Doll Face

I lost my "sour patch" kid of 33 years....

6 posts in this topic

He had issues. We dealt with them. He tried so hard to be good, and he loved me very, very much. His last act of disrespect toward me to satisfy his needs put me at risk and I told him I couldn't forgive him-not this time-he'd gone too far. When he stabbed himself and called out to me I just ranted and called him a fucking asshole as I dialed 911. I didn't know how much damage he had done to himself and as he lay there, frightened and desperate, my last words and actions were to put him down and berate him. It's been two years and I'm so wracked with regret at not being there for him when he did this to rid me of the stress he caused me. He must have been so scared to die. His long last note said he was scared to do it but was so tired of fighting the urges he had had since puberty. He told me to have his body cremated and throw them in the trash. I miss the good guy so much and my family and friends just don't get it. They all have the unspoken good riddance attitude and can't understand why I cry. His friends thought he was the perfect guy. I feel I don't have anyone who understands why I choose to remember, and mourn for, the sweet part of my guy. We laughed over a sour patch kid commercial once, both agreeing that was him to me. This is my first time writing about this except once on Quora, drunk and angry. He always called me Doll Face. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Doll Face

I'm sorry for your loss and can understand why you continue to mourn him.  You loved him and he, you.  It appeared the both of you had issues, to what degree, I don't know, but for you to know that he had gone *too far* must have had some weight to it.  Even with issues, a good relationship should have been a safe haven, not a battlefield. Something I've learned about people...if they do it once, they'll do it again, and again, and again.   You should respect yourself for being able to walk away from anyone who puts your life at risk for any reason.   Be proud of yourself for knowing your limits, when to say no and when enough was enough.  As hard as it sometime is, we must give up the fight, and walk away to something more productive.

I'm sorry your husband had mental issues and was not able to get the help he so desperately needed.  I know you have asked yourself the "why" questions over and over.  Be prepare to never learn the "why"  or the hell that was undoubtedly in his mind.  But what you must not do is blame yourself.  You did what you could have done; accept the fact that many couples may grow apart from the person they've had a significant relationship with.  Try to understand when someone no longer positively affects your life, you must let them go no matter how difficult it may be at the time; unfortunately they hinder your growth.  Don't dare shrink yourself for someone else's comfort - don't ever become too small for people who refuse to grow.   Continue to live your life knowing that it is OK to smile again.  Don't ever be ashamed or let anyone make you feel ashamed. Remember that.  You have an opportunity with each breath to think, decide choose and act differently in a way that supports you in being all that you are capable of being

Remember him and mourn him, but know that God has a plan for your life and the devil has a plan for your life.  Be ready for both.  Just be wise enough to know which one to battle and which one to embrace.
 
I hope you continue to post.  You are here on the forum, at this time and on this day for a reason and so are all of us - to uplift one another  - sure - but more than that, to support, encourage and learn from another.  Be Blessed and stay strong.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Doll Face said:

have the unspoken good riddance attitude and can't understand why I cry

Doll Face, I am deeply sorry for your loss. The part of your post that I tried to fully quote--- please, do not pay them any mind. Do not waste the time or energy explaining to them. Some people do not understand mental illness. They have a tendency to focus on the negative behaviors instead of recognizing the illness. People have a fear of what they don't understand and have a natural tendency not to wish to gain knowledge of certain things. Your husband was a human being who had an illness that was misunderstood. it was the illness, not him as a person, that caused his behaviors and created his loss of life. Underneath his illness, the both of you truly loved each other, You have every right to cry and grieve for him. You are grieving for the person he could have been and a future that could have been.

Thank you for joining this forum and finally finding the wherewithal in expressing yourself and your story. Maybe you will find relief and comfort here. You have been holding your loss in for quite awhile. I hope you keep posting when you feel the need. Sending prayers of peace and comfort.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
18 hours ago, Doll Face said:

They all have the unspoken good riddance attitude and can't understand why I cry. 

I am sorry for your loss, it's very very hard, and suicide the hardest.  They don't get it because they haven't been there.  Even though they knew him, they didn't know him as you do.  You're not responsible for his death, you have nothing to feel guilty about.  That said, I know it doesn't change how you feel.  Just understand that guilt is a feeling that may or may not have basis.  I've learned that guilt has a purpose in calling our attention to something that needs changed...beyond that it serves no purpose and if we continue to embrace it, it can paralyze us from progressing in our life, so we need to let it go.  I know that's easier said than done.  When it comes haunting, tell it that it's done with it's purpose and you choose to embrace what there is in life for you...not guilt.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for your kind words. I wish I could express to people how crushing and unresolvable regret is. I can't change those last moments with him and will regret it for-EV-ER. The rest of my life. No matter what my future holds, that cannot be fixed. My poor husband suffered so much and I kicked him when he was down. This is so drastically different from my personality- I am kind to a fault. A professional caregiver of young children I just want to show kindness and love to people all the time. It is so out of character for me to be mean, and I was, and can't make it up to him. I think I will feel this pain and regret deeply always.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Doll Face, Your feelings of regret and guilt are very real to you but they will fade over time. We are only human and you were only reacting in a human way in that situation, at that moment. Your husband has already forgiven you. When he transitioned over, it is to a place surrounded by peace and love. He knows and understands now what he did to himself and how his behavior affected you. He is not upset or angry with you. He loves you even more for being there, loving him and tolerating his illness for as long as you did. We all have our breaking points with certain situations and he does not hold this against you. Please, forgive yourself for for he has.   (HUGS)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now