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No one to call, since mom is gone.


Saddenheart

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Saddenheart

my mom passed 01/25/2017.

I would call her every lunch hour and right after I was off of work, I'd call nonstop if she didn't answer, I always needed to hear her voice. She was not only my mom but my dad too.

I have been struggling a lot since her passing, I have taken custody of my 16 yr old brother and have been  helping him with his depression and anxiety, being as supportive as I can be. 

My 24 year old brother is now struggling with drug addiction and refuses help. 

I fee numb... i need to get things "done" mode. But I also feel angry, I haven't been able to feel what I think I need to. Am I being selfish? I am doing my very best working after 3 months of leave. I am able to keep up with my work... friends don't seem to understand, counselors all have a different opinion on how to go about things. Family calls me to cry and let how their feeling out. I just don't know what's going on I feel like a Little girl that's lost...desperately looking for her mom... I know I need to try my best to accept but how can I when I can't even cry much without it having a domino effect on everyone. Somehow I feel like I am wrong for feeling this way too. 

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Dear Saddenheart,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your beloved mom. I'm so sorry for your loss. Everything you are feeling and thinking is normal and part of grief.

You have a lot going on. Supporting your two brothers and trying to allow yourself to grieve is very hard.

Have you considered talking to a grief counsellor? Or joining a support group? I have tried almost everything I can think of to help myself understand my loss. And yet there are still so many days I long to see my dad alive. This new reality feels almost impossible to accept. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Please know we are all here to listen and support you in anyway we can.

Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time. Sending you all my thoughts and prayers.

 

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Hi Saddenheart,

I know exactly how you feel. I lost my mother around 7 months ago. She died because of pancreatic cancer. As a family we went through a lot during the last two years. I stayed with my mother during her final days and it was horrible and there is no way I could come out of it. The only way forward is to accept it and suffer the pain. Slowly things will come back to normal. The time is so powerful and I believe it can heal anything. You have to stick on to your life and concentrate on your work. Slowly things will get better and you will start to feel life again.

My situation was even worse. My girlfriend broke up with me just few months before my mother died. I felt that the God has eclipsed one sadness by giving me another big unacceptable sadness. My friends could not understand the intensity of pain I am going through because they never experienced that much level of pain in their life so far. So its not fair to expect them to understand what I am going through. No amount of emotional support might help when we loss our mother. That's because we had lost the person who can give the greatest amount of emotional support in our life forever.

I am just doing my work and living day by day with the belief that one day I am going to feel happy again. You are not alone in this fight!

 

 

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I'm so sorry for your loss and for the position you're in.  You're entitled to your grief, and to grieve in whatever way that suits you.  Being the daughter, your grief should take priority over other family members'.  The children, however old they are, are hit the hardest and the rest of your family should understand and respect that.  It's okay to tell them you need time for yourself.  It's admirable you're looking after your brother and helping him through his depression.  I'm very sorry to hear your other brother is struggling with addiction, and I hope he's able to seek professional help regarding that.  I know it's difficult given what he's going through, and how difficult it is to receive proper help even when they do ask for it.  You need to take care of yourself during this time as well, and to allow yourself to grieve as needed.  It's not being selfish.  It's self care, it's important to your own process.  You're going through enough w/o having to worry about everyone else.  

Friends can try to be supportive after losing your mom, but unless they've gone through it, then no, they don't understand.  They have their place in your life, but unfortunately that place doesn't offer much of what you'd like it to.  To me, the friends I am still able to talk to right now do best at just offering a distraction.  But I've found it's a fine line between appropriate distractions and feeling alienated by how normal their lives are.  

I lost my mom 3 months ago, in early February.  I don't feel motherless.  I still have a mom even if she's not with us.  You said you feel like a little girl who's lost, and that resonated with me.  B/c it's like I've never felt more like a child than I have in losing my mom.  And at the same time, it feels like I suddenly don't get to be the kid anymore.  I'm 34, btw... maybe I'm just not one of those adult-like adults.  But it does force you to feel like you suddenly need to be that grown up while at the same time feeling as helpless as a child.  I don't know if it has affected you quite that way or not, I just know it adds to the new life you're entering.  There's so much to adapt to now, that you absolutely deserve your own time to process everything.  Never be afraid to tell people no.  Either they'll understand or they'll get over it.  Take care of yourself and your brothers and save yourself the taxing work of caring for others who don't need it as much. 

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Saddenheart
6 minutes ago, The Girl said:

I'm so sorry for your loss and for the position you're in.  You're entitled to your grief, and to grieve in whatever way that suits you.  Being the daughter, your grief should take priority over other family members'.  The children, however old they are, are hit the hardest and the rest of your family should understand and respect that.  It's okay to tell them you need time for yourself.  It's admirable you're looking after your brother and helping him through his depression.  I'm very sorry to hear your other brother is struggling with addiction, and I hope he's able to seek professional help regarding that.  I know it's difficult given what he's going through, and how difficult it is to receive proper help even when they do ask for it.  You need to take care of yourself during this time as well, and to allow yourself to grieve as needed.  It's not being selfish.  It's self care, it's important to your own process.  You're going through enough w/o having to worry about everyone else.  

Friends can try to be supportive after losing your mom, but unless they've gone through it, then no, they don't understand.  They have their place in your life, but unfortunately that place doesn't offer much of what you'd like it to.  To me, the friends I am still able to talk to right now do best at just offering a distraction.  But I've found it's a fine line between appropriate distractions and feeling alienated by how normal their lives are.  

I lost my mom 3 months ago, in early February.  I don't feel motherless.  I still have a mom even if she's not with us.  You said you feel like a little girl who's lost, and that resonated with me.  B/c it's like I've never felt more like a child than I have in losing my mom.  And at the same time, it feels like I suddenly don't get to be the kid anymore.  I'm 34, btw... maybe I'm just not one of those adult-like adults.  But it does force you to feel like you suddenly need to be that grown up while at the same time feeling as helpless as a child.  I don't know if it has affected you quite that way or not, I just know it adds to the new life you're entering.  There's so much to adapt to now, that you absolutely deserve your own time to process everything.  Never be afraid to tell people no.  Either they'll understand or they'll get over it.  Take care of yourself and your brothers and save yourself the taxing work of caring for others who don't need it as much. 

This is just so beautiful.... thank you for taking the time and for the kindness in your heart. I will reread this often. It makes complete sense to me.... exactly what I'm feeling. Thank you again 

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Saddenheart
1 hour ago, paven said:

Hi Saddenheart,

I know exactly how you feel. I lost my mother around 7 months ago. She died because of pancreatic cancer. As a family we went through a lot during the last two years. I stayed with my mother during her final days and it was horrible and there is no way I could come out of it. The only way forward is to accept it and suffer the pain. Slowly things will come back to normal. The time is so powerful and I believe it can heal anything. You have to stick on to your life and concentrate on your work. Slowly things will get better and you will start to feel life again.

My situation was even worse. My girlfriend broke up with me just few months before my mother died. I felt that the God has eclipsed one sadness by giving me another big unacceptable sadness. My friends could not understand the intensity of pain I am going through because they never experienced that much level of pain in their life so far. So its not fair to expect them to understand what I am going through. No amount of emotional support might help when we loss our mother. That's because we had lost the person who can give the greatest amount of emotional support in our life forever.

I am just doing my work and living day by day with the belief that one day I am going to feel happy again. You are not alone in this fight!

 

 

Thank you so much for your words I appreciate them. I am sorry for your loss. 

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Saddenheart
13 hours ago, reader said:

Dear Saddenheart,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your beloved mom. I'm so sorry for your loss. Everything you are feeling and thinking is normal and part of grief.

You have a lot going on. Supporting your two brothers and trying to allow yourself to grieve is very hard.

Have you considered talking to a grief counsellor? Or joining a support group? I have tried almost everything I can think of to help myself understand my loss. And yet there are still so many days I long to see my dad alive. This new reality feels almost impossible to accept. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Please know we are all here to listen and support you in anyway we can.

Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time. Sending you all my thoughts and prayers.

 

Thank you for your prayers and responding with supportive words. 

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