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My mother died and i blame myself


Inpain1985

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Inpain1985

My mother passed away suddenly of natural causes. Her doctor told me it might be a heartattack or a blood clot.

She had spoken to me the days before abort how she was not feeling well. I calmed her down as usual, because she suffered from anxiety. Panick attacks and fear of death and disease. She had spoken to me all those years about how panick attacks, can fell like a Heart attack. So i never really took anything she said seriously, because i thought it might be anxiety as usual.

she had told me i should tell her if i had a feeling that she Would die, i did and i diddent tell her soon enough, that i did that week. But i always feared she Would die. All my life, i thought about it every day. Because she was so afraid of dying and spoke to me about it often. I always feared loosing her, and feared that she Would die, because she suffered from hypocondria and fear of death. She always thought that something was wrong with her, so i have always been alerted.

That day before her death, she was angry with me and wouldent talk to me. So i gave her some space.

Her boyfreind was up with her the Night before her death. She told she had chestpains and asked if this where what it felt like to die.

he Tried to Convince her to take and ambulance, but she refused. The symptoms passed and he left for work that Morning. She had an incident before, not as bad though, where they where up at Night. I was very shocked and concerned when i found out, and takkes with her about it. We concluded that the incided was due to her anxiety. But i called her boyfreind, to tell that he should Contact me, if a simular incident should happen.

he diddent Think about calling me that Night/Morning.

on my Way to work that Day i thought about skipping work, and to go visit my mom. I Think about what could have happened if i did. That she might be saved. I diddent Call her, because i thought she still needed space.

i should have listened to her fear of death the weeks upto her death. I was just so used to her anxiety, and that there never was anything before, that i diddent react. I blame myself for not listening. I blame myself for not going home to her that Morning. She was so scared the weeks before her death, but she had been on several occasions before. I just diddent see it. That it was real this time.

if her boyfreind had just told me about their Night, i Would definetly had gone to her house and skipped work.

 

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I'm really sorry you lost your mom so suddenly.  A loss like that carries with it a tremendous amount of emotion that is difficult to cope with, guilt commonly being a part of that.  

I understand wishing you had identified there was something wrong sooner.  Unfortunately it doesn't always present itself clearly, and, as your mom's boyfriend discovered, they don't always agree to go to the hospital.  How could you differentiate between a serious condition and the anxiety you're used to witnessing?  Heart attacks kill more women than men b/c they often lack the tell tale signs.  And blood clots can occur painlessly and w/o symptoms.  Most people don't want to rush to the hospital if they're not sure.  My mom was the same way.  She passed away 3 months ago from something that could potentially have been treated had she agreed to go to the hospital sooner.  The fact that you calmed your mom down when she talked to you about how she was feeling shows you cared about her wellbeing.  These things can just be very hard to pinpoint in time. 

You're going to feel guilt and you're going to blame yourself for not being there with her, I'm not going to try to talk you out of that.  It's a burden we all experience, and I know I have enough guilt of my own with my mom that I'd hate for anyone to try to tell me otherwise.  But I do mean to offer a third person vantage point to maybe soften it for you or let you know that you're not alone in how you feel.  

If we could predict the future, we'd have responded much differently.  I hope, in time, you're able to forgive yourself for the things you didn't know.  Everything you've said here reads like you cared deeply for what your mom was going through, and that's important too. 

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Dear Inpain,

My deepest sympathies and condolences on the passing of your mom. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the pain and sorrow is unbearable. Everything you are feeling and thinking is normal and natural. We all do the same thing as part of our grief journey. We ask why? And we go back on the last days, its just how our minds work. Please be kind and gentle with yourself. You loved your mom and that is what matters. How could you know what was to happen? Someone told me hindsight is 20/20 but it can also be a torment.  I know I can say, please don't do this to yourself, but we all do.

Try to surround yourself with loving friends and family. If you want, try to access resources in the community or through church. Or consider counselling or a support group.

Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen and support you. Thinking of you during this difficult time.

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Inpain1985
On 20. maj 2017 at 6:30 PM, The Girl said:

I'm really sorry you lost your mom so suddenly.  A loss like that carries with it a tremendous amount of emotion that is difficult to cope with, guilt commonly being a part of that.  

I understand wishing you had identified there was something wrong sooner.  Unfortunately it doesn't always present itself clearly, and, as your mom's boyfriend discovered, they don't always agree to go to the hospital.  How could you differentiate between a serious condition and the anxiety you're used to witnessing?  Heart attacks kill more women than men b/c they often lack the tell tale signs.  And blood clots can occur painlessly and w/o symptoms.  Most people don't want to rush to the hospital if they're not sure.  My mom was the same way.  She passed away 3 months ago from something that could potentially have been treated had she agreed to go to the hospital sooner.  The fact that you calmed your mom down when she talked to you about how she was feeling shows you cared about her wellbeing.  These things can just be very hard to pinpoint in time. 

You're going to feel guilt and you're going to blame yourself for not being there with her, I'm not going to try to talk you out of that.  It's a burden we all experience, and I know I have enough guilt of my own with my mom that I'd hate for anyone to try to tell me otherwise.  But I do mean to offer a third person vantage point to maybe soften it for you or let you know that you're not alone in how you feel.  

If we could predict the future, we'd have responded much differently.  I hope, in time, you're able to forgive yourself for the things you didn't know.  Everything you've said here reads like you cared deeply for what your mom was going through, and that's important too. 

Thank you for your response. She called me up a few days earlier and asked me if i Would go with her to the doctor. I Said yes, but are you sure it's really something this time? I think you should just relax and Calm Down. She rarely asked me to go to the doctor with her. So why diddent i? We went one time before and it was really just a lot of hypocondria drama that time. I thought this time Maybe was the same. I feel like i really lille my mother, by telling her to Calm Down.

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When someone is a hypochondriac we don't always want to encourage that.  It sounds like you responded in a way you knew to be best for your mom.  It also sounds like your mom may have been questioning herself as well, by asking you to go with her and by refusing to go to the hospital later.  If even she wasn't certain anything was for sure wrong, then how could you?  Unfortunately we're often left with these types of regrets that can't be erased.  It doesn't mean you made the wrong choices, but that you didn't have enough to go on to change those choices that up until that point made perfect sense.  Does that make sense?  We do what's best for the situation with what information we have.  You had no way of knowing this was any different.  

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Inpain1985
On 25/5/2017 at 7:45 PM, The Girl said:

When someone is a hypochondriac we don't always want to encourage that.  It sounds like you responded in a way you knew to be best for your mom.  It also sounds like your mom may have been questioning herself as well, by asking you to go with her and by refusing to go to the hospital later.  If even she wasn't certain anything was for sure wrong, then how could you?  Unfortunately we're often left with these types of regrets that can't be erased.  It doesn't mean you made the wrong choices, but that you didn't have enough to go on to change those choices that up until that point made perfect sense.  Does that make sense?  We do what's best for the situation with what information we have.  You had no way of knowing this was any different.  

She seemed more scared the weeks and days before. I think i am going to die, she Said several times. I just thought it was anxiety and calmed her Down. I feel like i killed her.

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I understand.  When it's happened to you with someone you love that much, the feeling of being at fault is hard to shake.  My mom used to tell me to think aboutwhat I would say to someone else.  Often our perspective and advice is different when we put ourselves in third person.  Sometimes that's easier said than done though. 

I feel my mom may still be here if I hadn't moved over a year ago.  I moved and her health failed.  Her health had taken a few hits before I moved, and I always watched out for her.  Her death was a fluke.  A quick succession of unanticipated accidents.  Would it have been avoided if I hadn't moved?  Honestly I have no idea.  But even knowing that I still feel like I ruined everything, b/c something, anything, would have gone differently over the last year.  

See what I'm getting at here?  Neither of us probably ever had that much control, but we don't interpret it that way.  There's too many "but she", "but I", "but this", "and that"... There's no way to really know if anything would have changed.  What I can say with certainty is that we don't actually have control over a grown adult.  We don't have control over sudden medical issues.  But I do understand feeling like you had a bigger role in it.  

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Inpain1985
1 hour ago, The Girl said:

I understand.  When it's happened to you with someone you love that much, the feeling of being at fault is hard to shake.  My mom used to tell me to think aboutwhat I would say to someone else.  Often our perspective and advice is different when we put ourselves in third person.  Sometimes that's easier said than done though. 

I feel my mom may still be here if I hadn't moved over a year ago.  I moved and her health failed.  Her health had taken a few hits before I moved, and I always watched out for her.  Her death was a fluke.  A quick succession of unanticipated accidents.  Would it have been avoided if I hadn't moved?  Honestly I have no idea.  But even knowing that I still feel like I ruined everything, b/c something, anything, would have gone differently over the last year.  

See what I'm getting at here?  Neither of us probably ever had that much control, but we don't interpret it that way.  There's too many "but she", "but I", "but this", "and that"... There's no way to really know if anything would have changed.  What I can say with certainty is that we don't actually have control over a grown adult.  We don't have control over sudden medical issues.  But I do understand feeling like you had a bigger role in it.  

Because i did have a bigger rolle :( i killed her basically. 

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Hi, i know it will have already been said 1000 times but I am truly sorry for your loss and feel your pain immensely. If there's anything you will get out of this forum it is that you are definitely not alone. My dad died a few months ago and I have also felt very guilty. There are things I could've done that could've saved him. And I hate that, I really do. But we didn't not do these things with malicious intent. If we didn't love our parents so much we wouldn't be feeling so guilt-ridden now. Life is full of many variables that get in the way and alter our decision making. In this case, your mother was a hypochondriac who often seemed to make things seem worse than they actually were, so obviously this would make you unlikely to take her seriously. I completely understand that. It is completely justifiable and you are not in the wrong. Also, Parents and children fall out, unfortunately, and this is only natural. It is also only natural for people to need space sometimes, and again this is what you thought she needed at the time. You can only do what you think is best at the time.  You loved your mother and I'm sure She knew it. She loved you too. She would not want you to be beating yourself up over a sudden death that nobody could have expected. That being said, I understand how you feel and I'm sorry you have to go through this :( 

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