Still hurts

[Drembeyn]

Hello, my name is Dre Beynon I'm 24 yrs old. 6 yrs ago today I lost my son. He lost the battle he was what is considered a micro preemie. I haven't really tried to reach out for help or to talk to anyone in all these years. Honestly I've been scared to confront these feelings. I feel as if it's not getting easier but harder as the years pass, I am told by loved ones that it's because I have never truly faced it head on and learned to at the very least try to cope. Instead I spend so much time trying to be ok on the outside that my inside is falling to pieces. I feel like maybe talking to someone who has lost a child may help. Where do I really start with Alexander's story? I'm scared to get this out and to talk about it but I feel that I must. He was born 3 months premature 1lb 15 oz he only ever let out one audible squeek before the tube was set for the respirator. They cleaned him up warmed him and placed him I side of a little glass tank which is where he would spend the remainder of his life. I forever feel guilty because from the beginning I was scared to love him scared to get attached I was 18 and terrified. I found work and tried to throw myself into it while spending my off time at the hospital reading to him reaching in to brush my hand over his head or see if he'd wrap his little fingers around mine. This was of course after having to sanitize myself to my elbows first. Guilt was a constant it seemed to almost consume every second of everyday this was my son I shouldn't struggle with my emotions so much. He slowly got stronger and even gained almost an entire lb. My favorite nicu nurse even started calling him by his first name. I had hope maybe he would make it maybe I'd get to hold my son and watch him grow. Until I received a phone call asking to set a pick line in his shoulder as all of his other veins had receeded. I ok the procedure after talking it over with his mother. That night I worked a double shift and didn't stop in to see him before going home. I woke up to my phone and the house phone ringing of the hook. It was the hospital calling they said " you need to get down here this may be your last chance to see your son." I was numb to my core I didn't know what to feel as we rushed to the hospital. When we arrived we rushed to the NICU to find them doing compressions to try to bring him back. I sat there for what felt like years as his little heart would stop and start again over and over before finally it was over. I remember very vividly his heart started 25 times but they couldn't get it started again not the 26th time. My world came crashing down. They nurses swaddled him and asked if I wanted to hold him...I couldn't do it I couldn't hold my son after all the want for nothing but that exact thing I just couldn't do it. I couldn't look at him how could I he wasn't there anymore I was lost and scared and confused my son just passed before my very eyes and they tried to hand him to me after the fact. I felt sick and alone in the world. I broke that very moment to never be the fun loving happy go lucky outgoing person I was before. I've felt lost every since trying to cope on my own as I had little support and felt burdenous to my loved ones. I've relived that night a million times over like it's on a constant loop always there. I spent the first month after his passing taking care of him though he wasn't really there in my mind he was. My family just let it continue never thinking to get me help. Not until I became a problem to them that is when I couldn't take it anymore and tried to harm myself not only was I hospitalized but my family saw fit to get a restraining order as I was obviously a dangerous to them. I have now spent years in and out of hospitals always scared to say anything just acting right until they will release me. But, it's time for me to talk time to try and confront my loss, I'm really scared to post this what will people think? I just want to feel like someone understands like maybe I'm not the only one and maybe in not wrong to be so broken inside....

[Tommy's mum]

drembeyn I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son Alexander. You are absolutely correct in realising you need to properly grieve for your son even though it happened 6 years ago. You were not able to grieve at the time too shocked and scared and trying to be normal and move on. Your family have not been so supportive of you which is very sad as you need all the help and support you can get. I used to be a nurse in the NICU and have seen what parents like you suffered with the premature birth and fight for survival it is incredibly tough. It is very common for parents to be afraid of bonding with their preemie so do not feel you are a bad person or cold for not being upto holding him. It is best to be able to find a supportive therapist so that along with medication and or treatment you are able to finally be able to talk about losing Alexander and how you feel. Although it is scary to face it will be a relief to unburden yourself and acknowledge that he did exist. The most active thread on this site is Loss of an Adult Child where we would love you to join us. It is for anyone who lost a child of any age from prebirth to adulthood and has many wise and caring members who would help support you.

[My girl is in heaven]

Drembeyn  I am sorry this is so late in response. I thought I had already responded.  I lost my daughter six years ago too.  She was 17 and collapsed in the tub.  I did not address my grief either.  I went along thru the funeral and every thing for a very long time very much in shock and denial.  No emotions at all.  I was on psych drugs for over five years to the point I hardly knew my own name and still wasn't grieving.  This past January on her birthday I had a total meltdown at the cemetery and all that grief for almost six yeArs came pouring out. I too lived with the guilt of not grieving at the time.  You can not run from your grief.  It will just eat you up in side.  I am so sorry you lost your precious Alexander and am sorry you haven't had any support.  Like Tommys mom said come to Loss of an adult child where we will all help you.  You are not wrong to feel broken inside.  After all you lost a child and there is absolutely nothing worse that anyone can experience.