My mother passed when I was little

[Abby98]

I was 9 when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, and 11 when she passed away. I went with her to every chemo/radiation treatment, every surgery, every checkup, every doctors appointment, everywhere. But I was 9 so all I understood was my mom was sick I needed to be by her side and never leave like how she was when I was sick. The cancer spread to her lungs and filled them with fluid, and the cancer quickly progressed to stage 4 and a double mastectomy didn't seem to do anything. But again, at this time I was 10/11 and all these words meant to me was that she couldn't be around sick people or come see me play softball. 

I remember when we had to get oxygen tanks for her, and a hospital bed put into our house for her to sleep in. I was sure my mom would beat this horrible disease because to me she was the strongest and bravest woman I'd ever known. Long story short, I watched my mom get worse and worse day after day for two years until finally she went into the hospital for a routine checkup and fell into a coma. I went with my dad while my siblings who were 17, 13, and 6 at the time stayed home because my sister wasn't feeling good. We got there and the room was packed full of family members all talking and hovering around my mom. I ran over to her side and grabbed her hand and begun to talk to her about my softball tournament and how people at home was doing. Everyone left the room to talk outside so that I wouldn't hear the newest update on her and I could be alone with her for the first time in a while. I hopped up on the bed and continued to talk like she was awake and talking back. A few hours later she mumbled some incoherent words and her last breathes left her body. 

I broke down as did everyone else and we said our final goodbyes then left the hospital only to go home to a house full of people there to offer support. I had no time to myself after she passed and at 11 I had to tell my little baby brother that our mom was gone. I took it upon myself to grow up and keep all my feelings to myself so that I could be the rock that my mom was.

I'm now 19 and I still pretend to be ok around my family and friends, but ever since her passing I have vivid dreams of her and I'm always the only one who can cure her cancer but I'm never able to. I don't think I've ever been able to fully process her death due to my young age and the fact that I've surpressed the feelings for 8 years now. I guess I'm here writing this because I want to know I'm not alone. I need to know there's ways to get over a death of a mother who will now never see me grow up and tell me she's proud of me and loves me and hug me ever again. 

[reader]

Dear Abby,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know you've been through so much. Please know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. Losing a parent is a terrible shock. And there will always be a scar on our hearts.  I don't think its a matter of getting over  as much as its about surviving and thriving and incorporating this loss into our life story. Its hard but we can create new rituals to honor our parent's memory.

We are all so different. For myself, I am trying everything and anything to help myself understand this difficult moment in life. I've tried counselling, joining a support group, journaling, art classes, reading different books, websites and articles. I find the websites What's Your Grief, The Grief Healing Blog, Legacy.com, GriefShare.Org, The Grief Recovery Method all very helpful.

Please be kind and gentle with yourself. Thinking of you. Sending you all my thoughts and prayers.