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The man I loved passed away.


WaHaaf99

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Hey everyone. So I am new here and I feel miserable. I am so sad.

So I'll type this story quickly and probably add more later. So I met a man in September. It was about two weeks after my birthday. Instantly we made a connection. It was very nice but we stayed more than friends but not in a relationship for a few months for a few reasons.

I have OCD, and during that time I got very paranoid. I was a mess, and we would have conflict or issues at times. But we would resolve them. We dated in January and he told me was sick. He had the flu, but he had something else too.

We broke up in late February / Early March. I managed to get in contact a few days later and we became closer again but we never dated because his sickness got worse and he was in the hospital more.

Easter Sunday, he told me he wanted to marry me. It was not a proposal, he just told me in the future he wants to marry me and I said yes, of course we can. Obviously not within the next year, but in the future, yes. We spoke in Portuguese, and since I speak English too, he said, "I Love You." in English and I was so happy. I said, "I Love You Too." In English back. I taught him another phrase too.

So, OCD became severe the next day for a few reasons, and we had a bit of an issue, but then we just kind of left that. He turned his cell phone off Wednesday but we didn't text that Tuesday... And the next Monday, his aunt texted me and told me the bad news. (24 April 2017.) He died from pneumonia.

Since then, I have felt guilty, but more in grief. I cry each night and pray. I act normal and happy in public, but he is always in my mind and each night I just cry and feel miserable.

I want to say I am glad to be here to know I can have some support.

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I am so sorry for you loss and know the pain you are experiencing.  Losing someone you truly care about is the must heartbreaking experience for anyone to go through; I felt that way and still do after losing my husband of nearly 45 years.  I hope you find some comfort in knowing that the short time you spent together, you both were happy. 

10 hours ago, WaHaaf99 said:

Since then, I have felt guilty, but more in grief. I cry each night and pray. I act normal and happy in public, but he is always in my mind and each night I just cry and feel miserable.

I want to say I am glad to be here to know I can have some support.

Experiencing the death of someone so special affects your head, heart and spirit so you will experience a wide variety of emotions including confusion; guilt,fear, anger are just a few you might encounter.  Sometimes they might follow each other within a short period of time or they may occur simultaneously.  As strange as it may seem, they are are normal and healthy.  If you have not yet done so, find a support system of caring friends and relatives who will provide the understanding you so desperately need.  Find out if there are support groups in your area you might want to attend.  I've joined some and they are extremely beneficial in getting me through this situation.  Reaching out to others and accepting support can be difficult, particularly when you hurt s o bad, but is the most compassionate self-action you can take and do for yourself.

If you must cry; then cry -  your eyes out - tears are good.  Crying is like a thundershower for the soul; what flows is alive and after a summer's rain, the air always feel wonderful.  Change is inevitable and is coming;   I know you feel guilty, but don't be harsh or too demanding on yourself.   Don't think too much; breathe; have faith that things will get better.  Continue to pray, I do it all the times.  When I'm low, I cry, pray, cry and pray so more.   If not for prayer and my belief in God, I wouldn't have made it thus far.  When we pray, God hears more than we say, answers more than we ask, and gives more than we can ever imagine - in HIS own time and HIS own way.

I hope you continue to post here - we are all here to uplift, support and encourage one another.  Stay strong and be blessed.

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11 hours ago, WaHaaf99 said:

I act normal and happy in public, but he is always in my mind and each night I just cry and feel miserable.

I want to say I am glad to be here to know I can have some support.

I put on the same mask as you. I suspect we all do in one way or another. We put on a brave face when we are around family or friends but inside we are weeping. I sometimes wonder if people think, "Wow he isn't sad at all" or "He's doing great". I am conflicted when I put on the brave face. On one hand I don't want to bring people down. I don't want them to feel uncomfortable or be as sad as I am. On the other, I want them to know that I am NOT ok. I hurt more then they could ever imagine. It's something I really struggle with. I fear that if I wear my heart on my sleeve then people will stop inviting me out and stop calling. I mean who wants to be around someone who is sad all the time? But I still put on a show for everyone and as soon as I leave friends and family to go home the dark veil lowers over me again and reality slaps me in the face all over again. I don't like this new reality but it is where I am. When Lori first died I thought I was walking a long and painful road alone but I know I have people here walking with me. Encouraging each other and making sure we find our way.

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11 hours ago, WaHaaf99 said:

Since then, I have felt guilty, but more in grief. I cry each night and pray. I act normal and happy in public, but he is always in my mind and each night I just cry and feel miserable.

You do have our support.  I am so sorry for your loss.  It is common to feel guilt in grief, but that doesn't mean it's fact based, it is our feelings and they're all over the place.  Guilt's only positive role is to point out something we need to change, and once we've learned it, we can let guilt go.  In this situation, it's not something you need to learn, so yiou can let go when guilt comes greeting.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html 

He knows you love him, and I'm glad he was able to express his wishes to you.  (((hugs)))

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WaHaaf99, I am deeply sorry for your loss. We are all here for you. We will listen, offer solace and understand.  Prayers of peace and comfort to you.

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Eagle-96, I ask myself why do I even wear the mask in public? It is exhausting. I finally went in to get a much needed haircut yesterday afternoon. I've been going to the same place for years and I get to hear* you are looking better and you sound better*. Not really. Peel the mask off and I'm a crying, lonely for my husband, basket case on the inside. If society saw the *real* me, I would probably get dragged off to a hospital, the last place I need to be. So, I have to keep wearing the mask.

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10 hours ago, KMB said:

Eagle-96, I ask myself why do I even wear the mask in public? It is exhausting. I finally went in to get a much needed haircut yesterday afternoon. I've been going to the same place for years and I get to hear* you are looking better and you sound better*. Not really. Peel the mask off and I'm a crying, lonely for my husband, basket case on the inside. If society saw the *real* me, I would probably get dragged off to a hospital, the last place I need to be. So, I have to keep wearing the mask.

Strange, I got my haircut yesterday. It was the first one since Lori passed. The woman that cuts my hair knows Lori and I as she used to cut her hair in the past and even did her makeup and hair for our wedding. The appointment was strange. I could tell she was uncomfortable. Just small talk the entire time. It's like she was afraid to bring Lori up(and she probably was) for fear of upsetting me. Of course I wore the mask as if everything was fine even though it wasn't. Sometimes it's just easier to smile and pretend rather than have to explain that we're pretty far from ok. I am blessed, however, that I don't have to pretend with my close friends. They have been hit pretty hard by this as well so we are pretty comfortable telling it like it is to each other.  

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It should be a reminder to all that what we see is not what is going on inside of people.  I mentioned earlier that our pastor has been speaking on removing our masks and being authentic...I don't think we can at work or in public, but maybe with those closer.  Of course he's not speaking in reference to grief.  The truth is, sometimes our masks protect us.  We don't want to have to explain ourselves continually, nor should we have to.  And the truth also is that in general, not everyone really wants to know how we are even when they ask.  it's a formality, it doesn't mean anything in general...but it should mean something when family and close friends ask.  And we should be able to tell them, but they won't likely get it.  I think this is where grief support groups can be helpful, if it's the right one, where interaction is given opportunity.  The people who understand are people who have been there.  My mom and I used to be able to talk because she'd lost my dad so she understood, but after she got dementia, she didn't even remember George, that was hard.

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You both are reminding me that I have not had my hair cut since before Pat died. I should make an appointment soon. I'm sure it would give me a little boost. Thanks for the reminder!

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I hate having to wear a mask in public. I never had to *before*. I've always been true to myself, authentic. A trait my husband and I both shared. There are times I do wear the mask in front of the ones I'm closest to, just because they don't know what to say or do when I break down. They think I am getting *better*. Why burst their bubble and make us all miserable?  Losing the person closest to me has definitely changed me, but I don't know yet if it is a positive or a negative.

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HHfaith, A haircut does give a boost, maybe temporary, but every little boost does help in the long term!   (HUGS)

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

I hate having to wear a mask in public. I never had to *before*. I've always been true to myself, authentic. A trait my husband and I both shared. There are times I do wear the mask in front of the ones I'm closest to, just because they don't know what to say or do when I break down. They think I am getting *better*. Why burst their bubble and make us all miserable?  Losing the person closest to me has definitely changed me, but I don't know yet if it is a positive or a negative.

I still wear the mask in public, at work, etc...I finally just started speaking frankly to my friends. I put my feelings out there when they ask. I tell them exactly what I am feeling. I am blessed that my friends don't judge me and let me just talk. I had a GREAT 2 hour conversation that helped one of my friends that isn't coping well with Lori's loss to open up as well. He's at a very angry point in the process and is having trouble accepting the fairness of her passing. I am starting to realize that I am not the only one grieving Lori. There are many others(family, friends, co-workers) too and I have to be cognizant of their unique grief as well. Like my friend told me soon after Lori died, "When you cant walk this path, I'll carry you". 

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55 minutes ago, KMB said:

I hate having to wear a mask in public. I never had to *before*. I've always been true to myself, authentic. A trait my husband and I both shared. There are times I do wear the mask in front of the ones I'm closest to, just because they don't know what to say or do when I break down. They think I am getting *better*. Why burst their bubble and make us all miserable?  Losing the person closest to me has definitely changed me, but I don't know yet if it is a positive or a negative.

I feel you - The way I'm feeling now, it is definitely a *negative* change.   Since I lost my Charles, I wear a mask - it hides my true appearance.  Is that a good thing?  I don't know but like you KMB, I don't want to be the bubble buster in the room.  My true appearance is not a good one at this time and I can't say if it ever will be, but it is what it is, good or bad.  I find it funny how a smile can hide a broken heart and how the masking of your feelings is a secret art.  With all the happiness my Charles brought me, I never imagined I could experience so much pain.

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On 5/19/2017 at 0:05 PM, Francine said:

I feel you - The way I'm feeling now, it is definitely a *negative* change.   Since I lost my Charles, I wear a mask - it hides my true appearance.  Is that a good thing?  I don't know but like you KMB, I don't want to be the bubble buster in the room.  My true appearance is not a good one at this time and I can't say if it ever will be, but it is what it is, good or bad.  I find it funny how a smile can hide a broken heart and how the masking of your feelings is a secret art.  With all the happiness my Charles brought me, I never imagined I could experience so much pain.

The strange paradox of wearing the mask is that inside you are in the throes of grief while the mask makes you appear to others that you are "fine", "doing great", or "over the grief". People think you are ok again and then when you take the mask off and let those same people see the true pain you are in they think, "oh no, poor Francine, she was doing so well". They don't seem to understand that we were never really "fine" or "over it". It's almost a no win situation. I am trying to find a balance between letting people know how I really feel and not being a bubble buster like you said. Its a difficult task because, if I'm being honest, sometimes I really don't care if I bring the room down.

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On 5/19/2017 at 9:39 AM, Eagle-96 said:

Like my friend told me soon after Lori died, "When you cant walk this path, I'll carry you". 

You have a good friend!

At my ladies group yesterday we had this discussion (about wearing masks) and they agreed that it's helpful to wear masks at times, like at work, dental appt., etc.  Not everyone needs to know how we're feeling.  But we should be able to be authentic with some people, at least some of the time!  We need to have people in our lives that we can get real with, that we don't have to "protect" from our pain.  People that care.  I'm working on building friendships this year...when George died all our friends disappeared, I built other friends but they've moved or died since, so I'm working on that again.  It's important to be able to be real if you want true friendship, like Eagle said, it's good to find a balance.  We don't want to be Debbie Downer all the time, but we should be able to "let down" sometimes.  I think when we're authentic with others it helps them be authentic with us, it opens the door for them to feel they can come to us when they need that authenticity, that person they can be themselves with.  We all need acceptance.

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Hey everyone. Thanks for the responses. It has not even been a month, and I still feel just as bad. I don't think I want to date anymore. Honestly, I know nobody (in my mind) can be as great of a guy as him - personality and attractiveness - he was everything I asked for. But anyway, how does everyone cope with the loneliness? I can't stand the thought of not being able to have conversations or the personal interactions with him, such as laughing or being together.

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Like everyone else, yeah... I have that mask on. I had to start acting normal soon after. Some days, I cry a little or tear up, other days I feel like I did the day I found out / that week. It is a roller coaster for me.

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The loneliness is hard.  I don't date either.  There is no one like him, we connected so well, it was amazing.

I try to get out nearly every day, I'm involved in things, do a lot of volunteer work.  I never minded solitude, but it's different now after having had him in my life.  Knowing there's no one that cares about me like he did is hard.  No one to consult about decisions, no one to help.  I got some bees in my house and discovered a couple of holes in my screen.  I can't figure out how to get the frame out to replace the screen, so I put duct tape over the holes.  He would have had it done in a minute. :(

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31 minutes ago, KayC said:

The loneliness is hard.  I don't date either.  There is no one like him, we connected so well, it was amazing.

I try to get out nearly every day, I'm involved in things, do a lot of volunteer work.  I never minded solitude, but it's different now after having had him in my life.  Knowing there's no one that cares about me like he did is hard.  No one to consult about decisions, no one to help.  I got some bees in my house and discovered a couple of holes in my screen.  I can't figure out how to get the frame out to replace the screen, so I put duct tape over the holes.  He would have had it done in a minute. :(

I go back to a Betty White quote. Larry King asked her after the death of her husband if she would remarry and she said: "Once you've had the best, who needs the rest". That sums it up for me better than I ever could. Loneliness is crippling for me sometimes but I could never meet anyone as evenly yoked for me as Lori. My sister-in-law shared a conversation with me that her and Lori had a few months ago about relationships and Lori told her that "Sean and I just get each other". That statement makes me both happy and sad. In my heart I just know that I can't ever find that again. 

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KayC, Do you have old pieces of screen? If you cannot get the frame out, maybe cutting out old pieces of screen and gluing around the edges to cover the holes. I know that hardware stores have those little screen repair kits that work on the same principle if you don't like looking at duct tape.  Just an idea!!

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I guess one thing is that life feels so long now. I am young. He was honestly my first love. Not the first time I dated, but the first person I actually loved. I started to actually love him around mid-November 2016, about 2 months after we first met. It seems rushed, but I did develop feelings, so by the time he passed away, my love was much stronger. So it is like, I have this whole life in front of me - and he is not in it anymore. If I may ask, how long has everyone been grieving?

I might be celibate forever, but that want for him is here. So I begin to feel extremely lonely. Then it spirals, and we all know how that feels. I just hope he can see and hear me, you know what I mean? I have little things typed in my phone that has happened since then. I just got done from a crying session about an hour ago. I am currently about to eat and I am here with the music on a speaker and typing this.

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On 5/18/2017 at 7:50 AM, Eagle-96 said:

I put on the same mask as you. I suspect we all do in one way or another. We put on a brave face when we are around family or friends but inside we are weeping. I sometimes wonder if people think, "Wow he isn't sad at all" or "He's doing great". I am conflicted when I put on the brave face. On one hand I don't want to bring people down. I don't want them to feel uncomfortable or be as sad as I am. On the other, I want them to know that I am NOT ok. I hurt more then they could ever imagine. It's something I really struggle with. I fear that if I wear my heart on my sleeve then people will stop inviting me out and stop calling. I mean who wants to be around someone who is sad all the time? But I still put on a show for everyone and as soon as I leave friends and family to go home the dark veil lowers over me again and reality slaps me in the face all over again. I don't like this new reality but it is where I am. When Lori first died I thought I was walking a long and painful road alone but I know I have people here walking with me. Encouraging each other and making sure we find our way.

Thank you for so eloquently describing how I and I'm sure many of us in this community feel. Putting on the happy face and acting normal, trying not to make others uncomfortable when deep inside we're miserable and feel such emptiness. I pretty much keep to myself and there is no one calling anymore. This forum has been a Godsend. WaHaaf99, keep posting and sharing. You've found a new family and group of friends who know exactly how you feel and will provide tremendous understanding, compassion, support and guidance. Take care!

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22 hours ago, KMB said:

KayC, Do you have old pieces of screen? If you cannot get the frame out, maybe cutting out old pieces of screen and gluing around the edges to cover the holes. I know that hardware stores have those little screen repair kits that work on the same principle if you don't like looking at duct tape.  Just an idea!!

Thanks for the idea!  I think I do have some extra screen, I'll check into that!

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15 hours ago, WaHaaf99 said:

how long has everyone been grieving?

12 years next month, but I want to point out that it doesn't stay the same, it evolves.  Thank God!  If it stayed in the same intensity, we couldn't handle it.  But getting used to life without our husband here with us is something ongoing, especially as we face the challenges of entering old age alone.

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16 hours ago, WaHaaf99 said:

If I may ask, how long has everyone been grieving?

For me, a tad over 9 months. Feels longer than that some days. I feel time messes with our minds. I will be turning 58 a few weeks after the one year mark. I have no desire to date anyone. My husband and I gave fully to each other and I cannot comprehend doing that with anyone else. I couldn't do that with anyone else. I am still adjusting to living alone and it is only my husband I am lonely for. He knew me better than I know myself. He knew just the right things to say to me during our conversations. He knew when to be there for me and when to give me space. He would bring me surprise gifts or take me somewhere to show me something he considered special. He was one of a kind for me and I have so much to cherish.

In a few weeks, my oldest daughter is moving back in with me for a time. She has outgrown her job and no more advancement is available. She will be company for me and give me a purpose until she finds another job and moves out. She can't wait for me to cook for her. I haven't done any cooking since my husband has been gone. It hurts to look at the pots, pans, the dishes he used. It hurts to remember all the meals I cooked over the years. I've been existing on snack food, microwave trays and deli stuff. Nothing is easy when you are used to doing for two and now it is just one.

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

I haven't done any cooking since my husband has been gone. It hurts to look at the pots, pans, the dishes he used. It hurts to remember all the meals I cooked over the years. I've been existing on snack food, microwave trays and deli stuff. Nothing is easy when you are used to doing for two and now it is just one.

Lori and I used to cook a lot. It is one of the memories I flashback to when thinking of good times. I too haven't cooked and I am on a diet of microwave meals and fast food right now. I would give anything on earth to just be able to cook one more meal with her. It's like my pots and pans are just sitting there gathering dust. My mother-in-law would say she never cooks anymore because she was cooking for one since 2012 when she lost Lori's dad. That statement hits me like a ton of bricks now.

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So I don't have much time at this moment, but I wanted to know what are all of your opinions on Cardinal Birds?

He wanted to be a veterinarian, he already had a job... He knew I didn't like it, but he didn't either really. But, he always wanted to be a veterinarian and he loved animals and even owned parakeets. But that is off topic... But has anyone heard about the Cardinals? I saw one about a week ago. I thought, maybe it could have been a sign of some sort?

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The cardinal you saw could very well have been a sign from your beloved. Especially if they are not common and see them all the time. Many people swear seeing cardinals are signs.  I'm happy for you that you had a confirmation that your beloved is at peace and watching over you.  (HUGS)

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I think when you see something that was special to the two of you or to him then it's likely a sign from him.  For me it's hummingbirds, dragonflies, rainbows.

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Hummingbirds are very special to us both, but those are quite common here. Not at my house, so if I saw one near me... Very special. But birds in general were very special to us. So a cardinal is something that maybe? Someone near me saw it first, and they said look there is a cardinal! So I looked as it was flying off to the distance. I thought it was very neat, and I thought that would be nice if it were a sign, since they seemed impressed by it being here. As soon as I thought if it were a sign? They said, "They say if you see one, it means they are visiting or communicating in some way after one has passed away." So I thought wow! Maybe. And I smiled.

I'll answer some more replies in a few hours.

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We have a 30' patio that is on stilts as our home sits on a hill, and we have hanging plants all across it.  When George died, we had a huge pot of pansies, which were special to both of us, he called them the smiling flower. :)  A year after he died, a pansy sprung up on the ground below the patio.  In 40 years here, I've never seen that happen, and that it happened with a pansy is particularly odd.  You see, I live in the mountains and get lots of snow, and I've never had the pansies "come back", always had to start with new plants the next year.  I felt it was a sign from him, it only happened that first year.  Yes, when we encounter an oddity such as this, it's easier to recognize as a sign. 

When George died there was a humongous thunder and lightening storm and at his moment of death a triple rainbow appeared.  My sister took a picture of it, one of them didn't show in the picture but it was there...to see something such as this will always take me back to that moment of George's grand entrance into heaven. :)

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That is a really sweet story. :). I'm sure that it a clear sign! Especially since it never happened before. I am certain that was a sign and that makes me a smile.

I hope our loved ones can see us and hear us. I hope I don't sound crazy, but I saw a TV show a while ago, her husband passed away, and she would talk to him. Not in a "magical" way or anything like that, but just talking out loud like he could hear. It might be hard to describe, but I do that a little each night and pray to God etc., Just to not feel so lonely you know?

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It is not crazy at all to talk to our loved ones out loud. They can see and hear us (my belief). This life would not have much meaning if we didn't have our beliefs. God hears and sees us too. We get plenty of love, understanding and guidance from Heaven. We have only to pray and to listen. We are never *alone*, even though it might seem like it.  (HUGS)

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2 hours ago, WaHaaf99 said:

That is a really sweet story. :). I'm sure that it a clear sign! Especially since it never happened before. I am certain that was a sign and that makes me a smile.

I hope our loved ones can see us and hear us. I hope I don't sound crazy, but I saw a TV show a while ago, her husband passed away, and she would talk to him. Not in a "magical" way or anything like that, but just talking out loud like he could hear. It might be hard to describe, but I do that a little each night and pray to God etc., Just to not feel so lonely you know?

I believe that our soul, consciousness, spirit, whatever your prefer, carries on. I believe it's our "true" self, our essence, memory, love, joy, released from our mortal struggles, we are as we are intended to be. Of course, this is my opinion, based on personal beliefs and experiences. My point is, after all that, is that when you talk, I think they hear us. I talk to my wife all the time, at work, at home, out driving, in a store (not out loud, don't want people staring), wherever. I don't expect "replies", I don't think it works that way, not on our timetable anyway. I think it's perfectly normal and appropriate to talk to our beloveds on the "other side". I think there are "signs", sometimes we see, sometimes we don't. I believe that we live in an infinitely complex pattern of reality, and while living in it as we do, we don't "see" it. After we pass on though, from the vantage point of this enlightened perspective, I believe it can be seen. They see us and love us, quitely encouraging us to find a way to carry on. Not move on, but carry on, to move forward. 

I'm sorry for your loss, your pain. It saddens me every time someone new joins this forum. I'm glad you found "us", I hope you continue to reach out, as you need to, but I wish you didn't have that need. I wish your life, and everyone else's life, turned out without this loss. 

Peace and comfort,

Andy

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I talk to my husband all the time.  No one can prove to me that he can't hear me! :)  I wouldn't tell a doctor this, I might get hauled away, but I can assure you that most of us here do this!

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I certainly do!!  I ask him for guidance as I move forward. I need all the help I can get!

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I do want to say thanks to everyone. I'll have many new things to say in the future. I just feel so lonely. It happened last month, it feels like two different things. Like it happened just yesterday, but at the same time like it has been forever ago.

I really do hope he made it, last year he said he didn't really "participate" in religion but he did believe and have faith in God. However, I realized later on, he really started to believe more and had much more faith. I always told him to pray and I'll pray for him, he was thankful for that and he would always tell me to have faith in God. He went to church some, and even on his old Facebook he had a banner saying to put all troubles to God. To talk to Jesus. His statuses were about God and how God would heal him and how he felt better with his healing and sickness. Before, I was a believer, and I remember when he said the first time or the first few times to have faith in God, I said yes of course, but I was kind of like, ''ok" and never gave it a second thought much, I prayed but he truly helped me become more faithful too and now I read the Bible each night and pray daily and he truly made a difference in my life...

... So with that being said - before I become sad/scared again - I really hope he made it. I do miss him and love him a lot. I hope he is doing well and watching me and as always I'll talk to him and pray for him to God.

I'll be an active member on this site for sure. :).

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9 hours ago, KayC said:

WaHaaf99
I'm sure he made it, all it takes is belief. ;)

Thank you. :).

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