How do you get the crying to stop?

[gambinosgirl]

I lost my fiancé on my birthday in a February after a long cancer battle. He was 43. 

He was my life. I worked and took care of him. I supported him how I knew best. I slept in chairs in waiting rooms, slept on the couch for 3 years, and slept with one eye open. He had a illestomy bag that only I knew how to change. I scheduled appointments and spoke to doctors on a consistent basis. Now there is nothing. No dinner to figure out, no appointments to be made, no supplies to order and no medications to manage. Now I come home to a quiet house. 

When I get into the car to come home from work I just start to cry. This happens even if I'm not in the car. 

When will the crying stop? When will my heart stop aching?  This hurts more than I ever imagined. 

If you have any advice I would love to hear it!

Christy

[Andy]

I read an article once about a priest who had lost his wife. He phoned an old friend, a widow, who'd lost her husband many years prior. He asked this widow the question you pose, "When do you stop crying?"  Her answer? "I don't know, it's only been 14 years" 

I cry, not quite as often, but I cry. I don't try to stop it or fight it. I let it do its thing, then it moves on. 

I have accepted this will be a part of me forever. In acknowledging that, I had to find a way to control, or at least manage, my grief. How? Not sure if I've figured that out, but, I have been somewhat successful I think. I allow it to do its work in me. Cry, yell, sob buckets of tears or eat junk, whatever, I let it run it's course. Then, I put it back in its place. I don't ignore it, I face it. Every time I face it, I get just that much better at coping. It may take a thousand years, but so be it. I also don't hide it from others. If they ask how I'm doing, I try to be honest without sounding like I'm fishing for pity. Something else, I share my grief with those I know who really care. It's important to talk about this. Another thing, I embrace fully the love, life, the happiness of my wife and our marriage. The good, bad, mundane and excitement, I cherish it all. I grieve for it's passing, but I give thanks for the days I had. It was a good life. 

I'm not sure I helped, but maybe you can find some bit of something useful in my babbling. 

Take care, be safe,

Andy

[KayC]

gambinosgirl,

I'm sorry for your loss...I know those words ring hollow, but coming from someone who lost their spouse, they're more than words, they're spoken from a place that understands.

I also know what it is to be a caregiver as I took care of my MIL and best friend, the last three years of her life when she was bedridden with cancer.  She was sent home with 3 weeks left...she lived nearly three years.  At the time you do what needs to be done, you can't think about it, you just do it.  You look back later and wonder how you got through that time, you just do what you need to do.  But then they die, and although it's a release from their suffering, yours begins in a whole new way.  You thought your grieving was done, you'd had anticipatory grief after all, nope!  It begins in a whole new way, reality sets in, you can't talk to that person again.  You feel a loss of identity, you were "their caregiver", now who are you?  What do you do?  You are used to being so busy you don't have time to shower properly!  Now time drags on before you.  It's quite an adjustment.  I had young kids at the time, that helped.  

We're here for you, it does help to express yourself and know you're heard, we can do that much.  I like the story:

9 hours ago, Andy said:

I read an article once about a priest who had lost his wife. He phoned an old friend, a widow, who'd lost her husband many years prior. He asked this widow the question you pose, "When do you stop crying?"  Her answer? "I don't know, it's only been 14 years" 

 

[KMB]

gambinosgirl,  I am deeply sorry. Andy and KayC both said it all so well. We keep crying and facing the grief as it comes. Each time, the intensity will get less and we get a little stronger at recognizing and going with the flow of the emotions. I also was a caregiver for my husband. Reflecting back, I realize now that I was going through anticipatory grieving for about a year and a half. I didn't know at that time what was causing my sadness and depression.But, my soul knew it. I kept my feelings hidden from my husband. That part was extremely hard to do. I did not want to cause him more undue stress and worry. I was so used to sharing everything with him, but I could not share those feelings.

13 hours ago, gambinosgirl said:

He was my life. I worked and took care of him. I supported him how I knew best. I slept in chairs in waiting rooms, slept on the couch for 3 years, and slept with one eye open. He had a illestomy bag that only I knew how to change. I scheduled appointments and spoke to doctors on a consistent basis. Now there is nothing. No dinner to figure out, no appointments to be made, no supplies to order and no medications to manage. Now I come home to a quiet house. 

Just about the same story of my life. We lost so much when our spouses left this life. We lose our identity as a wife/husband, caregiver, etc. We lost our life, routines ,as we knew them. We are left with virtually starting over again and it is scary and overwhelming.  Take care of yourself, take it one day at a time.   (HUGS)

[Francine]

On 5/19/2017 at 10:29 PM, gambinosgirl said:

When will the crying stop? When will my heart stop aching?  This hurts more than I ever imagined. 

I don't think it ever does stop - it hasn't for me.  Sometimes you hurt so bad that your whole body is crying; your heart is aching so much, you can't take a breath without hurting; you can't say a word; you can't make a move; it seems as if your mind is set on your pain and you feel the burning heavy tears streaming down your cheeks.  As hard as it may seem right now, eventually, you will get through this slowly, gradually, but you will get through.  It's going to be a difficult journey, so prepare yourself for what's about to happen.  You thought you couldn't make ti through that day, you did; You thought you couldn't make it through the week; you did; You thought you couldn't make it through the month, you did.  And you will make it through the year - one step at a time, one day at a time.  Somewhere down the line, I imagine the crying won't come so often; the heart won't feel so broken, and the hurt not so penetrating.

After a while, you'll look into the mirror and realize - wow - after all those hurts, scars and bruises, after all those struggles, you really made it through.  You will have done it - You will have survived that which was supposed to kill you. Sometimes in order to grow, you must hurt, in order to know, you must fail; you must lose in order to gain because some lessons in life are best learned through pain. 

Continue to post - we all are on this journey together and together we will make it through.  God Bless and keep you safe.