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Silent Scream


DavidOz

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To anyone who reads this, thank you for taking the time to do so. 

It has been over a year since mum died, yet today was one the worst days yet. In the early afternoon, while working on materials for class - I teach adults in the evening - I started getting so angry. For some reason the computer kept printing the non-cropped version of a document, and I couldn't figure out why. Time was getting away, stress levels were rising, and I could see I'd barely have enough time to iron a shirt for work.

Later, when I was finally able to do that, something happened. Can't remember what it was now, but I lost it. Threw anything I could get my hands on across the room, and then was consumed by guilt and self-loathing. I actually beat myself with my fists, and finally started weeping. I retreated to my bed where I wept and cried out to God, "When are you going to start helping me?". Repeatedly I screamed silently, my body totally rigid, and then screamed into my pillow, using it to muffle the sound. 

It was a close run thing, but finally I pulled myself together and went to work, making it there just in time to start class. First ten minutes or so was extremely hard, but after that, thank goodness, disassociation set in and the rest of the night went well. At the end of the evening, when a student was asking me questions, I realized that I didn't want them to stop, didn't want them to leave, because then I knew I'd have to face it all again. Sure enough, by the time I got home, the feeling of grief was overwhelming again.

I called a friend, talked for a while, but then suddenly couldn't handle it anymore, just had to get off the phone. It was like a heavy weight was pulling me down into the earth, and I just couldn't do it, couldn't talk anymore. I couldn't give anymore, react in ways that conversations require. It was like an anxiety attack, I could feel panic growing within me, a growing urgency to get off that phone. No idea why.

It feels like life is over for me. These days I don't want to do anything, or go anywhere, just work because I have to - and need to - and the rest of the time stay home with the world locked out. I have the phone turned to silent all the time, I can't remember the last time I answered it. I use an answering machine to screen calls, just in case there's a call I can't ignore. When I'm not working, I'll turn off my mobile phone so I don't have to deal with that either.

Last few days I've been sleeping longer, but unfortunately not getting to sleep until around 3am, which of course means waking up around midday and having little time for marking student writing, lesson preparation etc. And I seem to feel more tired when I wake up than when I went to sleep. 

Writing is becoming more difficult now, long pauses in between sentences. There's a growing sense of inertia within me. Increasingly, I find myself just sitting here, staring into the distance, not actually seeing anything, feeling like I could do so forever, and never move again.

Going to force myself to look at some student writing in the hopes it will distract me, tire me, and that as a result I'll soon go to bed.

As before, I'm not asking for anyone to make me feel better - an impossibility as far as I'm concerned. There's nothing anyone can do. I just appreciate you being there.

Thank you again for reading.  

Take care,

David.

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Hearing you and hoping you're able to sleep well after such a taxing day. 

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