In need of support, lost the Best part of my life

[lonely1]

A few weeks ago, my caregiving duties came to an abrupt end when my husband and best friend of 42 yrs. passed away.  I used to think that caregiving was the hardest job in the world.  I was wrong.  Trying to figure out how to live without him is an impossible job.  I've been with this man since I was 17 yrs old.  We have no kids and we also don't have a circle of friends.  I don't have a "typical" group of woman friends, in fact I have no friends since I spent all my time with my husband.  We were unable to attend a church due to his health issues, so I don't have that either.  I've always had faith before, but right now I am pretty upset with God.  After letting my husband suffer in chronic pain for such a long time, why make it a million times worse at the end?  Why take him so suddenly, why let him get yet another horrible disease at the end?  I have so many questions that will never be answered to my satisfaction.

We bought our "life dream" which was a farm out in the country.  What once was a beautiful, peaceful and quiet property now seems like a wasted dream.  The things we enjoyed together bring me no joy by myself.  I can physically take care of most things, but I lack the desire to do so.  

I can't seem to stop crying and don't want to be a blubbering idiot anytime I leave the house.  I've cried my way through the grocery store, bank, drug store and post office.  It makes me not want to leave the house.  Its so incredibly lonely here though.

The thought of the rest of my life being like this is devastating.  How do you move forward through this?  Sorry for the rambling.  I have no one else to talk to.

[KayC]

Moved to other thread, didn't realize there was a double post.