Relationship Vs Grief

[southafrica89]

Okay so I really just wanted some advice because I am feeling totally lost. I personally have not had someone close to me pass away and I do not know the grief of losing a parent. 

My boyfriend lost his father a week ago. His dad was sick for a few years, but his death has still been a complete shock to my boyfriend. He is a very emotionally giving man and usually always very lovey dovey with me. The moment his dad ended up in hospital, my boyfriend shut me out totally. He kept me updated slightly and let me know when his dad had passed, but that was it. 

He did not let me know when the funeral was, but told me afterwards as I asked if he was doing okay and he let me know he had just buried his father. 

I know this time is about him, and his grieving and now is not the time for me to be selfish, but I can't help but feel like I am losing him. 

 

Last night he said he felt nothing for anyone and didn't know if he still wanted a relationship with me. I told him clearly that I would be here for him no matter how long'/hard this journey would be but if he wanted me to leave then I would do that for him. He said he does not know what he wants and can't tell me he has feelings for me anymore because he is emotionally empty, but he did not want me to go. 

I decided to give him space and not message him, but he has messaged me a few times today throughout the day to tell me to have a nice day and he let me know that he had done some things around the house. I replied and let him know I was thinking of him and was proud of him etc. 

 

Am I losing him or does he still want me around? His words make me feel like he wants me gone, but the fact that he still messaged me makes me think some part of him still wants me around? Do I just be patient and let him grieve? Does he want me to leave him alone? I feel so lost with this situation  

[reader]

Dear southafrica89,

I'm very sorry to hear about the passing your boyfriend's cherished dad. I know this is a very difficult time for you both. Grief is very tough. I felt like your boyfriend at times, pushing people away and being moody. Losing a parent is a terrible shock. You start to question everything and everyone. Since he is texting you, I would not give up on him. I would continue to let him know you care but also willing to give him space if needed. It never hurts to send a quick text or email asking him how he is doing. I'm sure there are days he doesn't even know. We go from angry to pretending everything is OK in one moment.

We all struggle with our emotions. Maybe when is ready he might consider talking with a grief counsellor or joining a support group. I find these websites helpful in understanding grief. What's Your Grief and The Grief Healing Blog.

Things will never be the same for your boyfriend, but hopefully with more time and the support of everyone around, he will be able to find joy again.

[southafrica89]

5 hours ago, reader said:

Dear southafrica89,

I'm very sorry to hear about the passing your boyfriend's cherished dad. I know this is a very difficult time for you both. Grief is very tough. I felt like your boyfriend at times, pushing people away and being moody. Losing a parent is a terrible shock. You start to question everything and everyone. Since he is texting you, I would not give up on him. I would continue to let him know you care but also willing to give him space if needed. It never hurts to send a quick text or email asking him how he is doing. I'm sure there are days he doesn't even know. We go from angry to pretending everything is OK in one moment.

We all struggle with our emotions. Maybe when is ready he might consider talking with a grief counsellor or joining a support group. I find these websites helpful in understanding grief. What's Your Grief and The Grief Healing Blog.

Things will never be the same for your boyfriend, but hopefully with more time and the support of everyone around, he will be able to find joy again.

Thank you, Reader. I do not want to be selfish in this time, but it does hurt. Logically, I know this is the hardest thing he has ever had to face, but without having been through itm I guess I can't fully grasp the gravity of the loss he is experiencing. 

I have not made any contact with him, because I do not want to overwhelm him. But, this morning he texted to say good morning and then he sent me about 4 more texts throughout the day letting me know what he was up to and he said he was not feeling too good. I feel like he was slightly more open with me today. I guess I just really have to be patient with him now as I have offered to leave him if that is what he wanted, but he is still keeping contact which seems then, that he still wants to know I am around. 

 

[The Girl]

Losing a parent brings up a lot of overwhelming emotions that are often confusing and even contradictory.  It's normal to feel depressed and empty, like you've lost so much of yourself along with losing your parent.  There also tends to be feelings of being alone, b/c many of us don't have a lot of people in our lives who can relate.  

I can only speak from my own experience here, but I've just wanted to be alone.  When I need to talk, I reach out.  The depression was especially heavy the first two months.  It's like a deep depression intertwined with shock.  It can be hard being around people, hard to communicate with those close to you, and hard to know how you feel about anyone who isn't your deceased parent.  

I've been with my fiance for 10 years.  I lost my mom over 3 months ago.  He's sympathetic, but can't relate.  Earlier on in my loss it was hard being around him at times b/c he lives a normal life I can no longer relate to.  At times he's even come across as insensitive.  He's never meant to, but it's weird the things we can away from little interactions after our parent has passed.  Anything can be a trigger for me and he has no way of knowing what not to say or do to avoid it.  At times I felt so angry and alone I thought I might end it.  Just not at this time b/c I had enough going on.  Those feelings passed after awhile.

I guess letting your boyfriend know that although you understand you can't relate but that you care about him and want to be there for him when he's ready may help.  He's not going to start dating or move on in any way during this time anyway, so you could let him know he doesn't have to put any thought into where he wants your relationship to go right now anyway.  

I think for you him reaching out is a good sign.  That first week...2nd and 3rd week...is like a blur of depression and emotions.  In the long run, processing this level of grief is difficult and possibly never ending.  But I'd hate to have to go back to that first month.  The grief and depression swallows you whole.  Once those feelings soften out a bit then it's nice to see a familiar face who sincerely cares for you. 

[southafrica89]

13 hours ago, The Girl said:

Losing a parent brings up a lot of overwhelming emotions that are often confusing and even contradictory.  It's normal to feel depressed and empty, like you've lost so much of yourself along with losing your parent.  There also tends to be feelings of being alone, b/c many of us don't have a lot of people in our lives who can relate.  

I can only speak from my own experience here, but I've just wanted to be alone.  When I need to talk, I reach out.  The depression was especially heavy the first two months.  It's like a deep depression intertwined with shock.  It can be hard being around people, hard to communicate with those close to you, and hard to know how you feel about anyone who isn't your deceased parent.  

I've been with my fiance for 10 years.  I lost my mom over 3 months ago.  He's sympathetic, but can't relate.  Earlier on in my loss it was hard being around him at times b/c he lives a normal life I can no longer relate to.  At times he's even come across as insensitive.  He's never meant to, but it's weird the things we can away from little interactions after our parent has passed.  Anything can be a trigger for me and he has no way of knowing what not to say or do to avoid it.  At times I felt so angry and alone I thought I might end it.  Just not at this time b/c I had enough going on.  Those feelings passed after awhile.

I guess letting your boyfriend know that although you understand you can't relate but that you care about him and want to be there for him when he's ready may help.  He's not going to start dating or move on in any way during this time anyway, so you could let him know he doesn't have to put any thought into where he wants your relationship to go right now anyway.  

I think for you him reaching out is a good sign.  That first week...2nd and 3rd week...is like a blur of depression and emotions.  In the long run, processing this level of grief is difficult and possibly never ending.  But I'd hate to have to go back to that first month.  The grief and depression swallows you whole.  Once those feelings soften out a bit then it's nice to see a familiar face who sincerely cares for you. 

Thank you, The Girl. I am so very sorry for your loss. Your message has honestly been helpful, because most of what you have said, my boyfriend has expressed. Especially when he said he feels nothing for anyone except his father and all he can think of is memories and death. 

We had a conversation on the phone where he broke down in tears and said that he is sick of people saying they know how he feels because no one does and he is alone and has lost himself. I told him I don't know how he feels and I couldn't imagine the pain and how broken he is, and that I didn't expect him to be all about me right now, that I didn't expect anything ''relationshippy'', I just asked that he mustn't push me away. I asked him if he wanted me to leave him alone and not contact him I would do that (if thinking of a girlfriend on top of everything is too overwhelming for him) he kept saying it's unfair to me because he feels nothing. I told him he didn't need to feel anything right now. 

I do not want him to feel emotionally burdened by me. But, as selfish as it sounds, I am very scared of losing him, so this is hard for me too. Like I said, I have never been through this experience so I cannot even begin to grasp the deep ache of losing a parent. 

I guess all I can do is be patient and let him know I am here for him. I don't know if I should invite him in a couple weeks to take his dog for a walk on the beach? I don't want to be insensitive and have him think I am disregarding his emotions and trying to just do activities, but I also am afraid of him being in his house 24 7 alone with his emotions. He has had mild depression since I have known him and never really socialises much. (He lived in another city before his dad passed and I don't think he is going back to his old job)  

[The Girl]

It sounds like you're doing everything right.  Everyone handles grief differently, so there's no definite answer for how long he'll need this much space, or what direction he'll go.  A loss this big changes you, but I do think most people will recognize who supported them through it and who didn't.  It's really a roller coaster for the bereaved.  One hour you feel one way, the next something different.  It's exhausting and I can't say I've been in my right mind through much of it.  But there will come a time when that veil lifts and he's able to feel something that resembles normal. 

I think offering to walk his dog is an excellent idea.  I had friends take my dog out for a playdate with one of their dogs the day after my mom's funeral and it's the best thing anyone could have done.  A lot of people say, "if you need anything...", but we're living in a fog.  Half the time we don't even know what we want.  So articulating a way to help is much better.

[Kathy27]

Hello, 

I had a boyfriend that lost his mom. Our relationship was new and so I feared what would happen also. He completely pushed me away and shut me out. I felt jealous because I could not be there for him the way his family could. I was also selfish because I wanted to be the one to take his pain away. After time things did settle down and he came around. 

But speakingg from the other side because I just lost my dad and also struggle with severe depression. I don't know if these are the same feelings your boyfriend is having because everyone is different. I felt a lot of numbness and still do. It is easier to not feel at all then to deal with the pain. I catch myself pushing him away when I need him the most. Like last night I told him I wanted to go home but really I was having suicidal thoughts and did not need to be alone and just wanted him to hold me while I broke down inside. Also he was very stand off ish the week after my dad passed. At this time I don't think he really knew how to act. I was being moody and it was causing tension and all I could say was my dad is dead. He backed off and I actually tried to kill myself. And to make it worse I kinda blame him now for not being more supportive. My problem is a lot of the time I say the opposite of what I actually need from him. I'm not saying this is what your boyfriend is doing. I would give him some space but also let him know you are there. Maybe you could ask if you could stop by for a minute. I feel like putting it that way instead of "do you want me to stop by" would be easier on him because he may not know what he wants or needs from you right now. Then you could just see how it goes. Completely irrelevant conversations that aren't about my dad or the relationship are what help me the most. But the silence kills me. Stay strong for him. Be patient. And don't hold it against him if he lashes out. I've been doing that a lot. Sometimes I feel like screaming and going off would help me release some of the pain but unfortunately I can't do that. I hope something I said helps you in your difficult time and thanks for listening.