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Loss of both parents essentially


KRachelle

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So its been almost 2 years since my father passed. Shortly after his passing my mother decided to "focus" on her life. Which really meant, she basically wanted nothing to do with me, my sister and my brother. I am 25 with a 5 year old so not only is it hard on me to not have a mom who wants to be around, but its hard to have to explain to my son why his mawmaw hasn't been around or hasn't wanted to for that matter. And if that isn't bad enough, all of this is pouring over into my relationship with my boyfriend. He was there before my dad passed so luckily he's seen me when I was actually happy and not so crazy. I guess what I'm trying to get out of all of this, is how to cope with all of this. I've spoke with a therapist a couple times but it's not the same as talking to other people who have been through a similar situation.

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Dear KRachelle,

I'm very sorry to hear about the passing of your father. I know everyone handles grief differently. And maybe this is your mom's way because she realized how short life was and she wanted to maximize all her time. I know it feels like abandonment, but have you tried talking to her about this. Ask her to meet you for lunch or go shopping. It never hurts to reach out and make plans with her. Let her know how much you love and miss her company. She might not make time but at least you tried. I know it hurts when we can't understand how someone else behaves.

I hope your mom will come around. Grief takes a long time to process in our minds. In the meantime, please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen and support you.

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Thank you for the response. I guess you're right, everyone grieves in their own way. I think what I'm struggling with is as a mother myself, I can't figure out how she can just walk away from her kids and grand kids like that. I've tried to talk to her but she just says she needs time for herself. I shouldn't have to beg my mom to be a mom or to even be a grandparent to my son. It's not fair to anyone. It's been almost 2 years. To me, that's long enough. I wish she knew how screwed up she is making me feel by her current actions and the person she has turned into.  

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Hello, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I am going through a similar situation . My father passed about a month ago and now my mother and sister...I don't even know how to explain that situation but I haven't spoken to my mother since a few days after dad died and my sister only briefly. I do not want to say I understand because I don't think that anyone completely knows how another person feels. But I can relate to the anger you are feeling towards your mother. My daughter is only 5 and she is crushed by the situation. 

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Dear KRachelle and Kathy,

I hear you, my friends. Sometimes I think its almost impossible to understand another human being. I struggle to understand myself and my feelings on this horrible journey called grief. The hardest part is giving people the space they have asked for. Its not what we want or need, but I guess we'll have to respect it. And hope that with more time they will come around.

Thinking of you both during this difficult time. With love and hugs.

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I am definitely in a similar situation my father who was my best friend and i talked to daily passed from cancer Dec 30 2015 i took care of him and lived with my parents with my kids as i have 17 years experience in healthcare my mother's problems with me have been my whole life that is why i was so close with my dad i also have a brother and sister but they are only out for themselves as a matter of fact they both asked if i was sure and if they really needed to come when i had to call ambulance 24 hours before my dad passed anyway point of all this is i have no family my dad trusted my mom to give me my inheritence which she won't my brother and sister got theirs even though i really needed mine as i am a single mother and wasn't working to care for my dad he appreciated it no one else does or cares in fact they have went so far as to say my dad didn't love me and said to give me nothing after my mother herself one day told me she was to give me an exact amount of money and she put stipulations on it and when i fulfilled those it still never happened she started in on me about getting a job while i was driving her from the cemetery not even a block down the road no matter what i have ever done it is never enough for them and im so devastated and i know proper grammar I'm sorry even right now im crying so hard typing this i have never done anything to any of them to deserve this plain and simple my mother has never cared for me im too skinny or fat or too pale or tan or whatever just never enough i suffer from depression and anxiety since my son died 9 years ago to which my mother has said just get over it and my dad just understood i have to pretend in my mind he is just away on business which he has done cause if i think about the fact i will never speak to him again it kills me this is just a brief summary there is so much more to this im sorry hope it makes sense im typing through tears and trying to explain the situation but i feel for my mother to tell ppl including my older kids and such my dad didn't care about me is cruel and i can't even ask him anything anymore.

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Dear jdgerky,

I'm very sorry for your loss. And to hear about this additional pain from your siblings and mothers. Please know you are alone. We are all to listen and offer any support we can. Your dad sounds like a special man. A good man and those are so rare. I know the loss is unbearable. Thinking of you. Sending you all my thoughts and prayers.

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I should also add my dads relationships with my siblings was strained they had both wronged him and he asked me to be there to take care of him and so i did and he was the best person and man i am so hurt thank you for the thoughts and prayers. 

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I want to first start by saying that I am sorry for your loss.  I too lost my father recently (within 7 weeks) and my birth mother completely disowned myself and siblings as she felt that "it is what she needed to do for her now"  WHAT?!  Now I personally was not surprised, I do however have sibs that are super hurt by her reaction.   I am also thankful that my husband knew me when... when I was happy, when I felt normal, when I was "me".  All I can say is BE YOU!  If it means being ticked off then be it, if it means crying then do it, if it means a makeover, a job change, writing a book, becoming a Monk... DO IT.  I too am in grief counselling and one thing that stuck out to me was hearing my counsellor say "there are people who crumble under the change and people who have a fire lit"  I have always been a go-getter and don't get me wrong, I CRY!  All I am saying is that in the end we only have to truly look at ourselves in the mirror.  Once we make peace with who WE are then nothing else really matters.  I use to shy away from speaking my mind in certain situations, not anymore.  Today I am strong and tomorrow I may cry and post something that seems hopeless, in the end, they are ALL ME.  I truly wish you the best on your journey to finding peace in all of this. :)  Sorry for the rant

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You can rant to me any time. I have no one to vent to so I know how it can help just to let it out. I just started working with a therapist and he said basically the same thing. That it is perfectly fine to feel whatever I am feeling. Not to let anyone tell me how to feel just allow myself to feel it. If I want to be mad then be mad if I need to cry then cry. I personally am mad at everyone around me because they act like I don't have the right to break down. Or I'm not aloud to just be mad for no reason and not have someone hold it against me. I hope your husband is being supportive my boyfriend isn't... My mother only disowned me. She is stuck up my sisters butt. They are even trying to get a lawyer to cut me out of the will. I know I never should have smacked my mom but I blacked out. I didn't even know I had done it and still don't remember doing it. And not that I'm trying to say it was right but I feel like she deserved it. I tried to kill myself and she told me to leave and never come back then I smacked her. I just don't understand and they have not only disowned me but my 5 yr old daughter as well. I've had some strong moments especially when I first got out of jail. The past two weeks I've felt broken. I feel so lost and helpless. I feel like I need to wake up from a nightmare. 

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