I miss Clara

[Michkyi]

I am a 20 year old in a breeding household for years without problems, but It's been a rough week. Last Saturday morning, about 1AM four days ago, my cat went into labor and ended up with 6 babies in six hours. Being on the floor with my sweetheart for the duration of her labor somehow caused me a strong, strong attachment to her kittens, a maternal and extremely loving bond. I have experience raising 34 kittens during the years, but never have I been so attached to them so soon. With the mom's permission, I snuggled with, cuddled, and kissed each baby about 10 times each day, which caused her no distress as long as they were quiet. I am so glad I spent so much time handling them, because they were never unloved... 

Yesterday morning, one kitten—who had not been nursing as much and had been separated, experienced non-contagious (Knock on wood) fading kitten syndrome in full at only two days—though for me, it felt like two years—young. I had at the time taken pictures with the little one and handled her even extra than the rest. She was so special to me and felt like my own child. 

As it happened, when I came in the room that morning, she was in her final stages of the fatal syndrome and began to shiver. I was instructed to bring her a heating pad, but it was too late. She was weakening and dying. Frantically and hopefully, I demanded to stay with her, knowing in the bottom of my heart that she would die. I rubbed her sides and rotated her beneath her washcloth for an hour straight, caressing her and telling her it was okay and how much I loved her. It truly felt like my own child was leaving me. 

During that hour, she became weaker and weaker, fading before my tearful eyes. She was sweet, soft, gentle, and reciprocal, and because of this, it killed me to watch her mews begin to deafen, her voice begin to vanish, her sweet sides lose the rigor that was in their breaths, her mouth fall open on deaf ears, her tongue drop, her perfect ears fall back for the last time, her body go limp as I rotated and rubbed it, my work fail before my eyes, and, alas, after an hour, her take her final breath. She was the first death I have ever witnessed—kitten or human—and it felt so inhumane and unfair. Having to leave my baby's body on the bed and walk away was just unbearable. I've been sobbing since and haven't left the bed. I've been visiting the other babies and talking to her in heaven, but this is so heartbreaking I can't function. 

I have been told that Clara, this kitten, is thrilled to have been with me all this time. I've been told she's grateful eternally for my love, nurture, and care, even in her final moments. Because of me, the story goes, she knew love, care, nurture, adoration, worth, gentleness, acceptance, and no more. She lived only in joy provided from my love and warmth, I'm told, and in her death she was so comforted by my love in her final moments. I made every moment of her life worth living and filled it with joy, apparently. I know she's happy now—Heaven needed a perfect, beautiful therapy pet and she was just the one. It's just so hard to live without my little Clara love. 

[KayC]

Michkyi,

You have a beautiful capacity to love, and Clara was indeed fortunate to have you with her in her short little life.  I am sorry for the pain of losing her, I've been told it's in direct correlation with the love we shared.  The intensity of this pain will fade but the missing them continues as testament to the place they created in us, we do not forget them.