15th Wedding Anniversary.....

[HAB's wife]

It's been almost two months since I lost my husband. Last week was our fifteenth wedding anniversary. THAT was hard! We met and began dating 18 years ago, but it seems like yesterday.....or 1, 000 years ago...depending on my mood/ perspective of the day. 

A little over two years ago, my husband was injured in a horrific car accident, leaving him a quadriplegic. My daughter and I were his caretakers. While this was incredibly hard work, ( he was a big guy with almost NO mobility), there was a great satisfaction to it, most days. Of course, there were bad days, too but we suddenly, found ourselves together 24/7. Although, he could not do do any of the physical things, from before the accident, his mind had remained sharp and he was still a very valuable asset to us- as a husband and a father, he continued to teach us things.

I know he was miserable a lot, with his situation, but, for the most part, he was optimistic and grateful ( perhaps for my benefit?). Of course, there were days.....NOT many....but there WERE days, when he would be frustrated and angry with his situation and I, being a very, very selfish person, was just glad that he had lived. I still needed him, I still wanted him- whether he was in pain, depressed, injured - I didn't care, I wanted him with us! Many people have approached me, with the whole 'he's not suffering anymore' ****. I know they mean well and are trying to encourage me, but, to me, it's just ****, ****, ****!

I remember things differently. I remember movie night, going out to dinner, grocery shopping ( Oh, that man loved to grocery shop and his power chair could hold like 50 grocery bags!), getting our haircut at the same barber shop ( yes, I went to his barber, for practical reasons), our future plans, our long, late night talks, the two vacations we DID manage to take and our laughter. We laughed a lot! I still remember every square inch of him, his face and the sound of his voice. Perhaps, he is better off but I'm not. I'm the one who got left behind, by a man who would have never left me, on his own accord. NEVER! I am SO frickin angry! I am so frickin scared and lost! 

Today, I have a doctor's appointment with one of my husband's doctors. I am filled with dread, of the onslaught of memories.......Maybe that's why I'm so angry and down?

 

 

[Eagle-96]

2 hours ago, HAB's wife said:

I know he was miserable a lot, with his situation, but, for the most part, he was optimistic and grateful ( perhaps for my benefit?). Of course, there were days.....NOT many....but there WERE days, when he would be frustrated and angry with his situation and I, being a very, very selfish person, was just glad that he had lived. I still needed him, I still wanted him- whether he was in pain, depressed, injured - I didn't care, I wanted him with us! Many people have approached me, with the whole 'he's not suffering anymore' ****. I know they mean well and are trying to encourage me, but, to me, it's just ****, ****, ****!

The heart wants what the heart wants. You were not being selfish for wanting to be with your true love. I suspect that 100% of the people in truly loving marriages feel the same as you in wanting him to be here. It is a conflicting thought process in that we would never want our mates to ever be in pain or suffer but there is also the powerful force that wants them to be here. I want nothing more than to have Lori here by my side but at the same time in my belief I know that she walked with the Lord and that she is in Paradise now. No troubles, no pain, no worries or cares. Only joy, peace, and happiness. What challenges me is that why wouldn't I want my sweet wife to experience pure bliss as opposed to the daily worries of this world. Don't beat yourself up for wanting him here. That's just your love showing itself.

[KayC]

4 hours ago, HAB's wife said:

Many people have approached me, with the whole 'he's not suffering anymore' ****. I know they mean well and are trying to encourage me, but, to me, it's just ****, ****, ****!

It doesn't help people to say these things...we know they're not suffering anymore, but it's transferred his suffering to us, now WE are the ones suffering, so it doesn't feel much consolation.  Yet it has consoled me at times to know it's me and not my husband going through this.  I guess it depends on the day as to how we're feeling.

[KMB]

6 hours ago, HAB's wife said:

I'm the one who got left behind, by a man who would have never left me, on his own accord. NEVER! I am SO frickin angry! I am so frickin scared and lost! 

Your whole post got to me, but especially that sentence. My own husband fought hard to stay here for me. He did not want to leave me behind, but we were given no choice. I am not angry with that choice no longer. I chose not to let the anger control me, consume me. If I had, it would have caused me to turn into someone I wasn't at heart. I want to be able to stay the same person my husband fell in love with. Yes, I am changed by my loss, but I think of the changes as positive for my own growth. More humble, compassionate, patient, tolerant, giving. I could add more as I think of them. Yes, I am scared, lost, lonely, unsure of myself, constantly sad. This is the price I am paying for giving my husband unconditional love. My own heart knows that I would not wish for him to be in my place. He deserves the peace, love and joy of Heaven and I will have mine someday with him again.

Hang in there. As you said, only 2 months in, your wedding anniversary and now a doctors appointment. Daily life is overwhelming for you which is normal. Take deep breaths and go moment by moment. We are here for you.  (HUGS)

[Francine]

13 hours ago, HAB's wife said:

I know he was miserable a lot, with his situation, but, for the most part, he was optimistic and grateful ( perhaps for my benefit?). Of course, there were days.....NOT many....but there WERE days, when he would be frustrated and angry with his situation and I, being a very, very selfish person, was just glad that he had lived. I still needed him, I still wanted him- whether he was in pain, depressed, injured - I didn't care, I wanted him with us!

Men are protectors and maintainers by nature and takes over all the responsibilities in providing maintenance, care, guardianship and protection for us and our well being.  When they, for some reason, fill they can no longer provide to the standard they have in their minds, they might become angry - not at us, but like you indicated - their situation.  When my Charles health started to decline (and I can't tell you when it happened; - I guess I never thought of him as being ill - in my mind, he just had some health issues that were being addressed) he would often say that he didn't want to be a burden to me.   While he couldn't do the physical things he once did for the family,  his mind was just as sharp as it ever was; and the family went to him for his opinions, his know-how and expertise on just about everything.  I think a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated; and I made it my priority to make sure he knew he would never be a burden to me and how much he was appreciated and loved.

I get it - I love my Charles and want to be with him no matter what. I too was very selfish and if I'm true about it, still am at times.  Then I saw it, how selfish I really was - and I didn't like what I saw. I think it's one thing to be selfish, and another to be brave.  No one ever wants to give up someone they love.  When you think about it, sometimes we can't let go of what's making us sad, because it was the only thing that made us happy.  No matter what, I've always wanted the very best for my Charles, and he for me.   I know my Charles' spirit is alive and well; that makes me happy; he is free from any pain and all sufferings; that makes me happy; he is in paradise, that makes me happy; - he is with the angels, praising God; that makes me happy; knowing  we will be together again, this time, forever, makes me know that this pain I'm experiencing now, will be worth it.

You are stronger than you realize and may encounter many more defeats, but you must not be defeated.  God wants us to encounter these defeats so we can know who we are, what we can rise from, how we can still come out of it - better then we went in.  

Stay strong and God bless you, God bless us all.

 

[Eagle-96]

20 hours ago, KMB said:

I want to be able to stay the same person my husband fell in love with. Yes, I am changed by my loss, but I think of the changes as positive for my own growth. More humble, compassionate, patient, tolerant, giving. I could add more as I think of them. Yes, I am scared, lost, lonely, unsure of myself, constantly sad. This is the price I am paying for giving my husband unconditional love. My own heart knows that I would not wish for him to be in my place. He deserves the peace, love and joy of Heaven and I will have mine someday with him again.

This is what I want also. To be able to show more compassion and kindness to people. We all know the greatest pain in life and I hope that knowledge can help me to be a light in someones life. To provide comfort to a person that may be in their greatest time of need. There is a fine line between sympathy and empathy and, as humans, we are all only a second away from knowing the distinction. The quote that sticks with me is:

 "The sad thing is, nobody ever really knows how much anyone else is hurting. We could be standing next to somebody who is completely broken and we wouldn't even know it." 

I wish humans were all a little more cognizant of this notion and we could all take a step back show more compassion to others because we truly have no idea of their struggles. 

[KayC]

Francine,

I don't see you as selfish at all.  You're human, like all of us, of course we want to be with them, how could we not!  But you are one of the more selfless people, you always give of yourself to others and point people the way.  Be easy on yourself.  (((hugs))) 

Eagle,

I like that quote...it's true, we never know what someone else is going through.

[Francine]

Thanks KayC

I'm always telling others not to be hard on themselves, but when it comes to myself, it's different.  I know it shouldn't be, but it's where I'm at now.  Keep me uplifted in prayer - I truly need it, we all do.  Thanks again!