Members Butterfly14 Posted May 29, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2017 My boyfriend passed away unexpectedly on April 17. I still can not believe that he is no longer around. I am slowly getting into somewhat of a routine (if you want to call it that). I know I need to be strong and do what I know what he would want me (and us) to do. I guess the one thing I do have is my faith and the love I have for the Lord that will help me through this journey. I feel for those that are going through the same thing, I guess coming on here and talking about it will help the healing process, especially when it feels like those that are/were close to my boyfriend hasn't reached out. Butterfly14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members WaHaaf99 Posted May 29, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2017 I am so sorry that nobody has reached out to you? Not even his family or anyone? Maybe you could reach out first to them? Each day has been miserable, and some days I am so tired, I can't even cry. I just feel numb, but then I get upset again. Continue to pray and talk to him and God. -WaHaaf99 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted May 29, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2017 Butterfly14, Thank you for finding this forum and reaching out on your own. I was told this bit of info at a grief support group. Don't wait and expect others to know your needs. We have to be the ones to keep reaching out for a listening ear, a supportive hug. Most people we know don't know what to say or do, they are uncomfortable and choose to avoid instead of asking what we need. I am deeply sorry for your loss. You lost your boyfriend, the love of your life and the future with him. It is concerning that his friends, family, haven't been there for you? You have come to the right place for expressing yourself. Only those of us that have lost a significant other understand the pain, loneliness, despair, all the emotions that you will come to experience. Continue to pray and keep your faith in God. He will not desert you in your greatest time of need. It might feel at times that God is not there for you, but He is. He sees and hears your suffering and will show you the way to the other side of grief. (HUGS) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted May 29, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2017 WaHaaf99, I am sorry about how you are feeling. Grieving is emotionally and mentally exhausting. Which is why self care is so important. Adequate sleep if we are able to. A few, small healthy meals throughout the day and water so we do not get dehydrated. A walk in nature to clear our minds, fresh air to help with sleep. Enough cannot be said for pampering ourselves to help us through on our journey of missing someone. Keep praying and we will pray for you as well. We need each other. (HUGS) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eagle-96 Posted May 30, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 30, 2017 7 hours ago, Butterfly14 said: My boyfriend passed away unexpectedly on April 17. I still can not believe that he is no longer around. I am slowly getting into somewhat of a routine (if you want to call it that). I know I need to be strong and do what I know what he would want me (and us) to do. I guess the one thing I do have is my faith and the love I have for the Lord that will help me through this journey. I feel for those that are going through the same thing, I guess coming on here and talking about it will help the healing process, especially when it feels like those that are/were close to my boyfriend hasn't reached out. Butterfly14 Butterfly, I am truly sorry for your loss. I know the pain and despair can be overwhelming. But keep in mind that you do not have to be strong. You are allowed to grieve. You are allowed to cry. You are allowed to long for your boyfriend. Remember that when you are weak He is strong. Let God carry you for he knows your pain and has been walking by your side all along. KMB is right. People may not know what you need until you tell them. They may avoid because they simply don't know what to say or do. Like you will come to understand, people don't know how people that have lost a significant other feel until they go through it themselves. It's a knowledge that nobody wants but we are forced to live with. Please continue to post here as we know some of your pain and you will find a wealth of knowledge, help, and compassion here. I wish you well on your journey and hope that we can be a comfort to each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted May 30, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 30, 2017 8 hours ago, Butterfly14 said: My boyfriend passed away unexpectedly on April 17. I still can not believe that he is no longer around. I am slowly getting into somewhat of a routine (if you want to call it that). I know I need to be strong and do what I know what he would want me (and us) to do. I guess the one thing I do have is my faith and the love I have for the Lord that will help me through this journey. I feel for those that are going through the same thing, I guess coming on here and talking about it will help the healing process, especially when it feels like those that are/were close to my boyfriend hasn't reached out. Butterfly14 I'm so terribly sorry for your loss and like you, I still can't believe my Charles is no longer here - and it's been almost 6 months for me. It is so refreshing to hear your comment on having your faith and God - nothing is better. If it wasn't for my faith, I would have never made it thus far. I have learned there's no storm God won't carry us through; no bridge that God won't help us cross; no battle God won't help us win; no heartache God won't help us let go of. HE is SO much bigger than anything we can imagine. HE wouldn't put something hard in our lives if HE thought we weren't strong enough to get through it. If HE brings you to it, HE will bring you through it. Continue to post here; there is a reason you are on this site at this time and on this day. It's no accident, no fate, no fluke or coincidence - it's God - whose put you where you are meant to be. God Bless and keep you, keep us all, safe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 30, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted May 30, 2017 Butterfly, I am so sorry for the loss of your boyfriend, and that people have not reached out to you. Unfortunately it is common for friends to disappear when we have loss, death makes them uncomfortable. Of course it's more than uncomfortable for us but we're left dealing with it regardless. This is a warm and caring safe place to be where others are going through similar loss and understand. I hope you will continue coming here, reading the threads and posting, it really does help to know you are heard, it validates what we are experiencing and I've learned so much from these forums. God be with you and comfort you as you continue in your grief journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted May 30, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 30, 2017 On 5/29/2017 at 11:33 AM, Butterfly14 said: My boyfriend passed away unexpectedly on April 17. I still can not believe that he is no longer around. I am slowly getting into somewhat of a routine (if you want to call it that). I know I need to be strong and do what I know what he would want me (and us) to do. I guess the one thing I do have is my faith and the love I have for the Lord that will help me through this journey. I feel for those that are going through the same thing, I guess coming on here and talking about it will help the healing process, especially when it feels like those that are/were close to my boyfriend hasn't reached out. Butterfly14 I'm sorry for you loss and know exactly what you're experiencing. It's so reassuring to hear you have your faith and the love of God. I am a strong believer in God and prayer and without the both of them, I would not have made it thus far. I know it's so hard but that pain you've been feeling can't compare with the joy that is coming. There have been times when I thought I had a grip on this *grief* thing - but I hadn't. The key word here is *I* thought - I soon realized I was nothing without God. Grief took me down to rock bottom - but God was there to bring me back up and HE did - I love and thank HIM for that. I thank HIM for all of my blessings; including my Charles and the 45 wonderful years HE allowed us to share. The most deepest level of worship is praising God in spite of the pain; thanking HIM during the trials, trusting HIM when you are tempted to lose hope and Loving HIM when HE seems so distant and far away. At your lowest, God is your hope; at your darkest, God is your light; at your weakest, God is your strength; and at your saddest, God is your comfort. I'm sending prayers up to the heavens for you and you know the saying, *When the prayers go up, God's blessings come down*. Stay Strong, and continue to love, trust and praise God for all HE has done and all HE will do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Butterfly14 Posted May 31, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted May 31, 2017 Thank you to everyone that has replied to my post. It is kind of comforting coming on here and to be able to talk. I do know that my journey has just begun and this is a new chapter in my life, in saying this, I am going to begin on doing things that my boyfriend and I have on our "bucket list" I am going honor him and what we had. Has any of you done this? Thanks again for all the comforting and kindness. God Bless you all. Butterfly14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 31, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted May 31, 2017 That sounds like a great idea, Butterfly! We didn't really have a bucket list, I think just living our lives together was all we'd ever dreamed of, but I'm sure you'll hear from others with responses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted June 1, 2017 Members Report Share Posted June 1, 2017 Butterfly14 20 hours ago, KayC said: I think just living our lives together was all we'd ever dreamed of Like KayC stated, my Charles and I didn't have a bucket list per say, we too loved and lived our lives together. And in the end it was not the years in our lives that counted, it was the life in our years that we both treasured. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 1, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted June 1, 2017 You're right, Francine, I've consoled myself with that. I didn't get 50 years with him, I didn't even get ten, but we made the most out of the time we did get together and I can have no regrets about how we lived and loved during our time together, wonderful memories. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted June 2, 2017 Members Report Share Posted June 2, 2017 KayC All I can say is AMEN! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bela Posted June 2, 2017 Members Report Share Posted June 2, 2017 On 5/29/2017 at 8:17 PM, Eagle-96 said: KMB is right. People may not know what you need until you tell them. They may avoid because they simply don't know what to say or do. Butterfly, my heart breaks for you. I lost my husband just 2 days prior to your boyfriend. Although a lot of people reached out...people we hadn't seen or talked to in over 15 years!!!....A lot of them, most of them, are now nowhere to be found. I guess some of that is to be expected. But what I'm now realizing is that I was one of those people. Never wanting to 'make' anyone hurt unnecessarily. What hurts unnecessarily is friends and family not coming to your side in your time of need. That being said though, I agree whole-heartedly with Eagle-96 & KMB. People may not know what you need until you tell them. I'm scared of the rest of my life without my husband - but sometimes I want to be alone. I like to putz around in my yard and in my garden but I need help with the weed-whacking. Maybe people should ask but...when I was on the other side of the grief looking in...I didn't. In these few short weeks, I've learned a lot about myself and others. My perspective on things is forever changed. Just as I've been too hard on myself I've also been too hard on others. I can't ask for help. I can't reach out. I have no idea why. I need help. I even want it. But I just can't. I hope you will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eagle-96 Posted June 2, 2017 Members Report Share Posted June 2, 2017 On 6/1/2017 at 8:15 PM, bela said: Butterfly, my heart breaks for you. I lost my husband just 2 days prior to your boyfriend. Although a lot of people reached out...people we hadn't seen or talked to in over 15 years!!!....A lot of them, most of them, are now nowhere to be found. I guess some of that is to be expected. But what I'm now realizing is that I was one of those people. Never wanting to 'make' anyone hurt unnecessarily. What hurts unnecessarily is friends and family not coming to your side in your time of need. That being said though, I agree whole-heartedly with Eagle-96 & KMB. People may not know what you need until you tell them. I'm scared of the rest of my life without my husband - but sometimes I want to be alone. I like to putz around in my yard and in my garden but I need help with the weed-whacking. Maybe people should ask but...when I was on the other side of the grief looking in...I didn't. In these few short weeks, I've learned a lot about myself and others. My perspective on things is forever changed. Just as I've been too hard on myself I've also been too hard on others. I can't ask for help. I can't reach out. I have no idea why. I need help. I even want it. But I just can't. I hope you will. I even get text messages from people with the caveat "I don't want to make you sad but..." when they bring up Lori. A lot of people think if they talk about your spouse that you will only feel pain. The calls and texts slow down. People go on withy their lives and move past their grief. I don't think they realize that it's not that easy for us. This pain will be with us forever while they may be able to compartmentalize their pain over losing a friend or coworker. We spent every day with our spouse it's just not that simple for us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 2, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted June 2, 2017 My mom used to tell me how much she appreciated that I would bring up my dad, that we could talk about him together, because other people would avoid talking about him, as if he'd never existed! It wasn't like he wasn't on her mind each and every day! She lived 32 years beyond the day he died, she lived alone up until she had stage 4 dementia and had to be cared for 24/7. Now I find that is my life now too, it's been 12 years for me, I can't imagine 20 more but I'm sure it'll be that and then some. They don't make us sad bringing up their name, in fact, quite the opposite. I love people bringing up George's name, it happens less and less as time goes on. It's usually ME bringing it up, but that's okay, he DID exist and he IS still important to me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted June 2, 2017 Members Report Share Posted June 2, 2017 KayC, I totally agree with you. My stepson helped me with a couple of outside chores this morning that would have taken me all summer to do on my own or just leave undone. We talked about his dad a good part of the time. It actually made me feel better and get out of the low I had been in since getting up this morning. I've actually told a few people that it is ok to speak of my husband, that is what I need. Then there are those that go *uh huh* and change the subject anyway. Maybe it makes them uncomfortable, I don't know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 3, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted June 3, 2017 17 hours ago, KMB said: Maybe it makes them uncomfortable, I don't know I think that's it. They aren't considering what's best for YOU, they're doing what's comfortable for THEM. Our culture is way messed up when it comes to loss & grief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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