lonely1

In need of support, lost the Best part of my life

28 posts in this topic

A few weeks ago, my caregiving duties came to an abrupt end when my husband and best friend of 42 yrs. passed away.  I used to think that caregiving was the hardest job in the world.  I was wrong.  Trying to figure out how to live without him is an impossible job.  I've been with this man since I was 17 yrs old.  We have no kids and we also don't have a circle of friends.  I don't have a "typical" group of woman friends, in fact I have no friends since I spent all my time with my husband.  We were unable to attend a church due to his health issues, so I don't have that either.  I've always had faith before, but right now I am pretty upset with God.  After letting my husband suffer in chronic pain for such a long time, why make it a million times worse at the end?  Why take him so suddenly, why let him get yet another horrible disease at the end?  I have so many questions that will never be answered to my satisfaction.

We bought our "life dream" which was a farm out in the country.  What once was a beautiful, peaceful and quiet property now seems like a wasted dream.  The things we enjoyed together bring me no joy by myself.  I can physically take care of most things, but I lack the desire to do so.  

I can't seem to stop crying and don't want to be a blubbering idiot anytime I leave the house.  I've cried my way through the grocery store, bank, drug store and post office.  It makes me not want to leave the house.  Its so incredibly lonely here though.

The thought of the rest of my life being like this is devastating.  How do you move forward through this?  Sorry for the rambling.  I have no one else to talk to.

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Hi,

I know how your feeling.  After a month long battle in icu- I lost my husband yesterday.  I wanted to join a support group since I'm not sure how to begin  living without him.  I'm  So sorry for your loss. 

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Lonely1, I'm terribly sorry for this loss and the road you find yourself on. I think our stories are somewhat similar.

I was married 24 years, 5 months, 20 days, 2 hours and 42 minutes. My wife passed New Year's Eve, 2016. Worst moment of my life, still locked in this state of sorrow and cautious, guarded "hope". I too was a caretaker. My wife suffered from a number of medical issues, spanning the near entirety of her life. Now, none of these things were of an immediate life threatening nature, her passing a result of something completely unforeseen and unexpected. The last decade, as my wife's quality of life diminished, I became caretaker. Dr appointments, prescription/medicine management, and as she no longer drove, I took her anywhere she wished to go. It was not a kind thing to watch, my wife losing bits and pieces of herself as time went by, but I accepted my "role" with something close to honor. I felt "appointed" to care for her, it was my greatest duty, perhaps surpassing that of fatherhood. I loved caring for her, it gave my life meaning beyond that of material pursuits, I found that we grew closer, our love transcended the ordinary. As our marriage changed, our roles changed, my love only grew more certain, with greater "purity", you can say. Perfect? No, no, not at all, I'd rather her be well, enjoying motherhood to its fullest, living with clear thought and hope. We managed through it all though, never leaving one another's side, never losing sight of what made "us", "us". Like you, I lost the thing that kept me going, focused, lost meaning and definition to my life. I'm still searching. 

I'd like to suggest an idea, a concept really. That life you two built together? The home, the beautiful property? Those things came about because of a dream, a dream you both shared because you believed in one another. The things he loves about you, the things that inspired him, they are still there, within you. You are still that person, lonely and within sorrow, but still that person. He obviously believed in you both, in you, so, take that and embrace it. Believe in who you were, who you are. You are a different person for knowing him, spending a life with him, I'd say you became "more", you grew. Love does that. So, I see at as not forsaking my wife's legacy to me. My wife allowed me to become the man I am, and I'm better for it. I'm a product of many things, including my wife's energy, kindness, grace and love. I'd assume you are the same. I know this is beyond difficult, beyond what you think you can endure, but please, just consider what you've been left with. We are still here, the reasons why, unknown, but here we are. Use the strength his love gives you, live. Breathe. One second, minute, day at a time. Don't worry about being "strong", that's too much to ask right now. Be weak, cry, weep, scream, just live. 

You aren't alone. We may not share the exact pain, the exact experiences, but we share the same road of loneliness and sorrow. We all lean on one another, pick each other up, guide with miserable wisdom and compassion. I'm glad you came to this forum. It has been a Godsend for me. This has become a family. 

My wife was 42 years old. My relationship with God has had its moments too. I've given up trying to answer "why", I focus on "now". Life changed for me, in an instant. I have to carry on. Find your reason so you may carry on. I'm cheering for you.

pm, reach out, talk anytime. 

Peace, comfort and love,

Andy 

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Lonely1

I'm so sorry for your loss. As I started to read your post it was like something I would have written. I lost my fiancé in February-actually on my birthday. I had been his caregiver for 3 years and cancer finally won the war. He was 43. 

I completely understand what you're going through. I cry when I get into the car too. It doesn't matter what I do-hug his pillow, look at pictures, etc nothing helps. 

When he was alive he was my world.  I would go to work and come home and take care of him.  When he passed and I went back to work I came home and asked myself the same question you did.  What do I do now?

As for me and God right now--we aren't speaking.

While I don't have any solutions for you, please know there are people out there that feel the same way you do.  You're not alone and we are here for you.  

Christy

 

 

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4 minutes ago, gambinosgirl said:

Lonely1

I'm so sorry for your loss. As I started to read your post it was like something I would have written. I lost my fiancé in February-actually on my birthday. I had been his caregiver for 3 years and cancer finally won the war. He was 43. 

I completely understand what you're going through. I cry when I get into the car too. It doesn't matter what I do-hug his pillow, look at pictures, etc nothing helps. 

When he was alive he was my world.  I would go to work and come home and take care of him.  When he passed and I went back to work I came home and asked myself the same question you did.  What do I do now?

As for me and God right now--we aren't speaking.

While I don't have any solutions for you, please know there are people out there that feel the same way you do.  You're not alone and we are here for you.  

Christy

 

 

Christy, I'm sorry for your loss, sorry you have reason to join this forum, but I'm glad you "found" this one. I think you'll find a wealth of compassion and a willingness to share. 

My wife was 42 when she passed. This is a rotten, horrible place we find ourselves in. I'm not quite 5 months in, and while for the rest of the world, it's old news, my loss is constant. It's just as relevant and painful as it was a week after, a month, it's my reality now. 

Spending so much of our time caring for our beloveds, it's inevitable that our identities become blended with this "role" we've taken on. Caretaker, provider, overseer, we become these, and more. And when our beloveds pass, we find ourselves void of purpose, meaning has been taken from us. It's hard to understand for those not where we are. I liked being able to care for my wife, I'm supposed to care for her, I still want to take care of her, it made me (right or wrong) feel valued, like I actually served a worthy purpose. I'm a father, and fatherhood is a rewarding role, I love it, but looking after my wife was "different". It was "us", just us, against the world. Now, I'm alone in the world. 

Again, welcome to this miserable "club", this valley of sorrow and grief. We may be separate, but here, we're never alone. 

Peace and comfort,

Andy 

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3 hours ago, Andy said:

And when our beloveds pass, we find ourselves void of purpose, meaning has been taken from us. It's hard to understand for those not where we are. I liked being able to care for my wife, I'm supposed to care for her, I still want to take care of her, it made me (right or wrong) feel valued, like I actually served a worthy purpose. I'm a father, and fatherhood is a rewarding role, I love it, but looking after my wife was "different". It was "us", just us, against the world. Now, I'm alone in the world. 

Perfectly said.  Now its just me.  Now not only do I get to miss her and grieve but I am left with myself.  All the baggage I may have carried that was masked by her love, all the fears I have had all my life that were masked by her, all my desires to take care of and love my partner now with no place and no love to focus them on is upon me.  The tidal wave of myself has finally come home to roost.  I am working hard on both my grief and myself.  I have to work and I mean work if I am going to live through this.  I truly believe we have to do our grief work.  See a counselor, work through the grief recovery handbook, journal, process every feeling from the death, remember every event you can with your spouse and how it felt (good and bad).  This is the only way out of this hell hole.

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Absolutely, the work, the struggle to find our reasons, to get accept and cope, it must be done. Everyone of us has different mechanisms, different strengths and tools, but we still have to do the work. I'm glad your approach is one of determination. It'll serve you well. 

Maybe that "baggage" wasn't so much masked by her love, as it was accepted? Perhaps, if she could accept and see past this "baggage", then you could too? She sounds like a wonderful, caring person. Follow her lead. It works for me, my wife had a patience and kindness that I'm desperately trying to emulate. 

Peace my friend, 

Andy

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Lonely,

You are very fresh in this, in the early days it can truly be abject misery trying to figure out how to live without them.  It's tough.  All our friends disappeared when he died, so even if you had friends it might not have helped you.  It is important to work on building friendships and that comes through spending time with others in small group situations that you can get to know them.  A good place to start might be church.  I know your faith is shaken, that's normal in grief.  Mine was too, but it returned as I learned God has been with me through my grief journey.  I never got any answers to "why" and learned to quit asking.  Maybe there are no answers I could understand and certainly wouldn't like.  
You ask how we move forward through this...I wrote this a while back for someone else, it's what I've learned on my grief journey:

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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lonely1, I was a caregiver for my husband also. Especially the past couple of years and we were also keeping to ourselves more, out of necessity. I am deeply sorry for your loss and all it encompasses. The pain is unrelenting. Dealing with grieving is a constant reality that requires facing it and a lot of hard effort to make it through each day.

I am sorry your life is so lonely without family/friends as a support system. You have us here. We will be your grief family. Come here and we will listen, feel your pain and be with you.

You have your dream place in the country. Hang onto that if you are able to. Andy said it best in his post to you. I have the same here. I find my peace and comfort carrying on this simple, beautiful life my husband and I had/ have surrounded by nature. It is my sanctuary from a sometimes heartless world. If anyone you know has not lost a spouse, they don't understand the total devastation you are left to cope with.

Prayers of peace and comfort to you. You are not alone here. (HUGS)

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cindyjj,  Words are so inadequate at this time. You just lost your husband and I'm sure you are going to hear plenty of platitudes from family and friends. My heart goes out to you in your loss. Please, do not worry right now in how you are going to live without him. You are going to be busy with arrangements, etc. You will need energy and concentration to get through the coming days. Take care of yourself the best you can. Do not think about the future, it is too overwhelming. Just take care of yourself and take it one day at a time. Losing a soulmate is a traumatic experience. Our bodies and minds took a huge blow. It will take a lot of time and patience to cope and manage.

We, our grief family here, will all be here for you whenever you feel the need to express your feelings and need friends who know exactly what you are going through. I noticed you are from Wisconsin, the same as me. Maybe we are neighbors? 

Sending you prayers of peace and comfort. (HUGS)

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Thank you all for listening.  Cindyjj, I'm sorry for your loss too.What a rotten crappy club this is.

Andy and gambinos girl, the loss of the caregiving activities leaves way too much time on my hands.  I know you understand.

KayC, thank you for such a long and thought provoking post.  

bradley, my heart goes out to you.  I understand exactly what you are saying.  I feel the same way.  Left to deal with myself and all the feelings of regret and sorrow for what I didn't do.

KMB, thank you.  I don't know how you find comfort and peace at your farm when all I see is lost dreams on mine.  Hopefully someday I'll get to your level of peace and comfort.

Its reassuring to find others in the same place, although not a nice feeling to know that others are suffering.  I'm trying not just sit inside the house and cry all day.  I finally ran out of milk, so went to the grocery.  Since this is such a small town, of course, I ran into people who knew, so I cried my way through the store.  Its like they just want to see a walking train wreck.  They aren't my friends..just people I've met in passing, but they feel the need to pick the wound so to speak.  I know I sound very cynical and I guess I am.  Sort of mad at the world for a moment.  I hope it doesn't last, I don't like the feeling.

 

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Lonely1, Cindyjj and Gambinosgirl, I am so sorry for each of your losses.  My heart goes out to you all. 

I hope you will find some solace in being amongst others who really understand your pain and emptiness.  The death of a partner is very tough on our mind, body and soul.  KayC's post above is full of wisdom in how to help ourselves get through this terrible time.

 

Sending strength, love and hugs to you all.

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Lonely1, While it is heartbreakenly true we do not want to be a member of this club, I am grateful it exists. It has become my life line. I never knew these forums were here until I was researching for a local grief support group. Country living among small communities doesn't offer much in the way of resources.

I wish to reassure you that this grieving does evolve. Time and patience with yourself will see you through. My husband grew up in this old farm house. He was an only child and with his parents and many, many hours of labor they made this beautiful property what is is today. All 3 of them transitioned over in this house and by God's mercy, I hope to do the same. Maybe you will decide to keep you and your husband's dream and carry it out for him.

I understand about the crying when it comes to the grocery and other places of business. I still break down when I get back to the safety of my car. It is ok to be mad at the world. Life can be unfair as it took our loved ones away from us.

Be gentle and patient with yourself.  (HUGS)

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What KMB said is really important to know:
Grief, while it lasts, does not stay the same, it evolves.  It does not stay in the same intensity, thank God, or we couldn't handle it!  In the beginning I didn't even want to live.  Now I rarely cry, but the missing him goes on continually and he's always in my thoughts, each moment, each day, I've learned to carry my grief with me because it is ever present.  Grief is not something to fear, but rather something to learn how to do, it is our life now.  That is not to say there aren't good moments, there are, but the undercurrent of grief is always there inside of us.

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I actually believe that I've been grieving for him for the past 2 years.  I'm ashamed to say that I was grieving for the life we once had, the dreams we shared that would never come true.  What happened to the things we are going to do "someday".  When his health began to deteriorate, those things all came crashing down.  While I still loved him very much, I grew frustrated with the limitations of our lives.  I know he did as well, only he handled it better than I did.  I began experiencing depression about a year ago.  I thought it was the worst.  Again, I was wrong.  I know today that I  want him back in my life no matter the limitations.  So, again, here I am being selfish.  Caregiving is an extremely lonely and frustrating job, or it was to me.  I never wanted him to know how hard it was for me and I normally tried to joke away any frustration and make him laugh.  I tried..didn't always succeed, but I never let him see me cry about it.  We just did the best we could. One time we did sit and talk about it and how hard it was, but that conversation was too painful for us both.

The experiences that I'm having today are so much worse.  I suppose before, there was always a hope of things leveling off and of us enjoying what we could together. Now,  I feel totally alone.  I feel like the only person who ever loved me in my life is gone.  I feel like I will never love or be loved by anyone again.  I feel like there will never be days that are so perfect that they get etched into our memories.  I'm not talking about another man per se...I'm talking about friends..people who really really care.  People who know you for who you are, warts and all and love you anyway.  Its been a bad day around here.  I'm not sure how to start moving forward.  I seem to just be wallowing in it.

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lonely1, Your life sounds so similar. Being a caregiver is stressful but we did it out of love. I worked hard at being strong for my husband. I kept things light-hearted and as normal as possible. So many times I would go into another part of the house or outside to cry. To take my frustrations into another direction. As much as I would love to have my husband back with me, I wouldn't want for him to still be suffering.

All your feelings are normal. My husband was the only one who *got me* and accepted and loved me for me. As I loved him. Now, we have to make a new path through this life and start over. It is scary, overwhelming and challenging. Two or three steps forward and sometimes those steps go backwards. It is an uphill battle but we will make it. And we do wallow and get stuck in our pain. Especially the early months. Time, patience and kindness to ourselves is how we get through. One day at a time.  (HUGS)

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16 hours ago, lonely1 said:

 I began experiencing depression about a year ago.  I thought it was the worst.  Again, I was wrong.

The experiences that I'm having today are so much worse.  I suppose before, there was always a hope of things leveling off and of us enjoying what we could together. Now,  I feel totally alone.  I feel like the only person who ever loved me in my life is gone.  

We all remember the line from Forrest Gump about "life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get". It is so true about grief. There are a lot of books about the stages of grief and while true to some extent, they are not necessarily in order or as cut and dry as some would like us to believe. Each day I wake up I don't know what I am gonna get from day to day and even minute to minute. You will notice movement from one feeling to another and some days you may experience several stages. This new life is like a whirlwind with sadness, despair, loneliness, depression, all blowing in and out of your day like a storm. But rest assured that there can, and will, be peace and some semblance of happiness however fleeting in these days. I will be balling my eyes out one minute and then the next I'll think of a funny moment Lori and I shared or something that might have driven her crazy and even chuckle to myself. It's these moments to grasp a hold of tightly. Write those happy moments down in a journal if you have to. For me they were few and far between in the first few days but they were there if I searched for them hard enough.

 

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lonely,

Your feelings ARE normal, and you have nothing to feel ashamed of!  The other things you mentioned, the quality of life the two of you used to have together, that is a secondary loss, even while you were going through anticipatory grief, and those feelings of loss are also very valid and normal.  Each loss we experience along with this loss of this person is to be grieved.  All our hopes and dreams...another loss.  Knowing you are on your own, that there's no one else that cares for you in quite the same way...another loss.  That is, perhaps, one of the hardest things I've had to contend with.  Losing my George meant that ever since, 12 years, I have no one that gives a rip about me in the same way.  We were everything to each other, and my life was so complete with him...now, well, that's a whole different story that I've had to learn to live with and adjust to.  I work on creating friendships but I realize it will never be like it was, never again.  I live for the day we can be together again, all I want is to hold him again.  

Eagle mentions the stages of grief, not only are they in different order for everyone, but not everyone goes through them or all of them.  I invited a man in my church to my grief support group this week (he lost his third wife nine months ago) and he said he's not grieving and smiled.  Maybe he's discovered some secret I don't know, maybe because he's 94 he's got one foot in heaven so he doesn't feel the loss as keenly as we do, I don't know, but he sure doesn't seem to be going through any stages of grief!  He does deal with loneliness though.

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On 5/19/2017 at 7:50 PM, lonely1 said:

I've always had faith before, but right now I am pretty upset with God.  After letting my husband suffer in chronic pain for such a long time, why make it a million times worse at the end?  Why take him so suddenly, why let him get yet another horrible disease at the end?  I have so many questions that will never be answered to my satisfaction.

The things we enjoyed together bring me no joy by myself.  I can't seem to stop crying and don't want to be a blubbering idiot anytime I leave the house.  I've cried my way through the grocery store, bank, drug store and post office.  It makes me not want to leave the house.  Its so incredibly lonely here though.

The thought of the rest of my life being like this is devastating.  How do you move forward through this?  Sorry for the rambling.  I have no one else to talk to.

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss and know your pain only too well.  I too was very upset with God and really didn't want to hear people say how much God loves and care for me.  Hell, I thought if he loved me so much, why take the only person on this earth that made me truly happy.   I literally felt God had abandon me.  Some things has since changed.  Call it a presence,  a sign, an inner peace, but it was revealed to me that my Charles was alright.  As much as I miss him, love him, want him here beside me,  I know his spirit is alive and well.  That gives me so much comfort.   I have had, and will probably again, my own personal tsunami's that come with a vengeance and don't seem to stop. 

Who do you turn to when the only person in the world that could stop you from crying is the person you're crying for.  For me, it's God.  Where do I go when there's nobody else to turn to; who do I talk to when nobody wants to listen; who do I lean on when there's no foundation stable - I go to God, my rock- because I know he is willing and able; and HE's only a prayer away.

There are no quick fixes to grief; no manuals that tell you how to put yourself back together again; no psychic hotline you can call for the answers. Every expression of grief that wants to be felt, honored and given its space, must be allowed...in order for you to heal. Your mind is racing with all sorts of thoughts and questions.  Breath, take it one moment, one step, one day at a time. Before you realize it the moments will be hours, the steps will be leaps and the days will be months.   You will get though this - we all will - with the support of one another; but most importantly, with God as our Rock.

Continue to post.  You are in my prayers and thoughts.  God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

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18 minutes ago, Francine said:

Who do you turn to when the only person in the world that could stop you from crying is the person you're crying for.  For me, it's God.  Where do I go when there's nobody else to turn to; who do I talk to when nobody wants to listen; who do I lean on when there's no foundation stable - I go to God, my rock- because I know he is willing and able; and HE's only a prayer away.

There are no quick fixes to grief; no manuals that tell you how to put yourself back together again; no psychic hotline you can call for the answers. Every expression of grief that wants to be felt, honored and given its space, must be allowed...in order for you to heal. Your mind is racing with all sorts of thoughts and questions.  Breath, take it one moment, one step, one day at a time. Before you realize it the moments will be hours, the steps will be leaps and the days will be months.   You will get though this - we all will - with the support of one another; but most importantly, with God as our Rock.

Francine, this is the first thing I read this morning. Just what I needed. Thank you again for your spiritual, inspiring posts. It's strange to me that since Pats death my faith is actually growing. I'm greatful for that. In the past I would have blamed this all on God and my anger would have taken over completely. I still have not "accepted" this situation but I do know and believe this is all part of the plan for my life. I don't like it one bit but I must keep the faith that my future will be good and I can have a good life again.....somehow....someday.  

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Acceptance does not equal like.  It just means we realize they died.  I had a hard time with that word when I was new in grief, I thought it meant I had to agree with it, like I lent my support to it.  No, I cried out!  In time I realized what the authors were talking about.  After a while, reality does set in, you do realize when the phone rings they won't be on the other end, when you hear the door open, it's not them coming in.  In a way it was easier when I reached this point because when you expect them to come in and then it hits you all over again that they won't, it's like experiencing that loss all over again.  I was relieved when those kinds of triggers quit coming.

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4 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Francine, this is the first thing I read this morning. Just what I needed. Thank you again for your spiritual, inspiring posts. It's strange to me that since Pats death my faith is actually growing. I'm greatful for that. In the past I would have blamed this all on God and my anger would have taken over completely. I still have not "accepted" this situation but I do know and believe this is all part of the plan for my life. I don't like it one bit but I must keep the faith that my future will be good and I can have a good life again.....somehow....someday.  

Same here - my mind has not quite accepted the fact - not completely.   But knowing my Charles, he would tell me to "live" my life, don't dawdle in misery.  I remember when we lost our son shortly after birth.   There were complications and after 3 1/2 months, the baby died.  I could tell how devastated Charles was, it was our first son.  He grieved in his own way and I don't know how I could have made it through, without him - he truly was my rock.  That was God's plan for the both of us then; several years later, we were blessed with a son, who is now 33 years and is my rock.  So I see it like this - God will sometimes wreck our plans when HE sees our plans are about to wreak us.  God is good and gives us exactly what we need, when we need it.  A strong rock in my live has been removed, but I still have two -  my son, and my Ultimate Rock - God Himself.   Scripture tells us God' words are true, in Psalm 18:2 it states, "The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock in who I take refuge.  HE is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."

You know you're always in my prayers. Stay Strong, and God Bless you, bless us all.

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Well said Francine. Your faith is inspiring. Bless you,

Andy

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I wish I had that faith right now, but I don't.  All I can do is sit and wonder how in the world will I live the rest of my life like this?  Lonely with no end in sight.  Its been a horrible day.

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1 hour ago, lonely1 said:

I wish I had that faith right now, but I don't.  All I can do is sit and wonder how in the world will I live the rest of my life like this?  Lonely with no end in sight.  Its been a horrible day.

 

I'm so sorry you're having a difficult day. Everyday will not be good, but there is something good in everyday.  Never regret a day in your life; good days give happiness; bad days bring experience, worst days give lessons and best days give memories.   Think about it, someone fell in love today; someone was born today; someone lived through something that could have killed them today; someone made their parents proud today; someone survived today; someone healed today; someone let got today; someone found God today.   Some  have had the best day of their lives; and for you, it felt like the worst.    It wasn't your best day, but with God, your best day is on it's way.  We're only human and we will have meltdowns - and that's OK, normal and expected.  It's when you unpack and live there that you should be concern.

I can't say that my faith haven't wavered - it has.  What is important to me is to look for ways to feed my faith.  The more ways I can do this the better off I will be; whether with people I surround myself with, things I read, what I listen to, what I watch, or the activities I take part in.  It is especially important during difficult times.  The more we choose to trust God, the stronger our faith becomes.   It's not over until God says it's over.  Start believing, start accepting, start pursuing what God puts in your heart.

Continue to post, we all need one another more than we might like to believe.  But we're here for each other - to do whatever we can to help us get through this horrific journey - and get through we will, not today and perhaps not tomorrow, but someday, somehow.

 

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