Father passed away unexpectedly

[anmitchell2017]

On April 6th, my father had surgery to remove cancer, surgery went very well, all the cancer was removed.  The following night and following day, he was feeling great and was optimistic his hospital stay would not be a full week because he was feeling so good.  He was a very healthy, active 73 year old who loved being retired, living in Florida and playing golf nearly every day with his friends.  His favorite saying after moving to Florida from Ohio was "Life is Good".  My parents marriage was wonderful, they were soulmates for 51 years.

ANyway, on Saturday April 8th, while still in the hospital, he began feeling more pain and just not feeling well.  One thing led to another and he first had no blood pressure, then his kidneys stopped working and was put on dialysis.  After much pain and suffering he suddenly passed on Sunday April 9th.  

I am so completely heartbroken and sad.  I think the fact that he suffered before passing is what is killing me the most.  Also, I didn't go see him on Saturday as planned, because my mother called and said he was not feeling well and needed to rest.  Who knew he would die the next day?  The surgeon and rest of the team have no answer as to what happened or what caused his death, except to say that his blood pressure was too low for too long.

I have many days that I can't focus on any thing else but how much I miss him and how guilty I feel for not seeing him or comforting him when he was suffering.  I know this is all normal, but I don't know how to cope and I am hoping this forum will help.  At least talking to others who have been through this.

[reader]

Dear anmitchell2017,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your father. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the pain and sorrow is unbearable. Its a terrible shock. 

During these early days of grief, I think the only thing we can do is take it moment by moment. And continue to surround yourself with loving friends and family. Try to be kind and gentle with yourself. I know you loved your father very much. Its always easier said than done, but how could you know things would change so quickly. The doctor told me my dad had heart failure and we could expect him to live 6 months to one year and then he passes 2 days later. I too feel guilty. I badly wish we all could go back in time.

Please know we are all here to listen and support you in anyway we can.

Sending you and your family all my thoughts and prayers.

[jordan-]

I lost my dad when i was 9 to a car crash which killed him. Its been 8 years and i still struggle so much, theres days i just want to end my life, want to give up. Times im in work and just stare at 1 thing because all i can think about is him. I still hate myself for not seeing him or being there to help/ comfort him, i wish i knew if he was in pain for long or if he wasnt in pain because of the force his head hit. 

Its normal to feel how your feeling, take it day by day, your always going to miss him. But remember he will be watching over you and wouldnt want you to upset 

[The Girl]

I'm so sorry you lost your dad so unexpectedly.  These things don't always come with much warning, and sometimes, like in your situation, they happen when you're feeling hopeful.  

You mentioned one of the hardest parts for you is knowing he suffered before it happened.  If it's any consolation, when BP drops dangerously low, it generally causes the patient to feel much more tired than usual, so they spend much of the time sleeping.  My mom's BP was severely low on two different occasions, for her both were caused by septic shock.  The first time she was already in the hospital for other health problems, and they rushed her to ICU.  I spent 4 or 5 days with her, by her side 12 hours a day and communicating while she was awake, and she didn't remember me being there.  The last time there were complications from her BP dropping and she didn't make it, but I was with her much of that time and mostly she slept.  I would anxiously research for any information I could find and that was just the norm.  I hope it helps you some when I say we don't suffer in our sleep.  I'm extremely sorry for what your dad went through but I hope he shared what many others do and was able to sleep peacefully through much of it. 

Yes, what you're experiencing is normal, but it doesn't make it any easier.  It's a lot to digest and come to terms with.  Adapting to that new life is hard to swallow, but it comes slowly.  Talking helps.  Getting it out, giving in to your feelings, and laying it out there so you can understand it.