Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
WaHaaf99

The man I loved passed away.

25 posts in this topic

Hey everyone. So I am new here and I feel miserable. I am so sad.

So I'll type this story quickly and probably add more later. So I met a man in September. It was about two weeks after my birthday. Instantly we made a connection. It was very nice but we stayed more than friends but not in a relationship for a few months for a few reasons.

I have OCD, and during that time I got very paranoid. I was a mess, and we would have conflict or issues at times. But we would resolve them. We dated in January and he told me was sick. He had the flu, but he had something else too.

We broke up in late February / Early March. I managed to get in contact a few days later and we became closer again but we never dated because his sickness got worse and he was in the hospital more.

Easter Sunday, he told me he wanted to marry me. It was not a proposal, he just told me in the future he wants to marry me and I said yes, of course we can. Obviously not within the next year, but in the future, yes. We spoke in Portuguese, and since I speak English too, he said, "I Love You." in English and I was so happy. I said, "I Love You Too." In English back. I taught him another phrase too.

So, OCD became severe the next day for a few reasons, and we had a bit of an issue, but then we just kind of left that. He turned his cell phone off Wednesday but we didn't text that Tuesday... And the next Monday, his aunt texted me and told me the bad news. (24 April 2017.) He died from pneumonia.

Since then, I have felt guilty, but more in grief. I cry each night and pray. I act normal and happy in public, but he is always in my mind and each night I just cry and feel miserable.

I want to say I am glad to be here to know I can have some support.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am so sorry for you loss and know the pain you are experiencing.  Losing someone you truly care about is the must heartbreaking experience for anyone to go through; I felt that way and still do after losing my husband of nearly 45 years.  I hope you find some comfort in knowing that the short time you spent together, you both were happy. 

10 hours ago, WaHaaf99 said:

Since then, I have felt guilty, but more in grief. I cry each night and pray. I act normal and happy in public, but he is always in my mind and each night I just cry and feel miserable.

I want to say I am glad to be here to know I can have some support.

Experiencing the death of someone so special affects your head, heart and spirit so you will experience a wide variety of emotions including confusion; guilt,fear, anger are just a few you might encounter.  Sometimes they might follow each other within a short period of time or they may occur simultaneously.  As strange as it may seem, they are are normal and healthy.  If you have not yet done so, find a support system of caring friends and relatives who will provide the understanding you so desperately need.  Find out if there are support groups in your area you might want to attend.  I've joined some and they are extremely beneficial in getting me through this situation.  Reaching out to others and accepting support can be difficult, particularly when you hurt s o bad, but is the most compassionate self-action you can take and do for yourself.

If you must cry; then cry -  your eyes out - tears are good.  Crying is like a thundershower for the soul; what flows is alive and after a summer's rain, the air always feel wonderful.  Change is inevitable and is coming;   I know you feel guilty, but don't be harsh or too demanding on yourself.   Don't think too much; breathe; have faith that things will get better.  Continue to pray, I do it all the times.  When I'm low, I cry, pray, cry and pray so more.   If not for prayer and my belief in God, I wouldn't have made it thus far.  When we pray, God hears more than we say, answers more than we ask, and gives more than we can ever imagine - in HIS own time and HIS own way.

I hope you continue to post here - we are all here to uplift, support and encourage one another.  Stay strong and be blessed.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, WaHaaf99 said:

I act normal and happy in public, but he is always in my mind and each night I just cry and feel miserable.

I want to say I am glad to be here to know I can have some support.

I put on the same mask as you. I suspect we all do in one way or another. We put on a brave face when we are around family or friends but inside we are weeping. I sometimes wonder if people think, "Wow he isn't sad at all" or "He's doing great". I am conflicted when I put on the brave face. On one hand I don't want to bring people down. I don't want them to feel uncomfortable or be as sad as I am. On the other, I want them to know that I am NOT ok. I hurt more then they could ever imagine. It's something I really struggle with. I fear that if I wear my heart on my sleeve then people will stop inviting me out and stop calling. I mean who wants to be around someone who is sad all the time? But I still put on a show for everyone and as soon as I leave friends and family to go home the dark veil lowers over me again and reality slaps me in the face all over again. I don't like this new reality but it is where I am. When Lori first died I thought I was walking a long and painful road alone but I know I have people here walking with me. Encouraging each other and making sure we find our way.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, WaHaaf99 said:

Since then, I have felt guilty, but more in grief. I cry each night and pray. I act normal and happy in public, but he is always in my mind and each night I just cry and feel miserable.

You do have our support.  I am so sorry for your loss.  It is common to feel guilt in grief, but that doesn't mean it's fact based, it is our feelings and they're all over the place.  Guilt's only positive role is to point out something we need to change, and once we've learned it, we can let guilt go.  In this situation, it's not something you need to learn, so yiou can let go when guilt comes greeting.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html 

He knows you love him, and I'm glad he was able to express his wishes to you.  (((hugs)))

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

WaHaaf99, I am deeply sorry for your loss. We are all here for you. We will listen, offer solace and understand.  Prayers of peace and comfort to you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Eagle-96, I ask myself why do I even wear the mask in public? It is exhausting. I finally went in to get a much needed haircut yesterday afternoon. I've been going to the same place for years and I get to hear* you are looking better and you sound better*. Not really. Peel the mask off and I'm a crying, lonely for my husband, basket case on the inside. If society saw the *real* me, I would probably get dragged off to a hospital, the last place I need to be. So, I have to keep wearing the mask.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, KMB said:

Eagle-96, I ask myself why do I even wear the mask in public? It is exhausting. I finally went in to get a much needed haircut yesterday afternoon. I've been going to the same place for years and I get to hear* you are looking better and you sound better*. Not really. Peel the mask off and I'm a crying, lonely for my husband, basket case on the inside. If society saw the *real* me, I would probably get dragged off to a hospital, the last place I need to be. So, I have to keep wearing the mask.

Strange, I got my haircut yesterday. It was the first one since Lori passed. The woman that cuts my hair knows Lori and I as she used to cut her hair in the past and even did her makeup and hair for our wedding. The appointment was strange. I could tell she was uncomfortable. Just small talk the entire time. It's like she was afraid to bring Lori up(and she probably was) for fear of upsetting me. Of course I wore the mask as if everything was fine even though it wasn't. Sometimes it's just easier to smile and pretend rather than have to explain that we're pretty far from ok. I am blessed, however, that I don't have to pretend with my close friends. They have been hit pretty hard by this as well so we are pretty comfortable telling it like it is to each other.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It should be a reminder to all that what we see is not what is going on inside of people.  I mentioned earlier that our pastor has been speaking on removing our masks and being authentic...I don't think we can at work or in public, but maybe with those closer.  Of course he's not speaking in reference to grief.  The truth is, sometimes our masks protect us.  We don't want to have to explain ourselves continually, nor should we have to.  And the truth also is that in general, not everyone really wants to know how we are even when they ask.  it's a formality, it doesn't mean anything in general...but it should mean something when family and close friends ask.  And we should be able to tell them, but they won't likely get it.  I think this is where grief support groups can be helpful, if it's the right one, where interaction is given opportunity.  The people who understand are people who have been there.  My mom and I used to be able to talk because she'd lost my dad so she understood, but after she got dementia, she didn't even remember George, that was hard.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You both are reminding me that I have not had my hair cut since before Pat died. I should make an appointment soon. I'm sure it would give me a little boost. Thanks for the reminder!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I hate having to wear a mask in public. I never had to *before*. I've always been true to myself, authentic. A trait my husband and I both shared. There are times I do wear the mask in front of the ones I'm closest to, just because they don't know what to say or do when I break down. They think I am getting *better*. Why burst their bubble and make us all miserable?  Losing the person closest to me has definitely changed me, but I don't know yet if it is a positive or a negative.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

HHfaith, A haircut does give a boost, maybe temporary, but every little boost does help in the long term!   (HUGS)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, KMB said:

I hate having to wear a mask in public. I never had to *before*. I've always been true to myself, authentic. A trait my husband and I both shared. There are times I do wear the mask in front of the ones I'm closest to, just because they don't know what to say or do when I break down. They think I am getting *better*. Why burst their bubble and make us all miserable?  Losing the person closest to me has definitely changed me, but I don't know yet if it is a positive or a negative.

I still wear the mask in public, at work, etc...I finally just started speaking frankly to my friends. I put my feelings out there when they ask. I tell them exactly what I am feeling. I am blessed that my friends don't judge me and let me just talk. I had a GREAT 2 hour conversation that helped one of my friends that isn't coping well with Lori's loss to open up as well. He's at a very angry point in the process and is having trouble accepting the fairness of her passing. I am starting to realize that I am not the only one grieving Lori. There are many others(family, friends, co-workers) too and I have to be cognizant of their unique grief as well. Like my friend told me soon after Lori died, "When you cant walk this path, I'll carry you". 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
55 minutes ago, KMB said:

I hate having to wear a mask in public. I never had to *before*. I've always been true to myself, authentic. A trait my husband and I both shared. There are times I do wear the mask in front of the ones I'm closest to, just because they don't know what to say or do when I break down. They think I am getting *better*. Why burst their bubble and make us all miserable?  Losing the person closest to me has definitely changed me, but I don't know yet if it is a positive or a negative.

I feel you - The way I'm feeling now, it is definitely a *negative* change.   Since I lost my Charles, I wear a mask - it hides my true appearance.  Is that a good thing?  I don't know but like you KMB, I don't want to be the bubble buster in the room.  My true appearance is not a good one at this time and I can't say if it ever will be, but it is what it is, good or bad.  I find it funny how a smile can hide a broken heart and how the masking of your feelings is a secret art.  With all the happiness my Charles brought me, I never imagined I could experience so much pain.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/19/2017 at 0:05 PM, Francine said:

I feel you - The way I'm feeling now, it is definitely a *negative* change.   Since I lost my Charles, I wear a mask - it hides my true appearance.  Is that a good thing?  I don't know but like you KMB, I don't want to be the bubble buster in the room.  My true appearance is not a good one at this time and I can't say if it ever will be, but it is what it is, good or bad.  I find it funny how a smile can hide a broken heart and how the masking of your feelings is a secret art.  With all the happiness my Charles brought me, I never imagined I could experience so much pain.

The strange paradox of wearing the mask is that inside you are in the throes of grief while the mask makes you appear to others that you are "fine", "doing great", or "over the grief". People think you are ok again and then when you take the mask off and let those same people see the true pain you are in they think, "oh no, poor Francine, she was doing so well". They don't seem to understand that we were never really "fine" or "over it". It's almost a no win situation. I am trying to find a balance between letting people know how I really feel and not being a bubble buster like you said. Its a difficult task because, if I'm being honest, sometimes I really don't care if I bring the room down.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/19/2017 at 9:39 AM, Eagle-96 said:

Like my friend told me soon after Lori died, "When you cant walk this path, I'll carry you". 

You have a good friend!

At my ladies group yesterday we had this discussion (about wearing masks) and they agreed that it's helpful to wear masks at times, like at work, dental appt., etc.  Not everyone needs to know how we're feeling.  But we should be able to be authentic with some people, at least some of the time!  We need to have people in our lives that we can get real with, that we don't have to "protect" from our pain.  People that care.  I'm working on building friendships this year...when George died all our friends disappeared, I built other friends but they've moved or died since, so I'm working on that again.  It's important to be able to be real if you want true friendship, like Eagle said, it's good to find a balance.  We don't want to be Debbie Downer all the time, but we should be able to "let down" sometimes.  I think when we're authentic with others it helps them be authentic with us, it opens the door for them to feel they can come to us when they need that authenticity, that person they can be themselves with.  We all need acceptance.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey everyone. Thanks for the responses. It has not even been a month, and I still feel just as bad. I don't think I want to date anymore. Honestly, I know nobody (in my mind) can be as great of a guy as him - personality and attractiveness - he was everything I asked for. But anyway, how does everyone cope with the loneliness? I can't stand the thought of not being able to have conversations or the personal interactions with him, such as laughing or being together.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Like everyone else, yeah... I have that mask on. I had to start acting normal soon after. Some days, I cry a little or tear up, other days I feel like I did the day I found out / that week. It is a roller coaster for me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The loneliness is hard.  I don't date either.  There is no one like him, we connected so well, it was amazing.

I try to get out nearly every day, I'm involved in things, do a lot of volunteer work.  I never minded solitude, but it's different now after having had him in my life.  Knowing there's no one that cares about me like he did is hard.  No one to consult about decisions, no one to help.  I got some bees in my house and discovered a couple of holes in my screen.  I can't figure out how to get the frame out to replace the screen, so I put duct tape over the holes.  He would have had it done in a minute. :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
31 minutes ago, KayC said:

The loneliness is hard.  I don't date either.  There is no one like him, we connected so well, it was amazing.

I try to get out nearly every day, I'm involved in things, do a lot of volunteer work.  I never minded solitude, but it's different now after having had him in my life.  Knowing there's no one that cares about me like he did is hard.  No one to consult about decisions, no one to help.  I got some bees in my house and discovered a couple of holes in my screen.  I can't figure out how to get the frame out to replace the screen, so I put duct tape over the holes.  He would have had it done in a minute. :(

I go back to a Betty White quote. Larry King asked her after the death of her husband if she would remarry and she said: "Once you've had the best, who needs the rest". That sums it up for me better than I ever could. Loneliness is crippling for me sometimes but I could never meet anyone as evenly yoked for me as Lori. My sister-in-law shared a conversation with me that her and Lori had a few months ago about relationships and Lori told her that "Sean and I just get each other". That statement makes me both happy and sad. In my heart I just know that I can't ever find that again. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

KayC, Do you have old pieces of screen? If you cannot get the frame out, maybe cutting out old pieces of screen and gluing around the edges to cover the holes. I know that hardware stores have those little screen repair kits that work on the same principle if you don't like looking at duct tape.  Just an idea!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess one thing is that life feels so long now. I am young. He was honestly my first love. Not the first time I dated, but the first person I actually loved. I started to actually love him around mid-November 2016, about 2 months after we first met. It seems rushed, but I did develop feelings, so by the time he passed away, my love was much stronger. So it is like, I have this whole life in front of me - and he is not in it anymore. If I may ask, how long has everyone been grieving?

I might be celibate forever, but that want for him is here. So I begin to feel extremely lonely. Then it spirals, and we all know how that feels. I just hope he can see and hear me, you know what I mean? I have little things typed in my phone that has happened since then. I just got done from a crying session about an hour ago. I am currently about to eat and I am here with the music on a speaker and typing this.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/18/2017 at 7:50 AM, Eagle-96 said:

I put on the same mask as you. I suspect we all do in one way or another. We put on a brave face when we are around family or friends but inside we are weeping. I sometimes wonder if people think, "Wow he isn't sad at all" or "He's doing great". I am conflicted when I put on the brave face. On one hand I don't want to bring people down. I don't want them to feel uncomfortable or be as sad as I am. On the other, I want them to know that I am NOT ok. I hurt more then they could ever imagine. It's something I really struggle with. I fear that if I wear my heart on my sleeve then people will stop inviting me out and stop calling. I mean who wants to be around someone who is sad all the time? But I still put on a show for everyone and as soon as I leave friends and family to go home the dark veil lowers over me again and reality slaps me in the face all over again. I don't like this new reality but it is where I am. When Lori first died I thought I was walking a long and painful road alone but I know I have people here walking with me. Encouraging each other and making sure we find our way.

Thank you for so eloquently describing how I and I'm sure many of us in this community feel. Putting on the happy face and acting normal, trying not to make others uncomfortable when deep inside we're miserable and feel such emptiness. I pretty much keep to myself and there is no one calling anymore. This forum has been a Godsend. WaHaaf99, keep posting and sharing. You've found a new family and group of friends who know exactly how you feel and will provide tremendous understanding, compassion, support and guidance. Take care!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 hours ago, KMB said:

KayC, Do you have old pieces of screen? If you cannot get the frame out, maybe cutting out old pieces of screen and gluing around the edges to cover the holes. I know that hardware stores have those little screen repair kits that work on the same principle if you don't like looking at duct tape.  Just an idea!!

Thanks for the idea!  I think I do have some extra screen, I'll check into that!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, WaHaaf99 said:

how long has everyone been grieving?

12 years next month, but I want to point out that it doesn't stay the same, it evolves.  Thank God!  If it stayed in the same intensity, we couldn't handle it.  But getting used to life without our husband here with us is something ongoing, especially as we face the challenges of entering old age alone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 hours ago, WaHaaf99 said:

If I may ask, how long has everyone been grieving?

For me, a tad over 9 months. Feels longer than that some days. I feel time messes with our minds. I will be turning 58 a few weeks after the one year mark. I have no desire to date anyone. My husband and I gave fully to each other and I cannot comprehend doing that with anyone else. I couldn't do that with anyone else. I am still adjusting to living alone and it is only my husband I am lonely for. He knew me better than I know myself. He knew just the right things to say to me during our conversations. He knew when to be there for me and when to give me space. He would bring me surprise gifts or take me somewhere to show me something he considered special. He was one of a kind for me and I have so much to cherish.

In a few weeks, my oldest daughter is moving back in with me for a time. She has outgrown her job and no more advancement is available. She will be company for me and give me a purpose until she finds another job and moves out. She can't wait for me to cook for her. I haven't done any cooking since my husband has been gone. It hurts to look at the pots, pans, the dishes he used. It hurts to remember all the meals I cooked over the years. I've been existing on snack food, microwave trays and deli stuff. Nothing is easy when you are used to doing for two and now it is just one.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0