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I'll bury him and then I'll join him


Nelsons

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It has been 7mths of complete and utter happiness and contentment.  We were everything to each other spent every moment together, grew amazingly close.  You know what I mean, the stuff most people dream of.  And then 2 days ago he died from a massive heart attack.  I cannot and will not imagine life without him and don't even understand why anyone would if they have what we had.  So, I will play along and bury him and then join him (of course after I get my affairs in order).  That should only take a few days.  Am I the only one who feels this way?

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I am deeply sorry. I know words don't mean much right now. You are in shock, devastated. 7 months is such a short time, but length of time doesn't matter when we are grieving. The quality of the relationship, the unconditional love you both experienced are what matters. My husband also died suddenly of cardiac arrest. I was in shock for quite awhile.

It is normal to feel that life doesn't go on without our beloveds. It is also to normal to feel that you want to join him. You won't though. But, promise us that if you do genuinely feel that you cannot go on, please call someone, a family member, trusted friend, the pastor of your church or even the suicide helpline. I was in your shoes not too long ago. We just so miss our soulmate and want to be with them. It is part of the grieving process. We do move past the stage of that way of thinking. I miss my husband every second but I would be disappointing him if I ended my life. I would be hurting those that love me here. I would be disappointing myself. The grieving does evolve, even though you probably don't believe that right now. It takes time and patience with yourself. Take care of your basic needs as well as you can. Your body, mind and spirit need their strength to cope through the coming days, weeks and months.

Please, keep coming to this forum and express you feeling and thoughts as you feel the need. Even just reading others posts will be beneficial. This forum has become my life line and I hope it becomes yours as well. Many wonderful, compassionate people here who will listen, give encouragement and hope. Only those of us who have lost a soulmate truly understand the pain, sadness, devastation, loneliness. Prayers of peace and comfort to you.  (HUGS)

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Nelsons

No words said by anyone will take your pain away. As KMB said, we here know what you are going through as we have been dealt such a sucky hand as well..I am not sure if you have a relationship with God, and I am will never be the one to force God on you, but if you have never tried him, please do. GOD'S grace is sufficient. GOD and my unborn son was and still is my motivation to keep going on. Your love doesn't want you to suffer in pain, your love wants you to continue to live life. The hardest part is finding a new normal without your love being on this earth. Trust and believe that he is going to be with you every step of the way through this terrible.journey. I know it's most definitely not going to be the same, however he will ALWAYS be with you. Talk to him, laugh with him, even tell him How much you are hurting. He will listen. Not only will he hear you, GOD will as well and he will comfort you.. Hold on, things are going to work out for you. 

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1 hour ago, Nelsons said:

It has been 7mths of complete and utter happiness and contentment.  We were everything to each other spent every moment together, grew amazingly close.  You know what I mean, the stuff most people dream of.  And then 2 days ago he died from a massive heart attack.  I cannot and will not imagine life without him and don't even understand why anyone would if they have what we had.  So, I will play along and bury him and then join him (of course after I get my affairs in order).  That should only take a few days.  Am I the only one who feels this way?

I'm terribly sorry for your loss and the sorrow you've now found yourself drowning in. This is a place, a depth of sadness no one ever imagines themselves in, and it's devastating. You stand in what was once your life, now a decimated ruin of what was. Pieces of who you were, where you thought you'd be, scattered and unrecognizable. Believe me, I know, the others here, they know, and I'm saddened that yet another poor soul has lost their beloved. My marriage, nearly 25 years, was one of enduring certainty, one that had the promise of "forever". That promise won't be realized in this world, I'll have to hope for the next one. She passed away New Year's Eve, 5 months ago. We were as close, as open and honest as two people can get, children, illness and sickness, joy and heartache, life lived and celebrated, I had it all, everything I could ever want or need. Our daughter lost her devoted mom, my parents a cherished daughter in law, I lost my everything. I know what you feel, I still feel it occasionally, but the raw intensity has eased off, the shock all but gone. This grief will evolve over time, new dimensions of pain will hit you out of nowhere, you'll realize things, as time goes by, that you hadn't considered. This pain will intensify, then ease off, you'll think "ok, I can do this", right before you're on the floor sobbing until it hurts to breathe. BUT it will get "easier", you have NO reason to believe me, none, especially now, all I can do is ask that you trust me. Please. Your love of live, in what ever way you chose to embrace life, is one of the things that drew your beloved to you. That life, it's still there, in you, it didn't die, though it feels like it did. Trust me, I know, I felt like my life was over. Granted, we have a daughter I had to look after, I was needed, my work not finished. I imagine, whether you realize it or not, you have people who love you, need you, want to help anyway they can, want to see you come through this. I don't know you, obviously, but I want to see you come through this. Right now, you feel completely alone, and in many ways, you are. Here though, you aren't by yourself, you're in good, terrible, sad company, but this "family" will embrace you, help anyway we can with advice, compassion and no judging. If we can help share your burden, we will. I believe, without question, that one of the key reasons I'm at the place I'm at now is because of this forum. Beautiful people who wield an unfortunate wisdom born of loss, willing to share their pain to help others cope with theirs. 

There aren't any rules for your grief, other than self care. Eat, hydrate (avoid alcohol) and maybe most important, get plenty of sleep. This is crucial. Being "strong" is too much to expect of yourself, be weak, be scared, cry, scream, be angry at God, the universe, fate, whatever, sob, be alone, keep company, just be alive. Being "weak" will reveal strength, you'll surprise yourself. Reach out, trusted friends and/or family, clergy/faith based help, here, whatever you need, tell and ask. Professional grief counselors are trained for this, local grief groups are a very good source of support. Just reach out. 

Time doesn't heal all wounds, that's proven to be false. It does allow us to cope and accept this "new reality", to better process the grief. Realize it'll always be a part of you, acknowledge it, let it run its course, it'll allow you to understand how it'll effect you, you'll cope all the better for it. You, me, all those here, we've all been changed, life has been altered forever, and I'm still struggling to put my pieces back together. In fact, I'm still trying find reasons, a purpose if you will, to look for happiness. I'm trying though, I won't stop, my wife believed in me, she helped make me the person I am today, and I think anything less than at least TRYING would be letting her down. Our beloveds didn't love us in vain, they wanted us then and they want us now to find some happiness. It's how I choose to honor my wife, to honor her legacy of living life the best she could. 

I'm sorry my reply ended up being so long, but your pain is so apparent, so overwhelming, I wanted to implore you to reach out, to know that you aren't alone in how you feel. May you find some rest, peace and a measure of comfort. I'm thinking of you and praying for you,

Andy

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Why can't we just give up?  What's so bad about that?  My kids are grown and although they would be hurt, I think they would understand.  I have people coming to the house, but I just don't want anyone near me but I don't want to be alone.  I want my Bobby back, my future my day to day life revolved around each other.  We had plans, now it's all gone.  His daughter rightfully wants his stuff and I understand...but I don't want to let them go.  But then I do cause when I'm gone she may not get them.  Right now I am planning my own exit to this world, but I'm scared I won't find him in the hereafter.  I needed him to breath,  to continue on

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Please reconsider this decision. You're pain is intense right now and I don't want you to do something so rash and final.   Please come here anytime you feel this feeling. We know the despair you feel right now and we are here for you anytime.  I encourage you to call the suicide hotline. As they are much better at dealing with the feelings you have at this moment.  Think of your intense pain and despair at this moment.  Would you want to put your loved ones in your position right now. Again, I implore you to contact someone that can help you. 1-800-273-8255.

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14 hours ago, Nelsons said:

It has been 7mths of complete and utter happiness and contentment.  We were everything to each other spent every moment together, grew amazingly close.  You know what I mean, the stuff most people dream of.  And then 2 days ago he died from a massive heart attack.  I cannot and will not imagine life without him and don't even understand why anyone would if they have what we had.  So, I will play along and bury him and then join him (of course after I get my affairs in order).  That should only take a few days.  Am I the only one who feels this way?

Are you the only one that feels this way?  Suicidal thoughts are common in grief, but I want to strongly exhort you that to act on it is to remove all hope...it transfers your pain to your children.  I am a Christian and while I believe God understands the pain we're in and may consider that...there are those who believe that suicide condemns you to hell...what if I'm wrong and they're right?  We're talking eternity and that's too big a gamble for me to wager.  I guess that tiny seed of doubt kept me from acting on it, that combined with what it would do to my kids.  Suicide seems a very selfish act, I understand that people who commit suicide aren't selfish people, they are people who can't seem to find another way out or through their life.  It's important to get help when we feel like that.

Google suicide hotlines and you'll find a number of them.  Please make an appointment with a grief counselor asap!  They are trained to help us through this maze of grief.  There are a number of things you can do to help yourself through it, things you're not thinking of right now because suicide is crowding out all thoughts of making your way through this.  I believe coming here is a good start, it is a literal cry for help, and I want you to know we hear you, we've been there, we are all making our way through this together and we'll be glad to be here for you on your grief journey.  You will have him again, but give yourself a chance to get through this first and give your life a chance to continue it's natural order.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html

I've heard it said that to commit suicide is to transfer our pain to our loved ones.  As someone who has seen suicide first hand, I can attest that this is so.  It's the most horrible thing anyone can have to go through, to lose a loved one that way.

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

I've heard it said that to commit suicide is to transfer our pain to our loved ones.

Sorry, but I can't agree the least bit. One commits suicide when the pain is just too intense to cope with and there's no hope of relief. The pain the loved ones will feel only adds to the anguish and makes it even harder to go that way. They have no intention to lay their burdon on their loved ones.

Nelsons,

still I do agree with the others, don't even think about leaving right now. When my wife left me, I wanted to join her too, but couldn't because of my stepdaughter. But also because my wife wanted me to learn to live again and find way to enjoy life without her. I still don't know how, but we never should make such final decisions in state when we are just sad, angry, confused, empty etc.
Give yourself some time to grief and to understand what happened and what it means towards you future. I know you feel like you have no future and maybe in the end you decide life is really not worth living anymore. But in the first few months you just have to hang in and not act based upon frustration and grief.

Marcel

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Nelsons, Please, sit down, take a bunch of deep breaths, relax, and really think things through. Andy, Eagle-96, KayC, all gave great advice, encouraging words of support. As a grief family collectively here, we all care about you. You think your children might understand, but they won't. They will feel that Bobby means more to you then they do. They will feel that their lives, the things you will miss out on with them, don't matter to you. They will feel anger, extreme pain, remorse that their own existence in your life didn't mean anything to you. We have all been in that dark place you find yourself in right now. The pain has to be faced in order to find yourself on the other side of it. You will be with Bobby again, but you have to finish out the life that you were  given here first. Just remember, suicide, if successful, is permanent. You will not be able to undo it. Depending on the means of suicide, you could also end up not succeeding, end up in a hospital hooked up to machines, disabled or mentally impaired. Medications, such as anti-depressants, sleeping aids, even pain meds are now devised in such a way to prevent people from using them as suicide measures. The stomach will naturally cause you to throw up if too many are taken. So, please, call someone or the suicide helpline. Reach out to someone who can be there and help you. Reach out to us here. Someone here is usually online.  (HUGS)

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Sorry, Marcel. Our posts coincided here. We must have hit submit reply at the same time otherwise I would have included your name in my post to Nelsons.

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Nelsons,

I'm so sorry for your loss and know the pain you are experiencing.  I've been on this journey five months (June 6 will be six months) and I know, only too well, the type of love you and your soulmate shared.   I too could not imagine life without my Charles  - we had been married for nearly 45 years and had a love right out of the fairytale books.  He was and still is my prince, my life, my love, my heart; my world. If I'm being truly honest with myself, my mind still have difficulty accepting the fact that he is gone.   I had your thoughts thinking my life on this earth was done; that was it for me; case closed; didn't want to stay around here for anything or anyone; after all, my life was over - for all practical purposes, I died the day he did; only thing, they forgot to bury me.   But KMB is right in her post.  

17 hours ago, KMB said:

is normal to feel that life doesn't go on without our beloveds. It is also to normal to feel that you want to join him. You won't though. But, promise us that if you do genuinely feel that you cannot go on, please call someone, a family member, trusted friend, the pastor of your church or even the suicide helpline. I was in your shoes not too long ago. We just so miss our soulmate and want to be with them. It is part of the grieving process. We do move past the stage of that way of thinking. I miss my husband every second but I would be disappointing him if I ended my life. I would be hurting those that love me here. I would be disappointing myself.

Like you and KMB, I too lost my Charles to a massive heart attack, unexpectedly; didn't see it coming; wasn't expecting it; it hit me like a ton of bricks or better yet, like my heart was literally ripped from my chest and every time I touched my chest, there was this gaping hole.  After many nights of suffering and countless emotions, I realized that my Charles would not have wanted me to stay in this state of mind.  He would have wanted me to live my life to its fullest.  I know your soulmate would want you to do the same.  I truly believe, and after much prayer, I know that in Gods plan, every life is long enough and every death, timely.   Of course we wish for a longer life, but we must trust God - HE knows best.  While we are shaking our heads in disbelief, they are lifting their hands in worship; while we are mourning their passing, they are marveling at heaven; while we are questioning God,  they are praising HIM.  We all have a specific time and a task to complete while on this earth; and your loved one completed his task and was called home.   When your task is complete, you too will be called home.    Each life is a precious, priceless gift given by God.  There's a lot that is good in your life - don't take it for granted - don't rush it or rush through it - don't get to focused on your struggles that you miss the gift of today.

I urge you to seek help if you continue on this way.  Losing your love one is hard, one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do.  If you feel you need to step back and get  away from things for a bit, do exactly what you need to do for yourself to gain clarity again.   Right now, everything seems like it's falling apart, but know that's when God is putting things together just the way HE wants it.  You'll never see all the awesome things ahead of you if you keep looking back at all the bad things behind you.  

I hope you continue to post; we are all here in the space and time for reason - to uplift one another - definitely - but more than that - to learn from and love one another.

Be Bless because you are blessed; stay strong because you are strong; and love God because HE has and always will love you.

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1 hour ago, Francine said:

Like you and KMB, I too lost my Charles to a massive heart attack, unexpectedly; didn't see it coming; wasn't expecting it; it hit me like a ton of bricks or better yet, like my heart was literally ripped from my chest and every time I touched my chest, there was this gaping hole.  After many nights of suffering and countless emotions, I realized that my Charles would not have wanted me to stay in this state of mind.  He would have wanted me to live my life to its fullest.  I know your soulmate would want you to do the same.

I also lost my beloved Pat suddenly to a hear attack.  There are no words to describe the shock.  Francine is right....Pat would also want me to continue living my life to the fullest, the best I could.  I know he doesn't want me to be hurting so bad, but it is a process we all must face, deal with, and get through to the other side.  A long, difficult, painful process, but we can and will do it.  I pray for strength every day from both God and Pat.  They are watching over me just as each of our loved ones are watching over us and giving us the strength to get through this.  I pray for all of us.

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2 hours ago, HHFaith said:

They are watching over me just as each of our loved ones are watching over us and giving us the strength to get through this.

That, they are.  We never lose our loved ones; they still accompany us; they don't disappear from our lives; they are merely in different forms.   Unseen, perhaps, unheard but always near; they are forever missed, still loved and held so dear.    God Bless you and keep you going.

 
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5 hours ago, Marcel said:

Sorry, but I can't agree the least bit. One commits suicide when the pain is just too intense to cope with and there's no hope of relief. The pain the loved ones will feel only adds to the anguish and makes it even harder to go that way. They have no intention to lay their burdon on their loved ones.

Nelsons,

still I do agree with the others, don't even think about leaving right now. When my wife left me, I wanted to join her too, but couldn't because of my stepdaughter. But also because my wife wanted me to learn to live again and find way to enjoy life without her. I still don't know how, but we never should make such final decisions in state when we are just sad, angry, confused, empty etc.
Give yourself some time to grief and to understand what happened and what it means towards you future. I know you feel like you have no future and maybe in the end you decide life is really not worth living anymore. But in the first few months you just have to hang in and not act based upon frustration and grief.

Marcel

Marcel, perhaps you didn't understand what I was quoting.  We have pain, we commit suicide, now instead of us having pain, our family/friends have it.  That's what it means by transferring our pain to others. I never said anyone has the intention of laying their burden on their loved ones.  I doubt most are thinking about them when they commit suicide...they are overcome by their own pain and want out of it.

http://bluehackers.org/2015/09/24/suicide-doesnt-take-away-the-pain-it-gives-it-to-someone-else

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5 hours ago, KayC said:

Marcel, perhaps you didn't understand what I was quoting.  We have pain, we commit suicide, now instead of us having pain, our family/friends have it.  That's what it means by transferring our pain to others. I never said anyone has the intention of laying their burden on their loved ones.  I doubt most are thinking about them when they commit suicide...they are overcome by their own pain and want out of it.

http://bluehackers.org/2015/09/24/suicide-doesnt-take-away-the-pain-it-gives-it-to-someone-else

Exactly. You took my words before I could respond. Intent doesn't matter, it seldom does. Action creates discernible effects, and in this case, catastrophic ones. 

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6 hours ago, Francine said:

That, they are.  We never lose our loved ones; they still accompany us; they don't disappear from our lives; they are merely in different forms.   Unseen, perhaps, unheard but always near; they are forever missed, still loved and held so dear.    God Bless you and keep you going.

 

Yes, so very true. Well said. 

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8 hours ago, KayC said:

Marcel, perhaps you didn't understand what I was quoting.  We have pain, we commit suicide, now instead of us having pain, our family/friends have it.  That's what it means by transferring our pain to others.

I did understand what you were quoting. Suicide causes pain but it's not their pain we feel and it's not transferred. The quote just sounds judgemental to me because it implies that we know the pain they have felt.

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Had to go to the funeral home today to see him.  His daughter was with me and it actually helped.  Afterwards we went out to dinner and talked about him and shared some life stuff,  it was the first time I smiled or laughed or even ate since this happened.  Somehow, being with his daughter and her being with me helped us both to feel calm.  I haven't had that feeling since before this whole nightmare started.  Not to say that once we went our separate ways the flood of emotions hit me like a ton of bricks.  Do you think my love/her daddy was with us both when we were together?  She keeps telling me that she can feel him with her.  I haven't yet, until his daughter and I got together, then I had such a peace or calming. 

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Nelsons,

having someone at your side who also feels the loss can really help. Being with my stepdaughter helped me a lot these past months. And when we went to see my wife at the funeral home we both felt her presence. Being at her grave gives me nothing, but in our house I can often feel her around me. At first my stepdaughter thought it would be uncomfortable to be in the house her mother died in, but after she moved back in she noticed that her mum's warmth is still present here.

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3 hours ago, Nelsons said:

Had to go to the funeral home today to see him.  His daughter was with me and it actually helped.  Afterwards we went out to dinner and talked about him and shared some life stuff,  it was the first time I smiled or laughed or even ate since this happened.  Somehow, being with his daughter and her being with me helped us both to feel calm.  I haven't had that feeling since before this whole nightmare started.  Not to say that once we went our separate ways the flood of emotions hit me like a ton of bricks.  Do you think my love/her daddy was with us both when we were together?  She keeps telling me that she can feel him with her.  I haven't yet, until his daughter and I got together, then I had such a peace or calming. 

I'm happy you had his daughter to accompany you and I'm pretty sure she was just as happy.  And Yes, I'm confident that he was there with you both perhaps calming you both and yes, I do believe her when she says she can feel his presence.  I too have felt my Charles' presence as well, and it is such a peaceful experience.  God gives us that calming peace.  HIS words are true and in John 14:27 it reads, "Peace, I leave you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid"

I think it was important you both to share your memories about him; in the long run it will help you both heal; the more you share, the more both of you have. Storytelling, in a sense, is sharing happiness and I am delighted you both were able to share your happiness to one another.  I hope you continue to have those *talks* about him, and know he'll be there in spirit when you do. 

Stay strong and God Bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

 

 

 

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5 hours ago, Marcel said:

I did understand what you were quoting. Suicide causes pain but it's not their pain we feel and it's not transferred. The quote just sounds judgemental to me because it implies that we know the pain they have felt.

No judgment intended at all!  I'm sorry this is your perception, but I can assure you I have no judgment, I merely hate to see others suffering and suicide does leave fallout.

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5 hours ago, Nelsons said:

Had to go to the funeral home today to see him.  His daughter was with me and it actually helped.  Afterwards we went out to dinner and talked about him and shared some life stuff,  it was the first time I smiled or laughed or even ate since this happened.  Somehow, being with his daughter and her being with me helped us both to feel calm.  I haven't had that feeling since before this whole nightmare started.  Not to say that once we went our separate ways the flood of emotions hit me like a ton of bricks.  Do you think my love/her daddy was with us both when we were together?  She keeps telling me that she can feel him with her.  I haven't yet, until his daughter and I got together, then I had such a peace or calming. 

I like to think George can hear me, I talk to him all the time.  

I'm glad you had a chance to smile or laugh, even that brief respite can help so much!

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Nelsons, Your soulmate came through for you from the other side. The peace, calmness, you and his daughter felt was him giving you that gift. It is a balm for our soul to talk about and share stories of our beloveds. My own belief is that they can see, hear us,they love hearing them being remembered. They are always with us, just in a different way. I know it is not the same as having them physically here. It is a long road of pain, loneliness, in adapting to that loss. They are with us in spirit and we are never truly alone. (HUGS)

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Nelsons,

Sorry for your loss. You are not alone, Each and everyone here knows what you are going through. Please don't plan or think that, God has a plan we may not know for now but keep this in mind that we are here for a reason. Stay strong and pray always. We can survive this!

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I sure wish this place had a "like" button, I love you guys' responses!

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On 5/29/2017 at 11:48 PM, KayC said:

I sure wish this place had a "like" button, I love you guys' responses!

My thoughts exactly.

Please though, call the suicide hotline.  I think most of not all of us have looked into the abyss...I was there night before last - had the number punched into my phone.  The pain was so bad.  But somewhere I know that my two girls and my grandbaby... they need me and would be so incredibly hurt.   I love them too much to actually do it but damn...it feels close.

Call them.  Please.

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Thinking of you, Nelsons. We're here for you when you need us.

Sending you strength and hugs X

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Nelsons, I hope you're okay, as well as can be expected. Just thinking about you. 

Peace and comfort,

Andy

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bradley1985
On 5/28/2017 at 0:26 PM, Marcel said:

Give yourself some time to grief and to understand what happened and what it means towards you future. I know you feel like you have no future and maybe in the end you decide life is really not worth living anymore.

I am doing this.  But how long?  six months?  I arbitrarily selected a year.  I figure if my life isnt living after a year it never will be.

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It takes longer than a year, give yourself time to process this and begin to build your life, it takes much time.  We have to commit for the long haul or we shortchange ourselves.  I get your feelings, but please give yourself the gift of time and hope.

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bradley1985, Please, just take your time. There are no set rules or a concrete time frame you should be setting for yourself. We are not able to force ourselves emotionally or mentally into keeping a time frame for where or what we think we should be doing or not doing. Take in KayC's words. She has been on this journey for 12 years. For myself, I'm taking it day by day and will most likely be doing it this way for a very long time.I don't know what my future holds. The best way, for me, is to just let it unfold naturally and go with the flow.  Take care of yourself.

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