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My mother passed when I was little


Abby98

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I was 9 when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, and 11 when she passed away. I went with her to every chemo/radiation treatment, every surgery, every checkup, every doctors appointment, everywhere. But I was 9 so all I understood was my mom was sick I needed to be by her side and never leave like how she was when I was sick. The cancer spread to her lungs and filled them with fluid, and the cancer quickly progressed to stage 4 and a double mastectomy didn't seem to do anything. But again, at this time I was 10/11 and all these words meant to me was that she couldn't be around sick people or come see me play softball. 

I remember when we had to get oxygen tanks for her, and a hospital bed put into our house for her to sleep in. I was sure my mom would beat this horrible disease because to me she was the strongest and bravest woman I'd ever known. Long story short, I watched my mom get worse and worse day after day for two years until finally she went into the hospital for a routine checkup and fell into a coma. I went with my dad while my siblings who were 17, 13, and 6 at the time stayed home because my sister wasn't feeling good. We got there and the room was packed full of family members all talking and hovering around my mom. I ran over to her side and grabbed her hand and begun to talk to her about my softball tournament and how people at home was doing. Everyone left the room to talk outside so that I wouldn't hear the newest update on her and I could be alone with her for the first time in a while. I hopped up on the bed and continued to talk like she was awake and talking back. A few hours later she mumbled some incoherent words and her last breathes left her body. 

I broke down as did everyone else and we said our final goodbyes then left the hospital only to go home to a house full of people there to offer support. I had no time to myself after she passed and at 11 I had to tell my little baby brother that our mom was gone. I took it upon myself to grow up and keep all my feelings to myself so that I could be the rock that my mom was.

I'm now 19 and I still pretend to be ok around my family and friends, but ever since her passing I have vivid dreams of her and I'm always the only one who can cure her cancer but I'm never able to. I don't think I've ever been able to fully process her death due to my young age and the fact that I've surpressed the feelings for 8 years now. I guess I'm here writing this because I want to know I'm not alone. I need to know there's ways to get over a death of a mother who will now never see me grow up and tell me she's proud of me and loves me and hug me ever again. 

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At 9-11 you were a very brave and strong kid.  Even if you didn't fully comprehend everything.  Just to stay present and have a sense of responsibility (that you needed to be by her side, and later to a rock like your mom had been) is more than many kids that age would be emotionally able to take on.  As hard as that must have been, it's also nice in a way that you were able to be there during those moments, to have had that time with your mom.  It also takes strength to really grieve, but almost a different kind of strength.  

I can't claim to know anything about delayed grief from a loss that young.  I lost my mom only 3 months ago, and at an age where I understand grieving.  The only thing I can offer is that in the past 10 years I've been through a lot mourning.  I've learned that giving in to your grief helps.  I've also learned how much it changes us.  

We can grow from our losses, and, as you're aware of, we can adapt to those losses.  We never really get over them.  Grieving comes from the love you had for them.  You'll always love and miss your mom, and she'll always have a place in your heart and in your life.  And as painful as that is, would you really want it any other way?  Remembering her is honoring her, and now that's your way of being close to her.  

Since you haven't had anyone to really talk to about it, that may be something you'll want to consider.  This forum is a good place, as are other online groups (I've seen groups on Reddit and Facebook as well).  You could see a therapist or go to support groups in your area.  Even talking to a close friend or relative may help.  Whatever you need to do to express your grief.  Talking generally helps us to understand what exactly we're feeling and going through. 

Aside from talking about it, I'd recommend reconnecting with your mom now that you're old enough to really get to know her.  Look through old photos, ask your dad and family and her friends questions, listen to all the stories they have.  What music did she like?  What was she like at your age?  What were her hobbies or interests before having children?  What annoyed her the most?  What is each person's favorite memory of her?  And does she have any journals or anything you could read?

I'd say, get to know her all over again and let yourself feel all of it.  Cry, laugh, scream...every bit of it.  Maybe that's awful advice.  Honestly I don't know.  It's what I know would help me if I were in your shoes.  But my guess is that will help bring you closer to your mom again in a way that lets you experience things from a more mature perspective than your younger self did.  

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