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Selfless

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I recently lost my father.  He raised me.  He raised my siblings.  He was the most selfless man I have EVER known.  My heart is broken,  I do not know if it will ever heal...  I do not live in my hometown anymore or around my siblings.  We all stay in contact regularly, but I long for a home that no longer exists.  I am an emotional person by nature, but this is beyond anything I have ever felt.  I catch myself avoiding his photos, not being able to speak of him often, tears streaming down my face at the most random times.  My heart hurts so bad.  I wasn't expecting him to leave.  I wasn't expecting to feel so alone.  I have a support group, but the pain never leaves and it is hard to not feel like a burden.  I am now in counseling and am ordering books, etc.  I don't know why I am here on this forum today but I felt compelled to find ANYTHING!  I do not know if I will stay, I do not know if I will go,  I do not know how to function right now.  I am no longer the woman I once was.  I am hoping time will help me process this grief.  I want to live the life he would have wanted for me.  All I feel is gray.

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My sympathies on your loss.  It's a lot to take in, a lot to recover from.  My opinion is that we heal, but it takes us to a different place in life.  Everything that breaks can be mended, but it always leaves a crack.  Break a bone, it'll heal, but it will always be more delicate in that spot.  Break a vase and piece it back together, but there will be marks.  So when we break, when our proverbial heart breaks, there will always be traces of it.  When we lose someone we love that much, there's going to be a break and there's going to be a change.  Your dad, my mom, imprinted on us throughout their lives, and they imprint on us again in passing, just differently.  But we do heal.  You will get through this, but there will always be triggers to face and there will always be a tenderness to that old wound.  It's hard to get through, but when someone is important enough they're gonna leave a mark.  

You are NOT a burden.  You're a person going through a painful transition.  You're entitled to your grief and your thoughts and feelings, you're entitled to expressing them and you're entitled to your recovery, just as much as everyone else is.  You do whatever you need to do to get through this.  Never forget that it's your journey you have to take.  Take care of yourself.  And give yourself a break.  It certainly isn't an easy journey to make. 

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Thank you.  I am sorry for your loss.  It is definitely not easy.  No matter how I want to believe, there is no book...

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Hugs Selfless ... I am so sorry for your loss.  The pain of the loss cuts like a knife ... whether it is expected or sudden we are left feeling the same, lost, deeply sad and with a heavy heart.  Like The Girl says, we do heal but it takes time.  I lost both parents in an 11 month period and was still grieving the loss of my mom when my dad left us.  That was in 2013/2014 and a day doesn't go by that I don't think of my mom & dad.  That being said, it does get better.  I found that "time" is a good healer and so are "tears."  So give yourself time to feel grounded again and if the tears start coming, let them flow.  I am glad that you have a support group and are seeing a counsellor.  We don't have to go through this alone....there is good help out there and many good people who have been through this and totally understand.  

I want to respond to something you said in your post.  First, please don't think that I am a bible thumper ... I am a believer in Jesus and what he has to say to us in the bible.  To be honest with you, even with all of the wonderful people who were there for me in my losses, it was my faith in Jesus that got me through that dark time in my life.  So you see Selfless....there is a book!  Let me end this post telling you that I am glad that you came here because the good people here can relate and are very supportive.  Also I'd like to share a scripture that brought me great comfort when my parents were taken "home."   

John 14

Jesus Comforts His Disciples

14 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God[a]; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”

I got great comfort in knowing that Jesus Himself comes to get us when it is our time.  I've also read in the bible that we WILL be reunited with our loved ones when it is our turn to go "home."  

Take care 

Cindy Jane

 

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