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What do I do in this situation


southafrica89

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southafrica89

Okay so I really just wanted some advice because I am feeling totally lost. I personally have not had someone close to me pass away and I do not know the grief of losing a parent. 

My boyfriend lost his father a week ago. His dad was sick for a few years, but his death has still been a complete shock to my boyfriend. He is a very emotionally giving man and usually always very lovey dovey with me. The moment his dad ended up in hospital, my boyfriend shut me out totally. He kept me updated slightly and let me know when his dad had passed, but that was it. 

He did not let me know when the funeral was, but told me afterwards as I asked if he was doing okay and he let me know he had just buried his father. 

I know this time is about him, and his grieving and now is not the time for me to be selfish, but I can't help but feel like I am losing him. 

 

Last night he said he felt nothing for anyone and didn't know if he still wanted a relationship with me. I told him clearly that I would be here for him no matter how long'/hard this journey would be but if he wanted me to leave then I would do that for him. He said he does not know what he wants and can't tell me he has feelings for me anymore because he is emotionally empty, but he did not want me to go. 

I decided to give him space and not message him, but he has messaged me a few times today throughout the day to tell me to have a nice day and he let me know that he had done some things around the house. I replied and let him know I was thinking of him and was proud of him etc. 

 

Am I losing him or does he still want me around? His words make me feel like he wants me gone, but the fact that he still messaged me makes me think some part of him still wants me around? Do I just be patient and let him grieve? Does he want me to leave him alone? I feel so lost with this situation. It's hitting me so hard and I can't stop crying. 

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8 hours ago, southafrica89 said:

Okay so I really just wanted some advice because I am feeling totally lost. I personally have not had someone close to me pass away and I do not know the grief of losing a parent. 

My boyfriend lost his father a week ago. His dad was sick for a few years, but his death has still been a complete shock to my boyfriend. He is a very emotionally giving man and usually always very lovey dovey with me. The moment his dad ended up in hospital, my boyfriend shut me out totally. He kept me updated slightly and let me know when his dad had passed, but that was it. 

He did not let me know when the funeral was, but told me afterwards as I asked if he was doing okay and he let me know he had just buried his father. 

I know this time is about him, and his grieving and now is not the time for me to be selfish, but I can't help but feel like I am losing him. 

 

Last night he said he felt nothing for anyone and didn't know if he still wanted a relationship with me. I told him clearly that I would be here for him no matter how long'/hard this journey would be but if he wanted me to leave then I would do that for him. He said he does not know what he wants and can't tell me he has feelings for me anymore because he is emotionally empty, but he did not want me to go. 

I decided to give him space and not message him, but he has messaged me a few times today throughout the day to tell me to have a nice day and he let me know that he had done some things around the house. I replied and let him know I was thinking of him and was proud of him etc. 

 

Am I losing him or does he still want me around? His words make me feel like he wants me gone, but the fact that he still messaged me makes me think some part of him still wants me around? Do I just be patient and let him grieve? Does he want me to leave him alone? I feel so lost with this situation. It's hitting me so hard and I can't stop crying. 

I see you have also posted this in the "Loss Of A Parent" forum and I suspect you will find great advice there as they are better equipped to shine the light on the feelings of parental loss. I can tell you that through grief, your boyfriend may experience a whole host of different emotions throughout the day(despair, regret, loneliness, sadness, anxiety, doubt, denial). Sometimes many different emotions all at once. Be gentle with him as his emotions a very raw and he is very vulnerable right now. Stay away from cliches and platitudes. "He is in a better place", "He would want you to be happy", "Time will heal your pain", etc... These catchphrases tend to do more harm than good. Just simply be there for him and let him know you are there to help him in any way. Let him know he is in your thoughts(a simple text that says "Thinking of you" or "I'm here for you" meant the world to me). Let him know you are there to help him with things if he needs it(day to day tasks are difficult during grief). But if you offer, be specific about what you want to help with and follow through. Also understand that you don't get over grief. He will always carry his dad in his heart. I wish you luck as you walk with him on this journey. 

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I hope these two articles will be of help in understanding what he's going through, they can explain it better than I can put into words: 

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/10/helping-grieving-parent.html 

It will be very important to not put any pressure on him or talk relationship talk.  Even something as innocuous and saying "I miss you" can be construed by him as pressure while he's in this raw grief state.  No cliches.  Just be there for him, take your cues from him.  Give him the time and space you need.

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2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I see you have also posted this in the "Loss Of A Parent" forum and I suspect you will find great advice there as they are better equipped to shine the light on the feelings of parental loss. I can tell you that through grief, your boyfriend may experience a whole host of different emotions throughout the day(despair, regret, loneliness, sadness, anxiety, doubt, denial). Sometimes many different emotions all at once. Be gentle with him as his emotions a very raw and he is very vulnerable right now. Stay away from cliches and platitudes. "He is in a better place", "He would want you to be happy", "Time will heal your pain", etc... These catchphrases tend to do more harm than good. Just simply be there for him and let him know you are there to help him in any way. Let him know he is in your thoughts(a simple text that says "Thinking of you" or "I'm here for you" meant the world to me). Let him know you are there to help him with things if he needs it(day to day tasks are difficult during grief). But if you offer, be specific about what you want to help with and follow through. Also understand that you don't get over grief. He will always carry his dad in his heart. I wish you luck as you walk with him on this journey. 

Thank you. Yes I am avoiding the cliche's because I know it would upset him more. I have been keeping my distance and letting him decide the terms on which we communicate as to not overwhelm him. He has messaged me quite a few times today. Nothing in particular, but letting me know what he was doing. Which was huge in my opinion and I felt relived to even slightly be included in what was going on. 

He has said numerous times that he feels utterly lost and doesn't know where to go from here so I am trying hard to be patient. I know this loss is something he will carry for a lifetime, but my heart is breaking seeing him like this. I think he has quit his job as well (he lived in another city up until his dads passing) 

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southafrica89
35 minutes ago, KayC said:

I hope these two articles will be of help in understanding what he's going through, they can explain it better than I can put into words: 

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/10/helping-grieving-parent.html 

It will be very important to not put any pressure on him or talk relationship talk.  Even something as innocuous and saying "I miss you" can be construed by him as pressure while he's in this raw grief state.  No cliches.  Just be there for him, take your cues from him.  Give him the time and space you need.

Thank you so much. I will read these articles. And yes, I wasn't really sure where to post as I have been feeling quite desperate for advice. I am trying my best to avoid any lovey dovey type talking because he is not talking that way to me. I still use the normal pet names we always used like baby and love etc, he has not asked me to stop and I feel like if it annoyed him he would ask me not to call him those names? 

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Yes, just take your cues from him.  He is undoubtedly overwhelmed by this.  Is he seeing a grief counselor?

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On 5/25/2017 at 0:31 AM, southafrica89 said:
I decided to give him space and not message him, but he has messaged me a few times today throughout the day to tell me to have a nice day and he let me know that he had done some things around the house. I replied and let him know I was thinking of him and was proud of him etc. 

Am I losing him or does he still want me around? His words make me feel like he wants me gone, but the fact that he still messaged me makes me think some part of him still wants me around? Do I just be patient and let him grieve? Does he want me to leave him alone? I feel so lost with this situation. It's hitting me so hard and I can't stop crying. 

 

I would suggest doing exactly what you are doing -  just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless. When someone is going through a storm, your presence is more powerful than a million empty words.   He is grieving and can experience a number of emotions (fear, guilt, anger confusion; disorientation) just to name a few.  Don't hold him to his actions, especially now.  Grieving is a process and that process must be allowed its due. A very difficult part of grief is that it is uncontrollable. The best he can do is feel it when it comes and let it go when he can.  Each person's grief has its own fingerprint. Every journey has a unique map. His heart will eventually heal on its own timetable; just be there for him when it does.

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On 5/26/2017 at 11:03 PM, Francine said:

 

I would suggest doing exactly what you are doing -  just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless. When someone is going through a storm, your presence is more powerful than a million empty words.   He is grieving and can experience a number of emotions (fear, guilt, anger confusion; disorientation) just to name a few.  Don't hold him to his actions, especially now.  Grieving is a process and that process must be allowed its due. A very difficult part of grief is that it is uncontrollable. The best he can do is feel it when it comes and let it go when he can.  Each person's grief has its own fingerprint. Every journey has a unique map. His heart will eventually heal on its own timetable; just be there for him when it does.

Thank you, Francine. 

 

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southafrica89, I don't really have any words of advice that hasn't already been given. Just be there for him and let him know you have his back, a soft place to fall if he needs it.

 

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