Lost my wife, I have nothing left.

[Alvin]

I found this place a while ago, to be honest I'm not sure if it's been weeks or months since I don't exactly have the best grasp on time these days.  I've been reading through the topics on this board and I've been wanting to post but I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it, a part of me just wants to keep this all in my head, I've done it for so long that I'm almost getting used to it.

I'm not sure where to start so I'll just start writing.  My wife passed away last year at the end of August, a week after her 45th birthday, which means she has been gone 9 months now.  She had muscular dystrophy and I'd been taking care of her the entire time we were together, which I think was around 16 years.  I haven't really talked to anyone about this, and I'm not really sure why I'm doing it, I guess I just want this to be out there somewhere, even if the only people that see it are people that I don't know.

I met my wife when I was around 15, we actually started talking on the internet.  Back then I lived in New Zealand and she was in the states.  I felt a connection to her almost right away, and we became close very quickly, though it took her quite some time before she was honest about how she felt, mostly because she was 26 at the time and age was an issue for her.  I can't really describe the kind of person she is. Shes the most amazing woman I've ever known in every way.  There's nothing all that amazing about me, for the most part I'm just a normal guy, I don't even think I'm a particularly good guy.. But her..  She was amazing, she was the smartest person I'd ever met.. One of those people that new a little something about everything.  No matter what the topic was there was at least something she could tell me about it.  She was also as kind as she was smart, a kindness that I think went beyond most people.  We talked for the next few years, started making plans for when we'd meet.  About how I'd finish high school, that I'd get a fiance visa, she was in college at the time and the plan was while I went to college over here she'd work.  She was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy when she was a child, and while she had been in and out of a wheelchair for quite a bit of her life, she was still able to do anything she wanted.  It was close to when I was 18 that it got really bad, to the point where she couldn't leave her wheelchair at all.  Her parents also had mobility issues and there really wasn't anyone to take care of her.  The reality was that they'd most likely put her in some kind of home/care facility because no one could take care of her.

To get a fiance visa there are certain requirements, one of which is you need to have a job, she also had to get on disability and that's also a big disqualifier.  None of that whoever changed how I felt about her.  She was the woman I loved and if she did get put in a care facility there would be no way to get her out, there would be no way for us to be together.  The only person I had ever loved was about to be taken away from me, so I made a choice to go be with her, even if all I could do was take care of her.  I got the money together for a plane ticket.  Didn't tell my parents, or anyone and flew to be with her.  Even back then I knew what it meant, but all that really mattered was that we'd be together.  Since I wasn't here legally I couldn't work, not that I would have been able to anyone since she needed 24/7 care.  We lived off of her disability check, which was a modest lifestyle but we were together.  For 16 years I saw her fight through pain on a daily basis, which things getting worse every year.  I'd help her get in and out of bed, I'd cook for her, and clean for her.  Given her condition we couldn't exactly go out and do social things, so we spent a lot of time in one room, which was also fine.  It wasn't perfect but we were together.  She wanted kids but she wasn't physically able to have them, so we ended up rescuing cats throughout the years.  The first one we took in had been left for dead, I'm not sure how old he was but it was a very young kitten.  We nursed it back to health, and he became a part of our small family.  Throughout the years there were other kittens we came across, the plan was always to nurse them back to health and then free them, but she could never bring herself to let them go.  Which is why I have 7 cats now.

We were never quite sure about the legality of things but we did plan to get married, she had even bought a wedding dress, but as the years went on she became a lot weaker, and I knew the additional stress would make her health worse.  We ended up doing a private binding ceremony with just the two of us.  It wasn't official but to each other we'd at least be husband and wife.  The last few years she got weak beyond belief, a lot of the things she could do in the past she was losing the ability to do.  She had trouble sleeping a full night so we'd take naps, or at least we'd try to.  She'd lost almost all control of her hands, when she ate I'd be the one feeding her, when she was in bed she wouldn't be able to turn on her own so I'd help her with that.  Each and every day I'd see the pain she was in, and she'd always tell me that the only reason she fought through it was so she could have more time with me.

I remember the last time I got her in bed.  She wasn't feeling well and needed to lay down.  When we got in bed she told me she wasn't feeling well, and that she was scared, but that did happen from time to time.  I remember holding her hand and telling her it would be okay, something I'd done countless times.  She wanted me to stay up with her but I was so tired.  I laid down next to her,  I fell asleep almost right away, and I woke up an hour or two later and I couldn't wake her.  I don't even know how it happened, how long it took.  They said that her heart stopped and that it happened fast, that she didn't suffer..  But she was alone when it happened.  I was next to her but I might as well have been a million miles away.  She must have been so scared, she must have tried to get me to wake up.  If I'd just stayed awake she'd still be here.  It's something I'm never going to forgive myself for.

Since we got together we spent every single day and every single night together.  I still live in the same room, I still sleep in the same bed.  She wanted to be cremated and I keep her remains next to me while I sleep.  I have no money, legally I'm not even a person.  Now that my wife is gone I'm mostly dependent on her sister.  I barely eat once a day but the cats need to be fed everyday.  It's the only thing I ask for, and even then, every time I do the first thing that's always said is how we're low on money and the cats will have to go soon.  I know that she doesn't want me here, which means I probably won't be able to stay here much longer.  I don't have anywhere to go, but honestly it doesn't even matter.  I only had one job in life, which was to take care of her and I failed.  No matter how bad things get for me, no matter what happens.. I know it won't be anywhere near as bad as what I actually deserve.

I'm alone, I'm angry.  I don't think a single day has gone by without me not crying.  It's not even something I voluntarily do anymore.  Sometimes I'll just notice that my eyes are watering.  Sometimes I wake up like that, and other times it just happens during the day.  Since she passed I've been happy exactly twice for about a minute or so.  Each time was a dream.  In the dream she was alive,and I was just so happy to see her, in the dream it felt like that was the reality, and it was the real world that was my nightmare.  I'd hold her, tell her how much I love her, how much I missed her, I'd begin to tell her how horrible things were, and that I was so relived that she was okay.  That was usually around the time the dream started to fall apart, and reality found it's way into my mind.  I know it wasn't real but I wish I could just fall asleep and never wake up.  That I could just stay in that dream.  I have no reason to get up anymore, the only reason I do is because she made me promise if something did happen to her that I'd take care of our cats.  I usually just stay up until I'm exhausted until I pass out, it's one of the few ways I can still sleep.  I barely eat once a day and I think I've actually lost quite a bit of weight as a result.  Because of how we lived I had no real life friends, only a handful of people online, most of which have abandoned me with the exception of one or two people.. Even those people I'm sometimes afraid to talk to.. I feel so angry sometimes that I feel like I'll just go off on them even though they did/said nothing to deserve it.

I just..  Don't want to be alive anymore.

[Eagle-96]

I'm so very sorry for your pain. You have come to the right place. We all know the pain of losing the light of our lives even though our situations are all different. Please continue to come here and just let it all out. You did the best you could and took care of the love of your life for sixteen years. And I suspect she took care of you too. But you already know that. I hope that you find peace in your journey as it is a long and difficult road. But we are here to walk along side you and bear whatever amount of the burden that we can.

[KMB]

Alvin, I am so deeply sorry. You and your beloved endured much and your love was huge. I have no words to ease your pain, your devastation. Please, keep posting. We are here for you when no one else is or understands. Prayers of peace and comfort going out to you. (HUGS)

[bradley1985]

Alvin,  I sent you a PM.  I have some things in common with you and would love to keep chatting.  

[Bambi88]

My heart really does go out to you. No one should have to go through that and I'm really sorry you did. I know there isn't anything anyone can say to make things better, although I wish it were that easy. I hope you find a way to cope.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Alvin said:

They said that her heart stopped and that it happened fast, that she didn't suffer..  But she was alone when it happened.  I was next to her but I might as well have been a million miles away.  She must have been so scared, she must have tried to get me to wake up.  If I'd just stayed awake she'd still be here.  It's something I'm never going to forgive myself for.

 

17 hours ago, Alvin said:

I only had one job in life, which was to take care of her and I failed.

Alvin, I want to address these two comments, but first let me tell you how very sorry I am you lost your wife.  I want you to know you are not responsible for her death, although you may not be ready to believe that, it's true nonetheless.  You are responsible for her living as long as she did, for giving her will to live, for giving her a full and rich life for the time that she had.  Because of each other, both of you had full and rich lives, as those of us here have experienced with the one we love.  Guilt is common in grief, and I hope you will read these articles: 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

Could you go home to your family?  Living here without a job or means of support, illegally, has to be a very difficult position.  You have experience caregiving, perhaps you could get a job as a live in caregiver.  Seven cats might be difficult to find a place for but you never know unless you try.  I'll pray for you and your situation.

Right now you don't see reason to live.  That's how I felt when my husband died.  I want to tell you that to take your life would be to remove all hope.  I know you can't see it right now, but your grief will not stay the same, it will evolve, the intensity will lessen, it's our body's amazing way of adapting, yes, even when we don't see how that's possible.  I have learned to appreciate what IS rather than merely focus on what ISN'T, and to live in today.  Get up, tell yourself you only have to do today, and then tomorrow get up and do it all over again.  It's not good to try to take on the whole "rest of our life" which invites anxiety.

You have made your way to a good and caring place with people who understand, and that helps a lot in validating our feelings and knowing that what we are going through is normal under the circumstances.

My heartfelt prayers...