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Double loss


bela

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I want to say that I have no words but I have so many.  I just can't get them out.  People keep asking, "How are you?"  I know they probably think I just don't want to talk but I really can't.  No sooner do I go to form a word and the emotion swells inside of me like a  volcano ready to blow.  I really can't...  All I can do is cry.  I feel frustrated, lonely, mad and sad. 

I lost my husband April 15th.  Then my Dad died.  In less than a week, I lost my soulmate and the love of my life.  My husband and I were together since we were teens.  We separated for some time and fought our way back to each other.  He went through so much and when we got back together, he was...again, the man I feel in love with but better.  My Dad...through all the good, the bad and everything in-between, was always there.  Always helping even when I (thought) I didn't want it.  Now they're both gone.  I am so lost.  My husband was just 52 and my Dad, 75.

I'm trying to support my Mom but, every time I see her my heart breaks all over again and I know she sees it.  She's trying to support me, but I can see it's too much for her.  I know I'm not the only person who's gone through this but I can't stop feeling that 47 is too young to be a widow.  As horrible as this may sound...I try to remind myself that there are people who have lost their whole families - that I should be grateful for the time I had.  But then I think how stupid that sounds.  Grateful?  How can I be grateful?  Someone asked me, "Is this your first loss?"  I keep thinking about that.  What did she mean?  Am I handling this badly?  Were all losses like this?  Should I have built up some kind of immunity with past losses?  I'm sure that nothing was meant by it...but then why?

I want to get control of my emotions.  If only while in public...I can't even do that.  I cry in the drug store, at work...at the bank...everywhere.  People tell me it's normal.  There is nothing normal about this.  I feel fine for 15 minutes...then out of nowhere, I don't.  It sucks.  It hurts.  It is so hard.  It takes time?...I can't imagine EVER feeling normal again.  I can't get out of my head.  It's like I'm on overdrive.  I can't turn my thoughts off...but yet I can't focus on anything. 

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Bela, I am so sorry for your losses. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through as we all feel and grieve differently. I pray that you will find peace during this difficult time in your life. 

I lost the love of my life on April 1st so we are pretty close in our grief journey. People tell me to take it day by day but it is still minute to minute for me. I think about Lori constantly. I feel everything from sadness, regret, loneliness, anger, despair, fear. I don't know what I am going to feel from one day to the next and sometimes feel all of them at once. 

You don't have to get control of your emotions. You are allowed to cry anytime and anywhere you want to. Sometimes we can't control the flood of tears as they tend to grab ahold of us out of nowhere.

You will also find that people say some pretty stupid things to you sometimes. They throw around platitudes and cliches. But keep in mind that 99% of people that say them mean well. They simply don't know what to say so they repeat things they have heard that are supposed to help or be inspiring to those in our position. The truth is that the only people that can truly understand what we are going through are those that have experienced the loss of a spouse. You and your mom now share a sad bond that nobody wants to have but you are each in a position of knowledge that may be helpful for you. 

I also encourage you to visit the Loss Of A Parent forum here as they will be better equipped to share their feelings surrounding the loss of a father. Each grief is different so I don't know your pain regarding your father and I want you to be able to share with those that can identify with that grief too. Please come here to share, vent, cry, scream. Whatever you want to say. You will find understanding without judgement. And we will walk along with you on this road. I wish you peace and comfort.

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bela, I wish to say words that will ease your pain, but there are none. To lose your soulmate and your beloved father in less than a week has to be completely, devastatingly painful. More painful than I can imagine. My losses in life came one at a time,never a double loss such as yours. You and your family have my deep condolences. Eagle-96 gave some wonderful words of advice, encouragement. Others will be following here to share with you also. I'm not that good with expressing myself but I want you to know that as our own grief family here, we will all be here for you when you need us.

You are right. There is nothing normal about this. All of your emotions you are feeling all at once, is not what one would consider as normal. They are all due to grieving though, which is all we have to express our pain, despair, sadness. We have been shattered by our loss, our emotions are shattered all over the place.Our whole world as we knew it is shattered. It will take a very long time and much patience with yourself to sort through all those shattered pieces and be able to put some of yourself back together. As you are slowly putting those pieces back together, you will discover many pieces forever lost. Loss changes us and changes our life. Don't worry, you have plenty of time. There is a lot to be said for taking your day minute by minute, hour by hour. It is just enough in order to cope.

You and your mom need each other more than ever at this time. Be there for each other as much as possible. I hope you have a family unit that will all support each other.

Prayers of peace, comfort and love to you and yours. You have joined a secondary family here who understands what you are going through. (HUGS)

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Bela,

I am so sorry for your losses.  To lose your soulmate is more than enough but then to lose your dad within a week, that is way hard!  I am glad you've found your way here, and hope you will read through the threads and as you do, know you are not alone in your feelings.  

One day at a time, it is the best advice I was ever given, because to try to take on any more than that invited anxiety.  I have found that this grief journey I embarked upon was a forever journey, but it evolves and does not stay in the same intensity forever, it is ever changing as we begin to adjust and make our way through it.  Right now it doesn't seem possible, but we do.  My heartfelt prayers are with you.

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Dear Bela,

I'm very sorry for your pain and sorrow. It is horrible to lose two such important people in your life so close together. Everything you are feeling and thinking is normal and part of grief. Life is so hard and cruel. Please know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. We are all here to listen and support you. Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs.

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I have started reading some other posts.  It seems I find something in each post that I can relate to.  I'm not sure how that makes me feel?  It makes my heart break for each and every one of you.  I appreciate that this place exists.  I don't know if I could 'vent' in person.  As it is, I'm typing and wiping tears.  In person, I'm just a mess.  I can barely get a word out let alone a whole sentence.

It's just been a month and a half.  Maybe I'm expecting too much to fast?  I'm back at work although, I probably shouldn't be. I initially thought keeping my mind busy was working.  Maybe it works when it's a mindless task...but to focus and manage and multitask.  Not so much.  But then what am I supposed to do?  I have to pay bills.  I have vacation time.  What do I do?  Stay home with myself, my thoughts? No thank you.  But I'm finding that I can't handle work.  I can't focus.  I'm afraid of who knows and who doesn't.  Will they say something about it?  God, please no.  Will they act like nothing happened?  That's almost worse.  I feel like I'm existing in this world but everybody else is living and no matter the situation or conversation I'm never going to be part of "them" again.

I went for a drive and ended up sitting in my car at a park.  I'm watching people and thinking how the hell is life still moving?  Why are people laughing?  I was actually mad which made me cry because it was such a ridicules thought.  My Mom has gone through my Dad's clothes, sorted through bills, turned things off and flipped things into her name.  I've done nothing.  Not a blessed thing.  What is wrong with me?  I'm organized.  I'm driven.  I'm really good at my job.  I'm independent.  I'm always in control.  Now?  I feel so lost.  I can't shake it off.

I miss my husband & Dad terribly.  But...I need to be able to function.  These constant feelings of grief are consuming every corner of my life.  I'm mentally and physically exhausted.  In my head I understand it takes time and realistically a month and a half isn't much.  But I can't help but feel I should be able to control it...a little....?  Yes, I should be able to grieve.  Everyone should in there own time, in there own way.  But I feel like I can't function and to me...that's like torture on top of this agony.

 

 

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Bela, everything you are feeling is completely normal. It's all so horrible and scary. We're all going through these "normal" feelings. There is no solution other than going through it. Talk about it, write about it, cry about it, get mad about it. It's a roller coaster of emotions and it will be for a long time. It still is for me but as time goes on I am finding it a little easier to focus.  It's 5 months today since I lost the love of my life suddenly. I still cry every day. Sometimes several times a day. I miss him every moment of every day. But the feelings of going crazy and the intense anxiety has gotten better. It will get better. Just take it one day at a time and feel all the feelings you have, no matter how painful. 

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Bela,

I only took two weeks off work, even coming in to do payroll after five days!  It was extremely hard to focus and I caught myself making mistakes, something I never did before.  I talked to my boss about it and asked him to check my work.  Work was a positive environment for me though, my boss and coworkers were great...unfortunately the place went under within months at the start of the recession and the next place was awful.  Work can be good as it occupies some of our time and I honestly don't know how I would have handled being home alone 24/7, as it was, nights and weekends were really hard.

Your feelings are normal, and it's totally understandable we have a hard time functioning in early grief.  1 1/2 months is not that very far into your grief journey.  It will get better as you adjust, it does take time to process grief and to learn to adjust to the changes it makes for us in our lives.  You might want to see your doctor about getting medication to help you sleep because it's hard to function without it.  Also make sure to eat something healthy even if you don't feel like it, drink some water, take a walk.

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bela, Please do not be so hard on yourself. Now is the time to be gentle and patient. My personality was similar to yours. My husband and I ran a business together. I'm not driven, organized or efficient, etc., like I used to be. My office desk is piled high from every piece of paper from last year and now this year. I've actually been late paying on bills a couple of times. It is all part of the grieving. We get messed up for a long time. Our minds are reeling from the traumatic blow of our loss. You lost two very important people and your mind is trying to process and adapt to the losses. We have no control over the process. We wish that we did, but grieving and coping with so many emotions doesn't give us that control. We have no choice but to relinquish and let the grieving have its way.Just go with it, do not fight it it. It will be a losing battle to fight what has to follow a natural course. I can understand your need to function. One part of your mind wants to, but there is an another part that is saying, slow down, you don't need to be doing all the usual things yet. There will be time down the road to get back into some sort of a routine. Take your time, bela, grieving cannot be rushed. I'll be praying for you. (HUGS)

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I had a bunch of mini melt downs at work today and big one after work.  I can't put into words how much reading and writing, if only momentarily, helps.  I hate that anyone even remotely feels like I do.  But...it's also uncomfortably comforting to know you all do.  That sounds so stupid.

I think I am rushing this...or wanting to.  I don't want to feel this way.  Nobody wants to feel this way. It's absolute torture.  I'm not making any kind of conscience decision to fight the grief...but I definitely think I'm trying to control my emotions.  Not from having them...just publically showing them.  I'm very uncomfortable with sharing intimate feelings with coworkers, acquaintances or even strangers.  I think that's why I'm here.  I can share that I'm having a hard time.  I'm scared of doing life, alone.  I'm pissed that I'll never have grandkids to enjoy with my husband.  My Dad isn't a phone call away.  It's too much.   -  But here, you can't see all of this.  Why that's easier?  I have no clue but it's definitely easier to write here then to cry in front of people.

Today sucked.

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It's 5 months today for me. Didn't sleep well last night. Kept looking at the clock. He passed away shortly after midnight. Kept reliving the last hours of his life. In reading your last post I realized something. I have been using that word "torture" a lot since this happened. But right now I'm no longer feeling like I'm being tortured. I guess more acceptance is sinking in, slowly but surely. But yes, this really sucks. I still use that word constantly!  You will start to feel a little better. It will get better. But it still sucks!

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8 hours ago, bela said:

But here, you can't see all of this.  Why that's easier?  I have no clue but it's definitely easier to write here then to cry in front of people.

Here we have been through it and understand, it's a safe place to go to, you don't have to worry about people saying stupid cliches or judging how you are grieving.  No one expecting you to "be over it".  Having people see you at your most vulnerable is hard, none of us like that, it's easier wearing a mask in public, but it's also good to have a place to let down and be yourself even if it means crying.

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Quote

I have been using that word "torture" a lot since this happened.

I've been reading through some other posts and I'm finding the same words / phases used again and again.  I was given a book - Option B, although I'm not far into it at all.  It is also about loss (facing adversary and eventually...finding joy)...  Same thing in the book.  I never noticed that until now.  I'm glad your torture is easing up.  Although I held it together for most of the day today, but I still can't see this easing up?  I never went to bed until after 1am..woke up at 5:30...went to the bathroom and cried.  Why?  The seat was up.  The seat hasn't been up since for the past month and a half.  (My daughters boyfriend was here) But really?  A toilet?

 

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11 hours ago, KayC said:

 Having people see you at your most vulnerable is hard,

Yes!  There are people in my life that are telling me, "you're going to cry and people have to accept it."  Well of course they have to accept it.  It's not like they can stop me.  If they could, I'd spend all my time with those people!  But, just because something has to be accepted, doesn't change the fact that it's hard for me.  It is an extremely vulnerable and awkward position to be in to let people see those raw emotions.

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2 hours ago, bela said:

A toilet?

I'm so sorry, bela. Even something as inane as a toilet seat up can be a trigger. For me it is many little things. The black boot marks on the carpet in front of my husbands favorite seating spot on the sofa. The dirt marks you get around the doorknob on the back door. All those dirt marks I had been scrubbing clean for years, the recent ones are now there to stay. I need proof of existence and the little things can be triggers, but are the most important.

 

2 hours ago, bela said:

It is an extremely vulnerable and awkward position to be in to let people see those raw emotions.

Yes, it is, very much so. At the same time, it lets others know how deeply we love and that we are all human beings with feelings.

(HUGS)

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13 hours ago, bela said:

But really?  A toilet?

This brought me a smile because I can relate, it's the little everyday things that can be some of the biggest triggers.  I can also relate to KMB's "not scrubbing the dirt marks" because he made them.  Oh the things we take for granted and when they die it's those small crazy things we cherish, yes even dirt marks!

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I still put the toilet seat down. Not sure if it's habit or just something in my head that wants to continue doing it. It's those little things that seem like Mt. Everest now.

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For me is like I have a knife in my heart Bela! Tomorrow is going to be 6 months without my husband and 8 months without my mother. I go everywhere with that knife. Nobody sees that! Only I do! The pain hurts the same. It is only for my children I get up. They want me happy. I look happy! Often, we support each other to stand up. My children, their lifes which are in starts gives me energy to be strong, to bear that pain. You have to do it Bela! Is your duty now! When my mother passed away I was too devastated. I had months in hospital caring for my husband and my children were alone. My mother was very sick and my thoughts were to give up from this life. My husband understanding my situation asked me about my children. - Who is going to take care about them? I don't know what is going in my future!

He was doing chemiotherapies in that time. I remember that question time by time. Everyone is here for a purpose. For our children or maybe supporting each other here!  ((HUGS))

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On 5/29/2017 at 6:37 PM, bela said:

I want to say that I have no words but I have so many.  I just can't get them out.  People keep asking, "How are you?"  I know they probably think I just don't want to talk but I really can't.  No sooner do I go to form a word and the emotion swells inside of me like a  volcano ready to blow.  I really can't...  All I can do is cry.  I feel frustrated, lonely, mad and sad. 

I want to get control of my emotions.  If only while in public...I can't even do that.  I cry in the drug store, at work...at the bank...everywhere.  People tell me it's normal.  There is nothing normal about this.  I feel fine for 15 minutes...then out of nowhere, I don't.  It sucks.  It hurts.  It is so hard.  It takes time?...I can't imagine EVER feeling normal again.  I can't get out of my head.  It's like I'm on overdrive.  I can't turn my thoughts off...but yet I can't focus on anything. 

I'm so very sorry for your loss and know the pain you're going through.  You lost your husband on my wedding anniversary; my Charles and I would have celebrated 45 years of love together.   That was a very bad for the both of us.  My heart goes out to you - losing both your husband and father in such close proximity of each other.   Some people can speak a thousand words to you and you won't understand them and then there are those you understand without them speaking a single word.  Of course you're hurt,  frustrated, mad and sad; you certainly have the right to be.  If you must cry; cry your eyes out; sometimes you cry because your heart can't put the feelings you have into words and you cry because words can't express how your heart feels.  Without rain nothing grows; without crying, we don't heal or grow.  I get it - you feel lonely and lost.  You never know how lonely you are until it's the end of the day and you've got a  multitude of things to talk about and no one to talk to - now that's lonely - I know - I've been there too many times. Being a religious person, I go to God, my salvation, my rock and my strength

I think sometimes we are so wounded in  our loss, we cannot focus on whats real and whats not.  Our vision may become cloudy and out of focus.  And as hard as we try to get clarity back, it can't be rushed.   You will get control of your emotions, but don't rush it.  When your mind is not in focus clearly, your ability to see what is and what isn't is hampered. I don't know what *normal* is anymore - I'm aiming for OK.  You're right; it sucks, it's hard, it hurts and it will take time.  How much time?  Only God knows. 

On 5/29/2017 at 6:37 PM, bela said:

Grateful?  How can I be grateful? 

Be thankful for what you have and know your life, no matter how bad you think it is, is someone else's fairytale.  When a person looks through a colored lens, everything seems to be that color.  If the lens is tinted yellow or blue, everything seems yellow or blue.  A person who looks at life through the lens of  gratitude will always find things to be grateful for.

Your storm is raging right now; and believe me, I know how hard it is; but you will come out of this storm; you won't be the same person that walked in.  That's what the storm is all about.  

I hope you continue to post - we have all been drawn here for a reason - to uplift, support and encourage one another.  God Bless and keep you, keep us all, safe. Sending prayers your way.

 

 

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Your post, Francine....I was crying so hard...

10 hours ago, Francine said:

Some people can speak a thousand words to you and you won't understand them and then there are those you understand without them speaking a single word.

I'm sitting here with the tears just flowing...and no damn tissues.  I just want to say for now...thank you.  that's all I can get out.

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23 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

 

I still put the toilet seat down. Not sure if it's habit or just something in my head that wants to continue doing it.

 

Maybe women should leave it up out of courtesy to men, what makes it a rule that men should leave it down for women?  The effort is the same either way. ;)

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On 5/29/2017 at 4:37 PM, bela said:

I should be grateful for the time I had.  But then I think how stupid that sounds.  Grateful?  How can I be grateful?

We don't feel gratitude for what took them from us, but we can feel gratitude for anything positive, such as having gotten to spend a portion of our lives with them.  I am oh so very grateful for that!  Had I not met George, I never would have known his love, how wonderful it could be!

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8 hours ago, bela said:

Your post, Francine....I was crying so hard...

I'm sitting here with the tears just flowing...and no damn tissues.  I just want to say for now...thank you.  that's all I can get out.

Ive been there - so cry your eyes out - it just might make you feel somewhat better - I sure hope so.  I keep a box of tissue handy - wish I can *post* some your way :D   Be blessed and God's speed.

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17 minutes ago, Francine said:

Ive been there - so cry your eyes out - it just might make you feel somewhat better - I sure hope so.  I keep a box of tissue handy - wish I can *post* some your way :D   Be blessed and God's speed.

I think we should all buy stock in Kleenex.  I know I've probably used more in the last 5 months than I have for my whole life!!

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2 minutes ago, HHFaith said:

I think we should all buy stock in Kleenex.  I know I've probably used more in the last 5 months than I have for my whole life!!

You and me both.  I''ll bet their stocks have skyrocketed just from the persons on this forum :D

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3 minutes ago, KayC said:

Kleenex.jpg

I'll take a case please!!

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