Dad died 2 months ago, time is not helping..

[milamila]

This might be a long post since I am desperate to talk about this to someone who will understand… My dad passed away about two months ago. It was completely unexpected, he had just seen a doctor the previous month and was told he was completely healthy. He got a stroke and was unconscious immediately after. I live overseas so I had to flight back home, I made it on time to say goodbye (he was unconscious the whole time but I believe he could hear me), we stayed with him all the time at the hospital until his heart stopped. I hadn’t seen him in a year. I decided to spend last christmas traveling with some friends I don’t even like instead of spending it with my parents, my plan was to travel with my friends on Christmas and spend this whole summer with my parents…  I regret it so so much… 

I thought the first month was going to be the worst, so when it was over I felt like I had “survived” this, however this second month has been awful. During the first few weeks I had to be strong, I knew that if I allowed myself to cry I wouldn’t be able to stop and I needed to take care of the funeral arrangements, be strong for my mom, look into his bank accounts and figure out how to pay the bills, etc. Now that all of that is almost over I have to face the fact that my dad is not here anymore and I will never see him or talk to him again. It is now all too real and it’s almost unbearable. I can’t believe that I can’t just text him or call him… I miss him so much.. I dread seeing my friends because I know they are going to ask me how I feel or look at me with pity (they have the best intentions but it’s so hard to deal with that right now), there are only a couple of friends I am comfortable around. I feel like people think it’s time for me to go back to my “normal” life. My boyfriend has been extremely supportive, but even him sometimes pushes me to go out with friends, he doesn’t want me to get depressed which I get, but I am also not ready to be social and pretend I am ok when I am clearly not. It is easy for me to fall asleep, but waking up is the hardest. I’m not even tired or sleepy anymore, but my options are “starting a new day” or “going back to sleep” so I choose the second option over and over until I start feeling very guilty for not getting up so I finally do it.. it’s like this every day and it is exhausting. It’s affecting my job, my relationship, and my life.

This month has been specially hard for my mom too. She is really depressed, whenever I talk to her she is crying. It’s only me and my sister and we both live overseas, we are trying to be with her as much as we can but at some point we both have to get back to work and won’t be able to visit her as often. My mom doesn’t want to come live with me (she doesn’t know the language and doesn’t really know anyone where I live) so she is going to have live on her own back home. I am scared to death that something will happen to her, she has a history of depression and she is falling into that again. I wish I could take her pain away somehow but I have no idea how. 

I guess my questions are: How are people dealing with the depression of the remaining parent? and ,is this ever going to get easier? It seems like time it's only making it worst and it’s never going to get better, but if it doesn’t then I have no idea how I am supposed to go on feeling this much pain day after day.

[The Girl]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad.  It's common for it to hit harder after you get through all the arrangements and everything else that keeps you busy after.  Two months is still very early on in the grieving process.  I'm at about 3 & 1/2 months now.  Some things have gotten easier...I'm better at distracting myself now and I'm less moody towards others.  But the shock, the sadness, going between denial and crippling realization, and missing my mom desperately hasn't changed.  I've read and listened to so many others experiences and have come to the conclusion that those feelings of deep loss and missing our parents will stay with us forever, but that we'll also adapt to our new lives and eventually even find a reason to smile when remembering them.  

There will be people in your life who truly care about how you're doing and what you're going through, who will sincerely sympathize with you, but can't at all relate.  The normal people with their normal lives who love you dearly - that's how I see them.  Your boyfriend, your close friends...they will all be there for you as they know how.  And that's okay.  I suspect at some point it'll even be nice to be around normal, unbroken people.  But it's going to take awhile.  I would suggest seeking out that friend or acquaintance, family member no matter how old (this type of loss doesn't lessen with age), or a support group or therapist who CAN relate to you.  Everyone you love has something to offer you throughout your grieving process, but no one person can offer everything you need.  The best way out of your grief is to go through it.  Same goes for your mom.  Maybe you can lean on each through this?  I'm letting my dad and brothers grieve however they need to.  None of them are very open to talking about it, but I try to just be sensitive about that. 

It will eventually start to get a little easier.  If you're able to, do something for yourself.  Whatever you used to enjoy, see if it helps take your mind off things for a bit.  You will get through this.

[Luna1]

I'm so sorry for your loss, I resonate with so much of what you're writing. I lost my father 5 months ago to cancer and I had the same "oh, this is not so bad" reaction until it came down hard on me. My problems have been more on the fact that i don't want to be part of my family anymore, which is wierd, but maye its common also in some way.

Anyway, regarding my mother in all of this, we and she has done evertthing so she's not alone too much of the time. First she stayed with us for a cpl of weeks and now she's with her sister abroad. Does your mother have any relatives she can visit? Any friends? If not there must be a therapist closeby she can lean on? You shouldn't be burdened with your mother at this point even though I know its hard. She has to take care of her own sorrow and deal with it head on.

Is just how we did it on our family..much love to you

[HaloChild]

Hi,

I completely understand you, i lost my dad last year and it's about to make a year and 3 months tomorrow. He died of heart failure. And i guess to answer your question on if it gets easier. I ask myself that all the time. I was like you for the first weeks, had to put on a brave face, funeral arrangements, packing his things, dealing with his mail, bills and etc. And the thing is we kind of saw it coming, for 3 months he was in the hospital and durning the last week we were told he was gonna come home and be better, but things just turned around. My mom doesnt like to talk about it and i dont blame her, they were divorced. I know it still hurts her. I guess just the only thing you can do for your mom is what you are already doing, love her, support her but most importantly let her know you are there and she isnt alone. I dont think it gets easier, its a year now for me and its harder than ever. Some days are harder than others, and then again they are all hard. We lost a parent, and that is a great loss, someone who was an immensly huge part of our worlds. My heart breaks every time I think that I won't ever see my father again and how i think when his heart stop beating how i held on tight to his legs. 

Just know take it day by day and listen you deal with this in any way because only you know what your going through, only you know how much it hurts. If you don't want to go out, then don't. Im very sorry because it hurts so much more than words can explain and more than tears can fall. And sometimes it just feels like you cant face the world and everything too much to carry. But have hope, faith and love. Also your dad loves you and is proud of you each day, it would break his heart to see you hurting but he believes in you that you have the strength and courage and warmth to get through this.

Sending you good vibes and love. 

[milamila]

Thank you so much for your words. And I am so deeply sorry for your loss, I know how much this hurts. Just reading your messages and knowing that I am not alone has been of great help. As I said before, I don’t have many friends that have gone through the loss of a parent, so I feel very lonely and isolated sometimes. I am currently visiting my mom, and each day is harder than the last one.. friends and relatives keep saying “time will help” but at this point it feels like the opposite. Reading about your experiences has made me realize there is no “deadline”  to stop grieving, this is something we will carry with us forever. I talked to my mom and she will start going to counselling, which I think will be very helpful for her. And I agree with you, all I can do is let her know I am here for her and  that I love her.. as much as I want to take her pain away we all have to go through our own grieving process.

The Girl: thank you so much for your advice of doing something for myself. I am trying to do that. To be honest at times I feel like I’m being selfish, like I shouldn’t be enjoying anything right now, which I know it’s not true.. so I am pushing myself to do little things like going to the movies, or going shopping, mindless things that I do just for myself. I try to remind myself how happy it made my dad to see me happy, and wherever he is I am sure he still wants me to be happy.

Luna1: my mom will stay with me for some time and she might stay with some relatives afterwards. I have been so focused on my mom’s grieving process that I stopped focusing on my own, so I will look for counselling as soon as I get back home too. I was thinking about what you said about not wanting to be part of your family anymore. I don’t know if this is similar to what you have been going through, but sometimes I feel the same way regarding certain close members of my family. We have different views on how to deal with my dad’s loss and with life in general, so sometimes I feel like I am just done with them.. for good. However, I am sure my dad wouldn’t want his passing to break off the family so I am trying so hard to be patient and understanding even though it’s extremely hard at times.

HaloChild. Thank you so much for your message. Sometimes I find myself wishing the pain will go away and wishing to be happy and carefree again, but (and I don’t know if this is weird) sometimes I almost don’t want the pain to go away because this pain connects me to my dad somehow, it’s like I don’t want to stop grieving because I don’t want to stop remembering him and loving him.  I know the pain of our loss will be with us for the rest of our lives, in any happy moment / big achievement, there will always be something missing… but I really do hope things get easier with time.

 

[HaloChild]

Milamila 

thank you for being so open with me and others, it is very hard especially if you have no other friends who are going through this. People in my life try to be sympathic but i know its hard for them since they don't know what its like. Sometimes it helps to know there are others like you and others on this site that been through it. And sometimes it doesn't. But i think its part of our grief and huge loss that makes us have mixed emotions, mixed thoughts and in the end its only because we miss them and we are hurting. I find that myself too hoping and waiting for the day where i feel happy and alive, but also like you said i don't want it to go away at times. It even scares, i don't think its weird because its our emotions and our feelings that are real and they come from something so beautiful and tragic. It's a tradgey when someone dies and its beautiful i believe because i believe in God and reincarnation. I don't want to stop hurting either at times because I am too afraid of forgetting him, but we won't, just like how it hurts to lose them, we love them so much we can't ever forget them or especially stop loving them and holding a spot in our heart for them. I get frustrated at times when i can't remember the little things, or when i think i can't remember the details of his hands, or remember his scent of colonge, in those moments my fear grows even bigger if i stop grieving then he could fade away. But after a while i tell myself he is my daddy and i could never forget him wether i stop this grieve or dont. Yes it will stay here and there will always be a gap and heart ache,  but it doesnt they arent there. I like to believe they are even if at times it doesnt feel like it.  I hope that too, and i wish for that every day.