feelings and that's important.  It also helps as it lets us know we're not alone and we're not crazy, it's normal, all the things we're feeling.

In the beginning I felt as you, didn't see how I could make my way through this, how I could live without him.  It's been 12 years the 19th, it was on Father's Day.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Butterflydonkey,   What is the point, what is the purpose, life has no meaning--- all words we have in common in dealing with loss. Time, patience with yourself, a lot of self care and grief work will hopefully change those words for you eventually. This is a tough, painful, grueling journey and I am deeply sorry for your loss.

This is a wonderful, compassionate, loving, giving grief family you have become a member of. Express yourself freely when you feel the need. We are all here to help each other. Prayers of peace, comfort to you. (HUGS)

 

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