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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Rirhandzu

Lost my soulmate, life partner and fiance

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Hi there, I lost my partner on April 19th this year. It has been a month and a week since his passing. He was only 26 years old when he passed and I cant believe that I lost him while we were both so young. He had Lymphoma, and started treatment last year. by December after radiation he was cleared, but it came back aggressively the end of February. We had just begun to enjoy our normal lives again. He went in for second treatment and spent seven weeks in hospital while his condition did not improve. on the last days he has to be intubated as he could not breath on his own, the cancer had spread rapidly to his lungs. We all had hope and believed that the chemo he would be given while he was intubated would clear his lungs and he would wake up in a couple of days. The chemo did not work. The family was faced with a hard decision of switching of the ventilator because there was nothing else the doctors could do at this point. I sat with him when the machines got switched  off and stayed with him until his last breath and heart stopped beating.

I am heartbroken, and I dont know if I will ever be happy again. We had planned to get married the beginning of 2018. We had planned out our lives and had goals and things we wanted to achieve together. He was an animator and a beautiful artist. there is so much that is left unsaid. I am still in shock of how quickly things turned for the worst, and  I am stuck because my future is gone. I cant believe that we were just celebrating my birthday and now he is gone. I cant get to him. I am shattered. and I dont think i'll be able to be put together again.

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Eagle-96   

I am so sorry for your loss. Cancer is such an insidious and cold disease. I am glad this is the place you landed as there are so many experiences here and a wealth of advice and knowledge of this reality we all find ourselves in. Please continue to post whenever you are comfortable as you will discover that we all walk this road and are here to help guide you along the way as you grieve. 

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KMB   

I am deeply sorry for your loss. Your fiance was so young to have to endure the suffering of that dreaded C word. Losing a beloved to someone as young as you, should not have to be endured in this unfair life either. Life sometimes doesn't go as planned and we suffer complete devastation and a broken heart when we lose a life partner.You are going to be in shock for awhile and the pain is going to be unrelenting. Take care of yourself. Your needs come first so your body has the strength to cope and heal. Surround yourself with supportive, loving family and friends. Keep coming to this forum to read, express your feelings when you need to. We all understand and support each other here.   (HUGS)

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Francine   
10 hours ago, Rirhandzu said:

I am heartbroken, and I dont know if I will ever be happy again. We had planned to get married the beginning of 2018. We had planned out our lives and had goals and things we wanted to achieve together. He was an animator and a beautiful artist. there is so much that is left unsaid. I am still in shock of how quickly things turned for the worst, and  I am stuck because my future is gone. I cant believe that we were just celebrating my birthday and now he is gone. I cant get to him. I am shattered. and I dont think i'll be able to be put together again.

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss and know your pain.  Of course you're brokenhearted.  You've just lost half of yourself.  A person you loved, someone you planned a life with, someone you wanted to grow old with; a person you wanted to have children with; your protector, your best friend, your soul mate; your heart.  You are in shock; your grief is unique because no one else had the same relationship you had with your fiance.  That special kind of love that transcend all others.   I didn't know anyone who died from cancer, but can only imagine how devastating it is for the person as well as the one left behind.  I can only imagine that being diagnosed with cancer is not a easy pill to swallow.  It's not easy dealing with chemo and the side effects. It's not easy losing your hair and facing uncertain.  He was strong to have fought the fight with all his being.  Traditionally, we think of the disease being contained within the patient, but in a very real way, the whole family has it and if we look at it from the other lens, we see how it hits the emotions and social relationships of the entire family.

As much as it hurt, we're going to lose people in our lives and realize that no matter who much time we spend with them or how often we've told them we appreciated them, it will never seem like it is enough.  In Gods plan, every life is long enough and every death is timely.  And though you and I might wish for a longer life, God knows better.  There's no way you can fully express the pain of losing your fiance.   There is no way you can make others understand the pain you are enduring now.  All you can do is try to deal with the pain, shock, and suffering you are bound to have and hope that those who are close to you, your family and friends will care enough to support you through the most toughest time in your life.  For it is during these dark times in your life that the ones who truly care or will provide the understanding you need. 

Continue to post.  We are all on this forum at this time and day for a reason - to uplift each other - surely; but more than that - to learn from one another.  God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

 

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KayC   

 

Rirhandzu, I am so sorry, you are so young and now you've lost not only him, but the secondary losses of your hopes and dreams, the future you'd planned together.  You have found a good place to come to, we're all in this together...the details vary, but the bottom line is we've lost the one we love.

I want to share this with you as I posted for someone else, you're at the beginning of a journey and I know it would have helped me if someone would have posted something like this, giving me an idea where to start, rather than to be left floundering in panic when I began this grief journey.
 

I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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On 2017/05/26 at 5:03 PM, KayC said:

 

Rirhandzu, I am so sorry, you are so young and now you've lost not only him, but the secondary losses of your hopes and dreams, the future you'd planned together.  You have found a good place to come to, we're all in this together...the details vary, but the bottom line is we've lost the one we love.

I want to share this with you as I posted for someone else, you're at the beginning of a journey and I know it would have helped me if someone would have posted something like this, giving me an idea where to start, rather than to be left floundering in panic when I began this grief journey.
 

I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Hi Kay C,

Thank you so much for these pointers.... One thing I have found is trying to find direction in taking the steps of grieving, and these help immensely. I am realising that I am not alone going through this, and it helps to hear voices of others when at times it seems so much easier to block them out. After posting what I had gone through, It took me a bit of time to come back because I didn't feel that I was in the right frame of mind to receive. I am glad that I took time to do that, as now My heart is more open to recieving, and I am taking it all in with relief and a bit of a smile. I have been thinking about how to deal, and some of the things you have highlighted I have considered and some I have started, like going out, even when I dont feel like it, This has been very hard, but it gets easier as you said. Tomorrow, Im going on a hike, and I know it's going to be hard, but I realise that I need to be outside of home, because that space(home) can also be negative. I have seeked out counselling, and that is helping me a lot , especially in talking about Rob differently. I have also realised that trying to distract grieve behind work is actually hurting me, and that grief has found me, and I am going to take some time off to give it a platform.... I need that not just for myself, but to honour Rob. I am considering getting a dog, I have never had one, but I have grown up among animals, and love the affection that comes with that. I will see how far I get with the rest of these, but I believe too that it is taking it a day at a time. I will keep coming back here.

 

Thank you so much... I am very touched

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On 2017/05/26 at 4:35 AM, Francine said:
Continue to post.  We are all on this forum at this time and day for a reason - to uplift each other - surely; but more than that - to learn from one another.  God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

 

This gave me some comfort and safeness. I am very glad to hear that. Thank you.

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Thank you all for responding. As this is my first time on this forum, I wasnt sure if anyone would respond. I feel heard and understood. Thank you.

Cancer is a dreadful disease, that takes so many lives. It is the top three causes of death in today's world, but we do not truly know it until someone we know has it and goes through the pains. The pain that a person goes through, just to get rid of the cancer is dreadful and unimaginable. Rob was very brave on putting on a strong front, but you could see the pain he had to endure, and I felt helpless in trying to ease it. I hope that providing him comfort through my own way, that did not necessarily take away the pain, but gave him love and happiness, were able to take some of that pain away. That is all I hope.

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Rirhandzu- From your posts it is clear to see you love your Fiancé and no doubt brought him some comfort through the pain.  Going outside and experiencing a different space can help you with your grief. Continue to post and other forms of journaling can also be a source of comfort to you.  You are not alone in your grief.

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KayC   
3 hours ago, Rirhandzu said:

Hi Kay C,

Thank you so much for these pointers.... One thing I have found is trying to find direction in taking the steps of grieving, and these help immensely. I am realising that I am not alone going through this, and it helps to hear voices of others when at times it seems so much easier to block them out. After posting what I had gone through, It took me a bit of time to come back because I didn't feel that I was in the right frame of mind to receive. I am glad that I took time to do that, as now My heart is more open to recieving, and I am taking it all in with relief and a bit of a smile. I have been thinking about how to deal, and some of the things you have highlighted I have considered and some I have started, like going out, even when I dont feel like it, This has been very hard, but it gets easier as you said. Tomorrow, Im going on a hike, and I know it's going to be hard, but I realise that I need to be outside of home, because that space(home) can also be negative. I have seeked out counselling, and that is helping me a lot , especially in talking about Rob differently. I have also realised that trying to distract grieve behind work is actually hurting me, and that grief has found me, and I am going to take some time off to give it a platform.... I need that not just for myself, but to honour Rob. I am considering getting a dog, I have never had one, but I have grown up among animals, and love the affection that comes with that. I will see how far I get with the rest of these, but I believe too that it is taking it a day at a time. I will keep coming back here.

Thank you so much... I am very touched

I am glad you have the insight to know what you need, even if it means taking the time you needed before coming back here.  What I have learned on my journey is over a span of time, none of this is quick or easy.  Every time we step out of our comfort zone we are stretching ourselves, but allowing ourselves that can be good too.  I remember the first time I went to a restaurant alone after he died.  It was stepping out of my comfort zone.  Attending church alone.  Making decisions alone. All of these things can help us in our adjustment to this new phase of our lives in which we need to learn to be more comfortable in our own skins.  Little by little.  You are right about distraction, it is good to strike a balance, distraction can work for or against us depending on whether it helps us eke out our grief in a way we can better handle...or whether it is shutting out our grief, which is not healthy.  Thanks for your post.

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jacbog   

You are not alone young person with terrible loss. I lost my wife 2 weeks ago. She was 26 years old. We fought for 4 years with GBM - very aggressive brain tumor. We did everything what is possible, but cancer was unstoppable. She had 5 brain surgeries, 4 chemo and radiation. Nicola - that was her name, was incredible person with enormous courage, empathy and strange. Every day can't believe I'm alone, she was everything what I had. Half a year I lost my father too, he had stomach cancer, died after 3 weeks after diagnosis. Can't believe there is any recipe for our loss. I just trying to do everything what my wife would like to. A month before passing, I gave her my word that I will take her on a trip to the Tatra Mountains for hiking. Currently I'm here alone, visiting our favorites trails. It's really hard, but I feel her presence in our beloved place. The picture was taken 1 year ago, after 4 surgeries and 3 chemo. 

20160904_163558.jpg

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KayC   

@Jacbog, I am so sorry for your loss.  Your wife is so beautiful, it's hard to think of her (and you) going through so much. :(  I hope you will continue to come here, it helps to be able to express ourselves among those who "get it" and this is a safe place to be heard.

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Francine   

 

On 6/20/2017 at 9:25 AM, jacbog said:

You are not alone young person with terrible loss. I lost my wife 2 weeks ago. She was 26 years old. We fought for 4 years with GBM - very aggressive brain tumor. We did everything what is possible, but cancer was unstoppable. She had 5 brain surgeries, 4 chemo and radiation. Nicola - that was her name, was incredible person with enormous courage, empathy and strange. Every day can't believe I'm alone, she was everything what I had. Half a year I lost my father too, he had stomach cancer, died after 3 weeks after diagnosis. Can't believe there is any recipe for our loss. I just trying to do everything what my wife would like to. A month before passing, I gave her my word that I will take her on a trip to the Tatra Mountains for hiking. Currently I'm here alone, visiting our favorites trails. It's really hard, but I feel her presence in our beloved place. The picture was taken 1 year ago, after 4 surgeries and 3 chemo. 

I am so very sorry for your loss; such a beautiful young lady.   Just from your post, she sounds like a real trooper and a very strong person to have gone through all the surgeries - i commend and admire her for her strength and can only imagine the loved you both shared for one another.   You certainly have had your share of loss in a relatively short period of time.  I'm happy to hear you kept your promise to her and know that although she may not be with you physically, her spirit has never left you.  I hope you find comfort in knowing that no passage of time will ever change your love for one another - it's in the atmosphere.  Hold on to the love and not the loss.  Continue to post - we are like family here - so whenever you feel the need or just want to vent, listen or be heard, we are here.  Sending prayers your way. 

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KMB   

jacbog, I am deeply sorry for your loss of Nicola. She is a beautiful, courageous soul, and she chose you to spend the rest of her life here with. You both are blessed! She is on her spiritual journey and you have to finish your physical one here. Seems so unfair and lonely, doesn't it? Nicola is in your heart and will travel with you in spirit by your side. She is with you in the beautiful Tatra mountains. I am also sorry for the loss of your father. I cannot imagine how you feel about that dreaded disease, cancer, and it taking 2 beautiful souls from your life. Only those of us who have experienced loss *get it* with the pain you are coping with. Sending you prayers for peace and comfort.

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allyeff   

rirhandzu, I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my fiancé September 2016, that pain you undoubtedly feel weighing down on your heart, eases a little.

don't let anyone make you 'stay strong', this is your time to freak out show your emotions, no questions asked.

ignore the people who say 'oh don't cry' as they mention something touching. cry until it hurts, don't block it.

I stopped myself crying, feeling selfish that it was our future and life together I mourned, and couldn't and still cant comprehend that hes gone because ive had so much to deal with, I miss him like crazy but still think ill come home to his embrace. I never understood how the denial phase would work until I realised/ my councillor pointed out to me that I was in it, always talking about him like he was here, and even telling the doctor that he'd left me instead of died.

ive found the hardest thing is that being young, no one knows how to behave around me, no one I know has had that situation before, so they all avoid talking about it, or inviting me out.

if you feel lost and alone, know that youre not the only one, were few, but we do exist, we hurt.

one step at a time xx

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KayC   

allyeff,

I'm sorry for your loss, it's very hard to lose your fiance, and all of the hopes and dreams of a shared tomorrow are losses to be grieved as well.  I'm glad you have a grief counselor.  You have touched on something that is very hard for young people facing loss...their age group often has not gone through it and do not know how to respond.  I was 52 when my husband died and even so, my friends and family had not been through it and either said the wrong things, avoided me, or pretended nothing happened.  My two best friends did not even show up at his funeral!  I was ill prepared for not only losing him, but everyone else as well.  My family stuck by me even though they didn't have a clue.  I'd have to deal with people saying stupid inappropriate things.  I learned to develop my moxie and speak up for myself.  I'd always had George to speak up for me before, now I had to do it for myself.  I had to learn to be my own best friend, to value myself enough to give myself self-care.  All of this was not overnight, what I have learned on my grief journey was not quick nor easy, but I have learned much through my experience, I consider that the silver lining in the cloud of grief.  Of course we'd trade everything to have them back, if only we could, but that not being an option, we continue this journey...

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allyeff   

Thank you KayC,

only the strong hearted deserve our friendships now, I feel we are trained to help others from our loss, but feel the isolation I have found has turned me bitter towards old friends.

I lost my partner at 28, at the start of our journey, and you, half way through yours, we both lost the person we held dearest, our strength, and yes I would trade anything to even swap with him, but I know he'd cope even worse than I am, childhood sweethearts, torn apart in moments.

the loneliest thing is about two weeks after, when they all go back to normality, and youre left alone.

well done for what sounds like beinging to finding your feet, helping yourself, it is the most important. my councillor wasn't for the greif, until the money got low, she was to help build up my confidence, and to see more than a day ahead. she told me we build around our greif, we learn and change but it stays at the heart of what we have experienced. 

we can do this xx

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KayC   

Sometimes I think professionals that are not trained in grief can actually hurt us in their advice as they don't know what they're talking about...they may be trained in medicine or in counseling for other areas, but unless they are specifically trained to deal with grief, they may be off base in their counsel.  Those of us here have had firsthand knowledge of loss and have been walking in our grief journey, learning along the way, that's why we find help with each other.

I wasn't even halfway into my life with George...I'd been in a long loveless marriage, so didn't even meet George until my 40s...he was my soulmate and best friend, we clicked from the beginning.  The 3 years 8 months we were married were the happiest in my life!  

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