Heroin overdose

[eulogy]

My partner died 8 days ago from an accidental heroin overdose. 

I guess it will never make sense to me. I ask myself why, what he was thinking, if he was just lonely or sad or if there's anything I could've done. I've spent enough time around addicts and drug users to know better than to blame myself. 

We both had hard lives. I knew he had struggled in the past, and I never judged him. I still don't. But things were going great for him; we had so many plans for the future. We had had our ups and downs and we were on a definite up. I just can't imagine what made him start using again; without blaming myself I still wish I could have helped him. I wish I could have told him an extra 1000 times how important he was to me so maybe he wouldn't have decided to take such a big risk. We met up here, in Alaska, years ago and I felt like he was one of the few people who understood what I had been through to have the life I have now. Suddenly this place I have felt like home feels so foreign to me.

I cleaned out his place 4 days after he died. I knew he wouldn't want anyone else rifling through his stuff. I found another syringe in one of his pockets. There were things he was keeping from me; I think he felt at least partially like he wasn't good enough, like he had too much baggage. I'm not mad; I get it. I forgive him. I calmly explained to his employer, his staff, that none of us could have done anything. That he didn't mean to do this. I keep expecting myself to feel angry, but I don't. I just feel sad and alone. I get anxious as nighttime approaches. I spoke to this person every single day, throughout the day, for a very long time. I admired him for being strong and putting up with a world of crap and having a good attitude. I just don't get how this happened. The day he died, I thought he had gone for a hike; he didn't. He was just... dead.

I feel like I try to not wall myself off, I talk to my friends, and spend time with other people, but the reality of how awful this is is always lurking in the periphery. I've lost people before; my cousin overdosed and died on Thanksgiving in Philadelphia. I moved up here for a better life, and that is not what this is. I have just never been so shocked by how someone so close to me was seemingly fine and then one night there was a police officer on my doorstep informing me he had been found deceased, with a spoon underneath him even. People look at me as if I am supposed to be falling apart all the time, but I am just not like that. Even so, I feel this knot in my throat that is always ready to rise into a sob of absolute horror that this person I loved and thought of and had a future with is gone forever. That he was suffering and went back to using and I didn't see it. His family told me he was amazing at hiding it; that doesn't make me feel any better. I keep scrolling through my history with him-- what could I have done differently? But it's pointless. I know it doesn't do anything but make me feel worse.

I'm grateful that the last time I saw him I made him dinner and told him I loved him and hugged him goodbye. Even so, I just don't know where to go from here. I feel like I will never understand if anything is real or not; life seems to be filled with one cruel surprise after another. Up here we spend all winter looking forward to summer; I have to sell his truck, sell his beloved bike, close out a life of someone who made me feel a lot safer than I think I will feel again anytime soon.

My friends keep asking me what they can do, but what can anyone do? Dead is dead.

[M88]

Eulogy, I'm sorry you had reason to come looking for this forum and very sorry for your loss.  I hope you will find the comfort, understanding and support that Ive found amongst the generous, caring, compassionate people here. 

I've felt like a stranger in this new life that's been forced upon me, so I understand what you mean.  Posting and reading other peoples posts here has been so beneficial to me.  

No matter how our loved ones have died, those of us left behind experience many similar fears and emotions.  Self-care is very important whilst we travel this rocky road of grief.  Hopefully KayC will post a list of things which will help explain this phrase better. 

I'm glad you have supportive friends and family around you.  There may come a time you will need them more as the shock wears off.  If so, they will then be worth their weight in gold. 

Sending strength, love and hugs. X

[KayC]

Eulogy,

You sound like someone very well grounded with a good head on her shoulders.  Pragmatic.  But even so, the death of the person we love can shake us to the core.  You've already mentioned some of the fallout...the secondary loss of having your trust violated.  The thought that the person you thought you knew through and through had secrets, yet many people keep secrets.  They want us to think well of them.  

M88 said it so well when he said:

4 hours ago, M88 said:

Self-care is very important whilst we travel this rocky road of grief. 

Understanding there is no one-size-fits-all, all our grief journeys vary...
 

I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Francine]

14 hours ago, eulogy said:

We both had hard lives. I knew he had struggled in the past, and I never judged him. I still don't.  I wish I could have told him an extra 1000 times how important he was to me so maybe he wouldn't have decided to take such a big risk.

There were things he was keeping from me; I think he felt at least partially like he wasn't good enough, like he had too much baggage. I'm not mad; I get it. I forgive him. I calmly explained to his employer, his staff, that none of us could have done anything. That he didn't mean to do this. I keep expecting myself to feel angry, but I don't. I just feel sad and alone. I get anxious as nighttime approaches. I spoke to this person every single day, throughout the day, for a very long time. I admired him for being strong and putting up with a world of crap and having a good attitude. I just don't get how this happened. The day he died, I thought he had gone for a hike; he didn't. He was just... dead.

I talk to my friends, and spend time with other people, but the reality of how awful this is is always lurking in the periphery. I've lost people before; my cousin overdosed and died on Thanksgiving in Philadelphia. I moved up here for a better life, and that is not what this is. I have just never been so shocked by how someone so close to me was seemingly fine and then one night  he had been found deceased,  People look at me as if I am supposed to be falling apart all the time, but I am just not like that. Even so, I feel this knot in my throat that is always ready to rise into a sob of absolute horror that this person I loved and thought of and had a future with is gone forever. That he was suffering and went back to using and I didn't see it.

I'm so sorry for your loss and from reading your post, I can sense the loved you both  shared for one another.  I think that is the greatest thing we can give one another  - Love.  Drug addiction is a sickness and generally the behavior of an addict is irrational until you understand they are completely powerless over their addiction and unless they have some kind of structured help, they have no hope.  I'm sorry your partner's strength was not powerful enough to overcome his addiction. 

I'm pleased you hold no animosity toward him and you are not angry or bitter.  The fact that you can forgive him says a lot about you and is good towards your own healing process.  Shock, Sadness and loneliness goes with the territory and is normal and is expected.  It's not only that lump in your throat, but the hole in your chest and the pit in your stomach that may rise and cause you to lose it completely; know that too is OK and will lesson with time. 

People expect you to act differently after losing someone so dear; what they don't know is that everyone copes differently; some cry over the loss, others smile because they know they will see there loved one again. Unfortunately, there's no rule book, no instructions on how to grieve, no time frame. Grief is as individual as a fingerprint.  Do what is right for your soul.  

Continue to post and know that we on this forum are always here for one another.  If you feel the need to talk, cry, vent or just listen, we're here.   God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

 

 

 

 

[KMB]

eulogy, I am deeply sorry. You have had a hard life and it has taken from you a precious person who meant everything to you. You already know how to survive. That alone has built up your inner strength and you will survive this loss also. You might not think so, but you will. It takes extreme courage to walk the grief journey path and you have it. We all do. One day at a time we will walk the path. That lump in your throat, give in to it and have a huge cry. Your body and your heart need the release. When my husband passed, I didn't cry until exactly a week later. I couldn't. I was in shock, numb, and I felt I had to remain stoic throughout the arrangements, people visiting, etc. I felt I had to be strong for my husband to see to his final wishes. I've done a ton of crying since then. The pain has to be faced if we are to see ourselves through the nightmare. Your love for each other and the memories you will always have. Use all that to carry you through each day.

Keep posting when you feel the need. We are all here for you.  (HUGS)

[Eagle-96]

So very sorry for your loss. I cannot pretend to know of your very specific grief but I do know the loss of a spouse and for that I send my prayers to you that you will find peace through your journey. Just know that we are all here for you whenever you need to share your experiences. It is like being in a sad and desperate room with all of the wonderful people in here. We look at the door whenever it opens and we are devastated to see another person enter the room but we are happy that you found us to help with your journey.