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Loss of father and essentially mother


Kathy27

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My Dad passed away on April 23rd. He had been sick but I felt he was doing better. He wasn't feeling well Thursday or Friday and his blood pressure bottomed out on Saturday morning. My mom and sister took him to the hospital. My daughter's birthday party was that day and I had company in from out of town and just had a lot going on. I asked for updates every couple hours and they kept telling me there was no news so I didn't go out there. Sunday morning I got the call from my mom that I better get out there if I wanted to see him. I found out the he was a lot worse than what my mom was telling me and I blame her. I stayed with my mom all week. The night before the funeral I lost it. I cut myself pretty bad, so bad the tissue was coming out and I had to get 5 stitches and when my fiancé found out he freaked out and ran straight and told my mom. When she come  and demanded to know what was going on I told her to leave me alone. She told me to get my stuff and leave and never come back and not to come to the funeral. While getting my stuff I blacked out and smacked my mom. She called the police. I was arrested. I was held for a week on suicide watch even after my bail was posted. They stripped me naked and put me in a cell with nothing but a tear proof smock. No phone calls, the water didn't work, and I was freezing. They kept saying you could get out at any time and then as the days past I lost hope. The not knowing was horrible. And being away from my daughter who I had never been away from for more than one night. When I got out I found out that my mother and my sister are getting a lawyer to cut me out of he will. They told my fiancé a bunch of lies trying to get him to leave me. My sister packed up all my stuff from my old room and sent it to me and then had my phone turned off. These charges have also effected my career. My mother said that I did not allow her to grieve that I left her to take care of my daughter. I asked her every day if she wanted us there or needed time to herself. The only time she was left with my daughter was when I had to go to school and she refused to let anyone else watch her. I wrote my dad a letter to put in with him and my sister read it and made fun of it. I missed the funeral. 

I am so mad that my mother turned her back on me like that. Yes I know she is grieving too and maybe she just reacted but that does not explain the actions since. And I am so mad but miss her also.   

I miss my dad so much. I feel like I am in a nightmare. It's all so surreal. When I was in jail the only way I could cope was to turn my brain off and not think. The next week or two I was mostly busy getting things straightened out. But the past week or two has been torture. I am trying to allow myself to feel the pain so that I do not explode like I did before. But I do not know  how to even begin to process. My fiancé is supportive but stand off ish. He doesn't want talk about it, he will listen but I don't feel like he is hearing me. I told him last night I had given up on trying to talk to him. He even said he didn't want to go to the cemetery with me because he didn't want to see me upset. 

It is not fair that I am not allowed to loose it. Every day the pain gets worse. 

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Dear Kathy,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the pain is deep and unbearable. Please know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. We all deal with grief differently. It is a very tough time. Our minds can't even being to understand what has happened.

If you want to, maybe consider grief counselling or joining a support group. There are also resources in the community and through church. I've also tried reading articles from What's Your Grief and the Grief Healing Blog.

Please know we are all here to listen and support you. Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs.

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Hello, 

I am going to counseling. Unfortunately I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety about 4 1/2 years ago. I have suicidal that's all the time anyway. And all this going on is taking a tole on me. And with the anxiety it is hard for me to be able to talk to anyone so I just wonder how effective my counseling is going to be. I go to my second session tomorrow so we will see. I'm not expecting miracles but after seeing a doctor since I was diagnosed and not getting any real results I am not expecting much. But something has to give because I don't want to live like this. 

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