Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

My Fiance Died out of Nowhere


MissGreenKristine

Recommended Posts

  • Members
MissGreenKristine

My best friend and the love of my life died at the beginning of January 2017. I found him unconscious on the floor of our bedroom and I performed CPR right away. He had his shirt off. I remember this. It stings in my eyelids when I close them. He never has his shirt off except to shower or for a brief moment while changing into another shirt. So I knew he must have passed out while changing his clothes. Details like this one stick to me like I'm nothing but a bot fly. Ticky Tape as my face and body collect all of my residue, yours too. 

Todd was was 31 years old. 

I thought the hospital was going to "save" him but his consciousness never returned. He had somehow losses oxygen to his brain for so long that the damage was irreversible. Then the autopsy report explained how he had been born being with a heart irregularity that was a surprise to us all. Nothing made sense. The family decided to turn the machines off after about two days when the doctors told informed everyone that he would never come back to us again. There must have been 30 people crammed in that hospital room to be there when he died. I looked at them looking at him and I almost couldn't breathe myself. My baby began to slump over to his right side as his soul left his body and I scooped him up, crying, saying things to him I don't even remember now and I held onto his heavy, lifeless body hard against my own. I smelled his hair. I knew I was never going to be able to smell that delicious, heavenly smell from his body ever again. The people behind me were accepting his death and I wasn't going to let him go anywhere without me. They, the devil, the fucken Suicide Squad...whoever, pulled me off of him eventually and whatever Hell came next I ran from. 

I go to his grave site every day and lay down in the grass next to him. I miss how he moved, how he walked toward me, how he was sometimes cold and would cover himself in blankets...his tall, perfect, tennis player like body stretched all the way across our super long couch. He always made room for me. His hair was so brown. He always took his hand to comb his hair upward with his fingers. He'd do it once and somehow be perfected. I loved watching him in the bathroom...shaving the trim around his short beard and brushing his teeth.

Why did I always lean against the door and watch him quietly get ready in the bathroom...? 

No one is interesting like Todd. There is no one here alive on Earth that is as nearly quite like this strong, brave, spontaneous, cool natured man. I see other men throughout the day... All bleak and boring. They all look the same. 

To say that I MISS YOU is intensely an understatement. You are everything. You with your hands in your cargo short pockets walking toward me, smiling, knowing you had lost all of our rent money at the race track. I'm sorry I ever yelled at you or treated you less than the perfect man that you are. We can go to the casino everyday, I don't care just please come back to me! 

I tried to kill myself about three weeks later, just unable to find any peace. I wanted to see him again. To hold him and talk to him. I would die forever just to see him one more time. I need to just see him again.

Do I need to see a Medium and talk to him through another person? Has this ever helped anyone...? I never feel him. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by MissGreenKristine
To correct it and add to my own story! Why?
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am truly sorry for your loss. My wife Lori died of a sudden heart attack 6 weeks ago and I too performed CPR on her in a desperate attempt to save her. I know that helpless feeling of doing everything you can while the love of your life slips away. You did everything you could to save him and never could have known of the hidden ailment that he had. You are not alone as you walk on this road.

 

I encourage you to seek help for your feelings of self-harm. Feelings of wanting to be where your loved one is are natural but talk to someone about any feelings you may have about suicide. You may not think so right now but there ARE people who care about you. I also encourage you to check the website stanleysessions.com which is a photography project featuring people that have been affected by suicide. I hope it can provide some comfort to you as you take this journey.

  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
5 hours ago, MissGreenKristine said:

My best friend and the love of my life died at the beginning of January 2017. I found him unconscious on the floor of our bedroom and I performed CPR right away. He had his shirt off. I remember this. It stings in my eyelids when I close them. He never has his shirt off except to shower or for a brief moment while changing into another shirt. 

Todd was was 31 years old. 

I thought the hospital was going to "save" him but his consciousness never returned. He had somehow losses oxygen to his brain and the autopsy report explained him being born with a heat irregularity that was a surprise to us all. Nothing made sense. The family decided to turn the machines off after about two days when the doctors told us all that he would never come back to us again. There must have been 30 people crammed in that hospital room to be there when he died. I looked at them, looking at him and I almost couldn't breathe myself. My baby began to slump over to his right side as his soul left his body and I scooped him up, crying, saying things to him I don't even remember and holding onto his heavy, lifeless body against my own. I smelled his hair. I knew I was never going to be able to smell that delicious, heavenly smell from his body ever again. The people behind me were accepting his death and I wasn't going to let him go anywhere without me. 

I go to his grave site every day and lay down in the grass next to him. I miss how he moved, how he walked toward me, how he was sometimes cold and would cover himself in blankets...his tall, perfect, tennis player like body stretched all the way across along our couch. He always made room for me. 

No one is interesting like Todd. There is no one near like this strong, brave, spontaneous, cool natured man. I see other men throughout the day... All bleak and boring. They all look the same. 

To say that I MISS YOU is intensely an understatement. You are everything. 

I tried to kill myself about three weeks later, just unable to find any peace. I just wanted to see him. To hold him and talk to him. I would die to just see him again.

I need to see a Medium and talk to him?. Has this ever helped anyone...? 

 

I am so very sorry for the loss of your Todd and I know the pain you are experiencing.   It is so difficult to lose someone you love dearly, but someone so young, who had his whole life to live is heartbreaking and unbelievable. Goodbyes hurt most when the story is not finished but the book has been closed forever.   I lost the love of my life of nearly 45 years and to say *I MISS HIM* is an understatement.  I never knew the meaning of heartbreak, until I lost him; I never knew the true meaning of loneliness or I could ever be this lonely; I never knew my life could change so much in a blink of an eye; I never knew my heart would hurt this way; I never knew I'd still be here without him; I never knew such extreme emotional pain - I never knew - until God took him.

I think we have all had suicidal thoughts at one time or another - I know I did; but I never actually tried it.    I do hope you sought some medical attention for your suicide attempt.  I wanted to be with my Charles and that was all that mattered. Everyday I miss him is another day I fall harder; missing him reminds how much he is worth it; hearing his voice in my head and seeing his smile in my mind makes the hurt disappear for a moment; visualizing him holding me in his arms makes all my doubts disappear for that second; visualizing our lips touching is a smile waiting to happen.

I know your Todd was so special to you and how much you loved him - it is so evident in your post.   God loves each one of us more that we ever can imagine and that is why he calls us home to be with HIM.   While Todd's earthly pilgrimage might be complete, he now has a spiritual journey and you, my dear, have an angel watching over you - just call him, Todd. Saying goodbye is a reminder of how precious every second was with him.   I love my Charles and he is worth the distance between us, because I know one day, we will be together again and the distance will be a thing of the past and we will never have to part again.

Our ego tells us that when everything falls into place, we will find peace;  but our spirit tells us to find our peace and then everything will fall into place.  My prayer is that you are able to find your peace.

Stay strong and be blessed!

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

MissGreenKristine,

I'm sorry, I know it's hard, the hardest thing in the world.  Suicidal thoughts are common in grief, but to do so is to remove all hope.  To commit suicide is to give the pain to someone else.  I think most of us can remember feeling that way though in the early days...

Grief continues but will not always stay in this intensity.  Eventually we begin to adjust, yes, even to this.  Amazingly.

I posted this somewhere a while back but want to post it again for you since you are early in your grief:
 

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

MissGreenKristine, I just read your post and I'm so deeply sorry. Losing the love of our life is the most devastating trial of our lives. My own grieving heart breaks even more when someone new joins this forum. I don't have any words that will take away your pain. All of us here know pain, sadness, anxiety, loneliness, fear and many more emotions that we somehow have to cope with. You are not alone here. Please post whenever and whatever you need to. You will be listened to and understood.  (HUGS)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Melissa Douthit

GoThe love of my life and my best friend is gone ... He passed away April 17 2018 . I can't get over this pain . I try to sleep I can't. All I can do is think about him constantly. He was my other half... I feel completely broken and dead inside. I miss his Lil smile his voice. His smell .. He died at his mom's house five hours away from me. I replay all the things that I wanted to say to him . I want him back too ... I understand all of your feelings. I sometimes pray to die and go with him nothing is ever going to be the same. I feel like this is punishment... Why did he have to die ? Why couldn't he have had a second chance? . I try and hold my tears inside but I could literally cry for an eternity. Don't kill yourself... You know That He would not want you to let go of life because he loved you just as much . I try and think about what if it were me that died and He lived ... I would want him to live. . I would have wantec all his dreams to  come true. Just one day at a time. 

God help us all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

@Melissa Douthit  It hasn't been quite three months, no wonder you aren't sleeping and want to die...it's a very hard shock and it takes much time to process your grief, let alone begin to adjust.  it's a lot to take in.  No one is as affected as the partner left behind because it impacts every aspect of our life, they were our love, they were everything.  Like you say, one day at a time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am so sorry for your loss! My heart breaks over every story I read but in the same time I embrace every one of the ladies/gentlemen/kids going thorough the experience. It is beyond hard and the emotions are exceptionally high. Please seek help through therapy, grief groups, this site. Todd would have wanted you to live. Because he loved you, he would have wanted you to continue your life. It will get better. Please accept help, it is available and worth a try.

"our end is where I begin" - we all begin a new adventure based on memories and new memories. Life is beautiful!!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I'm sorry for your loss. My fiance, Luke, too died out of nowhere on June 1st. So my emotion are still very raw. We were high school sweetheart, together for 18 years and best friends for 19 and have two beautiful children. Because of my spirituality, faith and our children, I have not loss my mind. I keep saying as I pray that it was gods will and he won't give me more than I can handle. I do think its unfair. I've waited 18 years for him to propose without any prompting and ask with his own with his heart. He asked me on Feb 28th. So we were in engaged bliss for only 3 months. Then, what seemed like a perfect Thursday we drove 3 hours to visit his mom. We laughed, sung songs, and chatted throughout the drive. We got to his moms and he messed with her for a little bit. She made his favorite soup (and mine too). we ate on the sofa together. He had his arm over my shoulder as we reclined back and roasted each other about getting old and receding hairlines and what's sexy. The positive to that was we told each other that we loved each other. He fell asleep as he always does. I did shortly, but woke up to his snoring and got up to go in the guest room. (he always sleeps on the sofa the first night). a few hours later after 3am I heard a thud and immediately ran out the room, turn on the light and he was on the floor. His mom and cousin came out. They said I screamed. But all I remember is rush over to him, calling 911 and administering CPR. I knew he was gone during CPR, but I was hoping for a miracle. When the paramedics arrived, code blue was called and they tried everything. the worst thing is it over 6 weeks later and the M.E office still has not be able to determine what happen. He was a happy and healthy 34 year old man. I loss my soulmate and our children loss their father. I am empty and try to keep strong for the children. but I miss my love sooo deeply.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

@ladyd8885  I am so sorry for your loss.  To think of you losing your fiance so young, that is so hard.  That scripture's context is that it won't be more than we can handle with HIS help.  On our own it often IS more than we can handle...many feel it's too much.

You've found a good place to be, here where people get it.  This is the beginning of your grief journey, the early days...it's a journey without end, for grief has no expiration date, but it does change as we process our grief and begin to adjust to the changes it means for us.

I wrote what I've learned in my journey, my husband has been gone 13 years now, and I'm hoping even one of these tips will speak to you and be of help to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am so sorry for your loss... my boyfriend died February 1st while we were on vacation. We went to the golf tournament in Phoenix every year for the past 3 years!!! My whole family made it an annual trip. We got there Wednesday night, all had dinner and made plans to go hiking in the morning. Dewayne was 42 years old and completely healthy. We started our hike after we had mimosas in the morning by the pool! We got about a mile into the hike and he started complaining of chest pains, within 5 minutes he was gone! I did cpr till rescue came but he was already gone! It has been the most pain I’ve had to go through, don’t even know if I’ll survive this! I feel like my life is over.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I understand what your going through. I lost my fiancé to a sudden cardiac arrest 17 weeks ago. When Henry was lying there on the floor. I performed CPR but felt helpless. We were in a relationship for 3 years and he asked me to marry him just in December 2017. Everything was going so well. Then all of a sudden the worst possible situation occurred. He was 21 and healthy. Yes, he was going through treatment for bone cancer but he was making a recovery. I'm sick and tired of people telling us that we were young etc. Yes we may have been but the love we had for each other will always be unbreakable. Iv'e lost so many family members and best friends but the pain of losing my soul mate is horrible. 

It's hard to cope with. All I would say is to keep his memory alive. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
1 hour ago, Fiza said:

I'm sick and tired of people telling us that we were young etc. Yes we may have been but the love we had for each other will always be unbreakable.

People acknowledging how young you both were may not be discounting how deep your love is, but rather acknowledging how great the loss.  It does seem all the greater somehow when it's someone young, so damned unfair!  We only knew each other 6 1/2 years, were married 3 years 8 months, but he was the single biggest influence in my life, the greatest love, he was my world and the loss is beyond words.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My girlfriend went to Germany to drop her son off to college he was just starting she was a heart transplant I wasn't feeling well anyway but one of her goals was to get her son into college and she did. She flew from Stuttgart to Frankfurt and then it was supposed to be Frankfurt to Newark airport well she passed out on the plane in Frankfurt before they took off paramedics came on and from what I hear she woke up and was rushed to a hospital in Frankfurt. I was in Newark airport her flight was supposed to arrive at 4:15 the flight didn't arrive until 6:45 which I thought was strange and she never came off the plane I went to the supervisor at Lufthansa and she said she couldn't give me any information being allowed mouth New York guy who knows what I said and started yelling but a passenger on the plane told me oh that was your girlfriend she passed out and the paramedics came on the plane but woke her up and took her to a hospital in Frankfort so I drove home I called up her sister and there's a six hour time lapse and explaining the situation I'll never forget looking at my GPS at 11 minutes left to get home and his sister called and said the doctors called her and she had two heart attacks one on the plane and one in the hospital. I am absolutely devastated I was proposing to her on Christmas and with this whole covid thing US citizens aren't allowed to fly to Germany but I got special permission because she works for the German consulate I've been constant contact with basically my stepson I'll do anything in the world for and will always be part of my life I am flying to Germany tomorrow to say goodbye to my loved one and I'm so devastated and so heartbroken I'm crying as I'm writing this I just found out that her mother was rushed to the hospital for chest pains my flight is out of Newark tomorrow and I get to Germany on Thanksgiving morning hopefully I can have some kind of happy ending to the story but I know I won't this has to be one of the most devastating things in my life she is now my guardian angel I feel her right sense her. I cannot wait to give everyone in her family a hug and I hope her mom is she was the love of my life she made me a better man a better person a better everything we laughed every night before bed we even laughed in the morning God I miss you so much baby and I will do everything in the world to make sure that your son gets through college and he will have a trust set up and the only way he's getting that money is if he graduates the only reason why I say that is when I talk to him today he said that oma has been rushed to the hospital for chest pains and by the way did you sell the table. This blew me away everything is his I want nothing every single thing is his but I feel the only way he should get anything is if he graduates his mom did his homework in high school I did his homework at high School I love this kid to death I really do I'll do anything for him and that's why I can't wait to see him and tell him how much I love him and he needs to prove to his mother who's watching right now that all she works for is his and I and I will make sure he gets everything even more but he must put some effort in. Hopefully I return from Germany with some closure and feel better somehow in some way and if anyone has any input please let me know thank you so much for and reading I'm so hurt. It wasn't supposed to happen like this it wasn't supposed to happen we just got a puppy the kids away in school oh man hopefully there's some kind of lesson to be learned here now I'm just rambling so I'm going to end if anyone has any kind of words of wisdom that would be wonderful thank you

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

@Timbo  I am so sorry, this is the single hardest thing I've ever been through and that says a lot right there for I've been through a lot in my life.  The best advice I ever got was to take one day at a time, any more and it sends me into a panic.  The second most helpful was finding a refrigerator magnet (day 11) that said FIND JOY IN EVERY DAY.  It changed my life as I began to look over my day and try to find a tiny bit of good in it, my big joy was gone (George) but I learned to grasp the tiny ones and appreciate them, it led to my learning to live in the present moment so as not to miss what good there is. 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

Find joy in every day.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My fiance passed away 5 weeks ago. I still can't believe it. My friends are saying to me that I am a very strong. I hate it. It makes me feel like my grief is not as deep as it really is. It is so crazy. Has anyone felt something during death of beloved?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

@Aga  Welcome here, I am very sorry for the reason behind it, your loss.  I'm not understanding your question fully, to what are you referring exactly?  What I felt when they told me my husband died was sheer panic, horror, the most violent horror I've ever felt in my life!  Beyond that it's hard to put into words but I'm sure that was true for many of us.  Total and utter shock.

I am glad you found your way here, it helps to express yourself and know you are heard by others who "get it."   I hope you will keep the article I posted above to refer to in upcoming months as this is a journey that is with us for life, but ever evolving.  :wub:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Aga; I know what you mean about when people tell you you are strong. They mean well, but they don't see the times we are home alone and crying our eyes out. My husband died 7 weeks ago and the reality of it is setting in. Yesterday was the first holiday without my husband and it also happened to be our wedding anniversary as well. I spent the day with my sister and her boyfriend, which helped, but coming home to an empty apartment was no fun. I'm not sure either what you mean about feeling something during the death of our partner but anything you feel is valid. Every situation is unique, but we all share similarities when it comes to the experience of grief. I am so sorry for your loss.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope the family, once the shock has worn down a bit, will recognize the huge place you played in his life and honor his wishes rather than excluding you.  None of us knew how to get through this and the house is unique to each of us.  Honor your pain, honor what brings you comfort.  In that early time, I put his pictures up, took them down, according to whether it brought me more pain or more comfort, finally they were up to stay.

I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps.

Most of us goes through what ifs, regrets, what happened is too hard to wrap our brains around, so we think of different possible endings...remember feelings aren't factual and you're not guilty of anything.

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt

Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

Address Guilt When Grieving

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.