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cp9042

More lonely than before

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cp9042   

I went to my great-nephew's graduation this weekend.  I was with my niece, her husband, and sons, and friends all weekend.  Then once everyone had left, and I was alone again, I felt such an overwhelming sense of loss all over again, like when my husband died.  It is so hard to deal with all of this.

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KMB   

cp9042, Yes, this unwanted new life is so difficult to get used to. Whenever we have to cope with a *first*, some social event, etc., we feel the pain of loss all over again. We should be experiencing and sharing life with our spouses, but we cannot. For myself, I try my best to cope with imagining my husband always with me, by my side spiritually.  Our daily struggles are hard in our lonely life of living *without*, but I feel we are going to gain inner strength and confidence as each day goes by.

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

Whenever we have to cope with a *first*, some social event, etc., we feel the pain of loss all over again. We should be experiencing and sharing life with our spouses, but we cannot. For myself, I try my best to cope with imagining my husband always with me, by my side spiritually.

I am doing the same.  it is the only thing that helps. i have to keep her with me to get through this. It hurts so bad still on a daily basis.  i thought at almost 6 months i was supposed to be better.  doesnt seem to happening that way for me.

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Francine   
10 hours ago, cp9042 said:

I went to my great-nephew's graduation this weekend.  I was with my niece, her husband, and sons, and friends all weekend.  Then once everyone had left, and I was alone again, I felt such an overwhelming sense of loss all over again, like when my husband died.  It is so hard to deal with all of this.

I know the feeling only too well.  I'm 5 months in and often times, when I find myself alone, I get this overwhelming feeling of loneliness and sadness. Maybe it's the weather - it's 87 degrees here and memories remind me of the things Charles and I would be doing right now.  He loved the summer months and I was always there with him doing whatever he wanted us to do.   When I get a sense of thinking I'm getting a grasp on this situation, something just wipes it all away and I feel like I'm back down to rock bottom again.   I hate these emotional swings; they make me wonder if I'm loosing my mind.  I miss my Charles so much it hurts my insides and literally makes me feel I have nothing left in me.  I'm a true believer in the power of prayer and am asking those who believe in prayer to say one for me - I desperately need them now.  God bless you, God bless us all. 

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Eagle-96   

I feel the same way when out with friends or family. What used to be an even number is now odd(table for five anyone?) They all get to go home with their spouses and I come home to an empty house. That part is hard. Hearing everybodies experiences helps me to know that I am not alone in the way I am feeling. 

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KMB   

bradley1985, I completely empathize with you. We each have to find what works for us to manage through each day.

5 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

 i thought at almost 6 months i was supposed to be better.  doesnt seem to happening that way for me.

Around the 6 month mark, give or take, is when reality takes charge. Denial fades away. We are left with the cruel, hard fact that this loneliness, empty void, is going to be with us for a long time. We have no choice but to move forward and accept that the most wonderful chapter of our life is over and we need to discover what this new chapter has in store for us. For me, I don't believe it gets *better*, just different.  (HUGS)

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KMB   

Francine, You are in my prayer list everyday, along with everyone else here in our grief family. Sorry you are feeling low right now. I know that feeling very well. It is so hard when you are in your home all alone missing your soulmate and wondering why you couldn't go with them. I have a cat and dog here with me and even though they bring me much comfort, I wish for my husband to also be here. You are not losing your mind, even though it feels like it. Trust me, I would have lost my mind if it were possible. But, I am still here and literally taking it one day at a time. The waves of grief come and go at will.  HUGS and PRAYERS FRANCINE-----

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KMB   

Eagle-96--- That coming home to an empty house is devastating. I'm at 9 months and there are many times I actually cringe at coming home, knowing that I am going to be crying when I get in the door.  You are not alone with any of your feelings.

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Francine   
18 minutes ago, KMB said:

Francine, You are in my prayer list everyday, along with everyone else here in our grief family. Sorry you are feeling low right now. I know that feeling very well. It is so hard when you are in your home all alone missing your soulmate and wondering why you couldn't go with them. I have a cat and dog here with me and even though they bring me much comfort, I wish for my husband to also be here. You are not losing your mind, even though it feels like it. Trust me, I would have lost my mind if it were possible. But, I am still here and literally taking it one day at a time. The waves of grief come and go at will.  HUGS and PRAYERS FRANCINE-----

Thanks, you don't know how much your post means to me right now.  I really needed to hear that.  Went to my grief counselor today and generally after seeing him, I feel somewhat better, but  today is was different.   I got this lower than low feeling - missing Charles and all we did in the warm weather months really got next to me and I guess, triggered something.  I thought I had a fix on my emotions, but unfortunately, emotions have their own feelings and I lost this battle.   Thanks again, I appreciate you and all the others on this forum and how we lift one another up when one of us is down - and I was down, way down.  :(

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M88   

Hugs cp and Francine. I was down like this recently and understand how frightening it is.  It is only now reading your posts that I realize that at times like this we need to remind ouselves that we have made it through the toughest of days before and gone on to have more tolerable days follow.   Maybe our reminder needs to be in written form because our minds, or mine at least, don't seem capable of doing so. 

In the meantime we need to be as kind to ourselves as possible.  

I didn't like the long, warm summer days. I yearned and grieved for the loss of the activities and the places we loved so much.   I much prefer the short days and long hours of night. 

Sending strength and hugs. 

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KayC   

I'm praying for you, Francine.  I had a four hour wait for my car to be worked on yesterday so I had plenty of time to pray for those here.  Our emotions can be so up and down, I've learned not to depend on them, they're a roller coaster, like cp9042 said.  

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KayC   
8 hours ago, M88 said:

Maybe our reminder needs to be in written form because our minds, or mine at least, don't seem capable of doing so.

Good point!

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HHFaith   

I think I've been avoiding this forum for a little while as I think I've hit a new 'stage'......anger!  And indifference.   People had been asking me if I had felt angry yet?  At Pat, at the hospital, at God, etc.  I honestly had not, up until last week.  I don't know what happened, but I've been in such a mood.  I have never used the F-word so much in my entire life, combined!  I have lost the gratitude, and the (small amount) of hope. And I'm feeling like I'm losing my connection to Pat.  I feel like that black hole is trying to pull me in.  I so don't want to go there!  The 'regular' grief is bad enough (sadness, missing him, crying, anxiety, etc.), but this anger is the worst.  And I tend to direct my anger towards myself, which leads to so much negative thinking.  

I've read most of the posts I've missed over the past week and I do have to say that some of my hope is making its way back.  Boy, just when you think you have somewhat of a handle on this stuff, something new pops up.  It certainly is a never ending journey. 

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Francine   
3 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm praying for you, Francine.  I had a four hour wait for my car to be worked on yesterday so I had plenty of time to pray for those here.  Our emotions can be so up and down, I've learned not to depend on them, they're a roller coaster, like cp9042 said.  

 

12 hours ago, M88 said:

Hugs cp and Francine. I

Thanks guys - you make my day.  Isn't it amazing how God brings the right people into our lives at the right time and for the right reasons.   People who listen, support and pray for you regardless of your circumstances.  I thank God for all of you. 

 

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cp9042   

Like Francine says, you make my day!  It was three months ago today, that I lost my husband, and it is a struggle.  But when I get on this site, and read all the encouragement and prayers, it does lift me up.

Thank you for all your support.

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KMB   

HHFaith, Oh, I know what you mean and where you are coming from! I went through a spell of anger for a time. Like you, I'm not fond of the F word, but I found myself using it repeatedly. For awhile, it appeared that everything was triggering me to anger. I even found myself snappish with my pets, for which I felt extreme guilt afterwards. I wasn't angry with my husband for leaving. I understood his health conditions and we both knew he wasn't going to be here for as long as we had been hoping for. I was angry with life. I was angry with having to adjust to living alone. I was angry with the constant bill paying, all the things that we normally juggle on a daily basis. That anger was not me. Thank goodness I have managed to get beyond that phase. You will too!  (HUGS)

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HHFaith   

Thanks so much KMB. I know its just another phase to get through but I don't like it!  Yes I'm really not mad at Pat, though for the past several days I couldn't even bring myself to look at all the pics of him and us I have all over the house. Just mad at life I guess. This too shall pass......

and thanks for the much needed hugs!

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KayC   
23 hours ago, HHFaith said:

I think I've been avoiding this forum for a little while as I think I've hit a new 'stage'......anger!  And indifference.

No need to avoid here/us, every stage or feeling we go through is one experienced by someone here and here you find understanding and compassion and validation...something we can all use!

I understand the anger...it doesn't even need to be directed at a person, just anger in general, at the situation and what we deem to be unfair!

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On 5/16/2017 at 7:41 PM, KMB said:

Denial fades away. We are left with the cruel, hard fact that this loneliness, empty void, is going to be with us for a long time.

Thanks KMB.  I cant believe what I had now.  I didnt appreciate what I had enough when she was here.   It is unbelievable what I took for granted and assumed it would last forever.  I never dreamed it would end.  Now that I am facing this I am finally in the moment.  Its like a reverse of what it it is supposed to be.  I wish I had been in the moment all the time with her in our relationship and now that she is gone I am definitely in the moment.  every painful moment.  A lot of people just have no idea what they have.  Or they have an idea but dont have the capacity to appreciate it until something like this happens.

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Eagle-96   
11 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

Thanks KMB.  I cant believe what I had now.  I didnt appreciate what I had enough when she was here.   It is unbelievable what I took for granted and assumed it would last forever.  I never dreamed it would end.  Now that I am facing this I am finally in the moment.  Its like a reverse of what it it is supposed to be.  I wish I had been in the moment all the time with her in our relationship and now that she is gone I am definitely in the moment.  every painful moment.  A lot of people just have no idea what they have.  Or they have an idea but dont have the capacity to appreciate it until something like this happens.

Even though Lori and I knew how we felt about each other and knew of each others love I still find myself in your shoes Bradley. The book that says "don't sweat the small stuff" coudn't be more wrong. It's the little things that matter so much to me right now. All of the random thoughts of days long ago where we may have been short with one another for some silly mundane reason or when I wish I would have been more understanding about a tough day at work for her. I think back to so many small things where I wish I could have done more. In my mind I know that what we had was amazing and we truly had a marriage that was the envy of our family and friends. But I just wish I could or should have been more for her. Again, my mind knows what an amazing 14 years we had but my heart is having a hard time with the concept.

Bradley, I suspect that deep down you know that you didn't take her or your time together for granted. It's the reflection on better times that makes your mind play tricks on you. We think that it will never be as good as it once was(and it might not) but we have to keep fighting preserve the TRUE memories of the time we spent with our spouses as opposed to the distorted memories we think about through the veil of deep sorrow. It helps me to talk to Lori and let her know the things I am sorry for even though as I am talking to her through the flood of tears I know I have nothing to really be sorry for. This is just another ingredient in this grief stew we are all being forced to eat right now. You're in my thoughts.

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HHFaith   
11 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

I didnt appreciate what I had enough when she was here.   It is unbelievable what I took for granted and assumed it would last forever.  I never dreamed it would end.  

Wow, I can relate to that. I never took Pat himself for granted and I often told him how much a appreciated him. But I guess I took for granted that it would last "forever" - whatever that means. I also didn't imagine it would end. Especially this way. I guess I took all the little things for granted, but all those little things were really big things when I look back on them now. When I see couples now out in the real world bickering about something stupid, I just want to go up to them and tell them to knock it off.  One of you might not be here tomorrow!!  I don't know what's worse, seeing happy couples out in the world or unhappy couples.  I miss everything about him so much. 

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KayC   

It took going through this to learn to live in the moment, for me.  I never thought about it before.  I have learned it finally, out of necessity.  Oh that I had learned it before!

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KMB   

bradley1985, I understand. If we could just go back and do it over, with the knowledge we have now, what we have learned the hard, painful way. I took what we had for granted at times. I feel it is just human nature that we do. My husband was bigger than life to me. I thought he was invincible. He had his own trucking business. A solid reputation in the community. People were always calling or stopping in to seek his advice. I was proud to be his wife and a business partner. Even with his health conditions, I went under my own fantasy that he would at least be able to live into his 70's and enjoy his well deserved retirement years.  I have been stripped of my identity and the core of my existence. And to what end? I am to start all over and so many times these months I keep asking myself why, for what meaning and purpose? Why was I forced into this situation when I was happy, content and living on cloud 9 with my husband and our together life? Neither one of us were content with his health. We were listening to all of his doctors and believing them. I feel we both got ripped off in that regard. Trust your doctors. I do not have faith in them now. Outside of my husband's health, we were going on with as normal a life as we were able to. Every moment I struggle through the day is a constant reminder of what I had and lost. What a way to live out the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for those years with my husband. He taught me a lot, gave of himself and left me with a means of survival. I have his love, his legacy, the memories to sustain me.

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KMB   

Eagle-96,

2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

 It helps me to talk to Lori and let her know the things I am sorry for even though as I am talking to her through the flood of tears I know I have nothing to really be sorry for. This is just another ingredient in this grief stew we are all being forced to eat right now. You're in my thoughts.

I've been doing the same. I talk to my husband out loud. I go on the belief system that our loved ones can see and hear us. I remember past scenarios that I could have handled better and have done some apologizing. We had a solid, devoted relationship but sometimes life threw in curveballs that could have been diverted in a different manner. We were no different than any other couple. I have no regrets though. Those curveballs only happened once in a huge while. We are only human and I'm sure from where he is at now, it is only love he has for me. We are living a human experience here and in the afterlife it is only love and peace.

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KMB   
2 hours ago, HHFaith said:

When I see couples now out in the real world bickering about something stupid, I just want to go up to them and tell them to knock it off.  One of you might not be here tomorrow!!

I go through the same deal. We are here to learn lessons. The little things mean the most. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I hope if my husband and I have another chance at a life experience together, that our lessons learned serve us well in the next go round.

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