I am broken. I miss my girlfriend.

[Jcooper9]

Hey everyone, 

I haven't posted since the funeral because I fell into a deep depression. I haven't been to work, i haven't left my house. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I haven't talked to anyone. I cry and cry and then get angry. I've been so depressed and I don't know how to handle this anymore. I don't know what to do. At her funeral I completely lost it. I drank before to help, but it didn't. Seeing her family, her close friends, just everyone that loved her. Laying her to rest making it official. It just all became reality. It's too much. I'm so mad at her. Why? I just want to hold her, I wanna kiss her, I wanna treat her like the queen that she was. I'm devastated and I can't go on. I never thought this amount of pain was possible. I don't wanna be with another woman ever again. How can I live the rest of my life like this??

[Eagle-96]

I am so sorry you are going through such pain right now. I met with a lot of milestones during the first month. Obituary, funeral, death certificates, changing accounts. So many reminders to make it real. Closing doors we want so desperately to open again. Everything you are feeling is normal and you may feel them individually or sometimes all at once.  I am praying that you will find peace through this difficult time.

[KMB]

Jcooper9, My heart goes out to you. You are still fresh in this misery. Depression like symptoms are normal, but if you feel like it is getting unbearable, please see a doctor to discuss meds for how you are feeling and also for sleeping. Try to avoid alcohol if you can. It is a natural depressant which does not help. Trust me on that one. I was so desperate one night for relief from the crying, the depression and lack of sleep, that I overindulged. It had the opposite results I wanted. Hard lesson learned.

Feelings of anger are ok and normal. We are angry for them leaving us, which is of course is understandable. We were not given a say so about the matter. We feel angry at the loss of the together life we had and the future life we were expecting. I am sorry you are in so much pain. You will not be living the rest of your life like this. Time, being patient with yourself, seeing to your own needs, will help you to evolve past the intensity of the pain you are feeling right now. Prayers going to you for peace and comfort. (HUGS)

[Ajsmother]

Jcooper9

The feelings of how to live without the love of your life, are all too familiar for me. The love of my life passed August 19th from a fatal motorcycle accident. Speed was a factor. GOD knows I still have my moments of being angry with him because I still feel like it could have been avoided if he wasn't so reckless. We too were young and madly in love. He was 28 and I am 30. As you and your queen, we had a future together. When he passed I was 4.5 months pregnant and had his prince on Christmas morning. Being pregnant angered me even more, because I was like you couldn't even be careful for your unborn son. What has pulled me through is my faith in God and knowing that he will never put more on me than I can bare. I am sure you don't feel strong at this moment, however GOD knows that you are!! My pastor said in one of his sermons, faith can't be strengthened if it has never been tested. Right now, I know you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, however you have to keep going. She would want you too. It's going to be hard, I know, however somewhere deep down on the inside of you, you will have this unexplainable strength that you didn't know you had. Weeping may endure for a night, but Joy will come. I will be praying for your strength and peace until your joy comes. It's coming!!! 

[Francine]

6 hours ago, Jcooper9 said:

Hey everyone, 

I haven't posted since the funeral because I fell into a deep depression. I haven't been to work, i haven't left my house. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I haven't talked to anyone. I cry and cry and then get angry. I've been so depressed and I don't know how to handle this anymore. I don't know what to do. At her funeral I completely lost it. I drank before to help, but it didn't. Seeing her family, her close friends, just everyone that loved her. Laying her to rest making it official. It just all became reality. It's too much. I'm so mad at her. Why? I just want to hold her, I wanna kiss her, I wanna treat her like the queen that she was. I'm devastated and I can't go on. I never thought this amount of pain was possible. I don't wanna be with another woman ever again. How can I live the rest of my life like this??

I remember you and you have been in my prayers.  I know the emotions you are going through - I've been through them (except for going to work - I've been retired for the last 2 1/2 years).   Sometimes I feel like sleeping beauty forever sleep, with the waking world continuing on without me fully aware. Only there is no prince to wake me up from my slumber, this half life.  Unfortunately, there are no magic cure, no making it all go away forever; no how to fix it grief manuals; no instructions on how to put our broken hearts back together again; no easy answers.  Every expression of grief needs to be expressed and given its space; allowed it to come....only then will you begin to heal.

After my Charles left this earth, I lost touch with my soul; I had no where to turn or go.  I was so broken, I totally lost sight of my dreams, and thought it would be the end for me. I didn't think I could make it through, because I had no hope to hold on to.  I thought I would break; but God showed me my own strength.  HE didn't make us to break;  we might feel as if we are crashing down and tumbling, but HE won't let us crumble.  You will get through all the pain, but know that alcohol is not the answer.  No one wants to hurt; so sometimes we get addicted to something that takes away the pain. We think by drowning our sorrows, we can deal with this pain, but it really doesn't.   There are no quick fixes.   I want you to be careful with drinking; It will cloud your mind, steal away your free will and can destroy your life.   Don't be mad at her; what good will that do for you, really?  If forgiveness is the truest form of love, then to honestly have loved her, you must forgive her and finally forgive yourself to truly heal.  You can move on and you must - if not for your sake, than for hers. 

I pray you find hope in your heart to help lead you out of this darkness.  All you need is right inside of you.  With God, you will find your way and be able to liff this weight.  Continue to post and stay strong and blessed.   You are in my prayers.

 

[KayC]

Jcooper,

Drink doesn't help because it's a depressant...not what we need when grieving, but I can sure understand the turning to it.  Take a day at a time, it is too hard to take on more than that.  We all remember what grief felt like in the early days/months, it's hard.  I honestly didn't see how I could live without my husband, but somehow I have.  Grief's intensity lessens and it evolves over time, it doesn't stay the same, I wish someone would have told me that in the beginning, it might have encouraged me some.

[yuyu]

Jcooper,

First of all sorry for your loss, no words or expressions can describe what you are feeling right now. Its hard but we can survive this nightmare. Just pray and ask God for guidance.