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Feeling empty


SashaS

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We were a very happy family till the last June when my husband was diagnosed with a tumor in the stomach. We have two children 15 and 12. In front of our children we never talked about death but we didnt know that is going to happen very soon for us. 
He had three chemos and after that a surgery which resulted unsuccessful to remove the tumor. The surgeon said he was inoperable cause of the spreading which wasnt noticed before surgery. After some days (December 3, 2016) of the intervention (the surgeon did a gastric bypass) my husband had an internal bleeding which was fatal for him. 
In September 2016,my children lost their grandma and I lost my mother which lived with us.
And now from happy family we are returned in a silent one. I don't know if we are going to find that happiness again?! My children, I hope yes! I'm trying to do as best I can for them but... myself I feel so empty...

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SashaS, I'm so sorry, you've had so much to cope with and having two children makes things even more complex. My heart goes out to you and to your family. 

I think you'll find happiness again, I know it's at least possible. Your children (like mine) have youth on their side, that natural resiliency that gifts the young with that spirit of optimism. We "older" ones aren't so equipped I'm afraid. The cruel happenstance of life tends to jade us as time goes by. Perhaps as you continue lifting up and encouraging your children, you'll find something for yourself, hope maybe.

I know the emptiness you feel, I'm very familiar with that sensation of nothingness. A state in which nothing matters, numb and out of touch. Nothing seems real, this can't be happening, where did my world go? I still get that way from time to time, though not as often. I think you'll find your way, I pray you do. Please continue to post here, if you feel the need. Reach out your friends, family, trusted people who can listen. Reach out to us here, some of the most beautiful people I've ever encountered frequent this site. 

Peace, love and comfort to you and your family,

Andy

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Thank You Andy for the nice words! Prayers of peace and comfort to you and your daughters! 

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5 hours ago, SashaS said:

We were a very happy family till the last June when my husband was diagnosed with a tumor in the stomach.
In September 2016,my children lost their grandma and I lost my mother which lived with us.  And now from happy family we are returned in a silent one. I don't know if we are going to find that happiness again?! My children, I hope yes! I'm trying to do as best I can for them but... myself I feel so empty...

I am so very sorry for your losses and them being so close in proximity.  I've also lost both my mother and husband.  When my mom passed, we were all devastated and it was my husband who brought me through - he was my rock, my strength, my stability.  But he always had been.  He was the one that held me together when I thought I was going to break; he was my glue when I through I was coming loose at the seams; he was my rainbow when the storms didn't let up.  Now he's gone and so is my strength, my glue and my rainbow.  I once new what a *happy* family and *happy* life meant - don't any more; that word is no longer in my vocabulary. 

To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever.  The pain never really stops; it lessons, but the gap never closes.  The hole in your heart is the shape of the one you lost and no one else can fit it.  Of course you feel empty; I know I have and still do.  I've learned it's OK to feel alone lost and empty.  Everything that's lonely finds its company; everything lost is meant to be found and everything empty eventually gets filled.   I see it like this; think about all the terrible times you have lived through and think about how they, too, have passed. By nature, we are survivors and sometimes we must  go through hell to find heaven.  The same way, we must sometimes break in order to find ourselves whole again; and with God, it's just a matter of time. 

Be there for the children; they need you more than ever now.  I believe one can find happiness again and for the children's sake, I hope they do; but the happiness you were accustomed to -  I think that's gone; I think you'll find a different kind of happiness.  You and the children will learn and adapt to this *new* type of happiness, but you'll never forget what you had, nor should you, nor would you want to?

Continue to post - God has put us here at this place and time for a reason - to encourage one another - definitely - but more than that - to love and learn from one another.

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Thank You Francine for Your support! I feel like in family here! 

When my husband was dignosed with that sickness my mother was aggravated from the notice. She had ten years with PD but she had a normal life. But after that she got ill and she had a paranoia that something bad was going to happen. And after two chemotherapies of my husband she left us. Anyway I was strong, I lost my mother but I had hope that I was going to win the other battle. But the other hit was stronger than me. That through me down.

It's so hard to get up in the morning to go to work, to try to be normal with people, to try to resemble happy with my son and my daughter. My soul is empty! 

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Sasha,

It IS hard to put on that mask to face work.  Your children are old enough to understand grieving, it's okay to talk about it a little with them.  Maybe explain that they make you very happy but losing their grandma and their dad makes you very sad.  Have you seen a professional grief counselor?  How about your kids?

We may not be able to change your circumstances, but I hope it brings you comfort that you've found a place with supportive understanding people, we're here to listen to you.

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Thank You KayC for your advices! Would be good to talk with some grief counselors but here, where I live is not such structure. Also the people around me have their families. They can't understand! As regarding my children I'm very careful with them. They are very sensitive toward me. I talk, I try to be a friend, to communicate with them what do they feel. But If they see me sad they refrain from talking. That's why I do resemble happy and I'll be if they need it. But I fear if I'll be able to face the future. I feel like my spirit is gone with my husband.  

I'm clear that nobody will change my situation. But at least here I found somebody to talk with and is able to understand what I feel. In reality I have been in this forum as a reader since December. But the Lulu's pain pushed me to show up writing here. 

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SashaS, We are here for you and you can express your feelings, thoughts, freely here. Only those who have lost their partner understand each other, the pain and the impact on us and life as we knew it..Keep doing as well as you can with your children. They are grieving for their father and their feelings, thoughts, might be a little different than yours, just because the relationship they had with their father was different than a husband/wife relationship.

I'm sorry you don't have access to grief counselors in your area. Do the children have a grief counselor available at their school? There is plenty of grief articles, etc., via the internet and of course you have the forum here. It is really helpful just to have someone listen, to give us a hug. Any trusted family members or friends you can reach out to?

Try not to worry about facing the future. The future is a huge unknown and will unfold in the way it is meant to. We have enough to worry about and the future is overwhelming and we have no need to burden ourselves with the unknown. Just take it day by day.  (HUGS)

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17 hours ago, SashaS said:

It's so hard to get up in the morning to go to work, to try to be normal with people, to try to resemble happy with my son and my daughter. My soul is empty! 

I'm so sorry for your loss, SashaS. I know exactly what you mean about trying to be normal with people, especially at work. At first, some of them came around to check on me at work, then they stopped as if avoiding me. I guess they didn't know what else to say. All they had to do was listen. To keep them from feeling uncomfortable, I've had to put on a 'happy' face and try to act like I'm doing better. But I'm not. I feel so lost and alone. I can't wait for my work day to be over but then when I get in my car, I have nowhere to go, or no one to go home to.

You have your children to live for thank God. They are your love's legacy. They are your reason for getting up and to keep going. Cherish them. Children have a resiliency unlike no other. They will help you in the months and years to come! I'm sorry you have no one to talk to there. I know how it feels to mourn in silence. It's terrible but you have the support of this community. Keep posting and sharing. Your experience will help others to know they are not alone, they are not going crazy, that someone else is going and feeling the same as they are. 

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There are books available to help kids understand loss/grief.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/11/using-childrens-books-to-help-with.html 

Here is a link to articles helping children/teens through their grief:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/blog-page.html 

Dr. Phil has an app, Doctor on Demand, it's free, you might check it out and see if there is grief counseling there.  I don't have cell phone coverage in my area so am unable to check it out for you. 

It sounds like you are very in tuned with your children and their needs, I hope you are able to get your needs met as well...coming here is a start, it really does help to know others that understand some of what you're going through.  My heart goes out to you, I know this is hard.

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21 hours ago, KMB said:

SashaS, We are here for you and you can express your feelings, thoughts, freely here. Only those who have lost their partner understand each other, the pain and the impact on us and life as we knew it..Keep doing as well as you can with your children. They are grieving for their father and their feelings, thoughts, might be a little different than yours, just because the relationship they had with their father was different than a husband/wife relationship.

I'm sorry you don't have access to grief counselors in your area. Do the children have a grief counselor available at their school? There is plenty of grief articles, etc., via the internet and of course you have the forum here. It is really helpful just to have someone listen, to give us a hug. Any trusted family members or friends you can reach out to?

Try not to worry about facing the future. The future is a huge unknown and will unfold in the way it is meant to. We have enough to worry about and the future is overwhelming and we have no need to burden ourselves with the unknown. Just take it day by day.  (HUGS)

KMB! I am so thankful for your support! Hugs

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

There are books available to help kids understand loss/grief.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/11/using-childrens-books-to-help-with.html 

Here is a link to articles helping children/teens through their grief:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/blog-page.html 

Dr. Phil has an app, Doctor on Demand, it's free, you might check it out and see if there is grief counseling there.  I don't have cell phone coverage in my area so am unable to check it out for you. 

It sounds like you are very in tuned with your children and their needs, I hope you are able to get your needs met as well...coming here is a start, it really does help to know others that understand some of what you're going through.  My heart goes out to you, I know this is hard.

KayC! I greatly appreciate your help! 

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On 5/24/2017 at 1:53 AM, Lulu said:

I'm so sorry for your loss, SashaS. I know exactly what you mean about trying to be normal with people, especially at work. At first, some of them came around to check on me at work, then they stopped as if avoiding me. I guess they didn't know what else to say. All they had to do was listen. To keep them from feeling uncomfortable, I've had to put on a 'happy' face and try to act like I'm doing better. But I'm not. I feel so lost and alone. I can't wait for my work day to be over but then when I get in my car, I have nowhere to go, or no one to go home to.

You have your children to live for thank God. They are your love's legacy. They are your reason for getting up and to keep going. Cherish them. Children have a resiliency unlike no other. They will help you in the months and years to come! I'm sorry you have no one to talk to there. I know how it feels to mourn in silence. It's terrible but you have the support of this community. Keep posting and sharing. Your experience will help others to know they are not alone, they are not going crazy, that someone else is going and feeling the same as they are. 

The children are so precious to me! They're the reason to get up in the morning, to go to work, to prepare food, to eat a bit, to try to be normal or happy. But it doesnt change the fact I miss my husband a lot. My life will never be the same without him. I miss his smile, his voice. He wanted so much to have a house for us but the house is so silent and empty without him.  Why God You didn't saved him?!  He wanted so much to see his children as adults. We didnt give up and we struggled till in the end. But the death came and stole him away unexpectedly for an unexpected journey. I wish You well my Angel!

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Sasha,

I'm glad you've made your way to this site.  I have a feeling you're going to find this an extended family, as we all have here.

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Is going to be 6 months without my husband and the ache in my heart and the emptiness in my soul is the same. The thing is changed is my angry with God for taking away my love and the father of my children. 

I still haven't accepted the fact my love is not coming anymore. My heart is in suffer but is become more tender towards God. 


“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Matthew 11:28

 

 

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For some reason your post hit me especially hard.  I lost my husband and my Dad in the same week.  It's horrible.  I have 2 kids, too.  It's only been a month and a half for me but everything posted here about putting on a face for work, silence in the home, being there for the kids, the emptiness...  I wish I had words of wisdom but I all I can say is - I get it.  I wish I didn't but I do. 

I am new here and new trying to deal with all of this but I'm hoping this place helps me.  I hope it helps you, too. 

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Sasha,

I'm glad the anger is slipping away, it really does take time to realize they're gone, really gone.

bela,

I'm glad you are finding a place you can relate to, I don't think there's much we haven't talked about in this section as we go through our grief together.  One thing I've noticed over the years on grief forums is we open up in a way we don't to anyone else, and it really does feel like a family, I've gotten very close to the others in my grief journey.

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17 hours ago, bela said:

I wish I didn't but I do. 

I wish nobody pass through this we do! I cant compare this pain with nothing physical in this life. I'm so sorry that happened also to You Bela! 

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Today 6 months without my love! I went with my children to his grave and to my mother's too. I know you aren't there! You are in heaven! The physical has remained here. We plant some new flowers for You. Even I know You are There the separation is hard to bear. You are my half and without You I'm incomplete! I have our children and we are trying to find a new balance. But without You seems so unfair! I miss You and I love You my angels! 

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SashaS, A very sweet and loving gesture to visit the grave sites on a 6 month mark. Rest assured, your husband and your mom were there with you and your children in spirit. The flowers you planted in their memory will thrive and I'm sure they are enjoying them from Heaven. (HUGS)

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My thoughts are with you, Bela and Sasha.  It must be extremely tough for you young ladies and your children to endure such  losses.  I know you will be pouring your tender loving care into your children but please don't overlook self care and treats for yourselves too. I imagine it would be easy to do so. 

Sending strength, love and hugsX 

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Sasha,

I'm glad you were able to visit his grave and know he is not there, it's for us, but I honestly think they know when we do something like that, they're but a breath away...

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I feel so weak sometimes with my children. They are teens now. Especially with my son that is older. He is a good boy! But I don't know if I'll be able to complete and the part of the father for both of them. I don't know God!

I can't imagine the pain of my love going away and leaving back his children. He loved them so much! 

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I don't think we can be mother and father to our children.  There are some things they'll miss, just as there are things YOU are missing about him.  I hope you don't place undue pressure on yourself, I doubt your kids expect you to fill the father role.  Do they have a grandfather or uncle that could spend a little more time with them?

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Some places they have a big brother program, I know we had one in a church I used to be in, someone to take them fishing, teach them how to work on a car, etc.  Maybe something like that?  My son was close to his, it might be something to suggest if there isn't one already in place. 

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