Hypocondriac mother new thoughts

[Inpain1985]

My mom was a hypocondriac.
She asked me about all sorts of things, related to disease.
Her main concerns where diabetes, blood cluts, heart failure.

Whenever i talked with her, she would feel the need to talk about her concerns.
She wouldent let it go, untill i listened.
When she came by, she wanted me to look at things on her skin.
She pressured me to look at it, for several times.
When i said i couldent stand it anymore, she would just keep showing it.
Look, don't it look like something serious, she would say.

The weekend before she died,
she sounded serious. Like she really was concerned about her health.
But then again, she was a hypocondriac i thought.
They really are concerned all the time. It's not a joke to them.
She kept going on and on, about i really think i am dying.
I think something is wrong with my heart.
Please listen.

I thought it was a new strategy to pressure me, to listen.
She said something similar before, but in a different tone.
In the past she sounded frightened. This time, frightened, but calm.

I was so tired of listening, i just finally said.
If you really think so, maybe it could be this time.
Maybe you in fact should get it checked out.

She asked me once (i can't remember if it was before or after the conversation above)
if i would go with her to the doctor.
She rarely asked me that, so i was a bit concerned.
I was so tired of her, i just said.
Is it really somehting this time?
Don't you think you just need to relax?
She was scared of doctors.

We went once many years ago to the emergency room,
where she was convinced she was dying.
They checked her out, and said she was fine.
They told her it was anxiety.

I was used to her having axiety. Both panic attacks and servere anxiety about her health.
I talked with her about the anxiety, and all the stress, maybe could cause all of these symptoms she had.

I didden't know which symptoms i should take seriously,
because she would read about them online, untill she suddenly convinced herself that she had the symptoms.

Are the symptoms real or imagination or anxiety? i thought.

The days after, she kept going on talking about symptoms,
and i got annoyed and hung up the phone.

The day before she died, she got mad at me and wouldent pick up the phone.

I got a bad feeling, where is was a 100 pct. convinced she would die the next day.

I told myself. Just stop it. Your mind is sick from anxiety, from constant worrying if she would actually die all the time.

Then i thought it was a healthy sign, that she kept holdning on to her anger toward me.
If she really was that ill, which i suddenly was concerned about. She couldent continue to be so angry i thought.

I thought about pcking up the phone. The strongest feeling i ever had,
told me to text her. You are going to die tomorrow, if you dont act. I never thought about texting anything like that ever before.
Then i thought. Why would she die so suddenly? I can talk to her tomorrow and tell her how i feel.

She always said, tell me if you get a bad feeling that i will die.
I didden't, because i ignored my bad feelings.

Why would she die? she was oly 51.

I keep thinking about i had that strong feeling, like never before that she would die and i diddent act. WHY???

WHY diddent i listen to her, when in fact i was concerned?

[reader]

Dear Inpain,

I'm so sorry my friend. I know it hurts badly right now. I know its cold comfort and I did the same thing, so many of us do. We keep going back and back about what happened. 7 months later I still do the same thing. Its very hard because we want know why did this happen? Why?

It sounds like there was a lot on your shoulders. And even professionals don't know how to handle their patient's needs or wants. How can we as the children manage every detail of our parent's life? We tried

Keep sharing with us. Please know you are not alone. Sending you love and hugs.

 

[tommysmama]

I have not lost a parent, so I cannot tell you "I know how you feel." All I can tell you is I'm truly sorry for your loss. My mother is a hypochondriac, and your conversations with your mother sound very similar to mine. It opened my eyes a little, so thank you.

Although I am only a stranger typing through a screen, I am here if you ever need someone to talk to. 

[NaturesDaughter]

I definitely feel your pain when I lost my father 2 days before he told me you have to call me more often and then the night before I realized the whole day passed without me calling him and it was well past midnight so I thought to myself I would call him in the morning. Unfortunately morning never came. It still gets me till this day cause it's not like he was fighting a disease in and out of the hospitals and he was only 43 drove a NYC  ttransit bus the day before he passed away. Died of a heart attack in his sleep. I'm only now having the courage to talk about it. You are not alone . I'm not sure if your a believer of God but I am I think we both had those strong urges to call but didn't because it was our parents time and they lived for us but hearing our voices would have probably made it harder for them to let go. Don't be too hard on yourself and try to make the most out of the time you have here on earth.